Boyfriends

[woodnymph_O]

Yes, that is definitely part of my point.

Liars are exceedingly good at looking good.

Amen sweetie

 

[Boxlicker101]

There are many factores that go into the whys of these relationships... I cannot and will not be told that I am a bitch/jerk/asshole/insert other nasty name because someone thinks that I won't go for the nice guys.

I want the personality of the man... the soul of him, I will slow down and make sure that I see what is inside because I don't give a fig if he looks like an Adonis... if his insides are shit I don't want him anywhere near me

By the same token if I was ugly inside then I wouldnt' expect to be with someone nice either....

but I know me inside, I know some amazingly stunning women on the inside... they are so beautiful, wonderful and outstanding I am in awe of them

HOWEVER
the packaging... is what makes those guys that only see with their eyes shrug and go onto the next girl.... WE.... the girls that are happy being alittle plumper, are happy with our large breasts and our hips that are soft and curvy, that are happy with that gentle roll on the front of our bodies, the ones that can smile and say "I am soft, warm and gentle to touch"..... WE watch some of those nice guys go over to the trashy mean nasty girls... and get shot down because those ugly bitches (insides) are the ones that make you form your opinions of all women.... they turn you down and then head off to those bad boys... and you paint ALL of us with that brush, you tell all of us that we are horrible, stupid and whatever else because one or two of those hags did that.....

I am NOT buying that we are all that way because I KNOW that we are

Liz, from seeing your AV (assuming that it is you) and reading your description, I would choose you over the Ally McBeal types you seem to be describing, for various reasons, one of them being physical attraction. I really like large breasts and hips that are soft and curvy. I have said as much in many of my first-person stories.

All straight men are not alike you know, except for all of them wanting to fuck. I have never abused any of my wives; my father never abused my mother and I am quite sure neither of my brothers has ever abused his wife. It is just not in our natures.

I do have a theory about "serial abusees" - women that get into an abusive relationship, escape it from it, and get back into another just like it. Abusiveness does not exist in a vacuum. People who are abusive tend to be aggressive, self-confident and controlling. Men with these qualities are frequently successful at whatever it is they do, which makes them attractive to women, especially to women who are already attracted to men who are aggressive, etc. With men like this, if things go wrong, they will sometimes take it out on somebody handy, such as a wife of SO. If she gets out of the relationship, and into another one, the second will be with a man who is attractive to her, meaning he has the same qualities that attractred her to the first guy. Abusiveness might not be part of the second man's personal profile, but there is a good chance it will be.

 

[yui]

Guess you're "stupid" just like me, little sister.

Big sister, I would so much rather be "stupid" like you, than display the sort of don't-have-a-freaking-clue-pseudo "smart" that seems so alarmingly prevalent of late, eh?

People who are abusive tend to be aggressive, self-confident and controlling. Men with these qualities are frequently successful at whatever it is they do, which makes them attractive to women, especially to women who are already attracted to men who are aggressive, etc. With men like this, if things go wrong, they will sometimes take it out on somebody handy, such as a wife of SO. If she gets out of the relationship, and into another one, the second will be with a man who is attractive to her, meaning he has the same qualities that attracted her to the first guy. Abusiveness might not be part of the second man's personal profile, but there is a good chance it will be.

I respectfully disagree, Box.

Sugar wouldn't melt in my ex-husband's mouth according to most people. He's the sweetest guy you ever want to meet. He'll do anything for you. I am sick unto death of hearing everyone tell me how sweet a guy he is. They had absolutely no freaking idea of the demon that lived inside him and how that demon visited itself on me.

I fell in love with his sweetness; I had no clue. He would do anything to save face in public, being liked was very important to him. But in private, with just me, after we were married, it was hell on earth, and everything from the fact that it was raining to the fact that his new shoes hurt his feet was my fault. If I heard, "Why do you make me do this?" once, I heard it a thousand times. For every time he was "sweet" in public, I paid dearly for it.

As others have pointed out, liars lie. You never know what someone is capable of until you live with them and by then, it's often much too late.

If you've never been frightened of someone you honestly love, then you cannot understand. If you have never lived in a constant state of hyper-vigilance, of please-god-just-let-it-be-okay, then you cannot understand. If you have never lived with a perpetual sick ball in your tummy, thinking, hoping that this or that might be the thing that makes it right—giving everything that you have to give--then you cannot understand.

Luck,

Yui

 

[Recidiva]

Big sister, I would so much rather be "stupid" like you, than display the sort of don't-have-a-freaking-clue-pseudo "smart" that seems so alarmingly prevalent of late, eh?


I respectfully disagree, Box.

Sugar wouldn't melt in my ex-husband's mouth according to most people. He's the sweetest guy you ever want to meet. He'll do anything for you. I am sick unto death of hearing everyone tell me how sweet a guy he is. They had absolutely no freaking idea of the demon that lived inside him and how that demon visited itself on me.

I fell in love with his sweetness; I had no clue. He would do anything to save face in public, being liked was very important to him. But in private, with just me, after we were married, it was hell on earth, and everything from the fact that it was raining to the fact that his new shoes hurt his feet was my fault. If I heard, "Why do you make me do this?" once, I heard it a thousand times. For every time he was "sweet" in public, I paid dearly for it.

As others have pointed out, liars lie. You never know what someone is capable of until you live with them and by then, it's often much too late.

If you've never been frightened of someone you honestly love, then you cannot understand. If you have never lived in a constant state of hyper-vigilance, of please-god-just-let-it-be-okay, then you cannot understand. If you have never lived with a perpetual sick ball in your tummy, thinking, hoping that this or that might be the thing that makes it right—giving everything that you have to give--then you cannot understand.

Luck,

Yui

Yep. My second husband was the sweetest thing in public. In fact my sister is still convinced that he doted on me and I drove him away. But he in fact did try to choke me to death once and did like whiskey.

He was sweet, kind, romantic, wrote poetry. Cooked for me, opened the door for me and never let me open it for myself. He was my knight in shining armor. He was also an amazing liar, the likes of which I never even learned the full extent until years later. Caught him with another woman.

And was constantly, constantly miserable and lied at the drop of a hat and blamed other people always.

Give me the tough son of a bitch who is able to take responsibility for his own actions and isn't always wounded by the world.

 

[rgraham666]

If you have never lived in a constant state of hyper-vigilance, of please-god-just-let-it-be-okay, then you cannot understand.

That I do understand.

That describes my father to a T.

 

[yui]

Yep. My second husband was the sweetest thing in public. In fact my sister is still convinced that he doted on me and I drove him away. But he in fact did try to choke me to death once and did like whiskey.

He was sweet, kind, romantic, wrote poetry. Cooked for me, opened the door for me and never let me open it for myself. He was my knight in shining armor. He was also an amazing liar, the likes of which I never even learned the full extent until years later. Caught him with another woman.

And was constantly, constantly miserable and lied at the drop of a hat and blamed other people always.

Give me the tough son of a bitch who is able to take responsibility for his own actions and isn't always wounded by the world.

Sweetest guy in the world …

I absolutely agree; give me someone who owns their actions.

That I do understand.

That describes my father to a T.

Somehow, from what you've alluded to, I thought you might understand.

Peace and a safe harbor, Rob.

 

[Boxlicker101]

Big sister, I would so much rather be "stupid" like you, than display the sort of don't-have-a-freaking-clue-pseudo "smart" that seems so alarmingly prevalent of late, eh?

Originally Posted by Boxlicker101
I do have a theory about "serial abusees" - women that get into an abusive relationship, escape it from it, and get back into another just like it. Abusiveness does not exist in a vacuum. People who are abusive tend to be aggressive, self-confident and controlling. Men with these qualities are frequently successful at whatever it is they do, which makes them attractive to women, especially to women who are already attracted to men who are aggressive, etc. With men like this, if things go wrong, they will sometimes take it out on somebody handy, such as a wife of SO. If she gets out of the relationship, and into another one, the second will be with a man who is attractive to her, meaning he has the same qualities that attractred her to the first guy. Abusiveness might not be part of the second man's personal profile, but there is a good chance it will be.

I respectfully disagree, Box.

Sugar wouldn't melt in my ex-husband's mouth according to most people. He's the sweetest guy you ever want to meet. He'll do anything for you. I am sick unto death of hearing everyone tell me how sweet a guy he is. They had absolutely no freaking idea of the demon that lived inside him and how that demon visited itself on me.

I fell in love with his sweetness; I had no clue. He would do anything to save face in public, being liked was very important to him. But in private, with just me, after we were married, it was hell on earth, and everything from the fact that it was raining to the fact that his new shoes hurt his feet was my fault. If I heard, "Why do you make me do this?" once, I heard it a thousand times. For every time he was "sweet" in public, I paid dearly for it.

As others have pointed out, liars lie. You never know what someone is capable of until you live with them and by then, it's often much too late.

If you've never been frightened of someone you honestly love, then you cannot understand. If you have never lived in a constant state of hyper-vigilance, of please-god-just-let-it-be-okay, then you cannot understand. If you have never lived with a perpetual sick ball in your tummy, thinking, hoping that this or that might be the thing that makes it right—giving everything that you have to give--then you cannot understand.

Luck,

Yui

Yui, I have included my entire paragraph, not just the part you included in your post that I am quoting.

What I said is that I have a theory. I have no proof that it is correct but I believe it does explain some things. Most men are not violent or physically abusive toward an SO but there are some women who take up with a string of men who are. Your ex sounds like a childish individual, not like the kind of man I am describing. The man described by Recidiva doesn't either. Were either of them one of a string of abusers or were they anomalies?

 

[Recidiva]

Yui, I have included my entire paragraph, not just the part you included in your post that I am quoting.

What I said is that I have a theory. I have no proof that it is correct but I believe it does explain some things. Most men are not violent or physically abusive toward an SO but there are some women who take up with a string of men who are. Your ex sounds like a childish individual, not like the kind of man I am describing. The man described by Recidiva doesn't either. Were either of them one of a string of abusers or were they anomalies?

I have been hit maybe twice in my life, once by my mother and once by him, so I don't have a pattern of being abused.

He was my best friend and deeply, deeply romantic, as I'd said. He spent lots of time taking very good care of me, cooking, cleaning, just listening to me talk for hours and hours. Had he just stayed my best friend, life would have been perfect.

The thing that happened was that we had a baby.

He said something happened when I gave birth. I didn't want to have a child but he begged me, absolutely begged me and convinced me to. I wasn't sure and he went very far out of his way to make me feel like I'd be cared for and that I should, so I did. However, he shut off like a switch the day his son was born and he said that the physical act of giving birth and being present turned him off so completely that he didn't want anything to do with either of us ever again.

He didn't tell me any of this until years later, just let me suffer.

 

[LadyJeanne]

I have been hit maybe twice in my life, once by my mother and once by him, so I don't have a pattern of being abused.

He was my best friend and deeply, deeply romantic, as I'd said. He spent lots of time taking very good care of me, cooking, cleaning, just listening to me talk for hours and hours. Had he just stayed my best friend, life would have been perfect.

The thing that happened was that we had a baby.

He said something happened when I gave birth. I didn't want to have a child but he begged me, absolutely begged me and convinced me to. I wasn't sure and he went very far out of his way to make me feel like I'd be cared for and that I should, so I did. However, he shut off like a switch the day his son was born and he said that the physical act of giving birth and being present turned him off so completely that he didn't want anything to do with either of us ever again.

He didn't tell me any of this until years later, just let me suffer.

 

[LadyCibelle]

Sugar wouldn't melt in my ex-husband's mouth according to most people. He's the sweetest guy you ever want to meet. He'll do anything for you. I am sick unto death of hearing everyone tell me how sweet a guy he is. They had absolutely no freaking idea of the demon that lived inside him and how that demon visited itself on me.

I fell in love with his sweetness; I had no clue. He would do anything to save face in public, being liked was very important to him. But in private, with just me, after we were married, it was hell on earth, and everything from the fact that it was raining to the fact that his new shoes hurt his feet was my fault. If I heard, "Why do you make me do this?" once, I heard it a thousand times. For every time he was "sweet" in public, I paid dearly for it.
[.......]
If you've never been frightened of someone you honestly love, then you cannot understand. If you have never lived in a constant state of hyper-vigilance, of please-god-just-let-it-be-okay, then you cannot understand. If you have never lived with a perpetual sick ball in your tummy, thinking, hoping that this or that might be the thing that makes it right—giving everything that you have to give--then you cannot understand.

Luck,

Yui

Have we perchance, or should I say bad luck, been married to the same guy?
You've described my EX-asshole so well...it's incredible!

 

[rgraham666]

I have been hit maybe twice in my life, once by my mother and once by him, so I don't have a pattern of being abused.

He was my best friend and deeply, deeply romantic, as I'd said. He spent lots of time taking very good care of me, cooking, cleaning, just listening to me talk for hours and hours. Had he just stayed my best friend, life would have been perfect.

The thing that happened was that we had a baby.

He said something happened when I gave birth. I didn't want to have a child but he begged me, absolutely begged me and convinced me to. I wasn't sure and he went very far out of his way to make me feel like I'd be cared for and that I should, so I did. However, he shut off like a switch the day his son was born and he said that the physical act of giving birth and being present turned him off so completely that he didn't want anything to do with either of us ever again.

He didn't tell me any of this until years later, just let me suffer.

What an asshole!

diva.

 

[BlackShanglan]

Before I'd leap into "why some people remain with abusive partners," I'd have to look at the initial question itself - the "cute jerks / nice guy" choice. Personally, I've never heard it come from anyone I would describe as an especially nice person. That is, of course, not meant to reflect on present company; I don't know Blacksnake from Adam. But of the men and women I've heard enunciating this theory - the female version being "why are all men obsessed with big-titted Barbie dolls and none of them care about people as *people*?" - none of the speakers has ever impressed me as someone who actually comes across as especially appealing "as a person." Possibly some of it is the inherent sense of entitlement/superiorty that the comment itself seems to entail.

I do believe that some people turn down individuals with a great deal to offer in favor of those with less attractive characteristics. However, I'd have to ask two questions before proceeding. (1) Did the person to whom you were attracted fit the "nice but nerdy/pimply" model, or did you possibly fall prey yourself to the tendency to select an above-average attractive desired partner? (2) Would you, personally, find it an attractive characteristic in a mate to hear him/her suggest that members of the opposite sex who choose not to date him/her are idiots?

Shanglan

 

[BlackShanglan]

:
Originally Posted by Boxlicker101
Yui, I have included my entire paragraph, not just the part you included in your post that I am quoting.

What I said is that I have a theory. I have no proof that it is correct but I believe it does explain some things. Most men are not violent or physically abusive toward an SO but there are some women who take up with a string of men who are. Your ex sounds like a childish individual, not like the kind of man I am describing. The man described by Recidiva doesn't either. Were either of them one of a string of abusers or were they anomalies?

I have been hit maybe twice in my life, once by my mother and once by him, so I don't have a pattern of being abused.

He was my best friend and deeply, deeply romantic, as I'd said. He spent lots of time taking very good care of me, cooking, cleaning, just listening to me talk for hours and hours. Had he just stayed my best friend, life would have been perfect.

The thing that happened was that we had a baby.

He said something happened when I gave birth. I didn't want to have a child but he begged me, absolutely begged me and convinced me to. I wasn't sure and he went very far out of his way to make me feel like I'd be cared for and that I should, so I did. However, he shut off like a switch the day his son was born and he said that the physical act of giving birth and being present turned him off so completely that he didn't want anything to do with either of us ever again.

He didn't tell me any of this until years later, just let me suffer.

I actually think you both have very good points. Both elements can contribute, and what Yui describes is surprisingly common - a series of assaults interlaced with "make-ups" that are enticingly earnest and romantic.

If you've got the interest, Roddy Doyle's The Woman Who Walked into Doorsdoes an excellent job of conveying the densely complicated web of attractive, misery, familiarity and fear that trap one woman in such a relationship.

Shanglan
__________________

 

[woodnymph_O]

Yui described my ex-asshole a well , wonder if he was a multi bigamist?

 

[SeaCat]

Do I, coming to this thread late, really have to put my views up here? I think everyone here knows where I stand on abuse and how I react to it.

If you don't know how I react you can ask the others here.

I may change, times may change, but my views and my feelings on this will never change. People in the past have learned how I react and I'm sure more will learn it in the future.

Now before I become angry, I will sign this and check some other thread.

Cat

 

[sweetnpetite]

As a card carrying member of the 'good guys" "big brother' corps, I never understood that one either Blacksnake. The easiest hurt seem to attract the 'bad' boys and chase them like magnets. I can't understand either.

psychology.

 

[sweetnpetite]

The jerk took me in, let me borrow his truck so i wouldn't have to walk everywhere, he was there when my son was born, the whole bit.

He was a nice guy - to begin with.

Exactly. The jerks are the nicest of all to begin with. They know just what to say, what to do to convince you that they are 'not like other guys.' They know just was emptiness you need filled up, just where you are vulnurable. They don't call em playas for nothing- they know their game. Now that i have a bit more experience, I avoid men that seem a little too slick, and run fast from any guy who could be described as 'charming.' [Charming is for snakes, and he probably is one.]


Let me quote Lorrie Morgan here:
Back when I was just fresh off the farm .
Little Miss naïve met Mr. Charm .
Froze-up like a deer in the headlights .
You knocked me off my hooves .
But it wasn’t too long ‘til the spell went south .
And every other word comin’ out of your mouth
Was a downright lie... but smooth .
http://www.lyricsmansion.com/result.php?number=83394

 

[Boxlicker101]

Exactly. The jerks are the nicest of all to begin with. They know just what to say, what to do to convince you that they are 'not like other guys.' They know just was emptiness you need filled up, just where you are vulnurable. They don't call em playas for nothing- they know their game. Now that i have a bit more experience, I avoid men that seem a little too slick, and run fast from any guy who could be described as 'charming.' [Charming is for snakes, and he probably is one.]


Let me quote Lorrie Morgan here:
Back when I was just fresh off the farm .
Little Miss naïve met Mr. Charm .
Froze-up like a deer in the headlights .
You knocked me off my hooves .
But it wasn’t too long ‘til the spell went south .
And every other word comin’ out of your mouth
Was a downright lie... but smooth .
http://www.lyricsmansion.com/result.php?number=83394

Remember: The most charming people in the world are swindlers.

 

[sweetnpetite]

It wasn't physical abuse, so i couldn't take my son and go to the battered women's shelter.

I am not holding this against you, because you didn't know, but I like to get the word out there that you can go to a battered women's shelter for emotional abuse. Ladies, you don't have to be hit to go to an abuse shelter. Any type of abuse- emotional, physical, psychological, sexual even abuse of 'male privalege' is taken very seriously at these places. In fact, they spend a lot of time and money trying to educate people that abuse doesn't have to be physical, and you can get help.

Like I said, I know that you didn't know that, but I just want to get it out there. It is so important to spread the word.

Abuse is a pattern of coercive control that one person exercises over another. Battering is a behavior that physically harms, arouses fear, prevents a partner from doing what they wish or forces them to behave in ways they do not want.

Battering includes the use of physical and sexual violence, threats and intimidation, emotional abuse and economic deprivation.

What is Domestic Violence?
Domestic violence can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner.

Abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure or wound someone.

Domestic violence can happen to anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion or gender. It can happen to couples who are married, living together or who are dating. Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels.


You may be in an emotionally abusive relationship if your partner:
Calls you names, insults you or continually criticizes you.
Does not trust you and acts jealous or possessive.
Tries to isolate you from family or friends.
Monitors where you go, who you call and who you spend time with.
Does not want you to work.
Controls finances or refuses to share money.
Punishes you by withholding affection.
Expects you to ask permission.
Threatens to hurt you, the children, your family or your pets.
Humiliates you in any way.
You may be in a physically abusive relationship if your partner has ever:
Damaged property when angry (thrown objects, punched walls, kicked doors, etc.).
Pushed, slapped, bitten, kicked or choked you.
Abandoned you in a dangerous or unfamiliar place.
Scared you by driving recklessly.
Used a weapon to threaten or hurt you.
Forced you to leave your home.
Trapped you in your home or kept you from leaving.
Prevented you from calling police or seeking medical attention.
Hurt your children.
Used physical force in sexual situations.

You may be in a sexually abusive relationship if your partner:
Views women as objects and believes in rigid gender roles.
Accuses you of cheating or is often jealous of your outside relationships.
Wants you to dress in a sexual way.
Insults you in sexual ways or calls you sexual names.
Has ever forced or manipulated you into to having sex or performing sexual acts.
Held you down during sex.
Demanded sex when you were sick, tired or after beating you.
Hurt you with weapons or objects during sex.
Involved other people in sexual activities with you.
Ignored your feelings regarding sex.

If you answered 'yes' to these questions you may be in an abusive relationship; please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or your local domestic violence center to talk with someone about it.

http://www.ndvh.org/educate/what_is_dv.html

hugs to you.

 

[sweetnpetite]

Remember: The most charming people in the world are swindlers.

Yes, funny thing about jerks- they lie. And they are exceedingly good at it.

 

[sweetnpetite]

Teens are seriously at risk for dating violence. Research shows that physical or sexual abuse is a part of 1 in 3 high school relationships.

In 95% of abusive relationships, men abuse women. However, young women can be violent, and young men can also be victims. Gay, lesbian, bisexual and trans-gendered teens are just as at risk for abuse in their relationships as anyone else.

Abusive relationships have good times and bad times. Part of what makes dating violence so confusing and painful is that there is love mixed with the abuse. This can make it hard to tell if you are really being abused.

http://www.ndvh.org/help/teen-help.html

 

[sweetnpetite]

People can change, but most of them won't.

So very true.

 

[sweetnpetite]

Being abused is control too.

And since the abuser has the control, and he does'nt want her to leave, she doesn't. Because he doesn't let her. Although he may not have physical chains on her, you may not see what is holding her back. Maybe it's 'love' or maybe that's just what she tells you [blacksnake] because she's ashamed of her weakness, or simply afraid to say anything more. Maybe she's afraid for her children, or her life, or maybe she just believes that he is stronger than her. It's different for everybody.

 

[sweetnpetite]

Yeah, but maybe some of those bullies needed to have a victim or two beat the shit out of them.

Often they all ready have. Ever hear of 'kick the dog' syndrom? It's where you take out your frustrations and the unjust abuse or treatment that you recieve (or recieved) and pass it down to the next weakest person or thing.

Beating the shit out of an abuser is only going to feed his rage. It's counterproductive.

 

[sweetnpetite]

You don't relax into the shark's teeth, you give him a bloody nose.

And then you both go to jail. A person isn't a shark. If you have kids, what happens to them when you're both shown to be violent? What happens when you give him a bloody nose so he chews you up? Fighting back is usually the worst thing a victim can do. Unless of course, you enjoy getting kicked around.