bipolar

[Betticus]

I don't know anymore. Its like there are a hundred different people claiming to be me who are trying to take control. I am too controlling to take the meds so I have been feeling all the pain, hearing the voices and dreaming the dreams. If it weren't for me being a saidomasochist I would have suicided a long time ago. Part of me wants to hurt more and part of me wants to watch. I breathe labored breaths and I scream silently when no one is looking and I'm alone. I live a lie every day just so people will think I'm sane. I see the truth though, they are not truly alive. Vanilla. I need more, much more to know that I'm alive. I need pain.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

I don't know anymore. Its like there are a hundred different people claiming to be me who are trying to take control. I am too controlling to take the meds so I have been feeling all the pain, hearing the voices and dreaming the dreams. If it weren't for me being a saidomasochist I would have suicided a long time ago. Part of me wants to hurt more and part of me wants to watch. I breathe labored breaths and I scream silently when no one is looking and I'm alone. I live a lie every day just so people will think I'm sane. I see the truth though, they are not truly alive. Vanilla. I need more, much more to know that I'm alive. I need pain.

Betticus............soft smiles from here ......... I respect your right to express yourself any way you choose to, though I would be dishonest if I didn't say perhaps it might be wise to ask someone close you really trust and go talk with a Dr to see if there are alternate options in medication or otherwise that might give you a little 'peace'. Its tough living 'hard wired' ongoing Betticus , something is going to give..............

gentle hug and sincerely

@}-}rebecca----

 

[Betticus]

I will be okay eventually. Thanks for the kind words but this is something every dom type goes through. At least I do, being not complete without a sub. Sweet dreams baby doll and don't worry about anything. This is just natural.

 

[RJMasters]

Hang in there B.

 

[graceanne]

*huggles*

 

[Vixandra]

*hugs*

Can understand parts of that.

*offers strawberry shortcake*

 

[alice_underneath]

I don't know anymore. Its like there are a hundred different people claiming to be me who are trying to take control. I am too controlling to take the meds so I have been feeling all the pain, hearing the voices and dreaming the dreams. If it weren't for me being a saidomasochist I would have suicided a long time ago. Part of me wants to hurt more and part of me wants to watch. I breathe labored breaths and I scream silently when no one is looking and I'm alone. I live a lie every day just so people will think I'm sane. I see the truth though, they are not truly alive. Vanilla. I need more, much more to know that I'm alive. I need pain.

Betticus,

I remember my days of silently screaming, and the time when I couldn't stand the silence any longer.

I drove far out of town, parked off the road by an abandoned field, and screamed out loud - at the top of my lungs - for what felt like forever.

As cathartic experiences go, that one was quite effective (though it left me with a terribly sore throat.)

I have a question for you, Betticus. Are you using the term "bipolar" in a metaphorical sense, or have you been formally diagnosed with this disease?

If the former, then I would say that talking to a professional might be helpful for you. But if the latter is the case, I'll take the 'might' out of my statement and respectfully urge you to seek help from a professional as soon as possible. Like cancer or diabetes, bipolar depression is not a disease that you can cure or even manage by yourself, and medication left in the drawer is utterly useless.

With compassion for your suffering,
Alice

 

[John Doe]

It sounds like you have other problems besides bipolar.

 

[Betticus]

It sounds like you have other problems besides bipolar.

True. It gets a little out of control sometimes. I didn't get a hug yesterday.

 

[FurryFury]

True. It gets a little out of control sometimes. I didn't get a hug yesterday.

Aww!

*HUGS*

Fury

 

[brioche]

I don't know anymore. Its like there are a hundred different people claiming to be me who are trying to take control. I am too controlling to take the meds so I have been feeling all the pain, hearing the voices and dreaming the dreams. If it weren't for me being a saidomasochist I would have suicided a long time ago. Part of me wants to hurt more and part of me wants to watch. I breathe labored breaths and I scream silently when no one is looking and I'm alone. I live a lie every day just so people will think I'm sane. I see the truth though, they are not truly alive. Vanilla. I need more, much more to know that I'm alive. I need pain.

That's kinda how I felt right before I almost had a nervous breakdown.
Turns out I was taking a medication that increased my anxiety, heh.
And that's why I never never never skip my meds.

 

[Lilith]

This July 3rd will be two years he's been gone. On a Saturday morning he decided after nights, weeks of not sleeping (so manic), to be done. He had a doctor's appointment for Tuesday but he just couldn't hold on.

Betticus, please consider that when things get bad they always do get better. Not right away and maybe you think you can't wait til they get better but I promise that if you just seek help from friends, from doctors, from anyone, they can help get you through til it does.