Born that way?

[SilverVeil]

I searched for other threads asking this and nothing came up so here goes...


Do you think a person is born with natural Dominant or submissive personalities?

I spent years in a relationship where I was "forced into" acting the Dominant personality in our marriage. If I did not do it, then it wouldn't get done. And I was miserable. Our love making was so so. Only orgasm I could get was from my vibrator. I couldn't get him to be assertive or aggressive at all. In anything. In bed or in life.

I've spent my life searching for something. Something I didn't know how to describe. I've lived to please and try to make happy, people who did not appreciate me in the slightest. They just took and took. Never thinking the one giving or serving might need care too. I was empty. After my divorce I was emotionally dead other than a deep depression and just plain sadness. (there is a difference. trust me) I had cancer. No one was there while I dealt with it. I survived a heart attack I am told literally killed me. They said I had no pulse or heartbeat. (I can not verify this, I was either unconscious or... actually dead.) No one visited. No one was there to hold my hand. I felt so alone, so small and insignificant. Unheard and unseen by those who were always there with their hands out. They sure as fuck saw me then.

And I kept giving to them. Because that was my nature. To try and help. I can not bear to see someone unhappy or in need. If I have two dollars and I have enough, I will give you one of my dollars so you don't go without. That is my nature. I finally wised up and started saying "no" to them when they wanted money. Boy, they stopped coming around pretty damn quick. And I had 2 people from my old life still by my side. The only ones who tried to care about me.



Now that chapter is closed. A open book with fresh new pages is in front of me. Waiting for me to utter the first words of my new story. And I know deep inside the words I have needed to say for so long. What I am searching for is not just a what, it is also a Who.

My new book opened a few weeks ago. Right here. When I opened myself up and posted for the first time in years. Making me vulnerable. Exposing my insecurity. Tomorrow I am starting my new adventure into my unknown. And I know in my heart, in my soul when I am in my car, letting that Who know my adventure is beginning, as we hang up, I will say the two words that will begin it.

"Yes, Master."

Funny. I've been a member here for over 20 years. And it's taken me this long to realize this online community is my home. My safety.

I truly believe I was born a submissive. Now I can start discovering who I really am and how I can be happy.

Updates to come if you're interested.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I don’t think it’s a dichotomy but more of a continuum but I do think that traits like assertiveness/agreeableness, openness to experience, conscientiousness, extraversion and neuroticism/resilience etc that influence where we end up on the scale and our personalities in general are partially hard wired, even if nurture and life experience is part of it too.

 

[PaxNurgle]

I would say that personality traits are molded by life experiences and, in particular, how we are raised. It's a combination of upbringing, the type of values that are instilled, things we are taught, behaviors that are either reinforced or discredited by our own individual experiences. I don't think anyone is a natural born dominant or submissive, basically. Although it is possible that some personality traits like being an extrovert, or neurotic, or more empathetic, may be inborn and/or genetic, and may still play a part in how we react to life experiences and upbringing.

 

[kinky_older_guy]

No idea, really ... I just vaguely remember that being in submission - e.g. kissing someone's feet, shoes, boots ... or being tied up started to turn me on very early in my life. No idea where that ever came from.

 

[CWinWI]

My first introduction into BD&SM came at a very early age. Introduction might be the wrong word.
I remember watching a movie when I was nine years old. The movie took place in either Ireland, Scotland or England. I couldn't say for sure. The time frame was either the latter 1800's or early twentieth century.
A young boy was acting up in school when his teacher yanked him out of his chair, dragged him to the front of the class and spanked him with a ruler for the whole class to see. The boy was bawling his eyes out.
I was absolutely mesmerized.
I don't know why, but I envied him. I wanted to be that boy in the movie.
When I went back to school. I started acting out, hoping I would get the same thing as the boy in the movie.
I had no idea what submission or masochism or humiliation was at that time. I only knew I wanted my teacher to spank me in front of the class.
So, the question is. Was I born submissive?


There's a lot more to this story. P.M. if you're interested.

 

[Altissimus]

Do you think a person is born with natural Dominant or submissive personalities?

Yes... with caveats.

First up, I'd call 'nature vs nurture'. While I think an aspect of natural dominance or submission is nature, a large chunk of it is nurture. But let's group them together for the purposes of reaching puberty, or adulthood, and carry on.

Dominance first. I strongly believe that dominance can be a natural product of the nature/nurture combo. I'd even go so far to say that if that combo doesn't exist, you don't have a 'dominant' you have a 'top'. I don't think it's something that can be learned; you either are or you are not. Associated skills can be learned, sure - rope bondage workshop, anyone? - but then all you have is a dominant or a top that's been to a rope bondage workshop or two. The core personality aspects that make a dominant a dominant are, in my opinion, if not 'born' with then at least established very early on.

Submission is a little more complicated. While the obvious (and correct) answer to this is the same as for dominance, I also strongly believe that submission is something far more often repressed. Society doesn't encourage us to be sexually submissive. In fact, it would be just as accurate to say that it discourages it. There's a stigma associated with it that means it's a 'kink'. And that's interesting, because for many, submission is natural. But then there's also the aspect that assumes because you're submissive in the bedroom you're submissive everywhere else too - and that doesn't (necessarily) follow. As a consequence of this dichotomy, you have many folk who would very much enjoy being submissive, but have a few barriers in the way: a) they are too busy being 'strong' in their professional or personal lives, and don't believe the two things are compatible (not true) b) they repress it, because they fear how they would be viewed if they didn't, and c) they don't understand how they are, and thus it exists as an unfulfilled latent potential unrealised in an unsatisfying marriage.

In this way, dominance is more obvious than submission.

My final point is the real wringer though. Someone can be 'dominant' in personality, approach or sexually, without needing to affix labels like 'BDSM' or 'D/s'. They are quite likely to find a partner willing to be submissive to them (sexually, if not elsewhere) because (IME) dominance is comparatively rare and submission is comparatively common. However, it's quite difficult to be 'submissive' without the other half of the equation - dominance. If you're submissive and your partner isn't dominant, you might be able to convince them to be a top. They might even enjoy it. But as any sub who has had the experience will tell you, there's a country mile between a top and a dominant. Further, all three of the a), b) and c) in the section above won't ever experience their submission unless and until they encounter that natural dominance - and not just any dominant either, but the one that is right for them.

Do you think a person is born with natural Dominant or submissive personalities?

Therefore I'd say:

Dominance? Absolutely.
Submission? Sure... but they might not know it until they find the (not 'a', but 'the') dominant who can bring it out of them.

 

[Goldenfinger]

Therefore I'd say:

Dominance? Absolutely.
Submission? Sure... but they might not know it until they find the (not 'a', but 'the') dominant who can bring it out of them.

Definitely better with the right partner.

 

[Altissimus]

Definitely better with the right partner.

Isn't everything?

 

[Goldenfinger]

Isn't everything?

no truer words.

 

[lil_jenni]

As I posted in another thread about choosing to be a sub, I don't consider it a choice I made. But I don't think I was born that way either. I had a whole host of experiences that shaped me as well as my innate inclinations. They work together to make me a sub.

Now, my Husband would tell you he's not a Dom, and he only fills that role because I need him to do so. But he has a very commanding presence, even when he's not trying to exploit it. He doesn't have to be in charge, but he doesn't back down or submit when he believes in something. And his family told me he has been like that since a young age. So, he may not identify as a Dom outside of what I need, but he was built to be one, I believe.

 

[SmoothAndSweet]

I think your personality is pre-determined. I know I am slightly submissive and I'm fine with it

 

[CWinWI]

When did you know for sure?

 

[Bearsleeve]

I searched for other threads asking this and nothing came up so here goes...


Do you think a person is born with natural Dominant or submissive personalities?

I spent years in a relationship where I was "forced into" acting the Dominant personality in our marriage. If I did not do it, then it wouldn't get done. And I was miserable. Our love making was so so. Only orgasm I could get was from my vibrator. I couldn't get him to be assertive or aggressive at all. In anything. In bed or in life.

I've spent my life searching for something. Something I didn't know how to describe. I've lived to please and try to make happy, people who did not appreciate me in the slightest. They just took and took. Never thinking the one giving or serving might need care too. I was empty. After my divorce I was emotionally dead other than a deep depression and just plain sadness. (there is a difference. trust me) I had cancer. No one was there while I dealt with it. I survived a heart attack I am told literally killed me. They said I had no pulse or heartbeat. (I can not verify this, I was either unconscious or... actually dead.) No one visited. No one was there to hold my hand. I felt so alone, so small and insignificant. Unheard and unseen by those who were always there with their hands out. They sure as fuck saw me then.

And I kept giving to them. Because that was my nature. To try and help. I can not bear to see someone unhappy or in need. If I have two dollars and I have enough, I will give you one of my dollars so you don't go without. That is my nature. I finally wised up and started saying "no" to them when they wanted money. Boy, they stopped coming around pretty damn quick. And I had 2 people from my old life still by my side. The only ones who tried to care about me.



Now that chapter is closed. A open book with fresh new pages is in front of me. Waiting for me to utter the first words of my new story. And I know deep inside the words I have needed to say for so long. What I am searching for is not just a what, it is also a Who.

My new book opened a few weeks ago. Right here. When I opened myself up and posted for the first time in years. Making me vulnerable. Exposing my insecurity. Tomorrow I am starting my new adventure into my unknown. And I know in my heart, in my soul when I am in my car, letting that Who know my adventure is beginning, as we hang up, I will say the two words that will begin it.

"Yes, Master."

Funny. I've been a member here for over 20 years. And it's taken me this long to realize this online community is my home. My safety.

I truly believe I was born a submissive. Now I can start discovering who I really am and how I can be happy.

Updates to come if you're interested.

i was born a lil fag. i didn't know i was different till i met my uncle and he began teaching me

 

[emme8]

I have always been submissive seeking to please those in authority around me.

Always wanted a big strong boyfriend. Always crushed on the older men.

 

[seekingAlpha]

I definitely believe that dominance and submission are traits that are best measured on a spectrum rather than an absolute binary label to be applied to someone. With that being said, there is no doubt that some facets of dominance and submission are totally innate and a result of genetics. I have always wondered if men that identify as Doms would have naturally higher occurring testosterone levels than those that identify as submissives. To take that a step further, I also wonder if the same would be true for women.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I have always wondered if men that identify as Doms would have naturally higher occurring testosterone levels than those that identify as submissives. To take that a step further, I also wonder if the same would be true for women.

Testosterone definitely plays a role in assertiveness and drive, but it is not as easy as higher levels->higher drive etc. The amount om testosterone receptors and how testosterone is balanced by other hormones, has such a big impact that it makes it impossible to make comparisons between individuals of how much testosterone influences, based on levels alone.
For the same indvidual though, I think you would see a difference, as levels fluctuate.
Anecdotally, I think the ”milder with age” thing, might be partially due to lower testosterone levels for example and the same goes for women being less eager to please as estrogen levels go down in relation to testosterone.

 

[SPARTAN047]

I've been submissive since puberty and had very few tendencies to Domme, but I agree that it's kind of shaped by our experiences and not really birth.

 

[Boat1]

I searched for other threads asking this and nothing came up so here goes...


Do you think a person is born with natural Dominant or submissive personalities?

I spent years in a relationship where I was "forced into" acting the Dominant personality in our marriage. If I did not do it, then it wouldn't get done. And I was miserable. Our love making was so so. Only orgasm I could get was from my vibrator. I couldn't get him to be assertive or aggressive at all. In anything. In bed or in life.

I've spent my life searching for something. Something I didn't know how to describe. I've lived to please and try to make happy, people who did not appreciate me in the slightest. They just took and took. Never thinking the one giving or serving might need care too. I was empty. After my divorce I was emotionally dead other than a deep depression and just plain sadness. (there is a difference. trust me) I had cancer. No one was there while I dealt with it. I survived a heart attack I am told literally killed me. They said I had no pulse or heartbeat. (I can not verify this, I was either unconscious or... actually dead.) No one visited. No one was there to hold my hand. I felt so alone, so small and insignificant. Unheard and unseen by those who were always there with their hands out. They sure as fuck saw me then.

And I kept giving to them. Because that was my nature. To try and help. I can not bear to see someone unhappy or in need. If I have two dollars and I have enough, I will give you one of my dollars so you don't go without. That is my nature. I finally wised up and started saying "no" to them when they wanted money. Boy, they stopped coming around pretty damn quick. And I had 2 people from my old life still by my side. The only ones who tried to care about me.



Now that chapter is closed. A open book with fresh new pages is in front of me. Waiting for me to utter the first words of my new story. And I know deep inside the words I have needed to say for so long. What I am searching for is not just a what, it is also a Who.

My new book opened a few weeks ago. Right here. When I opened myself up and posted for the first time in years. Making me vulnerable. Exposing my insecurity. Tomorrow I am starting my new adventure into my unknown. And I know in my heart, in my soul when I am in my car, letting that Who know my adventure is beginning, as we hang up, I will say the two words that will begin it.

"Yes, Master."

Funny. I've been a member here for over 20 years. And it's taken me this long to realize this online community is my home. My safety.

I truly believe I was born a submissive. Now I can start discovering who I really am and how I can be happy.

Updates to come if you're interested.

I don't know if I was born this way, but I can definitely trace it as far back as first grade in elementary school... Because "There was this girl!"....

Chivalry and being a "giver/pleaser" have always been innately in my core being...

As much as I was bored in school, I turned them down twice, on being "bumped forward" a grade... because of the above mentioned girl....

I wish you well on your journey to satisfaction and happiness, as I hope you finally find the Pure Bliss that I have found... and yes, I'D LOVE UPDATES!

 

[BiBunny]

It's nature and nurture, as has already been mentioned above, like most things are.

I'm naturally pretty submissive, a people-pleaser, a person who wants to fix everything for others. Was I born this way, or was it the result of having a sensitive personality and two narcissistic parents?

In my opinion, it's a bit of both.

 

[SashaS_EroticaQueen]

I was born a submissive. I feel this very strongly. I've done a bit of research on the subject, confirming that science sees it much the same way. Nature versus nurture studies have shown that our sexuality is largely a result of our genetic make-up, not our environment.

Like you, I have had trouble being in long-term relationships with men who were not assertive, men who liked to be dominated. Sometimes, they did not even know it, themselves. Like the man who called me 'sick' for wanting him to fuck my ass, and then he came so hard when I tied him to a chair. He lost me after 7 years of misery (for me) and I vowed never to be with someone who makes me unhappy sexually.

But over the years, I then came to realise that some of the best sexual matches for me, were shit as partners. Obviously, such relationships also ended up in tears. I had a master, who was not worthy of me. I had a dream lover, who was a raging alcoholic and could never look after me. I had a sexy dominant lover with whom I maintained a friendship of sorts, for over 10 years, and who was happy to do a threesome with my now fiance, quite recently... but it was a real downer for me, because they did not dominate me properly, or push my buttons as one would expect, and I understand the intricacies of that situation and don't blame them.

Reality?

I belong to my characters. You know, the ones in my stories, that everyone tells me are not 'real'.

But what is real? Science has shown us that what our mind perceives as reality, has the power to make us feel things for real. The power to uplift us or bring us down, even to make us sick! And my characters, they make me feel beautiful, desired, sexy, fragile, feminine, and glad to be alive. When I go to bed at night, I can feel them there, holding me in their arms, caressing me, or sometimes just standing and watching me (since vampires don't sleep, ha ha). I often think to myself that I belong to my art and my writing, that this is the world in which I truly exist.

For sure, some will say I'm crazy, but I will reply that being suppressed is worse. If my 'reality' is that I cannot really find what I'm looking for, because it is simply too rare or non-existent, or some other reason, then I reject that reality! That reality can go get f**#$ed... I'll take my fantasy, any day. No, my characters are not perfect. They don't always do the right thing, indeed they do lots of things that would upset some women. But they are men. They know what they want, and how to get it. And what they want, is the woman they love. Whom they also want to dominate sexually.

If there was a way to 'inspire' a man to be more assertive and more dominant with me, I would do it. But there is NOT. That's another reason I know, this kind of thing is mostly part of our genetic make-up, and not something we can train ourselves to do...

 

[Lost_Writer01]

Yes... with caveats.

First up, I'd call 'nature vs nurture'. While I think an aspect of natural dominance or submission is nature, a large chunk of it is nurture. But let's group them together for the purposes of reaching puberty, or adulthood, and carry on.

Dominance first. I strongly believe that dominance can be a natural product of the nature/nurture combo. I'd even go so far to say that if that combo doesn't exist, you don't have a 'dominant' you have a 'top'. I don't think it's something that can be learned; you either are or you are not. Associated skills can be learned, sure - rope bondage workshop, anyone? - but then all you have is a dominant or a top that's been to a rope bondage workshop or two. The core personality aspects that make a dominant a dominant are, in my opinion, if not 'born' with then at least established very early on.

Submission is a little more complicated. While the obvious (and correct) answer to this is the same as for dominance, I also strongly believe that submission is something far more often repressed. Society doesn't encourage us to be sexually submissive. In fact, it would be just as accurate to say that it discourages it. There's a stigma associated with it that means it's a 'kink'. And that's interesting, because for many, submission is natural. But then there's also the aspect that assumes because you're submissive in the bedroom you're submissive everywhere else too - and that doesn't (necessarily) follow. As a consequence of this dichotomy, you have many folk who would very much enjoy being submissive, but have a few barriers in the way: a) they are too busy being 'strong' in their professional or personal lives, and don't believe the two things are compatible (not true) b) they repress it, because they fear how they would be viewed if they didn't, and c) they don't understand how they are, and thus it exists as an unfulfilled latent potential unrealised in an unsatisfying marriage.

In this way, dominance is more obvious than submission.

My final point is the real wringer though. Someone can be 'dominant' in personality, approach or sexually, without needing to affix labels like 'BDSM' or 'D/s'. They are quite likely to find a partner willing to be submissive to them (sexually, if not elsewhere) because (IME) dominance is comparatively rare and submission is comparatively common. However, it's quite difficult to be 'submissive' without the other half of the equation - dominance. If you're submissive and your partner isn't dominant, you might be able to convince them to be a top. They might even enjoy it. But as any sub who has had the experience will tell you, there's a country mile between a top and a dominant. Further, all three of the a), b) and c) in the section above won't ever experience their submission unless and until they encounter that natural dominance - and not just any dominant either, but the one that is right for them.



Therefore I'd say:

Dominance? Absolutely.
Submission? Sure... but they might not know it until they find the (not 'a', but 'the') dominant who can bring it out of them.

This is very well articulated and agree with the vast majority, if not all of it.

As I posted in another thread about choosing to be a sub, I don't consider it a choice I made. But I don't think I was born that way either. I had a whole host of experiences that shaped me as well as my innate inclinations. They work together to make me a sub.

Now, my Husband would tell you he's not a Dom, and he only fills that role because I need him to do so. But he has a very commanding presence, even when he's not trying to exploit it. He doesn't have to be in charge, but he doesn't back down or submit when he believes in something. And his family told me he has been like that since a young age. So, he may not identify as a Dom outside of what I need, but he was built to be one, I believe.

And this example certainly illustrates the above!

It seems to be why there are a significant number of ‘fake’ doms online and around. Some are not malicious with it, they are simply trying to be what they are not.

Similarly, that’s often why a submissive has a strong desire to be with a truly dominant person, not just a top.

 

[Illgiveitatry1]

Definitely better with the right partner.

Oh absolutely I agree