bring me back

[the captians wench]

Okay, I had a really bad experience/scene today, and the jack ass left me right after and did not help me back up at all...I was trying to express this to a friend but he didn't understand my terminology. I told him how I get into this subbie head space, or slave mind and I need help coming out of it most of the time, because I almost totally trance out. Not getting that lap to cry into, and that petting of my head, and the praize, tends to leave me feeling very empty.

I know we've talked about sub space, and slave space here before, and we've talked about aftercare a lot as well, but this isn't what I would really consider sub space or slave space. the feeling is almost out of body, where I litterally don't think at all, I just do as I'm told, totally numb and zombie like, so coming back after that is really hard for me to do on my own.

any one know what I'm talking about?

 

[CutieMouse]

First things first -

Have you had a snack & something to drink, yet? Your blood sugar gets low when you play, so if you haven't done that yet - do it, and check in.

 

[myinnerslut]

i know how you feel... i wish i could be there for you right now to stroke your hair or rub your back as you come back to yourself...

 

[the captians wench]

First things first -

Have you had a snack & something to drink, yet? Your blood sugar gets low when you play, so if you haven't done that yet - do it, and check in.

yes, I have, thank you miss cutie for remembering my needs and checking on me. I've had my snack, my oj, went to mom's and cuddled and cried, and got the locks changed on my door so this won't happen again. I had a whole cue of people here and everywhere telling me that what I was involved in was not good, and I finally have woken up and got smart. thanks to some new incoragement.

 

[minx1]

*cuddles* wenchie

same as CM and Mis. Glad you went over to your mums hon

 

[CutieMouse]

yes, I have, thank you miss cutie for remembering my needs and checking on me. I've had my snack, my oj, went to mom's and cuddled and cried, and got the locks changed on my door so this won't happen again. I had a whole cue of people here and everywhere telling me that what I was involved in was not good, and I finally have woken up and got smart. thanks to some new incoragement.

Ohhhh baby...

I'm glad you were able to find a lap to cry in. It sounds like you did the smartest coping thing you could do.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I hope you are feeling a lot better soon, but please CW, will you rethink those you are playing with for your own safety. I know it is difficult when you can't be with the one you want, and you feel the need to have your needs met, but it isn't worth putting yourself at risk for a moment's fun. Have you talked to Jounar about what has happened today? Perhaps that would be the biggest help mentally and emotionally right now.

Catalina

 

[the captians wench]

I hope you are feeling a lot better soon, but please CW, will you rethink those you are playing with for your own safety. I know it is difficult when you can't be with the one you want, and you feel the need to have your needs met, but it isn't worth putting yourself at risk for a moment's fun. Have you talked to Jounar about what has happened today? Perhaps that would be the biggest help mentally and emotionally right now.

Catalina

I can't get ahold of Jounar.

and this has opened my eyes a lot. I had a bad feeling about this one in the begining, broke it off and went back....and well it's all on here in different spots I'm sure most any one who's known me long enough knows the story.

what really hit me was when the girl we were playing with just disapeared. that was sort of my wake up call, or at least it made me stop and listen to the things that have been going on in my head for a while now. I loved the headspace he put me in, I loved how he could make me feel completely owned, but it wasn't what it apeared to be, and I can see that now.

I said once on here before, that we play so close to the abuse line that I don't feel like we can ever talk about it enough. So what's the difference between all fun and abuse?

to give a really good example, when I did start crying on my mom, she said she didn't understand how I could enjoy this. I burst into more tears and said this is not what I enjoy, this is not what I asked for, and it's not what I agreed to, this is not the bdsm I know and talk to you(her) about, and deffinitly not the type of thing I love.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I can't get ahold of Jounar.

and this has opened my eyes a lot. I had a bad feeling about this one in the begining, broke it off and went back....and well it's all on here in different spots I'm sure most any one who's known me long enough knows the story.

what really hit me was when the girl we were playing with just disapeared. that was sort of my wake up call, or at least it made me stop and listen to the things that have been going on in my head for a while now. I loved the headspace he put me in, I loved how he could make me feel completely owned, but it wasn't what it apeared to be, and I can see that now.

I said once on here before, that we play so close to the abuse line that I don't feel like we can ever talk about it enough. So what's the difference between all fun and abuse?

to give a really good example, when I did start crying on my mom, she said she didn't understand how I could enjoy this. I burst into more tears and said this is not what I enjoy, this is not what I asked for, and it's not what I agreed to, this is not the bdsm I know and talk to you(her) about, and deffinitly not the type of thing I love.

You don't have to follow it, but my advice is take some time out (and I don't mean a day or week....much longer) to reassess where you are at, with whom, and what you want long range. I know bits of your story, but am not close to you so to speak, but you say you are owned by Jounar...how can someone else make you feel completely owned? Sometimes we think we need/want something so bad we can't wait or deny oursleves any longer.....it is usualy these times and feelings which lead us into dangerous territory and fool us with feelings of transference. Listen to your gut, decide what it is you want, and play safe with people you really can trust, or wait until you are with the one you are owned by and trust. Life is too precious to throw it away, and you don't need to be building up unnecessary baggage if you intend a life with J. We care about you here, so please be careful.

Catalina

 

[DomWharfsBitch]

*TIGHT HUGS* for you Wenchie..I am so sorry to hear this happened today!! I am glad that you had your mom to talk to!!!

 

[RJMasters]

CW, I think Cat's advice is right on target. Head up girl. Circle the wagons for a bit. take some time to think about things. Right now you need to rest and be safe. Give yourself time to let this clear so you are thinking right.

I am thankful that you are alive and safe. I know you feel pretty beat up and tired right now. I want you to know that I am proud that you stood up for yourself and put your foot down and said no more, its over. That takes a lot of courage to do and I admire you for doing it. Many women get trapped and can't get out.

Keep trying to get a hold of J and while you do, just rest ok.

Also, in a very practical way you need to take extra precausions to keep yourself safe. Obviously this guy did not care about you, which makes him among other things dangerious. So becareful.

~RJ

 

[BiBunny]

Oh, wenchie, honey. Yes, I've been there and done that. As shitty as many believe my relationship is, B. has always been there for me he puts me in such a head space. I have not been so lucky with other play partners. You have absolutely made the right decision not to see this person again. Anyone who's ever treated me this way was never allowed to darken my door again. It's kind of a one strike, you're out kind of thing. Let me echo cat's advice: take plenty of time to clear your head and find out what you really need before you find yourself involved in the same kind of situation again. I'm so sorry, and big hugs to you.

 

[HottieMama]

((((((((((HUGS))))))))))) Wench.... i am SO SORRY this happened to you.

i agree with Cat and everyone else who said it...please take some time to relax and reassess what it is you want.

i also want to say that i think your mom is an awesome lady for seemingly being so supportive. i know mine would never be.

 

[the captians wench]

You don't have to follow it, but my advice is take some time out (and I don't mean a day or week....much longer) to reassess where you are at, with whom, and what you want long range. I know bits of your story, but am not close to you so to speak, but you say you are owned by Jounar...how can someone else make you feel completely owned? Sometimes we think we need/want something so bad we can't wait or deny oursleves any longer.....it is usualy these times and feelings which lead us into dangerous territory and fool us with feelings of transference. Listen to your gut, decide what it is you want, and play safe with people you really can trust, or wait until you are with the one you are owned by and trust. Life is too precious to throw it away, and you don't need to be building up unnecessary baggage if you intend a life with J. We care about you here, so please be careful.

Catalina

okay, maybe I can explane a bit better. It was a feeling while he was with me, especially with in a scene, that he could take me down to nothing and bring me back up. that's what I loved. My heart was never in it with him, and he knew that, and that's one of the reasons he reacted like he did yesterday. I never really felt like I belonged to him, just more like I was a toy he could pick up and play with when ever, and when he did, then I was in his hands totally his....but I wasn't....does that make since?

 

[the captians wench]

((((((((((HUGS))))))))))) Wench.... i am SO SORRY this happened to you.

i agree with Cat and everyone else who said it...please take some time to relax and reassess what it is you want.

i also want to say that i think your mom is an awesome lady for seemingly being so supportive. i know mine would never be.

My mom is awesome. She doesn't always understand why I do things, but she does try to understand when they make me happy, and she's almost always right about what does and what doesn't. I don't know many mom's who would take pictures of the hearts on my ass to send to ireland, or ask their daughter about spanking because her new guy is into it, and she didn't used to be the kind that would just hold me while I cried. We've both grown a lot, and I'm glad we've done it together.

 

[GentleSub_Ivy]

I'm so glad you are doing better and taking care of yourself CW. I just want to reiterate what others have said about your mom......SHE'S AWESOME.

Ivy

 

[naxalite0906]

I get into this subbie head space, or slave mind and I need help coming out of it most of the time, because I almost totally trance out. Not getting that lap to cry into, and that petting of my head, and the praize, tends to leave me feeling very empty.

*walks in, wraps a nice warm blanket around CW and hugs her close.... slowly rubbing her head throu her hair and gently scratching/massaging her scalp*

I hope you are ok hun

 

[coastal-boy]

You don't have to follow it, but my advice is take some time out (and I don't mean a day or week....much longer) to reassess where you are at, with whom, and what you want long range. I know bits of your story, but am not close to you so to speak, but you say you are owned by Jounar...how can someone else make you feel completely owned? Sometimes we think we need/want something so bad we can't wait or deny oursleves any longer.....it is usualy these times and feelings which lead us into dangerous territory and fool us with feelings of transference. Listen to your gut, decide what it is you want, and play safe with people you really can trust, or wait until you are with the one you are owned by and trust. Life is too precious to throw it away, and you don't need to be building up unnecessary baggage if you intend a life with J. We care about you here, so please be careful.

Catalina

I respect this advice. I think it is very sound.

 

[Blushing Bottom]

I so can't believe that you posted this. Just today my first Dom ever contacted me knowing I have parted ways with my BF/Dom and requested a scene.

I informed him that although I found his scenes imaginative and highly erotic his lack of aftercare has left me feeling empty. The exact opposite of how I should be feeling. He told me he does this because he knew from day one I would develop a crush on him and being unable to develop any relationship beyond that of a scene he thought he was protecting me.

We, he and I, haven't engaged in a year and a half for that very reason, his apparent indifference to my need for aftercare but I still had respect for him in many other areas but just today when he criticized me for allowing myself to feel a connection to him just because we had scened a few times, I lost it and told him off, nicely of course but asked him to never contact me again.

Okay, I had a really bad experience/scene today, and the jack ass left me right after and did not help me back up at all...I was trying to express this to a friend but he didn't understand my terminology. I told him how I get into this subbie head space, or slave mind and I need help coming out of it most of the time, because I almost totally trance out. Not getting that lap to cry into, and that petting of my head, and the praize, tends to leave me feeling very empty.

I know we've talked about sub space, and slave space here before, and we've talked about aftercare a lot as well, but this isn't what I would really consider sub space or slave space. the feeling is almost out of body, where I litterally don't think at all, I just do as I'm told, totally numb and zombie like, so coming back after that is really hard for me to do on my own.

any one know what I'm talking about?

 

[Marquis]

I said once on here before, that we play so close to the abuse line that I don't feel like we can ever talk about it enough.

I couldn't agree with this more and I'm glad you started this thread.

Talking it out is usually helpful, these types of feelings have a tendency to just fester inside of you if you try to bottle them up.

 

[graceanne]

Oh, honey. *hugs*

 

[RJMasters]

I lost it and told him off,

"insert thumbs up icon here"

 

[the captians wench]

I so can't believe that you posted this. Just today my first Dom ever contacted me knowing I have parted ways with my BF/Dom and requested a scene.

I informed him that although I found his scenes imaginative and highly erotic his lack of aftercare has left me feeling empty. The exact opposite of how I should be feeling. He told me he does this because he knew from day one I would develop a crush on him and being unable to develop any relationship beyond that of a scene he thought he was protecting me.

We, he and I, haven't engaged in a year and a half for that very reason, his apparent indifference to my need for aftercare but I still had respect for him in many other areas but just today when he criticized me for allowing myself to feel a connection to him just because we had scened a few times, I lost it and told him off, nicely of course but asked him to never contact me again.

good for you doll!

 

[MasterPhoenix]

I really feel for you that happened, Wenchie...

please don't take what I am about to type as an indictment of you, because that is not the intent at all....

I do think that the incident shows the need to talk about aftercare as part of the negotiations for a scene. Even with that, not every scene will require the same type of aftercare, but the Top needs to have an idea of what will be required of him afterwards, and if he is not willing to do that... well...

One thing with rose is that she usually requires a good amount of loving aftercare afterwards, which is usually some of our best bonding time. The thing is she can come out of nearly identical scenes differently from one time to the next. Sometimes, she can seem like she is coming out of it well, only to descend into a well of tears for no apparent reason. Its not my place to wonder why, but to be there to support and guide her as she comes back from that headspace. During that time the only reality to her is my voice, my touch, my presence... so I continually reassure her and make her feel loved and guided...

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I just saw this because MP posted and my time here has been sporadic.

FWIW Wenchie I am also really sorry this has happened to you. I was considering some casual play a while ago when Master and I weren't able to see each other very often. Nothing penetrative but just a little fooling around. It never happened because Master would never have allowed it. I just had the offer and thought about it for a while.

Now I'm really glad because I just find it impossible to play without emotional involvement. I also need a lot of trust because I'm epileptic and if anything were to happen on that score I'd be totally helpless for a while. I also exprience subspace but can't imagine sharing that with anyone but my Master. I'm sure I'd freak out if someone just left me like that. I've wept all over him before now and he's never rushed me about coming back up after a scene.

When I first started posting here you were with Jounar and having sessions with other people and I admired the part of you that could separate BDSM with the bond you have with your owner. I think you reacted in the best and healthiest way you could. You have an enviable relationship with your Mom and I'm glad you had real people there to talk things out with. Nobody but Master and a friend I have in Tokyo (aka onyxvixen) knows about our lifestyle.

I hope that you are feeling better about everything now and that you've assessed your play partners list carefully. Like Catalina and others I'd hate to hear that anything had happened to you.