Bullies

[CharleyH]

Has anyone had to deal with bullies?

Today, I find out that my five year old has been bullied by an eight year old. This hasn't been going on for a few weeks, but since the start of the year.

Great school to have informed me!

This little bastard has been suspended twice for kicking her. She's mentioned his name at home, but I had no idea just how serious the situation was.

His parents have been informed, yet I am the last to find out. Anyone have any suggestions, apart from taking my daughter out of the school? He apparently kicks her, pushes her over, hits her, pulls her hair, pulls her bag.

She's in Kindergarten, he's in year 3. I'm a pissed off mum!!

The teachers are keeping an eye on him, but why I wasn't informed, I don't know!

Isn't this a sign of love in this grade?

A friend of mine went through the same thing with her son. He became exceptionally stressed, his grades and participation started falling. No one was able to do anything - one can't watch all the time. Their decision was to switch schools, where he is now doing a lot better.

 

[pixiesjuice]

My neighbour had a bullying problem with her eldest child a few years back when he was in his first year of school. Her bright gifted child started bed-wetting, developed a nervous stutter, and from being at top of the class, could not be motivated to do any work at all. All the while the school denied that there was a problem and when the mother approached the school, they suggested that because she was a single parent raising her children, that her home situation might be the cause of her sons problems... lack of a father figure. At that point she saw red, went above the headmistress's head and went straight to the education department. It took a long time to get the bully's name out of her son, mainly because his teacher had drummed it into him every time he mentioned being hit that 'we don't tell stories about our classmates' and basically that he shouldnt be bothering his mother about it. The school had no choice then but to admit the problem, but at the end of the day, even though the bruises faded, it took months of counselling before he stopped bed-wetting and stuttering.

When my own kids started school i took the school's 'zero tolerance' stance on bullying with a large pinch of salt. My youngest son was targeted by the smallest kid in his class, but luckily my kids have never kept secrets and i knew from the beginning. Over the space of a year the same kid tried bullying not only the kids in his own class, but those in the classes above him... after a series of meetings with his mother and the teachers, they arranged for him to attend a special needs school a few afternoons every week... they bend over backwards for the bullies meanwhile all the other kids have to cope with him when he's back in their class.

I feel for ya doormouse, i had to restrain myself from grabbing my child's bully by the scruff of the neck. Getting the school admit to the problem is the first step, you just have to make sure you stay on their back until you see that they're actually doing something to remedy the problem. There are some anti bullying websites that might help though.

http://www.bullying.co.uk/

http://www.antibullying.net/youngpeople.htm

Starting judo classes helped my sons, built up their confidence... i've never had a problem since.


I hope your daughter okay.

tc

 

[pixiesjuice]

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=193455&highlight=bullying

 

[doormouse]

Thanks, hon

I think I've repeated myself about three times here, but it took her finger to get broken before they told me.

I SERIOUSLY didn't want to mention that, but now I'm better guided, fuck em.

Why they didn't tell me before this, pisses me off no end.

She's mentioned BB before this, but I thought he was in her class. I had no idea it was a bigger kid doing this. If I'd known, I'd have acted months ago!!

I feel like shit because all I did was tell her to tell the teachers. They already knew. They've had her tell them for the last month if he even comes close to her.

Not good enough in my book. She's five and has a broken finger. I'm going legal with this one.

For the teacher to tell my daughter to throw stones at his windows was the last straw. That was before I knew her finger was broken. Thanks again for all the advice, give me 12 hours, and I'll give you an outcome.

I'm going there first thing in the morning!!

 

[minsue]

I'm not qualified to give any advice on this, DM, so I won't try. I can give you a , though.

 

[R. Richard]

doormouse:
DO NOT talk to the child buly, that way leads to child abuse charges.

DO NOT talk to the bully's parents. That way leads to a punch in the nose for you.

DO talk to the police. Complain about the school personnel: teachers, administrators and enforcement personnel (they may have police already at the school (uniformed/non-uniformed). Make damn sure that you mention the words 'broken finger' in conjunction with the word 'lawyer.'

None of the above will solve your problem, but the steps (non-steps are necessary).

DO talk to to the office of your Congressperson, Representative state Representative, etc. Make sure you mention the words 'broken finger.'

Call and try to set up an appointment to talk to the Chief of Police. Your try will probably fail. Then make an appointment to talk to the Mayor/Town Council whatever. The Chief of Police serves at the pleasure of the town. Mention the words 'broken finger' in conjunction with the word 'lawyer.'

 

[Weird Harold]

I think I've repeated myself about three times here, but it took her finger to get broken before they told me.
...
I feel like shit because all I did was tell her to tell the teachers. They already knew. They've had her tell them for the last month if he even comes close to her.

Not good enough in my book. She's five and has a broken finger. I'm going legal with this one.

It sounds to me like the School district and the Bully's parents are going to finance her college education over this -- I wouldn't settle for anything less if I were you.

 

[doormouse]

I'm going in there barrels loaded.

Thanks to some great advice, I feel confident to kick some butt today. I'm taking my daughter with me. I have to see the school liason officer first before the principal, so I'll organise that as soon as the school opens.

She's already seen her father be violent, now this. They should have known better than to let it go on this long. If worse comes to worse, I'll have to change schools, but it's going to stop today!

Thanks again for all the great advice.

 

[matriarch]

I'm going in there barrels loaded.

Thanks to some great advice, I feel confident to kick some butt today. I'm taking my daughter with me. I have to see the school liason officer first before the principal, so I'll organise that as soon as the school opens.

She's already seen her father be violent, now this. They should have known better than to let it go on this long. If worse comes to worse, I'll have to change schools, but it's going to stop today!

Thanks again for all the great advice.

Big hugs, love.
We're all behind you.

Mat

 

[Svenskaflicka]

I remember a scene from Hanging with mr Cooper (inspired by Mark Cooper's penis? Atleast written by it..!) where this woman finds out that her kid has been bullied at school. She marched down there and, like she put it herself, "turned into natural disaster that happened all over" that bully.

OK, so this method would probably leave you with a lawsuit and all the neighbors crossing the street whenever they meet you, but no-one would ever dare bully your kid again.

 

[Just-Legal]

I'm going in there barrels loaded.

Thanks to some great advice, I feel confident to kick some butt today. I'm taking my daughter with me. I have to see the school liason officer first before the principal, so I'll organise that as soon as the school opens.

She's already seen her father be violent, now this. They should have known better than to let it go on this long. If worse comes to worse, I'll have to change schools, but it's going to stop today!

Thanks again for all the great advice.

Please let us know what happens honey... *hugs*

 

[ferociouskittycat]

I saw the principal, but have to go back at 3pm. She had an appointment with another parent and the school counsellor about the same little bastard.

The counsellor and teachers involved are going to be there at 3, because the principal is only acting principal while the normal one is on holiday.

At least its a start.

 

[BlackSnake]

Has anyone had to deal with bullies?

Today, I find out that my five year old has been bullied by an eight year old. This hasn't been going on for a few weeks, but since the start of the year.

Great school to have informed me!

This little bastard has been suspended twice for kicking her. She's mentioned his name at home, but I had no idea just how serious the situation was.

His parents have been informed, yet I am the last to find out. Anyone have any suggestions, apart from taking my daughter out of the school? He apparently kicks her, pushes her over, hits her, pulls her hair, pulls her bag.

She's in Kindergarten, he's in year 3. I'm a pissed off mum!!

The teachers are keeping an eye on him, but why I wasn't informed, I don't know!

Woah! Made me think of what I heard on the news: http://www.11alive.com/news/news_article.aspx?storyid=50682

Call the police and file charges against the child, and the school for reckless endangerment.

or Simple battey

Battery

I would have to call what happened aggravated battery

But these are Georgia Laws

 

[doormouse]

The little bastard has been suspended - again

This morning he had another parent complain about him, but it was my daughter's finger that broke the camel's back.

He has to have weekly counselling sessions, and had to write a written apology to my daughter.

Her finger was broken when she was coming out of class, he slammed the door shut as she was trying to leave. I'm going to pursue that further, but can't do anymore about the bullying unless I go higher.

The school was appalled that I wasn't informed about the situation and have promised to keep me updated.

I'll speak to legal aid and see what they can suggest.

 

[Joe Wordsworth]

I was a bit of a bully when I was a kid. I remember picking on smaller kids on the playground, vaguely--it was a long time ago. I was almost 6' tall in Elementary school, so it kinda came naturally to be dominant. I remember beating up a few people. I remember taunting.

My recommendation is to talk to parents.

Worked for me. Someone's mother came and talked to my parents and I got busted pretty hard. Last time I ever did that.

 

[doormouse]

Thanks anyway, Joe, but his parents already know.

This is his THIRD suspension. He'll get expelled soon.

Now that I've complained, another parent (at least) has complained, they'll have to do something with him.

Obviously he's not getting the correct discipline at either home or school. All I care about is my daughter. She's already come out of this with more than she should have. It should have been stopped right from the beginning.

I'm not scared to fight the school, if it ensures my daughter's safety.

 

[Just-Legal]

I'm not scared to fight the school, if it ensures my daughter's safety.

And that should be and is your first priority. Go Doormouse! *hugs* Sending good thoughts your way

 

[doormouse]

And that should be and is your first priority. Go Doormouse! *hugs* Sending good thoughts your way

Thanks sweetheart. I love you.

You're too sweet for words.

 

[Just-Legal]

I'm trying hard not to blush because Abs said she'd slap me if I blushed again... But thank you

 

[doormouse]

I'm trying hard not to blush because Abs said she'd slap me if I blushed again... But thank you

LOL

I won't tell her.


Hey ABS...... she blushed again LOL

Oh, oh, sorry, a secret... right.........

LOL

 

[doormouse]

Sorry hon, I'm a sarcastic bitch when I'm stressed.

 

[OldnotDead]

Thanks anyway, Joe, but his parents already know.

This is his THIRD suspension. He'll get expelled soon.
. . .
Obviously he's not getting the correct discipline at either home or school. All I care about is my daughter. She's already come out of this with more than she should have. It should have been stopped right from the beginning.

I'm not scared to fight the school, if it ensures my daughter's safety.

This is a VERY personal subject with me. We've had a little more than what I think of as our fair share of dealing with this at a number of levels.

Because you say that it has gone on for months, I'm guessing that you're Down Under and in a completely different system than we have in the US. So some of my comments may not apply. With that caveat, here goes:

1) Apologize to your daughter and try to get her to understand that YOU did not understand that the school was not doing what you thought it should do. That you were encouraging her to do the right thing by reporting the bully to the people in charge as you thought they would take better action. She may need a lot of reinforcement that she did not do anything wrong and the problems that have developed are the ADULTS' fault because of not dealing with the bully properly.

2) KNOW YOUR SYSTEM - If a child is expelled here, the school district is still responsible for providing an education. As a result, they either have to hire home tutors or pay for the child to go to another school system. Bottom line is that expulsion costs money. In School Suspension (ISS) becomes the penalty of choice. Most schools put all the kids on ISS in one room supervised by a teaching assistant and an off duty cop. They're supposed to be doing their work and keeping up with their classes - RIGHT! They're comparing notes, and learning how to be worse than when they went in.

3) KNOW THE SCHOOL'S ATTITUDE - This is often dictated by the top administration and sometimes the local board, but it really varies from district to district around here and sometimes even school to school. One of our kids went to a school where they had an orientation class for parents about bully proofing your kid. It was apparent from the nature of the class that the school took little responsibility and tolerated an awful lot of bad behavior before any action would really be taken. At another school there was a real no tolerance policy and any kind of bullying was dealt with promptly and notes home to all parties involved. It was MUCH better.

4) REVIEW THE TEACHER'S INVOLVED - Some of the comments from your child's teacher show a lack of real understanding and no 'anchor' in having a consistent approach regarding discipline. I have always maintained that (within reason, of course) the strictness of the rules is not nearly as important as that whatever rules exist are applied fairly and evenly across the board. Kids are very egalitarian and like to see everyone treated fairly.

Look at your own example: you asked questions, put together a list and tried to come up with a responsible approach that was both strong and appropriated. The teacher came up with some stupid ideas that show a lack of foresight and a high probability of inconsistency in her own handling of behavior problems.

If there are other sections of Kindergarten, I would encourage you to ask for a transfer. We transferred our daughter with less than six weeks of school one year when we finally found out about a very bad problem that had a lot of its roots in the teacher's prejudices.

5) BULLIES ARE SNEAKY - Very often a lot of the behavior cannot be verified because they are careful to not have witnesses to all they do. Some of the worst will also set other kids up to taunt and tease. We had another awful example of a bully that once called to account, went and cried to all the other students that our daughter was getting her in trouble. She was so sneaky that all the stuff she had done to our daughter was never in front of anyone.

Make sure your daughter understands that you trust her and you believe her about everything going on at school and that you always want her to tell YOU what is happening because its YOUR JOB TO HELP HER. You cannot reinforce to her enough that you want her to be safe wherever she is and if she does not feel safe she should tell you.

THEN, and this is the difficult part. You also have to let her know that just because she tells you about someone, that you will not immediately go to school and give them the third degree. 99% of the bullying that goes on gets nipped in the bud by the kids themselves. It helps their self esteem to know that they can handle things and you don't want to take that part away from them. But they have to know that they don't have to handle it all.

We're fortunate, we've arrived at a pretty good place with our daughter where she tells us what's going on and also tells us whether or not she wants us involved. We follow up with her and make sure that things are working out the way she wants and she knows we'll bring the school to its knees if necessary, but most of the time she wants us to stay at home.

6) LET THE AUTHORITIES DEAL WITH THE PARENTS AND CHILD - Your job is your daughter. If school, courts or whomever want to have some group meetings, go ahead and cooperate. If the parents approach you, be VERY non committal about agreeing to anything. A child that does this repeatedly in some way is not in control, either of himself or by others. It may not be their fault, but whatever the problems are, they are dealing with it ineffectively and may be in as much need of help as the child. If you start trying to deal with them, you get sucked into their ineffective vortex and waste energy that you need to deal with all the officialdom.

7) GET A LAWYER INVOLVED - it doesn't mean you have to sue or take legal action. Here there are a wide range of measures that can be taken in between doing nothing and filing criminal complaints and suing authorities. Written complaints of a certain kind require notifications to state education authorities, while less severe actions may only go as far as reporting to the local school board.

Whatever the case, an attorney can offer you some choices and, most importantly, give YOU advice as to what is in YOUR CHILD's best interests. I will guarantee you that the school will NOT tell you all the choices you have. They will only talk about those which make them the most comfortable and the actions which they have been told will provide the least liability. You need to be told by someone that is knowledgeable about what is best for you and your family.

Finally - I started out by quoting your line about your daughter's safety as paramount. There is a local, very successful retailer that has a very large piece of granite with the following:

Rule Number One: Customer Satisfaction is our Primary Job

There are no other rules: If the Customer is not satisfied, the Customer will not return and no one will have a job.

I've always thought that every school should have something similar etched in stone: Education cannot take place where children do not feel safe and secure.

Once your daughter understands that you are going to make sure she is safe, she will have a lot of confidence and do well.

I think everything you've done has been very, very good and hope that you and she have much joy as she learns.

 

[doormouse]

Wow!! Thanks!!

I am calling Legal Aid in the morning. They're really good help, and yes, I'm in Australia.

If anything, I want to do this for my daughter, but hopefully it will stop the little shit from doing it to other kids as well. I'm not going to stop until I see a satisfactory outcome to all of this.

Thanks for your advice, and you're right. Even though I've told her it's not her fault and I'm trying to help, I DO need to talk to her more so she doesn't need to feel intimidated by this bully.

Thanks again for all your suggestions.

 

[ezlay_2nite]

This is a VERY personal subject with me. We've had a little more than what I think of as our fair share of dealing with this at a number of levels.

Because you say that it has gone on for months, I'm guessing that you're Down Under and in a completely different system than we have in the US. So some of my comments may not apply. With that caveat, here goes:

1) Apologize to your daughter and try to get her to understand that YOU did not understand that the school was not doing what you thought it should do. That you were encouraging her to do the right thing by reporting the bully to the people in charge as you thought they would take better action. She may need a lot of reinforcement that she did not do anything wrong and the problems that have developed are the ADULTS' fault because of not dealing with the bully properly.

Here, here well said !!!!!!!!!!

First, I'm sorry to here of your problems. This behavior in my neck of the woods wouldn't fly.

You had some great advice and some, well, not so good.

Sometimes you need to go right to the top. Find out when the next school committee meeting is. Attend, speak calmly and get your point across. Inform them you will be back at their next meeting to see how they followed up. Bring someone from the press with you. Schools hate bad press and this should shock them into action.

Your point should be how the school reacted to the abuse, (step by step along with the time frame they took to do it.) not about the abuse itself.

You should fight to change school policy. Every thing after that should take care of itself.