Blind Date

[Tibxo]

Renewable..???

She did say that the contract is renewable on a monthly basis? Does that mean that I may have to do this for more than a month?

I feel my throat suddenly starting to cave in as I wonder if this is a good idea after all.

"Excuse me, " I cough, moving the pen away. "Can you tell me what you mean by 'this contract is renewable on a monthly basis for up to ninety days depending on the ratings'? I thought it was just for one month?"

In my mind's eye, I can picture poor old Chumley going around with those damn bows tied to him...

 

[Maid of Marvels]

Woo hoo!

TWO HUNDRED POSTS!!

Can you believe we actually got this far, Tib? Amazing! And you've only got that slight twitch and a little bit of a stutter. I guess I need to work harder.

Thank you for a wonderful time... You set "Kate" up so perfectly.

Here's to 200 more!

Love,
~N

 

[Tibxo]

And I thought my prison sentence was over...

OOC:

I have enjoyed posting with you.

(He says as he downs yet another glass of neat whiskey to mask the pain).



And my next post will be my 1000th. I wonder what I will do?

 

[Maid of Marvels]

OOC: Oh... Blaming me for your drinking problem?? Even belonging to the "Men Against The Evil One" Club will not save you now, Tibvo. When you hear poor Tim screaming, you will have no one to blame but yourself. (Ooh and congratulations on 1,000... Give me a chance at making you miserable for the next 1,000 as well?)

"Actually, Tom. Is it Tim or Tom?? I'm feeling a bit confused here... You seem to have signed the contract Tom Murphy."

"No, Kelly... that's just my pet name for his... erm... Right, Tim?" I say with a bright smile. "He's crazy about me you know. I can hardly keep him out of the bedroom. Some days he just takes me where ever the mood strikes. There was this time in the grocery store... Tell her about it, sweetie. You are going to love this story, Kelly!"

"Umm... No, Kate. That won't be quite necessary," Kelly Brians says, looking quite flushed.

"Well, if you ever do want to hear it, just give us a holler. Oh, I was wondering... Will there be cameras in the bedroom? He really is a sex maniac," I add in a loud whisper. "I just wondered whether to bring the handcuffs and our other toys."

Kelly and Tim are both starting to look as though they will soon keel over from some strange fit or another, so I figure maybe I've caused enough damage for the day and shut up. At least now maybe we'll find out if the bedroom scenes will end up on someone's video shelf next month.

 

[Tibxo]

What is she like?

But the question comes too late. She has already signed it.

"Actually, Tom. Is it Tim or Tom?? I'm feeling a bit confused here... You seem to have signed the contract Tom Murphy."

I am about to answer her when she cuts in.

"No, Kelly... that's just my pet name for his... erm... Right, Tim? He's crazy about me you know. I can hardly keep him out of the bedroom...blah!...blah!...blah!"

Oh no! Not again??? I suddenly remember how she was telling those women at that bar. I close my eyes and grimace as Kate goes on and on.

"Blah! Blah! Blah!...grocery store...blah! blah! blah!"

Grocery store? What grocery store?

"Blah! Blah! Blah! Cameras in the bedroom..."

What!!!??

"Blah! Blah!...handcuffs and other toys...Blah! Blah!"

Sob!

Opening my eyes, I see that Ms Brians is looking at Kate, decidedly looking flushed. Suddenly the prospect of spending at least one month with the bitch from Hell is too much. Oh God! I can't take this! Gotta get out of this before it's too late! No amount of money is worth it. What was I thinking of?

"Ms Brians?" I quickly blurt out just in case I lose my courage. "We have a confession." I can feel Kate's hand on my leg tighten.

"Yes, Tim - I mean Tom. No! I mean Tim." Ms Brians says.

"The thing is, Kate and I aren't married. So we can't do this now, can we?"

I say a silent prayer, hoping against hope that this will scupper things...

 

[Maid of Marvels]

"The thing is, Kate and I aren't married. So we can't do this now, can we?"

"Honey... " I can't believe the jerk is doing this. Throwing all that cash right out the window. "Sweetie... You can't start one of our little scenarios here in Kelly's office."

I turn to Kelly Brians who is looking quite flustered. "Not married? This changes things quite a bit, Mr. Murphy and... " She doesn't seem to know how to address me at this point, but I am ten steps ahead of her.

"I told you he was a sex maniac," I begin as I open my purse to get the 'backup' out. Oh brother, do I owe Chester big time. "You see," I add in a conspiratorial whisper, "Tim likes to pretend we are strangers and have never met before. Then he 'picks me up' and has his way with me."

Unfolding the paper, I hand it to Kelly Brians. It's a bona fide marriage certificate, raised seal and all. "You see, Kelly... We are indeed married. Here is the original certificate."

Kelly takes it from me and looks it over, turning it to the back and looking at the front once more. "Yes... I see that this is the real McCoy. Mr. Murphy... Tim... You really gave me quite a start there for a minute."

"Oh, don't mind him, Kelly... He's such a tease. Aren't you, Dear??" Patting Tim on the leg, dangerously close to his crotch, I smile. "We'll play a different game when we get home, all right? How about 'Ride 'em Cowboy?' "

 

[Tibxo]

*choke*

"Oh, don't mind him, Kelly... He's such a tease. Aren't you, Dear?? We'll play a different game when we get home, all right? How about 'Ride 'em Cowboy?' "

I watch Ms Brians hand Kate back the accursed piece of paper.

What have I done?

I feel I have just made a pact with the Devil.

I am doomed! Doomed!

"Are you okay, Tim? You look very pale?"

"He's alright!" She cuts in again. "Still worn out from last night aren't you, darling?" I grimace again as I feel the tart kiss my cheek with a wet slobber.

"Okay then. " Ms Brians says finally. "The house we have chosen will be ready by the end of the week. Can you move in Friday?"

"Well, not re...." I start to say.

"Of course, we can!"

"Good! Then you will be picked up at 10am on Friday and be taken straight to your new home."

Think of the money! Think of the money!

"And who know? If this show is as successful as we think it is, then we most likely be able to extend the time period. That won't cause any problems will it?"

"Well, yes..." I start to say.

"Of course, it won't!"

"Excellent!" Ms Brians says and I find it is time to go. "See you on Friday."

With her arm wrapped around mine, I feel myself being herded out of the office and building.

Think of the money! Think of the money!...

 

[Maid of Marvels]

Interview over...

As we make our way to the car, I can see that Tim is about to lose it altogether. "Don't you dare, Tim Murphy! You almost blew the whole deal. What were you thinking?"

His mouth starts to open, but I continue ranting. "Do you have any idea how early I had to get up to have this tattoo put on my ass? Not to mention what it cost to have done AND the paper copy too, don't forget."

Tapping my foot, I wait for him to open the car door. Again. "I saved your butt in there. You should have known I'd have everything under control. I could go back and tell her it's all a hoax... but I thought you wanted the cash. Me? The money is nice, but I had hoped we would finally get a chance to know each other."

Getting into the car, I wait for him to close the door and get in on the driver's side. "I don't know why I care what you think, but I do. Well, you're stuck with me now, Mr. Murphy. For at least a month starting Friday. I'll be at your house bright and early that morning... I have to assume they think we both live there."

Tim doesn't say a word, though that silence speaks volumes. When he pulls up in front of my apartment, I let myself out of the car and turn before going in.

"Dammit, Tim. I just... Oh, the hell with it. I'll see you on Friday."

 

[Tibxo]

What's the matter with her?

If I didn't know better, I'd swear that she loved me???

I shake my head as I drive to a local bar.

No! That's insane! We have only seen each other a few times and only the first time was a proper date.

Pushing that thought aside, I concentrate on the money.

At least she's managed to persuade Kelly to pay us $15,000 a day.

Once at the bar, I decide to drink myself into oblivion. I am just reaching the I can't see for shit stage when I feel a hand on my shoulder.

"W..w.w...what....? Bob?" I see a blur that looks like my best bud. "W..w..w..wanna drink?"

"Hiya, pal and no thanks. People were worried where you were."

"I....I...I...am...here." I tell him.

"Yeah! I know, pal. But I think you have had enough. Time to go home."

"O...oookayyy." What a great guy. Worrying about me...

 

[Maid of Marvels]

Monday morning found me more than a little hung over as I fumbled with the keys to open up. I had gone on a binge that started when I got home from the meeting with Kelly Brians and ended... I looked down at my watch. Well, about three hours ago. It was eight thirty in the morning now.

"What are you doing here?" I looked up to see Sandy approaching the office, key in hand. "Let me get that," she said, deftly unlocking the door.

"Damned show off!" I mumbled, pushing my sunglasses more firmly up my nose. "And good morning to you, too. I own this place, remember?"

"Uh huh. I haven't forgotten... And I've seen better looking corpses than you. What the hell happened this weekend for Pete's sake? Both you and Tim went on benders? What's up with that, Kate?" Sandy ran on while she started making a pot of coffee.

"God! Does that coffeepot always make such a racket? And YOU... Do you have to shout?" I muttered weakly as I lowered my head into my arms on my desk. "Can't you see I'm in pain here?"

"Yup. I have to shout," Sandy smirked as she poured me a cup and put it on my desk. "Drink up. But it looks like you've already been doing that," she added to herself. At least I think she said it to herself.

"So tell me about this thing you and Tim are supposed to do. I only heard some of it from Bob. He said Tim wasn't making much sense when he fetched him home from the bar the other night. A month? In the same house? Pretending to be married?"

Sipping my coffee, I proceeded to tell her the story of the twenty seven eight-by-ten color glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and the paragraph on the back of each one... Ending with "Being a Cat Lady is beginning to look REAL good just about now, Sandy."

To her credit, she just rolled her eyes and said "You two are just soooo not right" and walked back out into the main office shaking her head in exasperation.

 

[Tibxo]

Ohhh! My aching head!

Brrriiinnnnngggg!

What the...?

Then I feel my whole skull starting to cave in on me.

S-someone's at the door!

Struggling to my feet, I pull on my dressing gown and stagger out of the room and down the hall. It is as I answer the door then I realise that my head isn't the only thing hurting. Suddenly, I find myself vomiting all over my visitor's feet.

As I clutch my stomach, I look up and find myself peering at Mr Jehanox!

Oh no...

 

[Messalina]

Trixie

"Isn't that precious? I told you that you were sweet, Honeybuns. Just like eating too much cotton candy at the carnival. He's so happy to see you that he got sick to his stomach!"

Trixie pushed past her lover man and his employee, calling out as she went from room to room opening and closing doors. "Katey! Yoo hoo, Katey! Where are ya doll face? We were in the neighborhood and thought we'd stop by."

Returning to the foyer where Tim and her Cutesy Wootsie were still standing staring at each other, she looked from one to the other. "Where's your wife, Tom? I was looking forward to some girl talk." Shrugging, she began to inspect the living room.

"Hey. How 'bout a drink, Sweetums? There's some scotch over here."

 

[Yoc]

Mr Jehanox

Jehanox looks at his expensive shoes.

He had only got them delivered yesterday and now they are covered in vomit. He is not very impressed. Especially since they were Bruno Magli's and he had them imported all the way from Italy.

But more importantly is the fact that Trixie had followed him in. He had hoped on getting Murphy on his own so that he could invite him out on a "business dinner" one night this week.

"Hey. How 'bout a drink, Sweetums? There's some scotch over here." She calls out.

"Yeah, sure. Whatever. Murphy, can I use your bathroom? I need to clean up my shoes."

"Erm..yes, Sir. This way."

He follows Murphy to the bathroom, Jehanox's eyes clued to the way his hips moved underneath his robe...

 

[Tibxo]

I can feel his eyes...

On my butt???

Spinning round which almost makes me want to retch again, I see Jehanox quickly looking at a painting on the wall.

"Nice painting."

Yeah! Right! He was looking at my butt!

"Ermm... Let me get dressed, Sir." I quickly tell him as I make a dive for my bedroom.

My head is still spinning as I struggle with my clothes. I had almost managed to master my pants when the door bell goes again.

Oh no! Who is it this time??

"I'll get it!" Trixie's high-pitched shout shoots right through my aching head.

Then there is a knock on the door.

"Hey, Tim!" It's Bob.

What is he doing here?

"Say. Thought it was a good idea if you, Kate, Sandy and me went out for the day. What do you say?"

Go out??

At that point, I lose my balance while trying to put my second leg into my pants...

 

[Tibxo]

Nooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I suddenly find sitting up, sweating profusely.

What...?

Disorientated at first, I realise that I am in my own bedroom.

It was all a dream!

Feeling the relief rushing over me, I flop back onto the bed. I can still see myself puking over old Jehanox's shoes.

Jesus! Fancying going out with Bob, Sandy, Kate AND Mr Jehanox. Arrghhh!!! The thought is almost too much to bear.

Talking of 'Arrghhh!', I suddenly realise what day it is. Looking at my clock, I see it's already 8.30am.

Oh! Oh! She could be here any time and I don't want her succumbing to me again!

Quickly, I get up and jump into the shower...

 

[Maid of Marvels]

Today's the day!!

I'd already packed the essentials and Kelly had assured us that we would be allowed "guests", so I figured Sandy could bring me anything else I needed. The taxi was waiting, and Ben the doorman had carried my luggage as well as the "boys" in their carriers downstairs for me.

Twenty minutes later, I was standing at Tim's door with everything unloaded on his doorstep. Jesus, I hoped we could pull this off. We would both be sitting pretty for a while if we did.

I looked at my watch and rang the doorbell. Eight thirty five. I hoped he didn't mind me coming a little early. Hmm... no answer. Hoping he didn't chicken out, I turned the knob to find it unlocked.

"Tim?" No answer. Where is that guy? I quickly moved my things inside the door and went looking for him.

The bathroom door was open and I could hear the water running. Ahh... There he is! No wonder he didn't hear me. Thinking that I'd better let him know I'm here so he doesn't get a shock, I walk over to the shower and pull the curtain aside.

"Honey! I'm home!"

 

[Tibxo]

What!!!!???

"W-what are you doing here?" I shout as I quickly grab the shower curtain and fold it around me. "Can't you see that I am having a shower? And how did you get in anyway?"

"So?" She says as if it's no big deal. "It's not as if I haven't seen it all before. Anyway, are you all ready?"

I can't believe she is still standing there!

"Does it look like I'm ready?" I snap at her.

God! This woman is dense!...

 

[Maid of Marvels]

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain...

Tim pulled the shower curtain closed with a loud harumph, as if he were dismissing me. No such luck. There were things that he and I needed to discuss before we moved into our new home and time was wasting.

Lowering BOTH seats on the commode, I made myself comfortable. "I know this is your house and your throne... erm... toilet, but we will be living together for a while and I have to tell you... There is nothing worse than going into the bathroom in the middle of the night and landing in ice cold water. So be a sweetie and close the seatie... "

"So you're still there, then? What are you like? Sitting in the bathroom while I try to shower??" he grumbled.

"Sorry," I mumbled. trying to at least sound apologetic, though I didn't get up from my perch. "Married couples do things like this, Tim. You really should get used to it."

 

[Tibxo]

Close the seatie???

What is she going on about??? You would think we are really married or something!

"Look! Can't we wait until we get to the house before we play the "happily married couple"? Until then, I am a dye-hard batchellor trying to enjoy his morning shower. So I would appreciate it if you would leave me to get on with it."

Sheesh!...

 

[Maid of Marvels]

Talk about grumpy...

"I can't believe you're such a grouch in the morning. I don't know how I could have married you. Things are going to have to change... and fast or we'll never pull this off."

Did I hear a sob coming from behind the curtain? Oh brother. PLEASE don't let him have a nervous breakdown now!!

"Are you all right? You aren't crying, are you?" I ask with a twinge of concern. Not waiting for an answer, I barrel onward. "Look, Tim... You are really going to have to get used to me being around you all the time and almost everywhere you will be. If you are this flip with your wife, what will you do to the camera crew? Snap their heads off and eat them for breakfast?"

 

[Tibxo]

She's still NOT taking the hint...

"Please, Kate. Pllllleeeeeeeeasssssseee give me five minutes so that I can have my shower. That's all I am asking." I gibber.

I can't believe it. She has only been here five minutes and already I am reduced to a quivering wreck while taking a shower. What is going to be like for the next month???...

 

[Maid of Marvels]

I put on a pot of coffee while I'm waiting...

Five minutes...

Ten minutes...

Eighteen minutes...

But who's counting? What the hell is he doing in there? I can't help wondering if Mr. Not Playing With a Full Deck Murphy hasn't gone suicidal on me. With our track record, it wouldn't surprise me one bit if he killed himself to get out of doing something involving me.

Twenty two minutes...

That's it!! I storm down the hall and barge into the bathroom. "What the hell are you doing? They'll be here with the limo to... Oooh baby! Guess you haven't departed this cruel world after all," I say with a grin as I admire Tim standing there in all his glory.

Twirling my finger in a circular motion, I chuckle. "Come on. Turn around, turn around. Let me get the full effect."

 

[Tibxo]

Thank you! I tell Him on the Keyboard as I hear the door close behind her, leaving me on my own at last.

For a while I just stand there shaking, my breaths coming in deep gasps.

My God! How am I going to live with that mad woman???

I feel the panic set in, imagining what Bambi had felt like after running from the hunters only to find out that his mother had been shot.

"Calm down, Tom - Tim!. Think of all that money you will be getting." I start to feel slightly better.

I can imagine Kelly Brians standing up and handing over my money.

Kelly!

At the thought of her, I feel a slight tingle. Looking down, I see my little friend starting to wake up. Now I decidedly feel better.

I wonder if she would give me her phone number?

I can picture her, her dark red hair with the sexy green bow, those red ruby lips, the way her dark green top hugged her chest.

Ooooh! Kelly!

My hand falls onto my endowed excitement, automatically moving up and down.

*********

"Oh, Tim!" groans Kelly, our naked bodies pressing tightly against each other. "I wanted you for so long. Ever since you first came into my office with that-that harlot."

"Don't fret, darling." I groan back, my lips pressing against hers. "She is gone now. She got run over by a runaway steamroller. She will never bother us again!"

"Oh, Tim. I remember how tragic it was for you." Kelly cries out as I grasp her breast. "The grief must have been be awful!"

"It has been tough but thanks to you, I had something to live for, my darling. I couldn't have made it through without you." I groan as I feel her touching me.

"But it has been so little, darling. All I have done is to be able to get all her money grabbing family safely behind bars."

"Thank you, darling." I tell her. "But you didn't have to give each of them 10 conseqecutive life sentences each. Including the cats!!!"

"But, baby. They may have hurt you. You know what she was like." She breathes.

I nod. "Yes, darling I do."

"Enough talk!" She cries out. "Let me make love to you like never...

**********

The fantasy splinters and disintegrates as the bathroom door flies open.

"What the hell are you doing? They'll be here with the limo to... Oooh baby! Guess you haven't departed this cruel world after all."

Nooooooo!!!!

"Come on." She says, twirling her finger. "Come on. Turn around, turn around. Let me get the full effect. Oh!"

I look down to where she is staring at and see that my little friend is retreating faster than a speeding bullet. I can see that she is not impressed.

"Limo's here, baby!" shouts a voice behind her...

 

[Maid of Marvels]

"Limo's here, baby!"

"Chester! It's Chester, Tim! Hurry and dress, will you?" I say perfunctorily with nary a second glance at his nether regions.

Hurrying out toward the door, I can't help but fling myself into the Disco King's arms, kissing him fully on the lips. "What a great surprise! You drive limos too??"

Chez swings me in a circle grinning. "Got your message on my machine. Glad you pulled this gig off, Baby. I know how much it meant to you." Setting me down gently, I notice he is looking past me at something.

"Hey, man!" Chester booms, showing his pearly whites. Before he strides over toward my husband, he leans down to whisper in my ear "How you gonna survive a month with that, sweetie? You know I'll stand in for him if you want me to."

 

[Tibxo]

Oh no! Why him???

Chester?? Here?? Great!!!

Quickly grabbing a towel, I try to retreat to my bedroom without getting caught.

No such luck.

"Hey, man!" I cringe as I hear his voice.

"Erm.. Hi, Chester." I reply, backing towards my room.

He then whispers something in Kate's ear which I can definitely hear: "How you gonna survive a month with that, sweetie? You know I'll stand in for him if you want me to."

Yeah! And I bet you would like to get some of that money too.

"Hmmm." She says, looking straight at me. "Weeelllllll, you could always snick in thru the bedroom window after we have gone to bed. I am sure that Tim wouldn't mind sleeping in the bath while you do his husbandry duties."

"I'm still here, you know." I tell them as I open my bedroom door.

"Then, maybe, I could get started right now." And I am just in time to see him kiss her as I enter my bedroom and close the door behind me.

I quickly get changed as I hear them outside.

Chester: "Oh come on, Kate. Just a quick kiss."

Sounds of kissing.

Kate: "N-no, Chez. This will not work."

More kissing.

Chester: "It was you who wanted to break up."

More kissing and a groan?

Kate: "But....oh God.."

More kissing and louder moans.

What is going on out there?

Finally changed, I storm out of my room with just in time to see them break apart.

Was his hand up her skirt?

"Ready." I snap and I usher them out of my home...