"Breaking Inhibitions" - Advice?

[mirrors2]

I'm interested in revisiting my story Breaking Inhibitions this summer, and could use some advice and/or assistance from some of the more experienced CHYOO authors.

In the "Mugged" thread, I attempted to set up a forced-sex MFM scenario. The idea was to have the reader-character regain control of the situation, leaving the girlfriend at the lustful hands of the two men. Ideally, the reader-character was not to be dominated in any way by the mugger, which is why I wrote the thread the way I did. Unfortunately, I think my execution was fairly clumsy, a bit to rapid, and in need of improvement.

Can any of you give me some advice on how to rework this idea, or give me a hand with a rewrite?

PS - While all of the contributions to the story so far are very good, I have to give kudos to Torg. If I'm ever half as good a writer as you are, Torg, I'll be quite happy.

 

[gizmoo69]

I see what you mean. I like the set up, but as you say, it does seem a bit rushed. Here are a few possibilities for improvements:

Perhaps you need to set the scene a little more. You're in the middle of a street, near an alley, and you assume that no one is around (because you are being mugged), but what's the street like? Is is a rough part of town? Is there litter? What about parked cars?

Also, developing the characters a little won't hurt. What does the mugger look like? Is he homeless? Does he smell of booze? What is he wearing? More to the point what are you wearing?

These parts may not seem important in a story where the focus is on sex, but they make it easier for the reader to get into the scene, and (for me at least) the little details are the mark of a good story.

Another thing to look into is expanding each character's actions in the scene to make it more natural and smoother. There are three persepectives you could work form here: the mugger, the protagonist and the girlfriend .

At the moment, this mugger, seemingly desperate for money, suddenly forgets this and starts groping your girlfriend. Perhaps as a way of developing the story, you act defiant and he is forced to take it a step further to show you he's serious, and slashes the straps of her dress. Perhaps you claim to have no money so he 'searches' your girlfriend. Pehaps she says something he doesn't like so he decides to humiliate her.

As for the protagonist's actions, when being mugged, or when their girlfriend's safety is in jeopardy, most people would not decide to kick the knife out of the mugger's hand and finger their girlfriend. It all seems very sudden that you go from the being the victim of a mugging into someone dominant and horny. Why is that? Maybe it's adrenaline. Maybe the mugger does something to your girlfriend that turns you on to watch, so you join in (e.g. forces her to give him a blowjob or makes her masturbate). I think it might be better to build up the level of dominance as well. Maye you should start with the mugger taking the commanding role (he does have the knife after all!), and end with you in the driving seat.

Finally, I think that you may need to work on the girlfriend being more willing. At the moment, it seems like you (the character) are just jumping in because you see a flicker in her eyes. Maybe the mugger does something to her which clearly leaves her begging for more. To use an earlier example, if the mugger forces her to suck his cock, maybe she starts rubbing her pussy voluntarily. There are plenty of ways you can dominate her while it still seems like she is actually compliant and enjoying the experience.

Maybe you agree with me, maybe you think I'm talking crap. I don't mind. Just giving you my two pennies' worth, and you can take on board as much or as little as you wish. I'd be more than willing to help you rewrite if you wanted, but I would say that if you want to improve your writing, this may be a project better attempted on your own.

 

[Torg]

I'm glad to hear that you are planning on expanding this story. I think it as a world of possibilities. I've been cooking on the back burner where I want to take my thread, but have been distracted by other pretty baubles in the mean time.