birthday sex rant

[Blue_Duck]

So it is my wife's birthday. We have sex on a weekly...sometimes bi-weekly basis, typically on the weekends. Her birthday is this weekend, so of course I would like to do something special for her. We did the presents and party, but I'll be damned if I know what turns her on sexually. She never initiates sex and I can't get her to talk dirty. I have no idea what she fantasizes about, so it makes it a little difficult to get her turned on. It frustrates me to do things that I know turn me on because I don't know if she enjoys it or not. That being said, she does cum when we have sex (I assume she does....could be giving me the old fake out). I guess I just hate stubmling around in the dark when it comes to sex....expecially after being married to the same person for 15 years. You would think I should know what she wants/likes. I can assure you guys this....between my wife an I, one of us will cum tonight I just wish she would tell me what she likes. Why does this have to be so difficult????

 

[bootlover65]

It has to be so difficult because you are a man and she is a woman LOL good luck

 

[Blue_Duck]

It has to be so difficult because you are a man and she is a woman LOL good luck

I guess you are correct. I'm very vocal with her about what turns me on. I wish she was willing to do the same thing. I think I have somewhat of an idea of what it feels like to be blind...at least when it comes to understanding what a woman wants sexually.

 

[SgtSpiderMan]

So it is my wife's birthday. We have sex on a weekly...sometimes bi-weekly basis, typically on the weekends. Her birthday is this weekend, so of course I would like to do something special for her. We did the presents and party, but I'll be damned if I know what turns her on sexually. She never initiates sex and I can't get her to talk dirty. I have no idea what she fantasizes about, so it makes it a little difficult to get her turned on. It frustrates me to do things that I know turn me on because I don't know if she enjoys it or not. That being said, she does cum when we have sex (I assume she does....could be giving me the old fake out). I guess I just hate stubmling around in the dark when it comes to sex....expecially after being married to the same person for 15 years. You would think I should know what she wants/likes. I can assure you guys this....between my wife an I, one of us will cum tonight I just wish she would tell me what she likes. Why does this have to be so difficult????

Have you just come out and asked her?

 

[Blue_Duck]

Have you just come out and asked her?

Sadly I have have asked her that question and she just shrugged her shoulders. We were actually mid-stride in fore play when I asked her the question. Her answer was such a turn off that I lost all interest in making love to her. I think that was the only time I have ever pulled out of a woman and brought myself off (I told her I was finished and went to bed). Sadly, I will probably have to get myself off this evening as well. As long as she goes to. As long as she goes to bed happy, that is what is important I suppose.

 

[englishgent73]

Sadly I have have asked her that question and she just shrugged her shoulders. We were actually mid-stride in fore play when I asked her the question. Her answer was such a turn off that I lost all interest in making love to her. I think that was the only time I have ever pulled out of a woman and brought myself off (I told her I was finished and went to bed). Sadly, I will probably have to get myself off this evening as well. As long as she goes to. As long as she goes to bed happy, that is what is important I suppose.

I'd understand if you didn't reply, but - what did she say to put you off your stride that much?

 

[Blue_Duck]

I'd understand if you didn't reply, but - what did she say to put you off your stride that much?

She said absolutely nothing. Just shrugged her shoulders. I was trying to illicit some dirty talk from her....specifically what she fantasized about. She is either unwilling to share those thoughts or she has none. Either way, it was and still is a huge turn off.

 

[Scrubber]

What do you actually do to initiate sex and then by way of foreplay?

 

[peebudy]

I feel for you man. My wife is the same way.

I have no idea if she truly enjoys our sexual activities or if she just tolerates them!

I think that some women were just brought up that sex was "dirty" and only "sluts" enjoy sex. This creates a barrier that's hard to break through when trying to get the to talk dirty or express themselves about what turns them on.

Good luck trying to fugure her out. I'm going on 23 years of marriage and still fumbling around in the dark!

 

[Aurelia_Malys]

You and she need to have a talk (and I dont mean about her sexual interests). It sounds to me like you are getting resentful that she doesnt share her fantasies and such. That is a huge problem. And if you are getting that turned off or frustrated or disheartened, things are only going to get worse. I think you need to tell her how frustrated you are that you want to make things more arousing or interesting for her but whenever you try to connect with her in that way you feel like you are closed out. If she is shy, or insecure, or doesnt know what arouses her, that is something you can help her with, but there seems to be a bigger problem to face first.

 

[Blue_Duck]

What do you actually do to initiate sex and then by way of foreplay?

Scrubber, I have tried back massages, taking on more chores around the house, and just simple touching. She is ways receptive and will have sex when I want to play. I find it frustrating that she never acts if she wants to do those things on her own to get things started. Which leads me to the fantasy part.....as you can see, I have no idea what she fantasizes about. I can and do get her to cum, but it is always while we are talking about my fantasies. As much as I like cumming inside of her, I enjoy watching her cum and would prefer to cum more often. But as I said, trying to figure out her "on" switch (to me anyway) has beenlike trying to program a car stereo blindfolded and without the speakers working. Still, at the end of the day we still enjoy each others body on occasion, just not with the passion that I would like. I guess not all is bad....

 

[Blue_Duck]

You and she need to have a talk (and I dont mean about her sexual interests). It sounds to me like you are getting resentful that she doesnt share her fantasies and such. That is a huge problem. And if you are getting that turned off or frustrated or disheartened, things are only going to get worse. I think you need to tell her how frustrated you are that you want to make things more arousing or interesting for her but whenever you try to connect with her in that way you feel like you are closed out. If she is shy, or insecure, or doesnt know what arouses her, that is something you can help her with, but there seems to be a bigger problem to face first.

Aurelia, you are spot on. I am reluctant to have that conversation.....not sure why. Without a doubt I get more and more frustrated and maybe even resentful. Thanks for your insight.

 

[Eilan]

We were actually mid-stride in fore play when I asked her the question.

Yeah, bad idea. Try talking about sex outside of the bedroom, if you haven't done so already and you can get her to do so.

A lot of women are uncomfortable with sharing fantasies for a variety of reasons. First of all, fantasies are private. Women may feel guilty about even having fantasies in the first place (for a variety of reasons), or they may be afraid of being judged by their partners (if, for example, the fantasies involve other people). Sometimes women will share their fantasies only to be pressured by their partners into making their fantasies into reality.

I don't think that partners are obligated to share their fantasies with each other. Any resentment you feel because she won't share her fantasies is your issue to deal with, not hers. Perhaps your wife also feels resentment because she's being badgered to share info that she doesn't want to share.

Good luck.

 

[NippleMuncher]

Yeah, bad idea. Try talking about sex outside of the bedroom, if you haven't done so already and you can get her to do so.

I second this advice, the bedroom is not the place for such things. You don't want any "performance" pressure that will hinder her interaction in the conversation.

I don't think that partners are obligated to share their fantasies with each other. Any resentment you feel because she won't share her fantasies is your issue to deal with, not hers. Perhaps your wife also feels resentment because she's being badgered to share info that she doesn't want to share.

I agree with this as well, your partner does not need to share her fantasies with you, so quit pressuring her to do so. What she does need to be doing is start participating in the relationship, that includes talking about ways to improve the sex life for both of you.

Make sure she knows that you do not have ulterior motives with these discussions, that you're only goal is to enhance the pleasure and gratification for BOTH of you, to make your relationship, deeper and stronger. She needs to know that her inability to participate in a healthy discussion is a big problem.

There are few problems that can't be cured with open and honest communication between partners. When this communication breaks down is when problems become insurmountable.

Now, a little bit for you. After 15 years of marriage, you should be able to read her tells pretty well in the bedroom. You probably know exactly what she likes, or close enough for her needs, so she's happy with things as they are. She's probably equally unsure of what she needs for satisfaction, and is too embarrassed to ask or explore new territories. After having a few intimate conversations with her, I suggest you take her by the hand to a bookstore and peruse the adult section for some "how-to" books. There are quite a few out there geared to the loving couple who want to improve and/or experiment more together.

 

[Blue_Duck]

I second this advice, the bedroom is not the place for such things. You don't want any "performance" pressure that will hinder her interaction in the conversation.



I agree with this as well, your partner does not need to share her fantasies with you, so quit pressuring her to do so. What she does need to be doing is start participating in the relationship, that includes talking about ways to improve the sex life for both of you.

Make sure she knows that you do not have ulterior motives with these discussions, that you're only goal is to enhance the pleasure and gratification for BOTH of you, to make your relationship, deeper and stronger. She needs to know that her inability to participate in a healthy discussion is a big problem.

There are few problems that can't be cured with open and honest communication between partners. When this communication breaks down is when problems become insurmountable.

Now, a little bit for you. After 15 years of marriage, you should be able to read her tells pretty well in the bedroom. You probably know exactly what she likes, or close enough for her needs, so she's happy with things as they are. She's probably equally unsure of what she needs for satisfaction, and is too embarrassed to ask or explore new territories. After having a few intimate conversations with her, I suggest you take her by the hand to a bookstore and peruse the adult section for some "how-to" books. There are quite a few out there geared to the loving couple who want to improve and/or experiment more together.

Good points from you and the above poster. Let me run this by you guys. I will attempt to engage her on our sex life at some point when we are outside the bedroom. In the interim, do you think it is a turn off to a woman if a man takes complete control during sex? The woman's pleasure is still a focus, but not the sole purpose behind the sex. I guess what I'm asking is if my wife will not share her fantasies or if she does not have any, what is wrong with just using my imgaination and creativity to guide our love making? Your thoughts are appreciated.

 

[NippleMuncher]

Even without her input, you should have a pretty good idea of what she'd be up for just from the reactions to the things you've tried over the years. As long as your new tricks don't push the envelop too hard and remain respectful of her limitations, you'll probably be fine.

Whatever you try this weekend would be the perfect ice breaker to start a conversation outside the bedroom later in the week, though ideally the talk should happen before new things are tried.

 

[Ellafun]

I agree with the advice that you have gotten, especially from Nipplemuncher and Eilan. but I would like to add my two cents!

One of the things that helped me to start a conversation with my husband was to share some of the pictures here on Literotica, specifically on the "Erotic Couples Images" thread, and often on the "Control" thread. (Now if your wife doesn't know you're on this site, you could always search for some images on your own, I suppose, but I have always tried to be open and honest in communicating with my spouse -- that works best.) I would show certain pics to him with a comment like, "wow, I'd really like to try that," or something along those lines. I was surprised to find out that he had been thinking a lot of the same things all along, but didn't know how to approach the subject. (we've been married 24 years, btw.)

I'm sure you will hear it over and over again, but keep trying to communicate with her. You'll never know until you try.

 

[Kim_Burly]

Good points from you and the above poster. Let me run this by you guys. I will attempt to engage her on our sex life at some point when we are outside the bedroom. In the interim, do you think it is a turn off to a woman if a man takes complete control during sex? The woman's pleasure is still a focus, but not the sole purpose behind the sex. I guess what I'm asking is if my wife will not share her fantasies or if she does not have any, what is wrong with just using my imgaination and creativity to guide our love making? Your thoughts are appreciated.

OK, here's some advice from someone who should not be giving it, so proceed with caution: My marriage ending was 99.5% my fault, but I wished my husband had taken control in the bedroom, and when he didn't, I became resentful. I was mad that he never gave me oral sex, and in turn I never gave it to him. Now, if he had forcefully demanded it, from me, I would have gladly provided it. He has a very large penis and great stamina, but I could never reach an orgasm through intercourse because I wasn't fully stimulated. But I could come with my ex-Dom who had a much smaller penis and less stamina, because I was so aroused by him and our activities. So even though my ex-Dom did go down on me, I didn't want or need him to, but he insisted.

Now, forget the above paragraph and find out if there is some other issue gnawing at her. With women, other anxieties, debt, stress at work, the kids or some thing unrelated to sex seeps into lovemaking. I wouldn't keep pushing her to talk dirty or reveal her fantasies. It's possible she doesn't have any fantasies, but more likely she is reluctant to share them because she is embarassed/ashamed. The guilt in women can run deep, even if it is very misguided. Just keep doing what you are doing, see what really gets her to respond. Let her know how much you love her and occasionally remind her that you just want her to be sexually fulfilled. There is nothing wrong with doing what you want to do. You can try taking charge, but tread lightly. Give her a demand that is easy to comply with and fun for her and see how she reponds. Good luck.

 

[Blue_Duck]

OK, here's some advice from someone who should not be giving it, so proceed with caution: My marriage ending was 99.5% my fault, but I wished my husband had taken control in the bedroom, and when he didn't, I became resentful. I was mad that he never gave me oral sex, and in turn I never gave it to him. Now, if he had forcefully demanded it, from me, I would have gladly provided it. He has a very large penis and great stamina, but I could never reach an orgasm through intercourse because I wasn't fully stimulated. But I could come with my ex-Dom who had a much smaller penis and less stamina, because I was so aroused by him and our activities. So even though my ex-Dom did go down on me, I didn't want or need him to, but he insisted.

Now, forget the above paragraph and find out if there is some other issue gnawing at her. With women, other anxieties, debt, stress at work, the kids or some thing unrelated to sex seeps into lovemaking. I wouldn't keep pushing her to talk dirty or reveal her fantasies. It's possible she doesn't have any fantasies, but more likely she is reluctant to share them because she is embarassed/ashamed. The guilt in women can run deep, even if it is very misguided. Just keep doing what you are doing, see what really gets her to respond. Let her know how much you love her and occasionally remind her that you just want her to be sexually fulfilled. There is nothing wrong with doing what you want to do. You can try taking charge, but tread lightly. Give her a demand that is easy to comply with and fun for her and see how she reponds. Good luck.

Thank you four your insight. It is greatly appreciated!

 

[satindesire]

I think right now you're seriously flummoxed about a situation that you can't fully appreciate and/or understand. That's simply because you have a penis, are Cis-gendered and identify as male, and have never had to deal with the completely out-of-control crazy bullshit that women have to experience dealing with sex and sexuality in this Western Culture.

Let me try and break it down for you, as a female who has dealt with this crap all her life.

First and foremost, the message that women get on a daily, CONSTANT basis is this:



No matter what women do in terms of sex and sexuality, it's wrong.

If we're modest dressers, shy and inexperienced, quiet, too afraid to share our sexuality, or virgins, we're wrong. Because men feel entitled to our sexuality, and we're "Prudes" for that.

If we're flamboyently sexual, promiscuous and openly enjoy sex, then we're "giving it away too easy" and lose worth as human beings, because men feel entitled to our sex but if we do give it up, we're "Sluts" for that.

If we try and strike any sort of balance between the two "extremes", we're never going to please everyone. One partner can be too much, and none is not enough. We're constantly pressured to be sexual BUT NOT TOO SEXUAL, to be modest but still like sex but only PRIVATELY to certain select people! And we can't ever seem to find the fine line between liking sex and liking sex so much that it freaks people out.

This is why so many women cannot talk openly about their sexuality. From a young age, we're told that "only sluts like sex" or that sex is sinful, shameful, dirty and wrong, and that our bodies and desires are wicked, evil and impure, disgusting and ANY sort of sexual thoughts or behavior without the sanctity of heterosexual monogamous marriage will lead us straight into hell. This doesn't just come from Christianity, this comes from EVERYONE...slut-shaming is amazingly prevalent, it comes from men and women alike...all because the idea is that the number of sexual partners a woman has in some way negatively affects her worth as a human being.

At the same time, we're constantly bombarded with the media showing us fit, beautiful, scantily clad women enjoying fame, success, wealth and status by being sexually available, enjoying and wanting and HAVING sex, and that the only way we'll ever "find the right man" is if we are sexual enough. We have to be open to sex! We have to like sex and be sexually receptive, we have to be "kinky" and "wild" and sexually responsive, and we must absolutely be orgasmic (Multiple G-spot orgasms, only though, God Forbid any women be inorgasmic, single-orgasm or need clitoral stimulation. The magic penis is the only "right" way to get off!)

That is the constant nonsense women deal with. We can never be sexual enough and at the same time, we can never be too sexual. The Madonna/Whore complex that the media and masculine culture defines womanhood into, this tiny box of bullshit messages that completely bewilder countless women away from being healthily sexual is a serious, major flaw that we have to deal with Now.

The only way you're ever going to crack her shell is by starting to see the shit she deals with as a woman in today's crazy mixed-up culture. Encouraging her sexuality in healthy ways. Not pressuring her, just gently encouraging her. Supporting her sexuality, nurturing it unselfishly. And eventually...MAYBE...she'll bloom.

But don't count on it. Because she's had some-odd years of being told that no matter what she does sexually, she's never okay.

And sometimes, no matter what one loving husband does for his wife, it's not enough.

 

[Noor]

Be quieter, listen and watch. Most women's bodies give hints if they are excited. Flush of checks, skin, breathing changes, catch in their voice. Nipples harden, crotch area swells. Stuff like that.

 

[Scrubber]

Scrubber, I have tried back massages, taking on more chores around the house, and just simple touching. She is ways receptive and will have sex when I want to play. I find it frustrating that she never acts if she wants to do those things on her own to get things started. Which leads me to the fantasy part.....as you can see, I have no idea what she fantasizes about. I can and do get her to cum, but it is always while we are talking about my fantasies. As much as I like cumming inside of her, I enjoy watching her cum and would prefer to cum more often. But as I said, trying to figure out her "on" switch (to me anyway) has beenlike trying to program a car stereo blindfolded and without the speakers working. Still, at the end of the day we still enjoy each others body on occasion, just not with the passion that I would like. I guess not all is bad....

If I were you I would try ditching all fantasy talk for a while and making it all about you and her. It seems like you are an observant and responsive type of guy - is there any chance of going away for a weekend to see how she responds away from all the usual domestic environment?

 

[N2outdoors]

Been there

So it is my wife's birthday. We have sex on a weekly...sometimes bi-weekly basis, typically on the weekends. Her birthday is this weekend, so of course I would like to do something special for her. We did the presents and party, but I'll be damned if I know what turns her on sexually. She never initiates sex and I can't get her to talk dirty. I have no idea what she fantasizes about, so it makes it a little difficult to get her turned on. It frustrates me to do things that I know turn me on because I don't know if she enjoys it or not. That being said, she does cum when we have sex (I assume she does....could be giving me the old fake out). I guess I just hate stubmling around in the dark when it comes to sex....expecially after being married to the same person for 15 years. You would think I should know what she wants/likes. I can assure you guys this....between my wife an I, one of us will cum tonight I just wish she would tell me what she likes. Why does this have to be so difficult????

I feel for you, as I was married to a woman for almost twenty years who did the same thing. She said that she didn't think about sex or have sexual fantasies, NONE! All of attempts to get her to confess we're pretty much futile. She never initiated sex and was deathley quiet during sex. However, she still had an affair with her boss. I figured it out and suddenly developed a desire to see her experience some form of sex that she would enjoy. I could not begin to imagine her wanting to have sex with another man, because she never showed any sense of enjoyment from sex. I was very fit and attractive. I had no problem satisfying and being desired by other women. I chose to indulge myself with other women and get them to tell me the fantasies. I would then do my best to help them experience what they wanted. I had multiple affairs over the years, something I am not proud of. I share this mostly for the women readers on here. I deplore you to find a way to expire sexuality with your husband. Seek counseling if you must, but don't just ignore his was to satisfy you. All unwanted was to satisfy her, but how is that possible with I communication from her? She had at least one more affair and decided to. Real ip our family and marry the guy. I accept a lot of responsibility for our divorce, but so should she.

 

[Blue_Duck]

Thanks for all of your feedback. We had sex, I did not force anything, just focused equally on our pleasure and did not stress if she was "into" the whole thing or not. I came twice and she seemed to enjoy herself thoroughly. Again, thanks for your thoughts.

 

[marytribbings]

I think right now you're seriously flummoxed about a situation that you can't fully appreciate and/or understand. That's simply because you have a penis, are Cis-gendered and identify as male, and have never had to deal with the completely out-of-control crazy bullshit that women have to experience dealing with sex and sexuality in this Western Culture.

Let me try and break it down for you, as a female who has dealt with this crap all her life.

First and foremost, the message that women get on a daily, CONSTANT basis is this:



No matter what women do in terms of sex and sexuality, it's wrong.

If we're modest dressers, shy and inexperienced, quiet, too afraid to share our sexuality, or virgins, we're wrong. Because men feel entitled to our sexuality, and we're "Prudes" for that.

If we're flamboyently sexual, promiscuous and openly enjoy sex, then we're "giving it away too easy" and lose worth as human beings, because men feel entitled to our sex but if we do give it up, we're "Sluts" for that.

If we try and strike any sort of balance between the two "extremes", we're never going to please everyone. One partner can be too much, and none is not enough. We're constantly pressured to be sexual BUT NOT TOO SEXUAL, to be modest but still like sex but only PRIVATELY to certain select people! And we can't ever seem to find the fine line between liking sex and liking sex so much that it freaks people out.

This is why so many women cannot talk openly about their sexuality. From a young age, we're told that "only sluts like sex" or that sex is sinful, shameful, dirty and wrong, and that our bodies and desires are wicked, evil and impure, disgusting and ANY sort of sexual thoughts or behavior without the sanctity of heterosexual monogamous marriage will lead us straight into hell. This doesn't just come from Christianity, this comes from EVERYONE...slut-shaming is amazingly prevalent, it comes from men and women alike...all because the idea is that the number of sexual partners a woman has in some way negatively affects her worth as a human being.

At the same time, we're constantly bombarded with the media showing us fit, beautiful, scantily clad women enjoying fame, success, wealth and status by being sexually available, enjoying and wanting and HAVING sex, and that the only way we'll ever "find the right man" is if we are sexual enough. We have to be open to sex! We have to like sex and be sexually receptive, we have to be "kinky" and "wild" and sexually responsive, and we must absolutely be orgasmic (Multiple G-spot orgasms, only though, God Forbid any women be inorgasmic, single-orgasm or need clitoral stimulation. The magic penis is the only "right" way to get off!)

That is the constant nonsense women deal with. We can never be sexual enough and at the same time, we can never be too sexual. The Madonna/Whore complex that the media and masculine culture defines womanhood into, this tiny box of bullshit messages that completely bewilder countless women away from being healthily sexual is a serious, major flaw that we have to deal with Now.

The only way you're ever going to crack her shell is by starting to see the shit she deals with as a woman in today's crazy mixed-up culture. Encouraging her sexuality in healthy ways. Not pressuring her, just gently encouraging her. Supporting her sexuality, nurturing it unselfishly. And eventually...MAYBE...she'll bloom.

But don't count on it. Because she's had some-odd years of being told that no matter what she does sexually, she's never okay.

And sometimes, no matter what one loving husband does for his wife, it's not enough.

I loved reading this thoughtful and well written answer and couldnt agree more. Until society or our culture changes we are stuck in this damned if you do and damned if you dont trap.