Beyond birds and bees...

[phillyinjun]

This is NOT an incest thread, not even close.

I want to know from parents here how they have successfully talked to their children about masturbation and sensuality - not just sex, but how to enjoy it. How much is too much information? Do you share that you masturbate?

I ask because my parents never talked to me about any of this and I felt guilty about enjoying masturbation and writing erotica until very recently.

 

[NomadLady]

My parents never said a word either, took me a long time as well to get comfortable with my sexuality.

 

[phillyinjun]

My parents never said a word either, took me a long time as well to get comfortable with my sexuality.

Sigh... The lost years and opportunities. I am making up for them, so all is not lost hope you feel the same.

For all my new found freedom, I fear that I won't be any different with my kids.

 

[NomadLady]

Sigh... The lost years and opportunities. I am making up for them, so all is not lost hope you feel the same.

For all my new found freedom, I fear that I won't be any different with my kids.

I am still making up for those years....no kids to have to explain it to. If I were a parent, I wouldn't explain my past but would let them know I was willing to answer any questions they might have.

 

[NippleMuncher]

For all my new found freedom, I fear that I won't be any different with my kids.

It will only be different if YOU make it different! Most parents seem to think that any information what-so-ever is an encouragement and permission for their kids to have sex, when just the opposite is true. Kids are curious, and for lack of sane information from parents, they look to their equally inept friends and the misinformation of movies and internet porn for answers.

I am still making up for those years....no kids to have to explain it to. If I were a parent, I wouldn't explain my past but would let them know I was willing to answer any questions they might have.

That is what my mother did and what I would do if I had kids. My mother would answer ANY sex related question in an honest and age appropriate way. She would not discuss her personal life, but would openly discuss everything else.

 

[timurlenky]

What my mother did was she purchased a book aimed at pre-teens/teens about sex and gave it to me after we talked a bit about it (went through the book too). My parents were too embarrassed to talk straight out about sex related things with me or my siblings, I guess.

I agree that it would probably have made things much easier if my parents were more open about it and just let me know they'd answer any of my questions. Because its probably better if they learn the answer from you than their friends.

 

[Mazuri]

Having grown up thinking sex was a wife's duty and masturbation was wrong, I was determined not to do the same to my child. We have talked about things, she was told that if she had ANY questions then to ask and they would be answered truthfully and to the best of my ability, and she was even encouraged to explore online once she was old enough and once she understood that porn isn't how things are in the real world (if it was, every guy would deliver pizza lol). I did tell her that I couldn't guarantee there wouldn't be a knee-jerk reaction at first but that I would try to control it and discuss things once I've had a chance to think/calm down.

We have a very close relationship now and, though I don't always want to know what's going on, she knows I will listen if she needs to talk. She pointed out that she knew things were good and open between us when I linked her to some of the stories on this site Hey, they were well written lol

 

[phillyinjun]

Having grown up thinking sex was a wife's duty and masturbation was wrong, I was determined not to do the same to my child. We have talked about things, she was told that if she had ANY questions then to ask and they would be answered truthfully and to the best of my ability, and she was even encouraged to explore online once she was old enough and once she understood that porn isn't how things are in the real world (if it was, every guy would deliver pizza lol). I did tell her that I couldn't guarantee there wouldn't be a knee-jerk reaction at first but that I would try to control it and discuss things once I've had a chance to think/calm down.

We have a very close relationship now and, though I don't always want to know what's going on, she knows I will listen if she needs to talk. She pointed out that she knew things were good and open between us when I linked her to some of the stories on this site Hey, they were well written lol

This is what I was talking about when I said "beyond" birds and bees... In this day and age, there should be more than just the clinical explanation of sex, in my opinion.

How old was she when you stat red talking about this? And, if she is in her teens or beyond, does she have a healthy relationship with sex?

Hats off to you - sounds like you are willing to take risks when it comes to communication.

 

[SpecialKay62]

I only have sons...but I've always been very open with them about sex and sexuality, always keeping it at a level they could understand. As their mother, I felt it was also important to share the basics about the female body so it wouldn't be unfamiliar territory in the future. Fortunately, you don't really need to explain to boys how to masturbate. Now that they're all in their teens...the two older ones are sexually active. One actually talked with me about his girlfriend's experience because he wasn't sure she was enjoying it. I felt really proud of him...that he was interested in her pleasure. I encouraged him to talk to HER--find out what she likes and doesn't like. I also told him to talk with her about masturbation if she wasn't sure. Of course, we've always, always been open about birth control and how and where to get it. (Walmart, self-checkout, keep condoms available at ALL times!!)

 

[silverwhisper]

not a parent, but i'm not sure how comfortable i would be doing so with as-yet-hypothetical children.

of course, considering we're talking about the same kids whose poop i'll have cleaned up countless times, maybe there's reason to believe nothing can embarrass at that point?

ed

 

[NippleMuncher]

not a parent, but i'm not sure how comfortable i would be doing so with as-yet-hypothetical children.

of course, considering we're talking about the same kids whose poop i'll have cleaned up countless times, maybe there's reason to believe nothing can embarrass at that point?

ed

There are a lot of things that we don't want to do in life, but we have to. This is one of those things that can be uncomfortable to do, but has far reaching rewards. I fostered an 8 year old for a couple of years and had to field a few uncomfortable questions, the hardest part was actually speaking to her in terms she could relate to and understand. Her biological mother was extremely relieved that I had to field the questions because she admitted she'd have either put her daughter off or lied to her.

I believe if you've raised your kids to be self confident, self thinking, and self respecting, that they're going to come to you for answers before they go anywhere else. They will also be able to weigh any answer they receive for themselves to assess the validity.

 

[Mazuri]

This is what I was talking about when I said "beyond" birds and bees... In this day and age, there should be more than just the clinical explanation of sex, in my opinion.

How old was she when you stat red talking about this? And, if she is in her teens or beyond, does she have a healthy relationship with sex?

Hats off to you - sounds like you are willing to take risks when it comes to communication.

The initial discussions started in her early to middle teens; basically, when she started asking questions. She's now 19 and has a girlfriend whom she's crazy about. I encouraged the two of them to go to the local adult store if they wanted "toys" since I know she'd be very reluctant to go with me lol She's never had sex with a guy yet as those she's dated always wanted to push things further than she was willing to go at the time. Our hardest problem now is with her girlfriend's family who believe my daughter has "pulled her away from god."

 

[fuckmeat]

I'm not a parent either, but there's loads of great advice online.

Scarleteen.com 'for parents' page.

 

[KoPilot]

I never got a single talk, actually. The only thing I got was a book before I hit puberty from my dad's girlfriend at the time.

In fact, when I was about 16 my mom brought it up in casual conversation:

"Hey by the way, did your dad or I ever give you any sex talks?"

"Nope. You're a little late now, though. I don't need one anymore, thanks."

"Mmkay."

My mom's really open, though. I told her when I lost my virginity (was having loads of gynecological health problems at the time, so I told her out of medical necessity more than anything), and she also helped me through my pregnancy scare too.

I think letting your kids know that you're there for them, and just creating an environment that's as open and honest as possible is the best thing. I mean, aside from the condom/pill talk. (Which I also didn't get, and learned from that book.)

 

[silvastormcloud]

My parental units never spoke to me beyond the birds and the bees either, but i have to stop and ask whether its their role and if i would even want them too.

I'm glad they taught me the fundamentals but half the fun of becoming an adult is learning about sensuality. Its exploring and trial and error.

Sometimes it feels like the only upside to getting older and i wouldn't want that taken away from me.

 

[juvare]

This is NOT an incest thread, not even close.

I want to know from parents here how they have successfully talked to their children about masturbation and sensuality - not just sex, but how to enjoy it. How much is too much information? Do you share that you masturbate?

I ask because my parents never talked to me about any of this and I felt guilty about enjoying masturbation and writing erotica until very recently.

It's important to remember that we are born sexual creatures. There is no right age to have a talk. I firmly believe that this is something that should be open and on the table from day one. It's amazing to me how many parents will go through the name the body part game and leave out the genitalia or make up some cutesy name to call it. An arm is an arm. A penis is a penis. No need for goofy names.

The more straightforward and no nonsense you are about it from the get go, the easier it is for your children to come to you with questions and things they find curious. Honesty and humor will keep them coming to you with questions and things they find curious even as they get older. If the parent doesn't make a big deal out of it then the kid won't. Again, we are born sexual creatures and there should be no shame in that.

Initially it's all just solid information that is age appropriate. If you don't know, then look it up together. Any incorrect information or personal bias is going to make it uncomfortable to talk to you. This is true of any subject.

As they get older and more curious about it all, that's when the more in depth talks come into play. There is no such thing as too much information. There is a line between educating and informing and personal information and privacy that exists, so no, it's none of my kids (or anyone else's) business what I do or don't do sexually. It's absolutely fine for them to ask questions that they are curious about with sex, sexuality, the logistics of it all, values and morals. It is absolutely NOT fine to invade someones privacy. Which also means you have to be willing to respect the kids privacy as well.

While I do think it is important to be open and honest, I also think it's a great time to interject your values and morality in a way that is informative instead of demanding that also allows them to make up their own mind about it all. Understanding why some people behave the way they do, understanding what type of people that want to be and how to project that. How to have respect for their body and the person they are with. How to avoid emotional pitfalls and unpleasant side effects that can come with sex.

I've had in depth discussions about all things with my kids, including masturbation. Why people do it, should people do it, is it wrong, etc. We watched this together and it satisfied both the informative as well the humor.
Weeds Masturbation Lesson

 

[blowonyourface]

the furthest extent of birds and bees talk in my home: "don't bring home a pregnant girl".

It's a shame really

 

[SweetErika]

not a parent, but i'm not sure how comfortable i would be doing so with as-yet-hypothetical children.

of course, considering we're talking about the same kids whose poop i'll have cleaned up countless times, maybe there's reason to believe nothing can embarrass at that point?

ed

That's pretty much how I feel, but I don't think it's true for parents in general because we all change diapers and do all the gross stuff, but many still feel sex is too embarrassing to discuss properly.

My kiddo has discovered his genitals in the past few months and likes to explore them during diaper changes. My instinct is to tell him to keep his hands away, mostly because I don't want whatever is down there all over his hands (then everywhere else), but I consciously tell him "not now" and "it's fine to explore at other times." It's not for him, it's for me to be/get comfortable talking to him about his body and sexuality (which was something my parents never did). I think practicing talking about it now will help me talk about it when he's old enough to understand.

the furthest extent of birds and bees talk in my home: "don't bring home a pregnant girl".

It's a shame really

Yeah, my husband's mom was an OB nurse, and his sex ed consisted of, "Guess how old the mother of the baby I delivered was today?" over the dinner table. The new mother was usually 12 or 14, which completely scared my husband away from having sex until he was 19. Even then, he was terrified of getting his partner pregnant, and he's still very repressed because sex was always such a negative topic when it was discussed in his home and he never got positive information.

It's certainly important to talk about the very real consequences of sexual activity, but we're not going to stick to the scare-tactics route with our kid(s). We both wish our parents had taught us about how healthy masturbation is, for instance. I grew up thinking it was wrong and worrying my orgasms were doing irreparable harm to my body! Even a quick conversation along the lines of, "touching yourself is completely normal, healthy, something you enjoy in private and it can result in orgasms, which are actually really good for you," would have changed my life into young adulthood.

 

[phillyinjun]

It's certainly important to talk about the very real consequences of sexual activity, but we're not going to stick to the scare-tactics route with our kid(s). We both wish our parents had taught us about how healthy masturbation is, for instance. I grew up thinking it was wrong and worrying my orgasms were doing irreparable harm to my body! Even a quick conversation along the lines of, "touching yourself is completely normal, healthy, something you enjoy in private and it can result in orgasms, which are actually really good for you," would have changed my life into young adulthood.

Exactly.

Bottom line is that communication is key, I guess.

 

[lana316]

Well for me, my mom had the "you ask and I tell" policy as well as she never lied. So I asked her why I felt good when I touched my hoo hoo (name I used for my pussy considering i was 8 or 9 at the time). She told me about masturbation as well as explained that it was perfectly natural. She also told me that most people masturbate so it was not something weird or odd.

So, personally I adore her parenting style and plan on replicating it with a few personal modifications when I have children.

 

[lana316]

My parental units never spoke to me beyond the birds and the bees either, but i have to stop and ask whether its their role and if i would even want them too.

I'm glad they taught me the fundamentals but half the fun of becoming an adult is learning about sensuality. Its exploring and trial and error.

Sometimes it feels like the only upside to getting older and i wouldn't want that taken away from me.

Growing up with a mom that talked to me about everything, I must tell you its both nice and... disgusting. She told me her experiences as well as took me to Planned Parenthood when I first started dating. Her openness and willingness to share was to keep me from making mistakes though. So I guess it more depends on the kid.

 

[Noira]

I never got a single talk, actually. The only thing I got was a book before I hit puberty from my dad's girlfriend at the time.

In fact, when I was about 16 my mom brought it up in casual conversation:

"Hey by the way, did your dad or I ever give you any sex talks?"

"Nope. You're a little late now, though. I don't need one anymore, thanks."

"Mmkay."

Heehee. Sounds familiar. Except mine was:

"You know, I never did get a sex talk."

"That's because you went red and told me that you didn't want to hear it every time I offered."

"Well, okay, that's true."

"Do you need one now?"

"Nah, I figured it out."

And then it devolved into making penis jokes. And I DID figure it out... an encyclopedia, a couple of books with sex scenes, built in exploration devices... and one bing moment of "oh, so THAT'S why guys have penises. It makes SENSE now!" when I was a teenager. I may have been the only 13 year old that didn't know how sex worked, but I figured it out! And... well, I didn't suffer from it because I learned on my own time, when I wanted to and when I was ready for it.

 

[Annabell4you]

This is NOT an incest thread, not even close.

I want to know from parents here how they have successfully talked to their children about masturbation and sensuality - not just sex, but how to enjoy it. How much is too much information? Do you share that you masturbate?

I ask because my parents never talked to me about any of this and I felt guilty about enjoying masturbation and writing erotica until very recently.

As the mother of three girls I have had the talk with the oldest about sex. She knows she can ask me anything. Her daddy, that's another story. I told her honestly, if she ever felt she needed birth control to let me know. I also told her I wasn't worried about what some boy would do to her, I was worried about what she would allow them to do to her. You see all the girls at my house can take care of themselves, we train for it.

As for masterbation... the middle one had her hand down there one night when I went to tuck her in, I caught myself before saying... 'don't do that' instead I said, 'we can do that in private, but let's not do it in public.

All my girls know I am open and scientific and will not embarass them about anything they ask.

Hope I answered your questions...

 

[phillyinjun]

Well for me, my mom had the "you ask and I tell" policy as well as she never lied. So I asked her why I felt good when I touched my hoo hoo (name I used for my pussy considering i was 8 or 9 at the time). She told me about masturbation as well as explained that it was perfectly natural. She also told me that most people masturbate so it was not something weird or odd.

So, personally I adore her parenting style and plan on replicating it with a few personal modifications when I have children.

Thank you for sharing that! I assume you turned out okay, lol

 

[phillyinjun]

As the mother of three girls I have had the talk with the oldest about sex. She knows she can ask me anything. Her daddy, that's another story. I told her honestly, if she ever felt she needed birth control to let me know. I also told her I wasn't worried about what some boy would do to her, I was worried about what she would allow them to do to her. You see all the girls at my house can take care of themselves, we train for it.

As for masterbation... the middle one had her hand down there one night when I went to tuck her in, I caught myself before saying... 'don't do that' instead I said, 'we can do that in private, but let's not do it in public.

All my girls know I am open and scientific and will not embarass them about anything they ask.

Hope I answered your questions...

Yes, very well. I love how you explained that she needed to assert herself with boys. Too few women understand that, I think.

Thank you.