Break Free

[AndyKevAnt]

This is a song I wrote for someone who claims she can't write one... I haven't heard from her in ages... I'm hoping she comes around... Feedback VERY welcome!

"Break Free"

As I walk alone along the shore,
I look out to the water,
Beautiful strength that is in each wave,
Overwhelms me so much I can't breathe.
Tears slide down my cheeks,
The words, in my head, they're screaming to me!

Chorus:
There's no way out of my head,
There's no way out of my thoughts!
Help me please! Help me! My head's driving me away!
Help this lonely soul break free! Help me break free!

The words in my head are crashing in my mind,
Crushing the thoughts like waves crashing agianst the rocks,
My brain's filled with them,
In certain moments like the tides they tend to flood in and receed out.

Chorus:
There's no way out of my head,
There's no way out of my thoughts!
Help me please! Help me! My head's driving me away!
Help this lonely soul break free! Help me break free!

I watch the sun set into the water,
My tears tumble off my cheeks and fall into the ocean,
Forever lost in the waters, forever lost as I am.
I need to break free, I need to let go but I can't.

Chorus:
There's no way out of my head,
There's no way out of my thoughts!
Help me please! Help me! My head's driving me away!
Help this lonely soul break free! Help me break free!

A lonely gull soars over my head into the remaining light,
Along with it soars away my freedom,
If only I was as free as that bird is...
If only I could fly away from the thoughts in my head.
I need someone who understands,
I need someone who cares!

Chorus:
There's no way out of my head,
There's no way out of my thoughts!
Help me please! Help me! My head's driving me away!
Help this lonely soul break free! Help me break free!
From afar I can hear a distant laughter,
Do I go to it? Embrace it like the others?
Or do I too receed into my head,
The way the tide and words receed into the shadows?
I so desperately want to break free from my fears.

Chorus:
There's no way out of my head,
There's no way out of my thoughts!
Help me please! Help me! My head's driving me away!
Help this lonely soul break free! Help me break free!

I turn around and feel cold,
I know I'm alone in this fight and it's scaring me to death
Is there anyone who understands what I'm going through?
Can someone save me? Please? Please! Save me! Please!

Chorus:
There's no way out of my head,
There's no way out of my thoughts!
Help me please! Help me! My head's driving me away!
Help this lonely soul break free! Help me break free!

I run, as fast and hard as I can,
The wind hitting my face is exhilarating
And suddenly I want to dive deep...
The cold water hits me like a kick in the gut,
As I swim deeper I think to myslef...

Chorus:
There's no way out of my head,
There's no way out of my thoughts!
Help me please! Help me! My head's driving me away!
Help this lonely soul break free! Help me break free!

Chorus:
There's no way out of my head,
There's no way out of my thoughts!
Help me please! Help me! My head's driving me away!
Help this lonely soul break free! Help me break free!

Realization hits hard as my lungs begin to burn,
I need to break free, but this isn't the answer.
Black cold waters are not the way out!
They won't break me free... they'll let them win!

Chorus:
There's no way out of my head,
There's no way out of my thoughts!
Help me please! Help me! My head's driving me away!
Help this lonely soul break free! Help me break free!

I swim up lungs burning, head pounding,
The words are overwhelming, and hurting so badly,
But I know I can get through...
I just need to break through!

Chorus:
There's no way out of my head,
There's no way out of my thoughts!
Help me please! Help me! My head's driving me away!
Help this lonely soul break free! Help me break free!

 

[Angeline]

Hi and welcome to the poetry forum.

What you've posted is the lyric to a song, right? I am assuming that because of the choruses.

I think what you have here works well as a song, less well as a poem. You have very little in the way of images, metaphor or similes. I only see one image and two similies in the entire piece. And both the similies are cliches in the sense that they've been used many, many times by others. To say that your thoughts are like waves crashing to shore or that cold water is like a kick in the gut, well I've heard the first expression a million times; the second is somewhat better, but I've heard that used before, too. They don't inspire me as a reader or make me think this person is saying something new or in a new way.

So where does that leave me? Everything else is you telling your readers stuff, simply conveying information. How is that different from anything else you read? A newspaper article? A pamphlet? This is why poetry needs images and interesting twists of language.

Maybe you have other poems that are more poetic. If so and you want to share them here, great! If not, I am not trying to discourage you, but am hoping to give you some food for thought (and you did ask for feedback ). If you write a poem about being sad, for example, instead of saying "I was sad," (which isn't poetic), express sadness as a metaphor or in terms of an experience. For example, "I walk in gray clouds" or "my grandmother died every day that week." Neither of those are strictly true, obviously, but can stand in for something else that is. And they give the reader images to envision. To me, that's poetic.

 

[AndyKevAnt]

It's a song... that I wrote in 20 minutes for someone else... I'm not an experienced writer. I don't try to rhyme (sp?) I just try telling a story. I don't expect to get positive feedback. I rather criticsm. And yes I have other pieces... But I rather write stories than poems. Maybe I should post the stories in the story section... I'm hoping I'm better at that.

 

[AndyKevAnt]

Here... how about this ? Any better? Or Worse?

Dark Lonesome Days

Am I as lost as everyone believes?
Do people really know the real me?
No, no no I'm not.
Sorry friends, if I can even call you that.

I'm not naive, and I'm not as innocent as I appear
I know and have seen things that would make you p*ss yourselves.
I have seen and heard things,
Real things.

Things people are afraid of,
Things people believe aren't real.
Things that aren't things.
Souls.

Lost, scared lonely souls
Searching for answers
Reliving pasts, presents and futures
In pain
Scared.

Aa little girl
Died while her mother was away
A 9 year old girl
A beautiful girl.

Now she wanders the earth,
Searching desperately for love
Forever in fear of being alone
Forever in fear of losing again.

This 9 year old girl died a long time ago.
She came,
Appeared before me.
And was curious.

She was one of the pleasant ones.
Unlike the dark...
Unlike the evil
Unlike the torturous.

On thanksgiving,
A holy day of being eternally greatful
A day of recognition.
A day where darkness looks everywhere.

On this day,
There was a mistake which was made.
In which out of anger,
A girl made a deal.

A spoken contract,
A dangerous and soon deadly contract.
The deal, "I wish my father was dead"
Speak of Death, he shall appear.

Things started happening.
The girl felt sick, weak, cold.
She felt it around her.
Knew something was not right.

Every night, she would stare into the darkness.
Every night she would feel it there.
Every night, every night she was losing,
It was coming it was there.

Now time has passed,
The curse reversed.
Only now,
Other things begin.

Vivid dreams,
About being in a dark basement.
In her own room,
A dark figure walks in.

She turns around,
Lights are all off.
The only light from her computer,
The figure stands.

She isn't sure what she sees,
Tall,
Male,
Dark and shadow.

She's concerned,
But fights back the fear.
She wakes up,
With a jolt.

The past 2 weeks,
So many things happening.
Falling on a cement floor.
Tripping over nothing.

Tearing a ligament,
Unable to walk.
She wonders,
Did she really get rid of it?

She meets an old contact.
One which warns her,
Clean it,
Protect yourself.

It might be nothing,
It might be everything.
It might be jealous,
It might be scared.

If any of these,
It might be dangerous.
And while we agreed;
"death is only another continum of experience"

You still aren't ready,
You replied;
"Yes, it is, but don't forget to live now."
How ironic.

A young man,
Walks into a majik shop.
Studies potions, spells.
Looks around.

3 weeks later?
He's a shell of who he was,
He's lost himself mentally.
He's lost to the world.

Coincidence?
Coincidence?
I don't believe so.

 

[Angeline]

It's a song... that I wrote in 20 minutes for someone else... I'm not an experienced writer. I don't try to rhyme (sp?) I just try telling a story. I don't expect to get positive feedback. I rather criticsm. And yes I have other pieces... But I rather write stories than poems. Maybe I should post the stories in the story section... I'm hoping I'm better at that.

Yup, thought it was a song. And most people who write here don't do much in the way of rhyme, but I think most to try to work with images and metaphors. If you read much poetry--here or elsewhere--you'll see what I mean.

This forum deals with poetry, not stories though. There are a few forums here that deal with prose instead of poetry. If you want feedback on stories, they're the places to go.

 

[AndyKevAnt]

Actually there's different sections to this forum. There's the "Storie" section. I'm obviously not going to post a storie in this section.

 

[champagne1982]

Actually there's different sections to this forum. There's the "Storie" section. I'm obviously not going to post a storie in this section.

Why is Storie in quotes? Are you implying a typo? Literotica has forums and story categories in languages other than English. Or, if you're thinking that the people who organize the Literotica index pages have made spelling errors, I can't see one. Stories is the correct plural form of Story, by the way.

 

[AndyKevAnt]

Why is Storie in quotes? Are you implying a typo? Literotica has forums and story categories in languages other than English. Or, if you're thinking that the people who organize the Literotica index pages have made spelling errors, I can't see one. Stories is the correct plural form of Story, by the way.

*blinks* Wow, touchy much? No I just felt like writing it in "quotations" - also I do know that Storie(s) is the plurial of Story... My first language is English. I've excelled in College English. I just felt like playing around with my wording. I guess I won't next time. And by the way, I wasn't suggesting any spelling errors. Calm down.

 

[champagne1982]

Actually there's different sections to this forum. There's the "Storie" section. I'm obviously not going to post a storie in this section.

*blinks* Wow, touchy much? No I just felt like writing it in "quotations" - also I do know that Storie(s) is the plurial of Story... My first language is English. I've excelled in College English. I just felt like playing around with my wording. I guess I won't next time. And by the way, I wasn't suggesting any spelling errors. Calm down.

No. I wasn't irate. I just wondered what you were insinuating in your first post quoted here? You didn't indicate that you were being anything but provocative so I simply pointed out my perceived errors in your thinking. If you excelled at College English, congratulations.

 

[AndyKevAnt]

Sorry, I misinterpreted your message.

 

[champagne1982]

Sorry, I misinterpreted your message.

It's tough to get the nuances in text. Shall we start again?

Lyrics can get away with much more than straight up poetry, don't you think? I'll have another read of your verse and try to return with some thoughts.

 

[champagne1982]

I'm not naive, and I'm not as innocent as I appear
I know and have seen things that would make you p*ss yourselves.
I have seen and heard things,
Real things.

If you're going to use colloquial language in a poem, accept it and spell it out. If you mean to say that the things you've seen can scare the piss out of me, then be prepared to back it up. I don't see anything in your poem particularly chilling enough to void over, so essentially you tell me about it but haven't shown me how true it is.

Showing your reader is far more important than telling us about a situation. In the strophe here, you tell us you look innocent in spite of the horror in your life, so think about how you would show us why that is.

My face is bright and applecheek shiny
even after the deaths I have seen
and the corpses that rise in the night.

You seem willing enough to edit but you need to decide if you're going to continue with this piece as a poem or are you going to proceed with a story. To create poetry, I think you need to find a way to make each phrase, even each word, vital to the poem. If it doesn't move the reader forward then you should sacrifice the line or noun, whatever it is, for the good of the verse.

Explore ways of capturing the feelings of fright and disgust that would go with a visitation from a ghost. If you ask yourself questions about your imagining:

• What is the time of day?
• Is there a scent or atmosphere that accompanies the vision?
• What can I hear?

As you answer, write it down in short, succinct sentences. After you do that, explore the myriad poetic devices that you could use to add to the words and provide your reader with that same scared shitless feeling you're telling us you've experienced.

 

[AndyKevAnt]

Alright, thank you very much. I'll go over my poems/lyrics and do that... That way the poems can actually fall under poetry, and the lyrics under song.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

. I don't see anything in your poem particularly chilling enough to void over so essentially you tell me about it but haven't shown me how true it is..

That made me giggle. But then I'm really immature.

AKA, welcome to the forum. Champagne, I'm loving your critique as usual - - and your kind willingness to offer it. Can't disagree with anything you've said.

I felt similarly, that I want to believe that you've seen really chilling things, but you haven't really drawn me into the experience.

One experiment might be with point of view. Just as an experiment, try taking just the story of the girl, leaving out the preamble of what you've seen and your opinions about that story. Do a version of it in first person and focus down on using vivid imagery to tell the story.

at least, that's what I would do at this point.

again, welcome. And if you ever feel like Champie is being mean, just assume you're misreading her; trust me: she's one of the most sweet-tempered people around here.

bijou

 

[AndyKevAnt]

Thank you for the advice, nah, no one's mean on here so far.