Blew it with a new Dom

[ouiouilezizi]

I am new to the forum and a D/s "virgin" although I've been seeking a Dom on and off for years and know exactly what I am looking for.

Well, lo and behold, the Dom of my dreams came knocking on my door 12 days ago on FetLife, fully equipped with similar kinks, a great personality, physical attractiveness, and into the same "traditional style" of BDSM. We chatted on Kik for a solid week and made plans to get lunch. During the week we exchanged nonstop back-and-forth texts, and a phone call, and he had me start writing reports at night to get used to some basic things he'd have me do as his sub, along with sharing my calendar with him. We had great conversations and chemistry.

One night he stopped responding though and from Friday afternoon to Sunday morning I didn't hear anything from him, which was REALLY out of character from what we had been doing (an albeit, unsustainable back-and-forth 24/7). Our date was Monday. I don't know if he was testing me, but I failed. I assumed he was ghosting, as I've had that happen once before recently and it REALLY wounded me. I reacted and sent him two totally disrespectful e-mails that were 100% out of line and made me look like a crazy bitch. On Sunday he wrote to say he was sick and out of town. I began to apologize profusely, but the minute he read my e-mails he texted me, "Read your messages. Take care."

I have apologized profusely and tried to ask for forgiveness via a letter/report, two e-mails, lots of unread Kik messages (though he hasn't blocked me) and a message on FetLife with no response. I feel so utterly disgusted with myself and could use advice. Should I continue to grovel at his feet (the sub in my head says "YES" grovel and beg for forgiveness), or back away and dust myself off with a hard lesson learned?

I have never done something so rash and stupid, and I just can't shake it that I did something like this with the ONE Dom that I felt a connection with. Talk about irony. Maybe I am feeding into some vapid fantasy from sheer desperation though.

Could totally use a pep talk/ tough love/ support. Either way, learned a hard lesson and know to give people the benefit of the doubt.

 

[RawHumor]

My condolences. It sucks to feel so strongly for someone that you lose your rational brain.

It further sucks to not know if you're being reasonable or totally irrational / bat shit crazy.

It's why, if I'm feeling the way you felt, I try to take a step back and not reply until the next day... though I realize in your case, a couple days went by.

My thoughts: being sick and out of town won't prevent him from texting. Something seems fishy there, to me.

Give him a bit of time. He knows you're sorry. If your connection was strong, then he felt it too. Even Dom guys have feelings and desires. If it's a good thing, we won't want to walk away from it.

Lastly, and I'm not saying this to be cruel - but desperation is seldom attractive to anyone. If you're in an established relationship, then groveling could be hot in a scene... but as part of an apology, it just looks desperate and sad.

Call me jaded, but I suspect there's more to his story than he's telling you.

 

[MeekMe]

You should probably stop contacting him. If you flipped out so quickly and he decided to stop having contact with you, begging him to see you again is just going to make things worse. You've known him for two weeks, let it go.

It sucks majorly that this happened, but maybe next time you'll not send angry messages when someone doesn't respond right away. It's the Internet, shit happens and people have lives.

On the other hand, he may have told you a bunch of lies and was really just doing family business and decided after reading your messages that you were too much of a liability. If you flipped out like this, what might you do if you found out he was cheating on his wife? <--- purely speculation (and a little bit of my assuming most people are horrible).

Either way, I don't know you or him, so I suggest you take a deep breath and consider this a lesson learned. On the plus side, you now have a nice clear vision of what you're looking for and what not to do in the future.

 

[midwestyankee]

<snip>
My thoughts: being sick and out of town won't prevent him from texting. Something seems fishy there, to me.

Give him a bit of time. He knows you're sorry. If your connection was strong, then he felt it too. Even Dom guys have feelings and desires. If it's a good thing, we won't want to walk away from it.

Lastly, and I'm not saying this to be cruel - but desperation is seldom attractive to anyone. If you're in an established relationship, then groveling could be hot in a scene... but as part of an apology, it just looks desperate and sad.

Call me jaded, but I suspect there's more to his story than he's telling you.

My thoughts, exactly. I've sent text messages from the emergency room with a broken shoulder. He chose to be out of touch.

 

[CutieMouse]

Or.... maybe he disappeared Friday afternoon - Sunday because he's married/otherwise partnered, and it was really difficult to maintain communication while spending the weekend with his wife/partner. (Happens a lot with online "ZOMG he's/she's perfect!" - especially when it happens quickly.)

Because if y'all had been in even semi-constant communication... wouldn't it make sense that he'd have sent a quickie "Hey, laid up with a stomach bug; I'll catch you in a few days"? Wouldn't it make sense that if he was out of town, he'd have given you a heads up that he was going out of town?

Think about this... his reasons for dropping off the face of the earth on a weekend (prime family time) don't line up with someone who's interested, consistently communicating, etc.

I would not be giving dude the benefit of the doubt. I'd be asking why he fell off the planet on a weekend. Or why I was expected to exert XYZ amount of energy (for someone I'd yet to meet face to face), when he couldn't be bothered to let me know he was sick/out of town/whatever for a few days. Because if I *was* interested in someone, especially in developing a relationship in which the goal was D/s, I would not tolerate dude flaking on me and not even taking 2 minutes to give me a heads up.

Dude is not the only domly-type you'll ever feel a connection to. Promise.

 

[ouiouilezizi]

Thank You

Gahh, you are all amazing. Really. Thank you for the advice/tough love.

Yes, I acted irrational with my e-mails (never going to do that again... lesson learned that how people act is their karma, but my reaction is my own). Part of my intuition sensed something fishy was up though, hence the reaction. Plenty of people have taken longer to get back to me and I don't sweat it, so I maybe picked up on something. Even my best friend said "I don't buy his excuse. He was either testing you, planning to stand you up on your date, or has a wife he's not telling you about. Maybe he is into leading new subs on/ the chase."

This Dom also believed that ignoring subs is a good punishment (which I 100% disagree with) so all was not perfect and compatible. Plus, I never met him in real life so I just need to relax and learn how to keep those emotions/hormones in check and get to know someone slowly in person before opening up like I did. Being over zealous isn't cute nor safe in this case.

Thank you for reminding me that there are other Doms out there... it's easy to get desperate and lonely in unclaimed sub land (even though I've been in an open vanilla relationship with the love of my life for 7 years).

 

[RawHumor]

Cutting off communication is never a good thing, IMO.

(unless you're cutting off outside communication so that you can focus on the relationship in front of you)

 

[Endless_Night]

Call me jaded, but I suspect there's more to his story than he's telling you.

My thoughts, exactly. I've sent text messages from the emergency room with a broken shoulder. He chose to be out of touch.

I would not be giving dude the benefit of the doubt. I'd be asking why he fell off the planet on a weekend.

I'd toss in my two cents, but others have summed up my thoughts^ perfectly.

Seriously, don't beat yourself up over this incident. Your behavior might not have been up to the standard you would prefer, but this situation seems less than ideal.

As CutieMouse says, there are other Doms.

 

[Endless_Night]

Cutting off communication is never a good thing, IMO.

(unless you're cutting off outside communication so that you can focus on the relationship in front of you)

Yep. This^ would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

Nope. Just, nope.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

Things that are so easily broken are usually too much maintence to sustain, so maybe rushing to the inevitable end was just right. That said, I am sorry it hurts and I do wish you warm comfort to heal within. My best wishes as you work to begin again.

 

[CutieMouse]

Another thing to consider... do you REALLY want to get involved with men who believe it's okay to "test" someone they've never even met for coffee? Games, much?

 

[subwannabe]

Hey, this is the internet. You would be a fool to just believe his very lame excuse. Don't contact him anymore. Even though you acted badly it would have never happened if he hadn't been a lying married cheating dickhead first. The fault is his, not yours. Sick and out of town? My ass!

 

[SpunThings]

Also, do you want to be with someone who is unwilling to forgive such a simple thing as flying off the cuff under duress, and apologizing sincerely afterward? Sure it's not ideal, but we're all human.

 

[pensivepoet]

Yep, done that been there.
It's not the end of the world. It was just a human reaction and we all make mistakes.
Don't kick yourself.
And, i think the dom was a player. Liked the game but for whatever reason, could only take it so far, and when it got dangerously close to real, he flaked.
If you hadn't fucked up, he'd a flaked anyway. Already had, even.
But you gave him an excuse to blame it on you.
You lost nothing, and learned much. Let it go and move on.
Just my two cents

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Dropping communication or disappearing is a hard limit for me. That is far too painful for me.

I'm also suspicious of his not being able to send you a text or message that says he'll be unavailable for a few days. That's only reasonable.

You definitely reacted irrationally and it sounds like you're reflecting and learning from that. When you give up some of your control to another, it is horrible when they disappear. I would encourage you to consider that you only knew him for two weeks. That's not long at all. Perhaps a longer get to know you period next time? A BDSM at its core is a relationship like any other, you know, just with some awesome kink.

Welcome to Lit.

 

[Scentofawoman]

Just because you're submissive in the bedroom does not mean you have to be submissive in real life. EVER Unless you have a protocol contract for 24/7.

All real life Dom and Domme know this.

Find someone to explain that and you will cut out a lot of nonsense people out there.

 

[ouiouilezizi]

I would quote and respond to each of you, but don't know how to do it for multiple quotes #newbie but thank you all for responding and helping me see that:

a) I need to slow down with new Doms and avoid the whole "sub gravity" thing (it's real and it hits me hard)
b) I need to not overreact and take a step back if something like this should occur again with anyone in general
c) dude was nonetheless shady AF for disappearing (the ER comment is spot on-- he chose to not be in touch) and my intuition was right on. Plus, him not responding at all to any of my apologies was just off too.
d) There are plenty of other hot Doms out there, so I need to just be patient.
e) I am not going to submit to anyone or hand over control of my life before having a contract ever again.

And yeah, being desperate isn't cute. Agreed! Glad I found this forum. Lots of nice, level-headed people and great advice.

 

[CutieMouse]

e) I am not going to submit to anyone or hand over control of my life before having a contract ever again.

And yeah, being desperate isn't cute. Agreed! Glad I found this forum. Lots of nice, level-headed people and great advice.

Just something to consider, as you sort out where you feel comfortable in this whole kinkywhateveritis...

"Contracts" won't keep you safe. They aren't enforceable. There isn't anything that requires someone who says "I want you as my submissive. Lets write a contract." to actually do what the contract says.

In fact, lots and lots of people have relationships involving power dynamics, without ever going near the concept of a "contract".

Date. Meet people. Find someone who you have stuff in common with. Ask lots of questions. Move at your own pace. Go to munches (if you feel like it). Find play partners in the local scene (if you feel like it). Read books like The New Bottoming Book.

And remember that relationships are relationships are relationships - and don't let anyone tell you differently.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Regarding item "e," the contract:

I've never had a contract. There are so many approaches to BDSM, and to me this is just the flavor of my relationship. I wouldn't have a written contract in a vanilla relationship, and I won't have one with a dominant. I have been asked to complete a BDSM checklist, that's the closest, but it was not an agreement; rather, it was a conversation piece.

Similarly, the concept of "being released" and "asking to be released" is so foreign to me. If one wants to end a relationship, end the relationship. Submitting doesn't mean ceasing to be a person. I'm not judging, but I have primarily seen these phrases pop up in posts by new subs with their brand new doms, at least as far as I can recall.

 

[thelaughingcat]

Gawd, everyone just said everything.

My initial instinct was that he was with a partner so couldn't contact you - definitely an instinct shared by everyone else here, reading the responses.

Secondly, and I cannot say this enough; you have every right at any given point to fly off the handle. That is every person's prerogative and as long as you apologise afterwards, like you would with any person you knew, then there's no harm, no foul. Any so called Dom that uses a tantrum as an excuse to keep you feeling guilty and subservient constantly is just not worth it. Doesn't mean he can't tan your hide for it, but then that's just gravy . Otherwise, PMT is going to be a bitch and you will end up miserable every single freaking month. At least I would. I don't know how mine puts up with me... Remember to go for the emotionally mature ones with deep wells of patience!

Point the third: I've never had a contract, though every Dommly male I've known have had standards they like me to reach, but nothing as formal as a contract. I therefore can't comment on whether a contract would be a good or a bad thing. It does give a set of minimum standards, I guess but then that takes the give and take of a relationship out of it and D/s relatinships rquire even more give and take than most in my experience.

Finally (sorry!), I would be wary of 'knowing exactly what Dom you want'. If that is truly the case then fantastic, amazing, you may be the only sub I have ever met who knows exactly what they are compatible with before they actually experience a D/s relationship. Stay open to other possibilities; there will be things that you think you crave that end up leaving you feeling empty when you actually have them, and approaches that you think you will hate that end up leaving you feel more fulfilled than you thought possible. I'm not talking about kinks here, I'm talking about the different flavours of Dom out there. There's more approaches than you might think, especially given how unique we all are!

Finally finally (Haha! Got you!): have fun! It's not all super-serious on the kinky side of the tracks While I love what experience I have (because hey, I got to enjoy gaining it for the most part!), another part of me is super jealous that you are right at the beginning of the journey Stay SSC and enjoy exploring!

 

[Cumference]

Or.... maybe he disappeared Friday afternoon - Sunday because he's married/otherwise partnered, and it was really difficult to maintain communication while spending the weekend with his wife/partner........

I had that thought too.

On the internet, no-one knows you are a dog, and maybe his master sent him back in the dog house?


No matter what, suddently cutting all communication is bad style IMHO.

 

[rushed2536]

I would look at the situation from a sub perspective. He told you to take care, so do not contact him. If you continue to grovel and beg his forgiveness you are not listening to what he told you. You should comply with his wishes, just my two cents.

 

[CutieMouse]

I would look at the situation from a sub perspective. He told you to take care, so do not contact him. If you continue to grovel and beg his forgiveness you are not listening to what he told you. You should comply with his wishes, just my two cents.

Or, why follow "orders" from a stranger, to win the OP has zero obligation? Why does he get to have the power (stopping contact because he said to)? Why not end contact because SHE recognizes it's not something she wants to invest in (thus, choosing who she submits to)?

 

[BabblingBrooke]

I would look at the situation from a sub perspective. He told you to take care, so do not contact him. If you continue to grovel and beg his forgiveness you are not listening to what he told you. You should comply with his wishes, just my two cents.

Being a submissive =/= being a doormat. I agree she should move on, but for herself, because this is already unhealthy after two weeks, NOT because she should do anything he says because He = Dom and she = sub.

 

[CharlieBrown24]

I am new to the forum and a D/s "virgin" although I've been seeking a Dom on and off for years and know exactly what I am looking for.

Well, lo and behold, the Dom of my dreams came knocking on my door 12 days ago on FetLife, fully equipped with similar kinks, a great personality, physical attractiveness, and into the same "traditional style" of BDSM. We chatted on Kik for a solid week and made plans to get lunch. During the week we exchanged nonstop back-and-forth texts, and a phone call, and he had me start writing reports at night to get used to some basic things he'd have me do as his sub, along with sharing my calendar with him. We had great conversations and chemistry.

One night he stopped responding though and from Friday afternoon to Sunday morning I didn't hear anything from him, which was REALLY out of character from what we had been doing (an albeit, unsustainable back-and-forth 24/7). Our date was Monday. I don't know if he was testing me, but I failed. I assumed he was ghosting, as I've had that happen once before recently and it REALLY wounded me. I reacted and sent him two totally disrespectful e-mails that were 100% out of line and made me look like a crazy bitch. On Sunday he wrote to say he was sick and out of town. I began to apologize profusely, but the minute he read my e-mails he texted me, "Read your messages. Take care."

I have apologized profusely and tried to ask for forgiveness via a letter/report, two e-mails, lots of unread Kik messages (though he hasn't blocked me) and a message on FetLife with no response. I feel so utterly disgusted with myself and could use advice. Should I continue to grovel at his feet (the sub in my head says "YES" grovel and beg for forgiveness), or back away and dust myself off with a hard lesson learned?

I have never done something so rash and stupid, and I just can't shake it that I did something like this with the ONE Dom that I felt a connection with. Talk about irony. Maybe I am feeding into some vapid fantasy from sheer desperation though.

Could totally use a pep talk/ tough love/ support. Either way, learned a hard lesson and know to give people the benefit of the doubt.

So, the first time Linus went to hump his blanket, he ended up accidently getting it caught in a tree.

Don't even ask, ma'am.



The point is that you got to turn that frown upside down! It's kind of like learning how to ride a bike. You rarely get on the first time and just ride off into the sunset.

Does not mean you were not meant to ride.

Snoopy needs his dinner.