Broke my cherry. First story approved!

[muse_shesaid]

OK. My first story is up and I'm curious to what the seasoned readers and writers of Literotica think.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=127426&page=1

Let me have it.
/sits and waits patiently.

 

[English Lady]

Well That was a pretty damn good first story it has to be said!

I felt it was nicely paced,things flowed towards a conclusion and the characters were pretty believable.Maybe a bit more info on the woman would havee helped, personality wise I mean but otherwise the story and characters were good.


I did notice a couple of typos...things that wouldn't be picked up by a spell check but nothing major.


You did use one thing that really turns me off..that is you gave her bra size.....I don't like it when people use stats like that in a narritive story,you could describe her breasts far more successfully by not mentioning her bra size i think....but that is a personal pet peeve!


Anyway for me that was a great story...well done!

 

[muse_shesaid]

63 reads.One response. Hmmm..

Thanks for the feedback!
I'll keep the bra size specification in mind, along with the genral concept of painting broad strokes and letting the reader fill in as they prefer. Thank you for taking the time to read and write!

 

[muse_shesaid]

Bumping this up

Bumping this for hopefully more feedback.

 

[CelticFrog]

draped in her 36D white bra
I'm going to start my feedback bluntly.
Nope. I am loving the story so far, but nope.

Like EL, statistics for me are a turnoff. I would much rather you describe the shape, size, hang of her breasts instead. Hell, describe the bra. It's white. Okay, but I have at least three different styles of white bras. One is totally barren looking, seamless but practical for heavy lifting. One is lacy and cute and has almost a pushup effect. One is just plain lacy but over a different fabric.

Okay.
I always post as I read so bear with me. I like to cut and paste things so you're not confused as to what sentence I'm talking about either. I'm blunt. And I freely encourage sticking your tongue out at me, flipping off my av, and just plain ignoring me. I'm picky.

Now, having said that.

This one makes me giggle because I THINK I understand what you were trying to say, but then again I could be way off.
"I pulled my pants down past my hips and as soon as they fell free I removed her shirt and unhooked her bra. They fell to the floor. "
What fell to the floor? Her boobs? (teehee)
What about instead of using fell twice in rapid succession, saying *it dropped to the floor* and maybe adding *unencumbered* or something. Describe how it dropped to the floor. Unnoticed? Unheeded? Sloppily? Okay, well, probably not sloppily because I try my damndest to limit the -ly words in my stories. Thanks to Stephen King and his review of the Harry Potter series.

"She grabbed my cock on top of my underpants and reached up around my neck with her other hand as I unzipped slowly. Her skirt fell, draped around her feet"
I'm not sure about the physics of this. Seems like too many hands are involved, or I'm just off with the way I'm understanding the timing. All of that sounds like it's happening at the EXACT same moment.

I really really like the glaze description. Can I steal it sometime? Makes me think of Krispy Kreme. *sigh*

"I looked down at her. Her hands were relaxed and she seemed OK. It was important to me to not make her uncomfortable. That wouldn't turn me on I don't think (or so I thought at the moment, more on that later). "
I am not quite sure what to say about this section here. Specifically the fourth sentence. It seems so removed from the storytelling voice you've developed wonderfully that I stopped and reread it four or five times. Why not incorporate that into the narration -- *I didn't think that would turn me on. Not yet.* That might leave a little bait to look forward to discomfort later in the story, but still wouldn't detract from your voice.

--"She smiled deviously and said "Yesssss..."--
oops. Extra quotation marks before 'she'.

grinded
ground. ground. (I told you, I'm a picky little bitch)

DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!
I really shouldn't do feedback when my back hurts this bad.

Hooey. That was nice. Aside from the very few nitpicks I had (comparatively) and some spelling errors that were just slips of the fingers, I imagine, it was an amazing story told through an amazing voice. Don't lose that.
(I managed to NOT WHINE ABOUT SPELLING!!!)

Good job!!!

Ang

 

[Machiavellian]

OK. My first story is up and I'm curious to what the seasoned readers and writers of Literotica think.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=127426&page=1

Let me have it.
/sits and waits patiently.

Overall it seems too quick - too fast in everything - like someone reading it to me didn't take a breath in between anything. I like it overall - but on your writing - it seems very jumbled.