Breaking in The Nanny

[ddillard]

This is my first story so please be gentle, but I welcome any feedback or suggestions that you may have, please be honest, whether it be good or bad.

The story is in the "Loving Wives" section and is titled "Breaking in the Nanny" Below is a link to the story.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=94361

 

[CrownJoolz]

Breaking In The Nanny

Well, congratulations on posting your first story.

It appears you intended to write a "quick wank" story, and there's nothing wrong with that. But even QW's need a bit of structure, not to mention grammatical clarity. I found myself confused at times as to who was doing what to whom. You had the nanny "thrusting my cock into her mouth", which is grammatically awkward. It reads as though she has ripped it off his body. Each character controls his own actions. Better to say "she devoured my cock" or "she met my thrusts, taking my cock hungrily".

Your story read more like the outline of a story, rather than a story itself. Perhaps you could use it in this way to rewrite it and resubmit it. Instead of just having three long paragraphs, where the action careens around sentence by sentence, break it down into smaller paragraphs focusing on a change of thought or behavior in each.

I also found myself with a lot of questions.

1. If there is a nanny, where are the kids?

You explain that our nameless man has just come home from work. Unless you state otherwise, the average reader will assume it's late afternoon/early evening, and the kids would be either eating dinner, or running up yelling "Daddy! Daddy!" to welcome him home.

2. If the kids are in the house, would the parents and the nanny really be getting it on in the living room?

3. If the wife is home, why is the nanny still there? Is she a live-in? Why is she lurking around watching the parents instead of taking care of the children?

4. If they have the money for a live-in, perhaps they live in a grand style? It might add a little spice to move it out of the living room and out by the pool where they could have a fun little balancing act on a lounge chair, or into their huge kitchen with the Italian tile floor and sub-zero freezer where the nanny could stumble upon the parents as she goes to put the baby's bottle into the fridge.

5. Why is there no conversation? Is the nanny a foreign Au Pair whose English isn't very good? (that could be fun...) Nobody says anything to anyone, they just know they want to have a threesome?

You have a good central idea, just flesh it out some more, re-work it. Try to find a volunteer editor to work with you (is anyone still doing that?). And watch your grammar.

Good luck!
Joolz

 

[the_bragis]

Hello ddillard,

Congratulation on posting your very first story.

You know what , this is one freaking hot little idea for a story, unfortunately I feel there are a several areas where you have let yourself down. I actually found it a a bit frustrating from the point of view that it’s got so much untapped potential. I think you might just need a little push in the right direction. So, I hope you won’t mind me giving you a little shove here.

This is what I noted as I read.

There are too many sentences beginning with he, she or a proper noun. Breaking them down will give your writing a less mechanical feel. E.g. She looked lovely… Looking lovely she… He walked through the door and saw hee… As he walked through the door he saw her..



quote:
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She was sucking hard and she moved his cock in and out of her mouth.
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Oh yes, so many missed opportunities for some sizzling descriptions. Look at the above. There’s nothing wrong with it, only don’t you know readers of erotica are all little voyeurs at heart. They want to know exactly what’s happening - every single juicy little detail. They what to know how his cock felt. How wet she was. Did she salivate as she sucked? Did he moan? Did he encouraged her? “ Oh yea baby suck my cock! You know I love it when you use you teeth!”

That brings me to my next point. You have chosen to not use any dialog, and really there were endless opportunities to bring your characters to living breathing 3D life with a little "‘…" here and there.

Now the nanny - this is where you could have achieved much more a tease, and let's face it that’s what makes sex so damned exciting, if Deanna hadn’t been so easy and willing. She just seemed to jump right in there without needing any persuading or cajoling. Maybe a suggestion that Deanna had a secret crush on John, and she had been dying to have it off with him for months? Just something to explain how she overcame her shyness so easily. I think you could have done a whole lot more with the young nanny older man/couple thing too. Readers, especially ones like my old man, can’t get enough of that kind thing.

That brings me to my final point. There was no background or description of your characters. Readers are nosey people. They want to get to know your characters as they read. You don’t have to make a detailed list of their features and characteristics, but just a few little bits and pieces are interesting. Background is of course what separates the stroke stories from the story stories.

I hope you don’t think I’m being too harsh here. I enjoyed your work, but I think with a little ‘expansion’ I could have enjoyed it a whole lot more.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day,

Alex. (fem)

 

[ddillard]

Thank you for you advice I really appreciate it.