Bondage Bowl XXXVII

[sirhugs]

Its a while since I posted here, but here is my newest story,

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=79742



I have the potential for a sequel. Are Ted and Alice worthy of a sequel?
If so, what 4 additional "lessons " should Ted teach Alice? Should I introduce another player ( one of the other trophy wives mentioned in the story)?

It is my first attempt at BDSM, so I may not have it quite "right", so please be gentle on that aspect.

 

[the_bragis]

Hello Sir Hugs,

You first effort in bdsm? No bad, not bad at all, only Hugs Honey, I see two major problems with this story, and neither of them have anything to do with your talent as a writer.

One, you have chosen to write it in the first and second person, and damn it don't you know by now most readers simply don't like that. I have to say personally I find this style knd of awkward to read.

Two, it's a little like when you see posting complaining that cousins aren't really incest stories. A lot of people scanning through the bdsm section for some action may be a little disappointed with this, simply because it's not what they may consider true bdsm.

It is my first attempt at BDSM, so I may not have it quite "right", so please be gentle on that aspect.

Gentle! You will take it all like the little whore boy writer you really are, and when I have finished with you, you will beg for more!

Ok, this is what else I noted as I read.

Something told me I might find one at the party. I hoped she might be a newbie, trainable to my style.

This is good, but I thought it could have been a little 'stronger' in line with a Dom's way of thinking. - I knew out of all those hot women (sluts?) a least one of them would be trainable to my ways.

He greeted me warmly, and waved me through the patio door into your kitchen.

It's probably just me, but I just can't get enough dialog in a story. It just seems to make the characters jump to living breathing people for me. Here and in several other places, I saw missed opportunities for a dialog. Oddly, I haven't noticed that missing in your other stories.

“Mmmmmm. Baby powder and barbeque, my fave.” I couldn’t help teasing.

Cute! I like it!

None of us trust our husbands to manage domestically when football is on. They become so focused on the game, you could blow off a cannon and not get their attention.

Yes, absolutely 100% correct!

“Tonight, Alice, I want you to know what a real man is like. A man who knows that women need to be taken, and used, and that women know pleasure only after giving up their will. I am that man, and after tonight, I will own you. You will still be married to Jerry, still fuck him, but only cum for me. Can Jerry even make you cum?”


I understand what you were aiming for here, but it just seemed odd. I love a little bdsm, but this just seemed too direct. If a man said this to me, I would tell him, well never mind what I would tell him. I just think it would have worked better in more seductive tones. You know a little bit of resistance from her, a little more effort in seducing her from him.

You fell into submissive position before me, sliding the sheath on my hard cock as I quietly unlocked the door, leaving it open just a bit.

There are many submissive positions, which one was this? Where her legs spread wide? Was her sex fully exposed to him? Was she shyly lowering her head? Readers of bdsm, thrive on descriptions of things like this, so don't hold back. I know from reading your other work, you are very capable of good descriptions.

a rough dirty kiss , teeth grinding, sucking your lower lip into my mouth.

This is nice hot stuff, only I found what followed read oddly to me.

...,and another kissed you again, but this time, you let your head tilt so your neck presented itself to my lips.

I kissed your neck, and bit.

Again details please, and not so much of the kiss, but the bite and her reaction.

You moaned, saying, “my nipples are hard from the feel of your mouth on my neck.”

You know how people in here are always saying 'show don't tell'? I think there are a few places in this story where she should have shown and instead of telling.

Your breasts strained for my touch.

This read awkwardly for me, I didn't understand breasts straining.

“My cunt is so empty. I need your fat hard cock. Jerry is nothing compared to you. You’re right, a real man like you is what I need. Use me. Teach me. Train me. Enslave me.”

Hang on a sec, they haven't done 'it' yet! How does she know he's so good? And again if she's going to fall into that submissive roll so easily I think perhaps you need a little bit of back story. You know something like she always fantasized about being spanked, or every time she sees a cop she thinks about being handcuffed. Something, anything really, just to give her willingess to submit some credibility.

“I'm lost in a haze of desire...my body is crying out for your touch...my mind unable to focus on anything else...except the desire to please you...and be pleased by you!” you moaned.

This may have been so, but would she really say it like that? I guess the biggest advantage of writing in the third person in the ease of expressing how and what characters are feeling.

“You need to beg better than that,” I replied, twisting your nipples as you writhed helplessly under me.


Again I think 'stronger' dialog would have worked better here. - "Then beg for it!" I replied, twisting your... or "Then let me hear you beg for it!"

Gasping, you said, “ please........I need you....now.....pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!”


Remember only three periods and while it's not a pet perv of mine, it is for some people, so you may want to rethink 'pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease'

I spied your hair clips on the dresser, and improvising again, grabbed them to use as nipple clamps. Your breasts heaved in anticipation as I began to fasten the clamps to your nipples, you whispered “...hurts sooooooo good!”


This is a nice touch, but again a little more detail would add a little spice.

As punishment, I removed my cock, and shoved my fist inside you.

OW! And then this...

“I'm so sorry master...please don't be mad...you control me, my body...you made me cum...thank you master...use me as you wish...I am yours...”

Now if he ready did manage to fist her like that, I think she might have a different reaction.

And then...

I replied by silently suddenly savagely piercing your ass with my hard cock, fist still inside you.

Yes, now I damned sure she would have had a different reaction!

you hands still of course pulled in front by the ties

No need to remind readers of her position.

my hard cock ready to burst in your bowels.

Sorry, but this didn't do a great deal for me.

A nice little ending, it made me smile.

Another player? Well it's entirely up to you, it's your story. I can tell you though, when you include another woman in a story like, you can expect your views to double.

Should you continue with more 'lessons'? I have read a few of your stories now, and I always enjoy them. This is something very new for you isn't it? It's like nothing you have done before that I am aware of. Now isn't writing all about pressing and challenging yourself. I know a least one other of your storiy you wrote as a literary challenge to yourself. So sure, go for it Sir Hugs - knock yourself out!


I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day,

Alex. (fem)

 

[sirhugs]

Alex:

good comments. I appreciate the effort you put into them.

I knew the second person aspect might turn people off, as I seldom read second person stories, but that's an example of " thats how the tory wrote itself". Perhaps because it started as a gift for an audience of one.
similaily, I know the "hardcore" BDSM audience might not think it real enough. And by putting it there, I lose other readers. Oh well, is all I can say. It seemed to fit there.

I thought there was a good amount of dialogue, so that comment leapt out at me. Like you, I am always keen on dialogue, so if you thought I fell short, its significant.

The several comments about more detail are very helpful.

I'm glad you liked the ending. Which way did you read it- did Jerry know what they did?

Yes, I like to experiment and stretch myself. I may or may not travel this particular path again, but it was fun and easy to write this story, and a nice change.

 

[the_bragis]

Hello again Sir Hugs,

Oh well, is all I can say. It seemed to fit there.

Yes, I agree it couldn't have gone anywhere else.

I don't know what kind of feedback and ratings you have on this story yet, but I do feel they maybe influenced by the fact that it's not what some readers would consider 100% bdsm. It's so often a hard call knowing which category to put a story into isn't it? If say you put this one in Erotic Couplings, I'm sure many readers would have baulked at it in there.


I thought there was a good amount of dialogue, so that comment leapt out at me. Like you, I am always keen on dialogue, so if you thought I fell short, its significant.

I'm not an expert by any stretch. Others with more experience and knowledge may totally disagree with me on this one. It's just something that I happened to feel was missing. When I read the particular piece I used as an example, I immediately thought it would have perhaps been a good opportunity to demonstrate exactly what kind of man Jerry was. You know maybe a drunken "How are you mate?" Slurred speech, beer breath, back slapping, ignore the females,and mate ship kind of stuff. Or maybe with a nickname like "Sir Hugs" you don't neglect you ladies like that?

I'm glad you liked the ending. Which way did you read it- did Jerry know what they did?

Well this is kind of interest. I mean I really enjoy a story where a little piece of it is left up to the reader to ponder. Like here, I rather saw 'you' as deliberately leaving the door ajar and listening to see if anyone was outside as a way of adding to the excitement for Alice. We (the readers) aren't give a lot of information about Jerry, apart from how 'you' see him. I would have suspected Jerry had been watching if I had been given some kind of hint earlier on. - "Hey, have you ever seen such a sweet ass?" Jerry quizzed me, sniggling as his wife leaning over the kitchen bench.

Oh and your ending - well here was a classic case an awful lot being said with just a few words, and I like that very much! Come to think of it, and I'm not sure how you would have managed it, but it would have made a great hook at the beginning of your story.

I wish you well with your future writing,

Have a great day now,

Alex. (fem)