Bitch in Heat

[Eve LeRieux]

I would appreciate any comments on my first story to Literotica, Bitch in Heat. It is in the new section at the moment, but is an erotic horror story.
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=220104

Thank you!

Eve LeRieux

 

[Angelique Bouchette]

I Liked it!

Hey Eve!

Just read 'Bitch in Heat' and really enjoyed it! There's not a lot wrong with your writing style, that practice won't improve. Get more ambitious and write something a little longer next time!

Love,
Angelique

 

[Eve LeRieux]

Thanks Angelique!

I am testing the water for a Bitch in Heat Returns and the response so far has been great! I will keep practising and writing and hopefully it will just keep getting better!

Love,
Eve

 

[Boratus]

Pretty good. I still have to question why anyone that's just been attack by a creature has to stop to have sex, but enough horrors movies have it that I guess it's allowed. A couple things:

You had Tina "plummeting" the woman and I think you meant "pummeling".

Your paragraphs are all only 1 or 2 sentences long. I'm not sure why you've done this since the ideas could easily be grouped into larger chunks.

 

[Eve LeRieux]

Thank you Boratus!

I am sure I mean't pummeling! Thanks for catching that!

I did think of sex being a bit much in the circumstances and I know that men can not truly be 'raped' as they must be turned on and of course if they are in danger, that can be a problem. That was a dilemma I dealt with as best as I could. Any suggestions on that would be appreciated.

I tried to make it as 'eye friendly' as possible for the board. Thus the smaller paragraphs. I had submitted another story straight from my Word file and it was rejected. I had to redo it all and resubmit. So when I submitted Bitch in Heat I went over it on the submit screen and maybe I went overboard on making sure the paragraphs were small.

Thank You for your Help,

Eve

 

[Boratus]

To get around that you could have first had her sucking him off when he woke so that he could only see the top of her head. He would see she was a woman and obviously react to it sexually. In his daze he could even think it's Tina. Then let her raise her head to show her face and the top of her body.

Afterwards breaking away from her, you could make it seem like he successfully chased her off, not that she just disappeared. That would make it a little more believable that relaxed enough. Or you could even have them make it back to the car. Seeing it and the road would be a great relaxant for both them and the reader, making her reappearance more unexpected.

And you can definitely increase your paragraph size. Just think of them in terms of scenes. Each new scene, character dialogue and break in time are some good paragraph markers.

Just my suggestions, others may see it differently

B