Brilliant!

[Ray Dario]

I just got a fantastic feedback about my new story!

Thanks, I sent you an email back and I hope you don't mind me sharing your comments. I *'d your name and email address to protect your privacy.

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"This message contains feedback for: Ray Dario
About the submission: The Desire Within
This feedback was sent by: ***********


Comments:

"The Desire Within" is brilliant! Very well written with a surprise
ending. You're a very good story writer.
*******

*DO NOT hit the REPLY button to respond to this email.*
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Okay, Okay, this is a shameless plug for my new story But this feedback made me feel real good!

Ray

 

[Guest]

Hello Ray,

Can you clarify the below for me?

You wrote:

'Why couldn't women enjoy sex the way men did?'

Women do enjoy sex, don't they?
Becuase you wrote:

'God, how she wanted him.'

'How could she be so wanton, so disgusting, so slutty.'

I find it a little inconsistant and confusing.

svet

 

[Ray Dario]

Hello Ray,
Can you clarify the below for me?
You wrote:
'Why couldn't women enjoy sex the way men did?'
Women do enjoy sex, don't they?
Becuase you wrote:
'God, how she wanted him.'
'How could she be so wanton, so disgusting, so slutty.'
I find it a little inconsistant and confusing.
svet

svet, Thank you for reading my story. I hope you enjoyed it.

The line "Why couldn't women enjoy sex the way men did?" was a thought from Andrea.

I intended it to show her conflicting attitudes. Yes she enjoyed sex, but the societal inhibitions that she grew up with were in direct conflict with her own emotions.

Because good grammer tells us not to put thoughts in quotes and I really dislike using italics to serve this function, it is sometimes confusing when a character's thoughts are, themselves, confused.

Or I just really suck as a writer. But no, I'm, I'm, ... brilliant

Ray

 

[Guest]

Thanks Ray,

I'll re-read.

svet

 

[Ray Dario]

Thank you svet!

I'll go back and see how I can make it clearer. Maybe I should have tagged it with the old "she thought", but I don't like doing that. It may have been necessary here though to let the reader know what was happening.

Like I said, I'm going to go back and look it over. If anyone else has read this story and found it confusing, please let me know. And if you have ideas of how to fix it, please let me know that too.

Ray

 

[Guest]

Hey Ray,

'....,she thought.' was what came to my mind initially. But, if you are writing in a particuler style, then maybe you should stick to it. It's your story, danm it! Style is important.

Personally, I don't mind '...., she thought.', nor italics for that matter. I prefer clarity.

The story itself, though, I couldn't get into it for the first half of the page one. Then, it gets me going when anything sexual in nature happens, as usual.

The story line wasn't new, but very charmingly written. Sexual acts in the story is tasteful, unlike my vulgar style of writing.

You see, I like surprises (twists and turns) when I'm reading. I couldn't find it in the piece.

Otherwise, Ray, you're brilliaaaaant!

 

[wildsweetone]

the pull was just too great...

ok i admit it, i succumbed. i read it! well heck, i had to see if it really was brilliant you know...

and actually, i liked it! it's well written. the story line is clear, my expectation of the ending was blown to smithereens. it's got me thinking about reading more of your work Ray.

Congratulations and keep writing

 

[Ray Dario]

WildSweetOne

Thanks for reading it and for the nice comment.

If you don't mind me asking, why was your "expectation of the ending ... blown to smithereens"? Was that a good, blown or a bad blown?

And if you go reading my other stuff, I should give you fair warning, my earlier stories stink! They suck! They should be removed, but I haven't the courage to demand they be striken from the site. So go in with eyes open, I have changed a great deal as a writer since I wrote "Caught", "Choices", "Kelly's Date", and "One Night". They all suck big time, don't read them. They embarass me and prove I'm not as brilliant as I like to think!

Ray

 

[wildsweetone]

this part...

'Steve grinned like a schoolboy. "Well you've got my investment. If it can do for others what it did for my wife, it's a sure fire seller." Steve handed a large check to Carl and then shook his and Linda's hand before leaving.'

this little paragraph was the doozy for me. lol i never thought for a moment that he was encouraging his wife in the background for financial reasons. i had already picked which set of meds she'd taken.

the romantic that i like to occasionally be, i thought he was doing it for his wife's benefit. hence my expectation was blown to smithereens. you did it well enough for it to be unexpected. that in itself is good.

well done

 

[VeraGem]

Ray, you wrote one of the most repressed women I've read - good job.

I had no trouble with the 'Why couldn't women enjoy sex the way men did?' part - it seemed necessary. It showed where Andrea was coming from and that she was questioning her views on sexuality. I didn't take it as meaning 'the way she would always be.' If I were you I'd leave it as it is.

The deception of the wife by the husband made me a little angry at the husband, but then again, I'd spent the beginning of the story asking myself: "Why is this silly woman torturing this poor guy and herself?"

Bottom line? I liked it - a lot. If my new story hadn't appeared almost on top of it I would have missed it too, and that would have been a shame. I need to browse the new section more often.

 

[Ray Dario]

VeraGem

Thanks!!! I really appreciate your comments. It makes me feel good to know that I wrote well enough that someone liked, or disliked, or felt sorry for a character.

That makes me feel like I did my job.

WildSweetOne

I'm glad I gave you a little surprise at the ending. Like I said, I love an ending with a twist, as long as the writer doesn't lie to the reader. I don't think I did that, I sure hope not.

And actually I figured people would know which pill Andrea was taking by the end of the story so that wouldn't have been much of a surprise.

Ray

 

[wildsweetone]

i do soooo love little surprises...

an ending with a twist is delightful to the senses, you done good dear
please let me know when you have another new one out

 

[jon.hayworth]

Great story Ray - even if you do use shameless plugs.

The bit about why couln't women enjoy sex like men did?

Was so obviously her train of thought and the question mark made that doubly clear!

I did like the twist at the end!

One typo "an lady in public", halfway down page 2. - Got to find something wrong seriously a big 5.

Try reading the Gay Male story I struggled with called "SATURNALIA". I would appreciate some feedback - lots of feedback as I have the germ of an idea for a novel.

jon

 

[Ray Dario]

One typo "an lady in public", halfway down page 2. - Got to find something wrong seriously a big 5.

Damn the typos! And I really did work on this one to get rid of them all. Thanks for the feedback too!

Try reading the Gay Male story I struggled with called "SATURNALIA". I would appreciate some feedback - lots of feedback as I have the germ of an idea for a novel.

jon

I'll be happy to. Gay Male is not my thing, but I'll read it and give you back as good feedback as I can.

Ray