Brand Spankin' New

[jiskitten]

Hey there!

Though not exactly new to writing, erotica is totally uncharted territory for me. So I'm seeking some gentle criticism where the "naughty bits" are concerned. So far the responses I've received are pretty good, but I'm still not certain if I'm hitting the erotic lit g-spot. As I embark on my second piece, I'd like to be certain I'm getting it right.

Any suggestions would be welcome and appreciated

Many thanks!

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=487022

 

[Lien_Geller]

A few thoughts.

Howdie! Just read your story and, well...wow. You just have talent oozing out of every orifice don’t ya? Ok I know that sounded a bit gross but was meant to be totally complimentary. Honest!

Well it’s difficult to critique someone who’s by leaps and bounds a far better writer than yourself but here goes!

The first thing that struck me is that the protagonist is introduced as a three year heroin addict. This does not paint a pretty picture of her in my head and it’s only on the second page that I’m actually told she’s beautiful. Until then I was picturing a pasty skeletal figure with arms full of needle holes. Needless to say that’s a bit of a niche market when it comes to a turn-on. I know that the look probably isn’t true and as someone who has never taken recreational drugs I’m not the best informed on the subject but that image isn’t something you want popping into people’s heads before trying to get their juices flowing. I could be totally wrong or speaking out of ignorance of the subject but I thought I’d flag it up all the same for your consideration.

I loved your word usage. Cerulean is now my favourite word. You use brilliant varied erotic vocabulary that lights my senses on fire. Favourites from one section include: ‘florid flesh’, ‘glorious acquiescence’ and ‘deluge of orgasm’. I’ve never had a deluge of orgasm before but I sure like the sound of it! You also don’t fall into the trap of thesaurus rape that some writers do where you end up with words that most readers have never heard of. It’s elegant, varied and accessible which is just what you want as a reader.

This isn’t really a criticism but as a guy reading this I did find it was leaning a great deal toward the ladies. This is completely fine of course and there’s certainly a lot for guys here but if you want to balance your appeal then you might want to think about what men are after in erotica. I’m not saying throw in pages of blowjob description but a little more attention to the sexually appealing aspects of the heroine wouldn’t go amiss.

Something I did find a bit annoying, though certainly not enough to stop me enjoying the story, was the constant reminders of the characters disbelief in her situation.

‘…Queen Demento, goddess of all things absurd.’ ‘All aboard, next stop Looneyville.’ ‘willing to play along with this nutty game of charades. Two syllables, sounds like lazy…oh yeah…crazy’

Some of these are actually pretty funny but I’ve picked these three quotes from within about ten lines of each other. Reminders that the character is in a crazy situation are fine but you seem to go a little over the top in the first section of the story. In reading every reminder that this is a crazy situation after a while it seems less that the protagonist thinks it’s crazy and more like you as the author are trying to say: ‘I know this is weird but roll with me here, please!’ I mean you’re in the sci-fi and fantasy section. We expect batshit mental things to happen and don’t need to be reminded that something is weird every time something weird happens if you catch my drift. I’m not saying cut it out completely but smaller doses would be better in my opinion.

Other than those tiny nit-picks this is great and I’m looking forward to reading whatever comes next.

Lien Geller

 

[jiskitten]

Gratitude

Lien,
Nice double entendre, I enjoy those immensely. No offense taken, check my bio.

Just read, and quite enjoyed, the first in your Aphrodisia series. This weekend, when the decks clear, I intend to finish the journey and am looking forward to the next port of call.

Many thanks for your mellifluous words. I am in absolute agreement with your "junkie" assessment, that's totally my fault. Ah, the details!

I see your point with respect to the repetition, when one is trying to establish a character's mindset it can take an ugly turn. Thankfully the airbags didn't deploy and no one was injured.

As long as the sexual elements were on point, I'm good. That was my primary concern and you have allayed my fears.

By the bye, I too loathe thesaurus rape. When I have to Google a word, it pulls me right out of the story.

I truly appreciate your feedback and will strive to be more cognizant of those pesky little details.

All the best!