tiger_smurf
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dr_mabeuse
seduce the mind
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I have a feeling we're supposed to be taken with Val's quirkiness. She comes across as an irritating little twat to me, and after she pissed on the beach I'd had enough. I'm afraid I really didn't care for these people and didn't care to hang around with them.
---dr.M.
Edited to Add:
After I wrote that, I figured I owed you more of an explanation.
I think I know what you’re trying to do, which is to paint a picture of a complicated girl in a kind of love-hate relationship, a more realistic type of thing than you usually see on Lit, and I commend you on that. But they way it’s done, I think she does come across as an irritating little bitch with no redeeming qualities. Even the narrator doesn’t like her much, and it’s a puzzle to him as well as us what he’s doing there.
When you’re dealing with a disagreeable or quirky character like Val, I think you have to give the reader a reason to care about her, and I didn’t get that here. I think, first of all, the portrait of her wasn't entirely clear or convincing. You tell us she’s well-groomed, and we can go with the messy hair, but then she’s blowing bubbles with her gum (ugh!) and cart-wheeling on the beach, falling on her ass, and then pissing in the sand. These are hardly endearing traits or ones I can reconcile with the idea of being “well-groomed”, and I got the uneasy feeling that it wouldn’t be long before she blew her nose through her fingers or lifted her leg and farted and laughed.
I’ve found that, whenever I’m reading a story in first-person, I subconsciously make up my mind in the first few paragraphs whether the narrator is someone I want to spend time with; whether he has wit or insight or whether his world and situation interest me. Your narrator seems to not really know what he’s doing there or what he feels about Val, but still seems pretyty much amused by her antics. But for me, the idea of being on a drizzly beach in the winter with Val, and no doubt headed for some nasty sex in the weeds and sand, was not something I cared to do.
I’m aware that you most likely intended to make Val irritating, and in that you succeeded. It’s in making her attractive that you lost me. I just don’t care about these people.
---dr.M.
Edited to Add:
After I wrote that, I figured I owed you more of an explanation.
I think I know what you’re trying to do, which is to paint a picture of a complicated girl in a kind of love-hate relationship, a more realistic type of thing than you usually see on Lit, and I commend you on that. But they way it’s done, I think she does come across as an irritating little bitch with no redeeming qualities. Even the narrator doesn’t like her much, and it’s a puzzle to him as well as us what he’s doing there.
When you’re dealing with a disagreeable or quirky character like Val, I think you have to give the reader a reason to care about her, and I didn’t get that here. I think, first of all, the portrait of her wasn't entirely clear or convincing. You tell us she’s well-groomed, and we can go with the messy hair, but then she’s blowing bubbles with her gum (ugh!) and cart-wheeling on the beach, falling on her ass, and then pissing in the sand. These are hardly endearing traits or ones I can reconcile with the idea of being “well-groomed”, and I got the uneasy feeling that it wouldn’t be long before she blew her nose through her fingers or lifted her leg and farted and laughed.
I’ve found that, whenever I’m reading a story in first-person, I subconsciously make up my mind in the first few paragraphs whether the narrator is someone I want to spend time with; whether he has wit or insight or whether his world and situation interest me. Your narrator seems to not really know what he’s doing there or what he feels about Val, but still seems pretyty much amused by her antics. But for me, the idea of being on a drizzly beach in the winter with Val, and no doubt headed for some nasty sex in the weeds and sand, was not something I cared to do.
I’m aware that you most likely intended to make Val irritating, and in that you succeeded. It’s in making her attractive that you lost me. I just don’t care about these people.
Last edited:
What a difference!
I found this much easier to read than your last story. This one is well put together.
Like Dr. Mabeuse, I did not find Val a very attractive character, but I would not be as hard on her or the narrator as he was.
One thing I have found is that it is difficult to write in the first person; it is too easy for the narrator to seem too objective. Think about it: what does Melville really tell us about Ishmael?
I worried about the rain; it reminded me of an English winter.
Best wishes
I found this much easier to read than your last story. This one is well put together.
Like Dr. Mabeuse, I did not find Val a very attractive character, but I would not be as hard on her or the narrator as he was.
One thing I have found is that it is difficult to write in the first person; it is too easy for the narrator to seem too objective. Think about it: what does Melville really tell us about Ishmael?
I worried about the rain; it reminded me of an English winter.
Best wishes
bbkradwell
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Mar 11, 2001
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- 1,012
I disagree
I disagree, Lycon. It's easier, for me, anyway, to write in the first person. Objectivity is often how people relate to the characters, which is what made "Ishmael" and, in turn, Ahab, believable. Otherwise, it would have just been a story about a nutjob chasing-down a "big fish!"
You, the writer/narrator, should establish reasons for why we, the reader, should give a shit about the characters. "Give a shit," meaning: Like or dislike; invest any kind of feelings toward your characters. Or else, everyone in the story is just a incidental character. A background character.
Y'know?
I disagree, Lycon. It's easier, for me, anyway, to write in the first person. Objectivity is often how people relate to the characters, which is what made "Ishmael" and, in turn, Ahab, believable. Otherwise, it would have just been a story about a nutjob chasing-down a "big fish!"
You, the writer/narrator, should establish reasons for why we, the reader, should give a shit about the characters. "Give a shit," meaning: Like or dislike; invest any kind of feelings toward your characters. Or else, everyone in the story is just a incidental character. A background character.
Y'know?
tiger_smurf
Experienced
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- Mar 25, 2004
- Posts
- 77
Oh wow, I guess I do have feedback! I hadn't checked this board in a few days. So, thanks to everyone who took the time to read my story and reply on here.
As for the characters, perhaps there wasn't enough backstory for readers to see why he was with her or what was likeable about her.
Val is well-groomed. I'm not exactly sure what blowing bubbles with gum and peeing have to do with that. By groomed, I'm talking lint, stains, tidy clothes, clean.
Anyway, I thank you all. I'd write more but I'm behind on my homework.
-ck
As for the characters, perhaps there wasn't enough backstory for readers to see why he was with her or what was likeable about her.
Val is well-groomed. I'm not exactly sure what blowing bubbles with gum and peeing have to do with that. By groomed, I'm talking lint, stains, tidy clothes, clean.
Anyway, I thank you all. I'd write more but I'm behind on my homework.
-ck
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