Bondage Story Feedback Sought

[bigteddybear10011]

My first submission is here: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=374576.

I have several other stories I have written, all variations on this theme and would like some feedback if anyone is interested. I will post more if the feedback encourages it, and will tweak later stories based on all the comments and feedback I receive.

Thanks for your time!

-BHT

 

[freshface]

I really try hard to avoid saying, "Go find an editor," but I can't help it this time. You have good, descriptive writing, but the punctuation problems kept me from ever getting in to the story flow.

She shifted in the leather seat of the car. Squirming, I heard the rustle of her short satin dress.

In this sentence, your narrator is doing the squirming. It doesn't really fit him. It should be more like this:

She shifted in the leather seat of the car, squirming. I heard the rustle of her short satin dress.

Personally, I would remove the word squirming. Shifting is descriptive enough, but that's just me.

Her wrists unadorned with any jewelery were my first quarry.

Without the commas to separate out the clause, this sounds like your second target was her wrists that were adorned with jewelry.

Her wrists, unadorned with any jewelery, were my first quarry.

You average one to two ellipses per paragraph. In fact, it's an unusual paragraph that doesn't have them. I would use them much less frequently and work on writing complete sentences. I'm not opposed to ellipses, but you expect them to carry the story too much.

You write well and had a nice twist at the end. Keep writing and find an editor and I think you'll do well here. You've already managed to get your first troll, so you've had an effect on someone.

 

[bigteddybear10011]

Thanks very much for the feedback. You are right, I have always had a punctuation problem, and getting the whole story out with that issue is tough. I want to continue to edit and tweak the stories I have. I know they are very descriptive and well thought out. In fact, the woman in this story is a common thread through out several of them.

As for the trolls, they area all over now aren't they. I have learned to ignore them.

 

[Guest]

I agree with everything FF said and have a few things to add.

First person/present tense POV may not be the best choice for this story. It's a back click trigger for many readers anyway.

Third person/past tense may read easier.

At any rate, you tend to switch between the two. That makes it difficult to read. Settle on one and stick with it.

Example:

We drive back in silence. The dinner was superb. She has never eaten at such an expensive restaurant. She didn't even understand the menu, or what I ordered (since it was in French).

(My changes) They drove back in silence. The dinner was superb. She'd never eaten at such an expensive restaurant. She didn't even understand the menu, nor what he had ordered since it was in French.

She was quiet. Nervous, probably. The dining room of the place we were in was quiet, and I leaned close and told her what I was going to do with her...to her...

She was quiet. Probably nervous. The dining room of the place they were at was quiet too, and he leaned close and told her what he was going to do with her.

And to her.

This was our third meeting. The first two were to get to know each other, her husband at the first. They took place at a small bookstore, in the back, the owner privy to the purpose of the meeting.

This was their third meeting. The first two were just to get to know each other and took place in the back of a small bookstore. The owner was privy to the purpose of the meeting and her husband attended the first.

And so forth -

I thought your dialogue was believable, and once you got to that part of the story things flowed more easily.

I do think this paragraph should be broken up. It's confusing.

She shifted in the leather seat of the car. Squirming, I heard the rustle of her short satin dress. I could see the embarrassment in her when she walked into the restaurant. It was her first time wearing a dress that short, and revealing. I had arranged for her to see my friend Eileen at the boutique down the street from where we ate. Another shop owner privy to the reason for the appointment. The dress was delivered to her at work the next day. The next day because we were dining together that night, and at work because now she had to sit in her office thinking about what she would be wearing that evening. The box contained everything she would be wearing. The dress, and a pair of high heeled leather spiked heel shoes.

I enjoy this category and think you're off to a great start.

Good luck!

 

[bigteddybear10011]

thank you sarahh...I always appreciate feedback.

I had wanted to write this story from both points of view. Hence the first person. I thought it would be interesting to explore his, versus her, POV. I might still go back and do it, but I hadn't relaized it was such a turn off to the readers here. That will be a good thing to keep in mind.

 

[Guest]

thank you sarahh...I always appreciate feedback.

I had wanted to write this story from both points of view. Hence the first person. I thought it would be interesting to explore his, versus her, POV. I might still go back and do it, but I hadn't relaized it was such a turn off to the readers here. That will be a good thing to keep in mind.

You're welcome!

It is possible to do a story with differing points of view, of course. Just make certain you begin a new paragraph with the new POV.

 

[bigteddybear10011]

Oh, I wanted two completely different stories. One with her POV and one with his.

 

[freshface]

thank you sarahh...I always appreciate feedback.

I had wanted to write this story from both points of view. Hence the first person. I thought it would be interesting to explore his, versus her, POV. I might still go back and do it, but I hadn't relaized it was such a turn off to the readers here. That will be a good thing to keep in mind.

First person isn't a problem; lots of stories here use that POV. In general, past tense works better than present tense. To me, first person, past tense is someone sitting next to me telling me a story. First person, present tense is just weird, because you're telling me the story at the same time that you're living it. I meant to bring up your past tense/present tense shift and forgot, so I'm glad SSS did.

Switching POVs within the story can be done, but you have to be clear to the reader when you're doing it and who is narrating. 3113 did a nice job of alternating POVs in Bittersweet .

Post a thread in the Editor's Forum asking for help and you should be able to attract someone who can help with the punctuation problems.

 

[bigteddybear10011]

Thanks freshface, I appreciate the input.