Breaking down the last door....

[katalynn]

Didn't want to steal that other thread. In reality, I just mostly need to get this out. Who knows, it might help me out to get it out and maybe talk about it.

I have never been in abusive relationship, least a physical one. I have been through many, many guys in my life. So much so that it has gotten to the point to where I just closed myself off. I take things for what they are and have gotten to the point to where it becomes a waiting game.

When will he get bored with me? What will happen in so many months, years? down the road? Will he find someone else?

the questions never end.

My ex........ I was with him for about 8yrs. The first 2 yrs were great, started to slow down about the 3 -4th year. Then well, it died. He got into a bad habbit of ignoring me and in the end it felt like he just simply didn't want to be with me. I tried. I really did. And yes, this was a vanilla relationship. Then I started *searching again* .. Searching for someone to pay some attention to me. Show me what it really means to love. Show me what a REAL relationship is suppose to be like. Perhaps even find someone that will provide the kind of relationship I really wanted, one that I only have in my dreams. (the kind I have now. )

Just when I was about to give up, live my life in a *dungeon* with a dude that only pays attention to me when he needs a *fix*. I met Master.

Was seeing Master off and on behind my ex's back for about 4 yrs. For the longest time I couldn't trust myself to take the leap. For the longest time I kept trying to find a reason to not leave. Trying to find a flaw with the relationship i had with Master. Kept asking if the *grass on the other was really more greener* and if I got to the other side, would I just come to find another wasteland?

More and more I wanted out. So much that I couldn't stop thinking about Master, felt his touch with almost every movement I made. Heard his voice in my dreams.

Master got inside of me more ways than one. He knew I needed out. He did everythiing in his power to get me to come out of my Dungeon. Finally i saw a way out. I took that big step and left my ex. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It was 8yrs of my life, 8 yrs of trying to make a dead relationship work. 8 yrs of having that alone feeling. I had put a lot into that relationship and got nothiing in return.

Here i am now. 1 year later, almost 2 yrs with Master. He wants to marry me. I have never in my life thought anyone would want to marry me. Me of all people out there, getting married. But Master saw what I couldn't see in me. Still can't see for the most part. SAw that flame still burning, struggling to live, crying out for help. He made the fire grow, fed it everything he could possibly find.
I am no longer dead inside. Master came into the castle and knocked in every door he could possibly find. Cept for this last door. I have to knock it down myself. It's the door that traps my emotions. I have so much fear that it hurts. I trust him.... I just can't seem to let it out. I want to give him full access to my inner castle. He's trying, he's there waiting right outside that door just knocking away. Yet it is me alone that has to open it for him. Sadly I don't know how. I'm right there at the door, right on the other side. When I try to open it, something always stops me. Fear of letting go.

I can feel myself being close. I have come a long ways since meeting him. Gave me what i needed. Now that we are planning on getting married, I would love to release the daemons that have haunted me for so long and open that door for him. I have hidden my emotions for so long I have forgotten what it's like to feel. He wants to make simple love to me, the nice tender touch and kisses and such. Yet, I can't seem to let myself enjoy it. He talks to me when we do make love and that helps a great deal. Deep down, it's like I'm terrified of letting myself go like that. I'm always holding back, I know I need to just simply let go and enjoy the ride. At the same time, it is something I have NEVER had the experience to enjoy those kinds of sensations.

Typical relationship used to be where the dude get me going just enough to do what he does. He gets off. The end. It's back to whatever it was we were doing before. I have never felt real pleasure before. Master gives me that pleasure, sometimes I can let myself go and enjoy it. Not all the time and not for long periods of time. It's like my body wants it, yet my mind doesn't want to allow it.

How do i let myself go? How can I just simply enjoy what he does to me? I want to be the wife /slave that he needs me to be and yet this last door is preventing me from being that person. I don't know why i fear it, but I do know that it is fear for some reason. It's almost like I fear that if I let myself go like that, open that last door for him, something will happen. I don't like feeling like this. I have come a long ways of releasing a lot of bad emotions that I' used to hold onto.

He has been nothing but good to me, so why can't I let him have this part of me? I know this relationship is real, he has proved that to me on more than one occasion. I know what he says is true, I trust him. Yet, deep down I have these feelings that just won't go away. My heart wants to, it is like my brain is denying it on some level.
How do I open this last door and give him the key?

If you read this far, then thank you for your time in reading this long winded post. Like I said, it is something I seriously needed to get out. I really don't have anyone to talk to that would understand. Master knows about these feelings so it isn't like he's in the dark. I think that just brings me a step closer to opening this door. Took me while to tell him too.

Thank you for listening.

Katalynn ~

 

[FurryFury]

Perhaps if you did a few "what ifs" that would help?

Like this one, "What if I didn't try this with him and 20 years for now I looked back with sadness and longing?" Isn't it better to have tried and failed than to have failed to try. You never know, you might try and find it glorious. The possibility is a wonderful thing worth pursuing.

You could also try to put down in list form the pluses and minuses of doing or not doing what you wish you could do.

Another thing to try is to think about what you gave others who didn't give you what you needed. Ask yourself what you think the one who does give to you deserves, all of you, marriage too or less?

Finally, I'd say if you KNOW you want to do this and don't feel PUSHED into it, First do what you need to, if anything in order to feel legally and financially safe. Next, just close your eyes and JUMP in!

What is the worst thing that could possibly happen? For me it's always been looking back with regret but your mileage may vary.

*HUG*

 

[madetotakeit]

It is hard letting down that final wall when life has made you so predisposed to keeping it up. An important thing to look at is all of the ways that he is different than the other men. Also look at how the relationships themselves differ. The other relationships didn't last for a reason. They were not the right ones for you. Although it is a way of protecting yourself, it is also holding him accountable for the sins of others.

Hiding behind that wall becomes second nature, and it has value when you are involved with the wrong person. It is too easy to stay longer than you should or go back to repeat patterns (I've done both myself.) Recognizing that you are doing it is the first sign that you are ready to move outside of your secure place. It's never easy. The best thing I can suggest is to take the bricks down one at a time. Don't get wrapped up in taking it down all at once.

It is human nature to want to protect yourself once you have been hurt, but it also human nature to want to be open to someone. It is a scary thing to let someone see all of you. From the start we reveal only parts of ourselves at a time. What if that person sees something they find unappealing? What if it is something that can't be lived with? But if we don't let that person see all of us then it is not us that is loved but an image that will have to be maintained for the length of the relationship. Is it not better to be yourself and know that you are loved for all of who you are, the light and the dark? If the person sees all that you are and goes then that person wasn't the right one. If the person does stay then you have something wonderful.

It sounds like you have already taken down quite a few of those bricks already. Relationships evolve. The wall will take time to take down. After all it took time for it to be built. Every time one of your fears surfaces in your mind counteract it with one of the ways that you are more open than you have been in the past.

Wishing you good luck from behind a wall of my own.