Between Friends

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

I've had this story on the borads for a week or so now. I would like some opinions on whether the end seemed to rushed and if the sex scene could have used a bit more excitement.
Thanks
Wicked

Between Friends

 

[kristydoll]

Nice story *smiles*

For your questions - no, I don't think the end felt rushed at all.

The sex scene was well done - any more 'excitement' and it may have taken away from the 'first time' of the story.

Great job!

kristy

 

[damppanties]

A suggestion...

Perhaps you should have ended with the last dialogue and left of the last three sentence paragraph. Somehow talking about husbands and kids after a 'first time' didn't go well with me.

 

[the_bragis]

Hello

Hello Wicked',

Isn't this just one wicked little tale? M-m... very nice. I'm sure many men fantasize about their wives or girlfriends with other women. Come to think of it, I guess many wives and girlfiends might fantasize about it too.

It's a very nice sensual read, and there are some lovely descriptions there.

Was the ending too rushed?

No, I don't think so. It was a nice slow build up, hot wham bam get right in there sex, and then a nice close. Just like good sex should be.

Could the sex scene have used more excitement?

No, to me it was all just like baby bear's porridge.

Ok, I know that's all you asked for, but this is what else noted as I read:

..when she asked me what else I had done that she might like.

You already said this in the earlier dialog, so it's not necessary to say it again.

Without hesitation Nikki stood up and took my hand leading me to the stairs, to her bedroom. I had been in her bedroom many times ..

I think it's a smoother read if you try not to use the same words (bedroom) too close together. I had been in there many times...

You know what they say...No one knows how to please a woman better than another woman, and it's true".

You know that really is true.

I guess the only thing I was left wondering about was, had 'you' had a lesbian experiences before? Nikki asks the question, and you imply you have perhaps done it before, but then you also imply it's your first time also. Had you perhaps been attracted to Nikki for some time? Maybe it's just me, but I think other readers are nosey too, and would like a little background perhaps.

On the really nit picky side, I noted a couple of bits of punctuation missing, and an i that should have been an I, and damn it, those things are my trademarks!

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day,

Alex.(fem)


Stories by Big B and little a

 

[ronde]

Hello Wicked

As one of those guys the_Bragis talked about, I would say this is a pretty cool...er..., hot story. As far as the questions:

No, the ending didn't seem rushed. I don't have a lot of actual experience in these matters (all right, zero, dammit), but things happened at about the pace I would expect.

The sex scene was exciting and sensual, both of which are needed for good erotic writing, at least in my opinion. There was a softness that I would expect in a lesbian encounter, and the wording painted some nice visuals for me. Those two things made the scene "real" for me.

One thing I might question was the twenty minutes of kissing. Wouldn't one get really chapped lips? Maybe that's just me.

On a technical note, there are a few places that could be made to read more clearly.

"The day she asked me that I don't know what came over me. "

I would write this as: "I don't know what came over me when she asked me that."

"At the same time she was excited by the idea, that I could see in her eyes. "

This needs a comma after "time", and you should change the comma to a semi-colon and move the "that".

"At the same time, she was excited by the idea; I could see that in her eyes."

When I write in first person, which I like to do, I always have to make sure I don't fill up a paragraph with lots of "I did's" and "I saw's". See what I mean? You have a couple of paragraphs chock full of I's. Next time, try re-writing to take some of them out. I would also watch usage of the same word in close sentences. I saw "slowly" a lot.

The punctuation you are so concerned about in your profile isn't bad at all. There are a few things that could be changed relative to grammar, but these don't detract from the story appreciably. It was a nice tale of intimacy between two women that I enjoyed reading.

The dialogue is really nice, and I loved the "I'll let you but you have to promise not to tell" statement. For me, that was the final definition of the character, and the rest her actions fit my perception of her personality.

OK, now get busy and write some more.

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

Thanks all, for your suggestions and for taking the time to read it. It's very much appreciated. Bragis and Ronde I see what you mean about using the same word over and over too many times, it does make it a little boring.

"I guess the only thing I was left wondering about was, had 'you' had a lesbian experiences before? Nikki asks the question, and you imply you have perhaps done it before, but then you also imply it's your first time also" Bragis could you tell me where please that you saw where I implied it was my first time? I was hoping to have come across as "experienced" and have it as Nikki's first time.

Ronde
"One thing I might question was the twenty minutes of kissing. Wouldn't one get really chapped lips? Maybe that's just me."
I never thought of the chaped lips, LOL. To me kissing for 20 minutes isn't unreasonable, I have actually done it before. Passionate, hot kissing can go on for 20 minutes and seem like only 5, you know, kinda like when you sit down at the computer and think you've been there for 1/2 hour and it's really been 2 hours.LOL

I'm glad you all liked my little tale and I thank you all again for your input and time.

Wicked

 

[sirhugs]

if you want more opinions , wicked, mine is that the sex scene was a nice length , but too short in the context that it just got the reader's blood flowing, then ended. It was exciting, but brief. The trouble is extending it might take the thrill away. A tough challenge. What do others think about possibly extending the build up before the sex scene?

I agee the "coda" after the last dialogue is what makes the ending seem odd.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Good Story

It was a very good story. For some reason, I have trouble reading most stories here. ther just turn me off in tyhe first few sentences, but I made it to the end with yours and enjoyed it, which really is high praise from me.

Does the ending seem rushed? Well, not rushed so much as dull. This may just be me, but the idea of talking about husbands and kids after hot sex leaves a bad taste. Better if they just went to sleep then start talking about the way Bill snores or Junior's diarrhea.

Could it use more excitement? What has ever been written that couldn't use more excitement? Is there ever enough?
But no, for what it is, a first timer between friends, you're not going to get thunder and lightening.

That's about the only think that got me, in fact. Again, maybe it's just me, but if I were going to try homosexual sex, the last person I would try it with would be my best friend. Sex with a friend just doesn't feel like sex to me. There's no mystery, no romance.

Also, I have had homosexual relationships, and for me the hardest part, the part that was most awkward & which I just could not get into, was kissing. Oral sex and fondling are easy compared to kissing, which really takes personal involvement and intimacy. Maybe it's because I wasn't really that into ihe real affection side of it or maybe it's a guy thing, I don't know, but I never did kiss the guy. And I've heard women say that the thing about lesbian sex that turns them off is the idea of kissing another woman. I don't know how general that is.

But it was a good story.

---dr.M.

 

[LdyOnyx]

just got done reading your story and I have to say....simply scrumptious...

At first, I thought the sex scene was rushed a little, but you really made up for it when you reached the bedroom..BIG PLUS!!! I enjoyed the vivid discriptions and the way the entire story flowed...

You have a great way of painting a picture for your readers...Someone like me could learn a lot...

Once again, great story.

LdyOnyx

one more thing...thanks for your feedback as well...

 

[the_bragis]

Hello

Hello Wicked,

I have the feeling you are a little miffed with part of my feedback.

Ok, you asked where exactly I saw that it was your first experience also. Well, I didn't. 'The day she asked me that I don't know what came over me.'... Nikki leading you up the stairs and not visa versa. 'At any rate that's when it happened the first time. ' I guess as I read it felt imply to me. I don't know, having read it again, I guess I shouldn't have read it that way, it was just me.

Well it won't be the first or last time I get something wrong.

I am a long way from being an expert. What I offer here, in this forum, are simply my thoughts, observations, and opinions.

Have a good day now,

Alex (fem).

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

Bragis,
The thing with simply writing words here and not hearing them is you can't tell how things are meant to sound. I wasn't at all miffed, I value your input greatly. I was mearly wanting to know for you what led you to think that so that maybe in future stories I could change wording to get a clearer image across. I'm sorry if I sounded miffed, not my intention.

Thank you sirhugs, your right on about how I felt about the build up. It is a tough spot to lenghten or not to lengthen, LOL. Thanks for your time.

Ldyonyx, thank you too. Your very welcome for the feedback I gave, it was my pleasure. I hope you write more so that I may give more. I'm glad that you enjoyed my story.

Dr, thank you also for your time and feedback. I'm so happy you made it to the end. Kissing......in my own real experiences with other women kissing has been almost, I repeat almost, the best part. Maybe because I wasn't with just anyone, but someone I was close to and cared about. Possibly it's different for women then men or even it's just me, but kissing is a VERY intimate act. I've had the pleasure of kisses that could have easily made me orgasm. The thing about it being with a best friend is that it's someone you tend to be really close to, have feelings for and a turn in the relationship could be a beautiful thing. Again as with bragis I'm not wanting to come off as miffed by your feedback, thanks bunches in fact.

Wicked

 

[Guest]

Hey Wicked!

Certainly a thumbs up kiddo.......

I'd have to agree with pretty nearly everyone on here. For myself, I have in the past found phrases or words I tend to repeat far too frequently. Would suggest using "find" when you do a draft-edit of your story if you find yourself using certain words too often. This would allow you to go in and change them so they're not being stated too closely together.

I'd also have to say...I would have liked more background characterizations too. Though that's more of what I've been doing myself as of late. You might lose a few "readers" who are more interested in getting straight to the sexy parts...(ah well) but I think for those who are enjoying a good story, getting familiar with the characters....looking ahead with interest towards the sexy stuff (like foreplay)? LOL......

The scene COULD have been longer (slightly) in my opinion with just a "titch" more dialog and emotion perhaps. But I wouldn't say it was really rushed no.........

I also agree....I'd have left out the husband and kids thing...didn't work for me there either. Took the edge off. Sort of like getting all excited in the back seat of a car...only to have the cop's rap on your window. It was fun...nice...exciting. But damn...you know?

All in all...a very very well written story, flowed smoothly..**** to read.

Look forward to more kiddo......!

I remain,

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

Sandman, thank you for your commets. I will keep in mind the "find" when editing future pieces and perhaps redo this one and change the end and take out the last part. It seems to be a majority that don't care for that last bit of info. I'll see what I can come up with and make it sit better. thanks again.
Wicked