Bringing up my rape fantasy...

[SexySparkles]

Alright... I've been through lots of abuse from my father and mother in the past. Also with past boyfriends. Once upon a time, I WAS raped. It was a horrible, horrible experience that took me a LONG time to get through.

Now I'm finally coming to terms with it. Realizing that maybe it wasn't my fault. But now I fantasize about it. I would NEVER wish to be raped again. However, I would LOVE to do it in a role playing type situation with my boyfriend.

Right now it's a long distance relationship. So I don't have to worry about it for a while. I'm just wanting to know how to bring it up without freaking him out. Because he was with me the whole time I was working through getting over my rape.

Neither one of us have ever been in the whole role playing type situation, but I really, really think I would like this. I think I've been through so much abuse in my life... that it's kinda starting to turn me on now. Having someone taking advantage of me and treat me like I'm a piece of shit. I think it's just happened so much that I'm trying to turn it into something positive or something.

I know a lot of people are going to think this is wrong. Don't bring up the I need help shit. That's NOT what I'm asking for. I wanna know how to bring this up to someone.

I know in the role playing situation... especially with something like this, it has to be with someone who you have an insane amount of trust with. I've been with this guy for over a year, and I'm still kinda worried about it...

Thanks for any advive anyone can give!

 

[Ms_Lilith]

Having been raped myself, and also being a fan of non-consent stories, I do understand what you're talking about. And I understand why it turns you on... this is why it turns me on:

Rape is a brutal, dangerous, crime. And it's something that traumatizes the victim, leaving them injured (physically and mentally) for a long time. The FANTASY that you have, you wish to act out with someone you love. You know that, even though that person is acting like they don't care, underneath it all is a deep trust and a love that you know will protect you.. and you know that you have control over the situation... as in you can say no, and know that your partner will obey.

Rape fantasy is a way in which those victims of rape can experience the roughness, can experience the feelings of being used (which are, in a sense, bad), but can come out of it with a positive outcome: they're with someone they love and trust enough to engage in such a fantasy with.

If you need to talk, please pm me.

And about bringing it up to your bf... first, I would suggest reading some of the non-consent stories here on Lit. They helped me to understand why I wanted to have that fantasy fulfilled. Secondly, when you explain it, explain it outside the bedroom. You have to tell him exactly how you feel.. and then maybe say that it's a healing experience for you (because it will be, I can almost promise). It allows you all those things I described above, and you come out of it being held by the one you love.

 

[PinkOrchid]

 

[Bobmi357]

Rape. Just the thought of it makes me cringe. Its one of those crimes which men commit against women that makes me ashamed to be a man.

Having said all that, I can't help but wonder if what you're fantasizing about isn't the rape itself, but the lack of control. Rape results in a total lack of control over a situation.

Personally I think its unhealthy to cede complete control to someone else. Even in a BDSM situation the sub still maintains control and sets limits within which the Dom must operate.

You've gotten some good advice, especially from vixenshe, but I believe you should try to figure out what you're feeling first. Do you want to act out a fantasy of rape or is it giving up control that turns you on?

As far as your BF goes, I'd suggest holding off on telling him for a while. Work through your feelings, both for him and for this fantasy of yours. A long distance relationship can work, but it takes extra effort to make it work. And dumping this in his lap might be premature. If the relationship is on solid ground, he'll not have much problems when you finally spill your fantasies, and he might even enjoy helping you realize them.

On a side note:

While its probably ok for a woman to fantasize about rape. I believe that any guy that really fantasizes about it should probably seek counciling.

 

[Mr.G]

RE: ""Its one of those crimes which men commit against women that makes me ashamed to be a man. ""

Gimmie a fucking break bobmi. Ask the women on the board if they all feel collectively "ashamed ' as women when they read about some psycho or depressed female drowning her baby or poisoning her husband. What's with this idiotic idea that we are all responsible for what somebody else does? Utter crap!

In addition to making that dumb statement; rape is NOT just committed by men ON women. And it is NOT a crime of control. It is a crime of violence.

As SS said, it took years for her to realize she was not to blame for what some creep did to her. The guy was a criminal and after he got out of prison (if he was charged / convicted) he should have been gelded.

IMHO Pink hit the nail on the head - not unusual at all for her. Experiencing rape fantasies with a loved and a trusted lover is a reclamation of that part of her sexuality that was stolen by the jerk who raped her. Once the fear has been suppressed usually just by the passage of time, the person who fantasizes about being raped is just giving the jerk who raped her a final," FUCK YOU..I can do this with the guy I love and trust and finally my life, my sexuality is all mine again. You don't scare me any more."

The catharsis that takes place in ones head to get past a problem like rape can be long, convoluted and hard to figure but worth it in every sense. For those women who have been raped and now fantasize about it they are simply expressing AND ENJOYING their complete recovery from what is likely the most unpleasant thing ever to happen to them.

VERY healthy under those circumstances. Very innocent fun for most others.

 

[Mr.G]

Another thing bobmi...what's with burning the Canadian flag?

 

[MelissaDyan]

Until recently, I thought that my rape fantasies were so "out there". I had no idea that what I was feeling was so common among rape victims until I happened to bring it up to a trusted girlfriend. She was also a date rape victim and while seeking comfort and trying to heal, she did a lot of reading on the subject since she also had these fantasies.

She also found in her reading that promiscuity is a common trait.

 

[Guest]

Hi SexySparkles,

I've been raped, too, repeatedly, by a "trusted" person. I had several male friends who helped me work through this, including a very understanding bf. He really wanted to be able to hold me down during sex, but I couldn't handle it. It was many years before I could not only handle that, but began enjoying rough sex, light bondage, non-consentual fantasies, etc.

At first I couldn't figure it out, why would I have thoughts like that if I was the victim of multiple violent sexual assaults.

But after some reflection, a few things came to mind. First, if I'm okay with that type of sex, then I have really, truly gotten past the bulk of the trauma. Second, and this one took me longer to figure out, if I WANT those things sexually, if I ask for and desire those things, then it gives me control over them. So my desire for rough, non-consentual sex is my way of mentally taking control over that past situation and future ones as well. It's a way of taking back a the power he took when he raped me.

Hope that makes sense.

In terms of bringing it up with him, just explain it to him in terms of what it menas to you to be able to do this, how it's another step in liberating yourself from the abuse.

Good luck, and ENJOY!
Orchid

You say and write everything wonderfully.

Having been raped myself, and also being a fan of non-consent stories, I do understand what you're talking about. And I understand why it turns you on... this is why it turns me on:

Rape is a brutal, dangerous, crime. And it's something that traumatizes the victim, leaving them injured (physically and mentally) for a long time. The FANTASY that you have, you wish to act out with someone you love. You know that, even though that person is acting like they don't care, underneath it all is a deep trust and a love that you know will protect you.. and you know that you have control over the situation... as in you can say no, and know that your partner will obey.

Rape fantasy is a way in which those victims of rape can experience the roughness, can experience the feelings of being used (which are, in a sense, bad), but can come out of it with a positive outcome: they're with someone they love and trust enough to engage in such a fantasy with.

If you need to talk, please pm me.

And about bringing it up to your bf... first, I would suggest reading some of the non-consent stories here on Lit. They helped me to understand why I wanted to have that fantasy fulfilled. Secondly, when you explain it, explain it outside the bedroom. You have to tell him exactly how you feel.. and then maybe say that it's a healing experience for you (because it will be, I can almost promise). It allows you all those things I described above, and you come out of it being held by the one you love.

Vixen , Pink .... I always look to your posts for wisdom . And never fail in finding it . I feel this subject also pertains to those who were sexually abused as children . Someone in CT helped me start seeing alot of this as I was abused as a child in this manner. It takes a lot of deep soul searching , healing , and finding your own path to get out of this , along with support of loved ones. And SS , you will . I wish you luck. You came to the right place to ask the question and got some of the better advice from two very great people.

 

[SexySparkles]

Oh, I don't plan on bringing it up to my boyfriend for a long time. Not until we're together again. There is NO way I would drop this on him when we're not even near each other.

Alright... I'm just really kinda worried about his reaction. Let's just say that he's not exactly the kinky type. He likes things simple. So I'm not sure if he would even be into a role playing, let alone a rape situation. I just don't want to really freak him out to the point where he would want to leave me or anything. That's what I'm scared of the most.

Things I wanna do during my sex life are like exciting and stuff. And he's more of an old fashioned guy.

But thank you guys a lot. I wasn't sure if this was a total off the wall fantasy or anything.

 

[Guest]

Oh, I don't plan on bringing it up to my boyfriend for a long time. Not until we're together again. There is NO way I would drop this on him when we're not even near each other.

Alright... I'm just really kinda worried about his reaction. Let's just say that he's not exactly the kinky type. He likes things simple. So I'm not sure if he would even be into a role playing, let alone a rape situation. I just don't want to really freak him out to the point where he would want to leave me or anything. That's what I'm scared of the most.

Things I wanna do during my sex life are like exciting and stuff. And he's more of an old fashioned guy.

But thank you guys a lot. I wasn't sure if this was a total off the wall fantasy or anything.

I would just suggest him reading some of the stories on Lit about this and see his reaction and guage things from there...But as you say this will take time. I wish you luck.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

And it is NOT a crime of control. It is a crime of violence.

Uh, I think you're mistaken there. Rape is, on many levels, a crime of control. A lot of people who commit such crimes do it for the rush that they get when they have someone completely helpless and terrified, and many do it because they get off on the fact that someone is at their mercy.

Rape IS a crime of violence, but I don't believe that it is violence for violence's sake. There is generally some deep-rooted motive behind such behaviour, and you shouldn't chalk it all up to some guy (or girl) being a jerk. Yes, they're jerks, and much worse, but there's usually something pretty twisted or sad behind it all.

 

[Mr.G]

Uh HUh

You present a good arguement. I'm just unsure which point you're trying to validate. Yours or mine.

Mr G wrote:
And it is NOT a crime of control. It is a crime of violence.

""Uh, I think you're mistaken there""

and

"Rape IS a crime of violence"

OK, you win. I think.

Seriously, I was a cop for too many years. If rape was a "crime" of control it would border on the merely inconvenient for women. Because it is all about violence it leaves mental, physical and emotional scars. Recover time depends on the degree of violence and I think, the victim's mental state prior to the attack and what kind of reaction and moral support the victim gets after the attack.

My contempt for the rapist goes beyond words so my term of "jerk" was highly subjective. It's good you clued in on the "twisted" too. Very insightful. Sad only in the fact that some rapists were abused and sexually assaulted as youngsters and never received the help that would have prevented them from passing it on.

 

[PinkOrchid]

 

[Ms_Lilith]

Re: Uh HUh

You present a good arguement. I'm just unsure which point you're trying to validate. Yours or mine.

Mr G wrote:
And it is NOT a crime of control. It is a crime of violence.

""Uh, I think you're mistaken there""

and

"Rape IS a crime of violence"

OK, you win. I think.

Seriously, I was a cop for too many years. If rape was a "crime" of control it would border on the merely inconvenient for women. Because it is all about violence it leaves mental, physical and emotional scars. Recover time depends on the degree of violence and I think, the victim's mental state prior to the attack and what kind of reaction and moral support the victim gets after the attack.

My contempt for the rapist goes beyond words so my term of "jerk" was highly subjective. It's good you clued in on the "twisted" too. Very insightful. Sad only in the fact that some rapists were abused and sexually assaulted as youngsters and never received the help that would have prevented them from passing it on.

It is a crime of violence to the victim, but there are issues involved in the rapist's mind.

Look. Just give me this. Part of what helped me heal was knowing that it was more than just him wanting to hurt me. That he was fucked up on other levels.

This is what gives me hope that there aren't just violent guys who want to get their rocks off otu there who are willing to rape people.


Oh, and not all rapes are violent. My first rape, the one I lost my virginity to, was not violent at all. He didn't hurt a hair on me. He scarred me for life, because he went against my will, but he was gentle as can be about it.

Don't ask me for details, please.

Just trust me, it's about more than just violence.

And I justified my "Rape IS a crime about violence" statement. YOu just conveniently forgot to include the second part of the sentence.

It makes a great deal of difference where you see things from. You were in law enforcement. I was the one having blood pour from my pussy.

I know what I saw in his face.

 

[dizzy]

This thread is intense with some very good points in it. Lets keep talking about it, it could help somebody.

Dizzy

 

[PinkOrchid]

Re: Re: Uh HUh

 

[Mstrskey]

Fantasy is just fantasy

until it is fufilled.
IMHO I don't think having a fantasy about damn near anything is wrong or perverse, and I think that if when fufilled it brings you pleasure w/o hurting others then it's all well and fine.

Now as for the rape aspect...I myself have never had any desire to enact a rape fantasy. The actual rape I lived through did not leave a single impression on my psyche that I would like to re-enact. In fact in the 16 years since my rape I still find that I am horribly uncomfortable being in a room with men I do not know very well. That said, I will say that while I have never experienced a desire for a rape fantasy, as I began to heal, my desire for rough sex began to increase as did my attraction to sex with strangers. Both being aspects of my rape I suppose they may in some ways constitute a rape fantasy but for me even being raped in a role playing situation seems terrifying. Perhaps that is because my rape happened at such a young age. Perhaps that is because my rape was infact quite brutally violent. I don't thruthfully know or care to find out.

So for Sparkles- I say get right with yourself first. By that I mean understand and accept why you want this on your own time and terms before approaching your BF. It will help you to better set the parameters within which this role play is to occur. Once you are comfortable in your own skin with it, and comfortable enough with the BF to broach the topic then I say go for it. It may not be his cup of tea, and it may weird him out. Generally speaking, men are taught that rape in any context is horribly wrong and it may be hard for him to accept that you want him to perform that role for you out of love. Be prepared for the rejection and respectful of it if he says NO. State your case plain and simple and OUTSIDE A SEXUAL SITUATION!!. It may not seem ideal to bring it up over breakfast, but better there then in the bedroom. You need to discuss it when you are both clearheaded and not with clouded bedroom eyes.

I wish you the best and hope the outcome is what you want. Anything that helps you heal from this is beneficial in my book.

 

[Quint]

My coupla thoughts, from one never raped but a guilt-free fantasist:

First, to SexySparkles: The best way I could explain to T, my lover, how and why I wanted this was to emphasize that it's all about context. It's NOT rape. It carries none of the hatred and disregard for human sacredness that such an act implies. It is done because it would please you, if in a slightly different medium than oral sex or a nice massage.

I might also emphasize the role-play part of it to perhaps get your old-fashioned boyfriend to accept that it is not HE who is "raping" you, since that might also be a mental block for him. Perhaps go through some possible scenarios beforehand, how it might play out, what you would definitely not enjoy. Try experimening with it over the phone--I'm assuming you, being in a LDR, have phone sex. (Can't imagine mine without!) And finally, understand that even if the concept sounds repulsive at first, it may not always be that way. But accept it if it is.

Mr. G, I think you're overreacting, selectively reading (and quoting), and close-minded. Date rape is a good example of not-necessarily-violent rape. There is pressure and there is unwilling sex. It's the unwillingness that is the key factor: she did not choose to have sex, he chose it. Loss of control. That's pretty damn devastating.

 

[Bobmi357]

RE: ""Its one of those crimes which men commit against women that makes me ashamed to be a man. ""

Gimmie a fucking break bobmi. Ask the women on the board if they all feel collectively "ashamed ' as women when they read about some psycho or depressed female drowning her baby or poisoning her husband. What's with this idiotic idea that we are all responsible for what somebody else does? Utter crap!

In addition to making that dumb statement; rape is NOT just committed by men ON women. And it is NOT a crime of control. It is a crime of violence.

Your opinion, you're welcome to it. I've never been involved in rape, although I have seen the damage its caused to several women I call friends. If you don't think that rape is a crime committed by men on women and is something we as men should be ashamed of, try comparing the statistics of how many men are raped by women as woman raped by men. Whether the rape involves violence or not, it is largely a crime perpertrated by men on women.

I'm not going to engage in a long winded argument here. You're entitled to an opinion, and nothing I'll say will change it.

 

[Bobmi357]

Another thing bobmi...what's with burning the Canadian flag?

Just my response to some of the less than sane northern neighborsof ours that proliferate this board with their own unique brand of racism.

 

[Karen Kraft]

Rape and Fantasy

Erotic fantasy and fiction writing are different from real life events. What may appeal to someone who enjoys reading erotic literature might not appeal to him/her in real life, any more than enjoying Halloween III suggests that a person would enjoy having snakes crawl out of their eyes.

 

[sheath]

Your opinion, you're welcome to it. I've never been involved in rape, although I have seen the damage its caused to several women I call friends. If you don't think that rape is a crime committed by men on women and is something we as men should be ashamed of, try comparing the statistics of how many men are raped by women as woman raped by men. Whether the rape involves violence or not, it is largely a crime perpertrated by men on women.

I'm not going to engage in a long winded argument here. You're entitled to an opinion, and nothing I'll say will change it.

The absolute perfect response to the somewhat personal attack this thread turned out to be.

Kudos. Stick to the G-spot, Mr. G. You know what you're talking about when it comes to THAT, at least.

S.

 

[sheath]

Re: Re: Uh HUh

Oh, and not all rapes are violent. My first rape, the one I lost my virginity to, was not violent at all. He didn't hurt a hair on me. He scarred me for life, because he went against my will, but he was gentle as can be about it.

I absolutely agree. Rape is not about violence, though violence is often involved. It is about control.

I have been raped. I will spare you (and mostly, me) the details. Suffice to say that I was not hurt in the least. He was not violent. He didn't have to be, because I was drugged, and willing to do damn near anything while under the influence of drugs that I did NOT consent to take. I had sex with him, with no violence involved. But it WAS rape, since I had no chance to say no.

Anyone who says it is about violence and not about control, obviously has never been there.

My life will never be the same. It has taken a very long time to feel as though I have regained control of myself. For a long time I felt naive, childish, and vulnerable. If I couldn't trust myself to handle my own body, then how could I do other things, like drive a car safely? Make my own decisions? Care for my children and keep their safety utmost in my mind? Was I really capable?

What he took from me was not just a few hours of sex. What he took was my own control, my own certainty in myself, and my own peace of mind. If it was just about sex, and just about violence, I would have been able to handle it. But it was about controlling me, which slams right into the center of the essence of who I am.

But I suppose the idea that 'rape is violence' comes from several places...because it's damn sure that law enforcement in my town has heard the same myth. The officer took one look at me and said, "When you go into that courtroom, and you can't prove violence? Then they will believe it was just another fuck."

And unfortunately, most of the time, they are right about that. I come from a law enforcement family. I am surrounded by so many forensic scientists, you would think my family was a perpetual CSI convention. And the fact is, violence is easy as hell to prove. But control? Damned if anyone can prove that, with the exception of the person it happened to. And 'he said/she said' doesn't hold up in the harsh light of the court of law.

***************

And now, in response to the original question...GOOD for you, SexySparkles, to want to take that control back! And congratulations for getting to the point of wanting to approach him about the roleplay. It seems that you have quite the understanding boyfriend. I was lucky in that way, too. My man stood by me through all the anger and pain, through every legal avenue that was cut off and every roadblock thrown up. The man who raped me will likely never serve a day in prison. But I was lucky enough to have a boyfriend who took me seriously, who loved me enough to understand, and who was willing to do whatever it took to get me back to where I needed to be.

I have often asked him to act out the rape fantasy with me, and he has. He has asked me to act out everything that I know happened that night, and we fill in the missing details with different scenarios, since I don't recall everything. I went from feeling no control, from being completely terrified of men and sex, to being able to allow that man I trust to do anything he wants, without any fear whatsoever.

And that's the key...I "allow" him to do it. I'm so glad that you have someone like that in your life! When you do approach him with it, explain that you want to "allow" it to happen that way. It is necessary to take some of that control back, and he can possibly be the biggest key you will ever find to help you do that.

Take care,
S.

 

[InnerDarkness]

I really, really want to thank all of you so much for posting your stories and experiences in this thread. I was sexually abused for a period of time as a child, but I am not sure if I would ever have classified any of that as rape...probably because my mind has done such an excellent job of blocking much of it out and I dont remember all the horrid details.

But, what i DO know is that over the last few years, my desire to be controlled has grown tremendously as I have begun to explore myself and and my sexual needs. I, too, would say that I have a rape fantasy, however, perhaps that is too broad of a category for what I really want. For me...it is ALL about the control....not the violence. I WANT to feel helpless, I WANT to feel taken and used...but..it is all within my own control ultimately because it would have to happen with someone i completely trusted and hopefully loved.

I have never had this happen..no man I have been with (that i have told this to) has been able to give me what I most desire. Maybe once it happens, I wont desire it any more because I will have conquered it at that point. I am not really sure.

But I am very thankful for all of you sharing your thoughts on this...really, I am.

 

[Karen Kraft]

Rape is about violence, IMHO, for the victim; perhaps anger and control for the rapist. Fantasies about rape are about sorting things out sometimes. Becoming the monster so you can dilute the monster's power, like in a nightmare.