Better Communication

[kiwichyck]

Hi all

My husband posted this thread in another forum.

are we,as sexual partners, supposed to be mind readers?Does your partner tell you what they want and when or do you have to guess?

I find it very difficult to verbalise my needs sexually.

He then went on to say (later in the thread)

well we been together for 14 years and still for some reason there is a wall when it comes to my wife being open about her sexual needs. sometimes she will let me know but more often than not, guessing is the thing to do. this is after much encouragement etc from me

Now I agree that I am not giving him what he needs. He has been very clear about the type of communication he wants during sex.

I find it very hard to say what I need at any particular point during lovemaking, unless I am very aroused. He would like me to be specific about what I want from start to finish. So far I have had several instances where I have directed him verbally, but only when I was certain that I actually wanted that activity.

Lately we have been experimenting and having some really great sex. I found this forum and another and it helped to get me thinking about sex more often, this increased my libido quite significantly. The one problem with that is that although I was always horny, I have a lot of responsibilites and I couldn't spend my whole life walking around in a daze. Over the last few days real life has started to catch up to me again, and my libido has taken a bit of a nose dive. That isn't to say that I don't want sex, I just have to work a bit harder at it.

Now my husband got quite upset about his because I didn't communicate to him how I was feeling immediately. I let it go 3 days and a couple of lovemaking sessions that were frankly quite boring, and then we only talked about it when he brought the subject up. I told him the stuff ^^^about my libido decline. He can't understand why I didn't tell him sooner.

Although I'm not opposed to communicating sexually, and I want to please my husband, I just feel weird about it. It's like stumbling around in the dark saying "do this", "oh no, thats not right", "lets try this", "oh yes thats great", "lets try this, and then go back to this" I truly understand that it is important to him for me to be able to communicate my wants and needs, but he already knows them! It's not like I lie there thinking of England, I have orgasms regularly, I will move his hands where I want them, I will move around.

So anyway, that's enough of an epic. Any thoughts or suggestions?

 

[FurryFury]

If you are not comfortable communicating during the sex itself, how about writing him little notes and e-mailing them to him?

I honestly have struggled with this in the past. I think you can make progress in little steps. As for the issue of not telling someone right away something, I do that too. I have to wait until I understand things before I can put it in words for someone else. I'm not trying to keep it to myself, but I have a most subconscious process that has to be employed before I can realize things for myself much less share them with someone else. When someone wants to get mad about that, there isn't much I can do but try harder next time.

I'd say keep trying and never give up.

Anyway, good luck to you both!

Fury

 

[Norajane]

Maybe you can think of it all as playful. It doesn't have to be "do this" and "a little to the left".

Get comfortable talking with him in bed by saying things you are comfortable with, maybe, "that feels great" or "don't stop" or "I really like what you're doing".

Then maybe take it a little further by giving him a 'tour' of your body, where you touch yourself and show him all the sensitive places on your body, and tell him what you like. As an example, stroke the side of your neck and tell him you like it when he kisses you there. Circle your nipples and tell him you like it when he sucks/bites/whatever. Lightly stroke the skin just above your mound, and tell him it makes you quiver when you're touched there. Show him how your clit teased.

Or tell him about your fantasies or daydreams. Tell him you were stuck in traffic and drifted off into thoughts of fucking in a particular position you really like.

Lean over the dinner table and tell him how much you like it when he fill-in-the-blank and you can't wait to get home so you can do that.

Have fun!

 

[jst4fun1]

Just as an idea....
Why not have him tell you some kind of erotic story, and where he leaves off, you take over, putting yourself in the role of his fiction character and tell him what you aka his character would like.
Oftentimes it is easier to talk about someone else than urself ...
(Remember back in the days, when it was "ur friend" that needed advice on this and that, where you actually needed it?)

 

[eudaemonia]

Then maybe take it a little further by giving him a 'tour' of your body, where you touch yourself and show him all the sensitive places on your body, and tell him what you like.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Give him a "road map" to you, whether by showing him from tip to toe what you like or a giving him an audio track.

I used to be somewhat shy in expressing myself verbally to a man until I picked up the book, The Fine Art of Erotic Talk. Lots of great tips for learning to become comfortable expressing yourself verbally.

That said, while it's fine that your husband has "made it very clear" about his need for verbal communication, you have your needs/style as well.

I dated a guy for about 2 years who, when we were communicating about something intensely personal and emotional, needed a coupla three days before he could come back to me and talk about it. It used to drive me nuts that I often couldn't get an immediate response from him. But I learned that I was going to have to meet him halfway, not always have it my way. His style is not mine, and so once I learned that about him and gave him his sovereignty, things got better. He learned to be a little more forthcoming sooner rather than later.

Maybe you feel that your husband is pressuring you to communicate in his style?? Just a thot. I could be way off here ...

 

[kiwichyck]

Get comfortable talking with him in bed by saying things you are comfortable with, maybe, "that feels great" or "don't stop" or "I really like what you're doing".

That is the type of communication that I can deal with. Unfortunately it is just not specific enough for what he has requested.

He has told me that if I can be totally open and specific from start to finish he would happily go without blow jobs for the rest of his life! So this is pretty important to him!

Now I have no problem giving specific direction when I am well on the way to climax, because it doesn't take much thought to know what I want next. What he would like is for me to be able to communicate what I might like right from the beginning. And then if whatever is going on is not doing it for me, then he would like me to say "well, no, that's not working, can we try (insert activity here) now?"

The problem with all of this is I guess mainly in my head. If I am thinking about what I might like next, then I'm not concentrating on current feelings enough, so I find it way more difficult to get aroused. And then I'm thinking about if I'm saying enough or using enough detail, so instead of relaxing and enjoying it, I get stressed.

Any other suggestions please! And thanks for your input so far!

 

[Ezzy]

He would like me to be specific about what I want from start to finish. So far I have had several instances where I have directed him verbally, but only when I was certain that I actually wanted that activity.

You could share some of your fantasys and offer him some roles you would like him to play out. Now I know that they are often private and not things you may want to share fully with him, but the more you can communicate your wants to him the happier he will be.

Lately we have been experimenting and having some really great sex. I found this forum and another and it helped to get me thinking about sex more often, this increased my libido quite significantly. The one problem with that is that although I was always horny, I have a lot of responsibilites and I couldn't spend my whole life walking around in a daze. Over the last few days real life has started to catch up to me again, and my libido has taken a bit of a nose dive. That isn't to say that I don't want sex, I just have to work a bit harder at it.

Once you have some responsibilities, time management can become quite an issue...until we instituted strict bedtimes for our kids, we had almost no alone time that had any sort of quality time as a couple. We read a couple of books about organizing time better and we now have time most days as quality time.

If there are chores that he could share that would take off some of the strain then communicate that to him as well, every little point on the communication trail helps out. I have yet to hear of a couple who say, "My S/O communicates too much, when ever there is something that needs to be communicated, they just say it...It drives me crazy!"

Now my husband got quite upset about his because I didn't communicate to him how I was feeling immediately. I let it go 3 days and a couple of lovemaking sessions that were frankly quite boring, and then we only talked about it when he brought the subject up. I told him the stuff ^^^about my libido decline. He can't understand why I didn't tell him sooner.

If you are going to offer a critic then sooner is better than latter from a guys POV... If you have to tell me 3 days or a week or a month latter that lovemaking on day X was not the best in the world how can I try and make the love making better. This is the heart of his worry! IMO

You may find as a woman that he should have known this empathically, but guys are piss poor empaths for the most part, that is one of the reasaons we need communication, and even when you are talking to us about it, if you don't actually come right out and tell us something we will miss it 9 times out of 10 if you just hint at it.

You might want to read some of the "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus books, they deal with communicatin in a way I found very real.

Although I'm not opposed to communicating sexually... but he already knows them!

It sure sounds like he is unsure of your needs, or he is unsure that he is fulfilling them, the communication does not have to be, "do this", "do that", but even subvocalisations can make the difference between him thinking he is doing something right or something wrong.

This is writen from the male POV and therefore is mostly if not totally wrong!

 

[Norajane]

Now I have no problem giving specific direction when I am well on the way to climax, because it doesn't take much thought to know what I want next. What he would like is for me to be able to communicate what I might like right from the beginning. And then if whatever is going on is not doing it for me, then he would like me to say "well, no, that's not working, can we try (insert activity here) now?"

The problem with all of this is I guess mainly in my head. If I am thinking about what I might like next, then I'm not concentrating on current feelings enough, so I find it way more difficult to get aroused. And then I'm thinking about if I'm saying enough or using enough detail, so instead of relaxing and enjoying it, I get stressed.

You need to tell him all of that. How in the world can he possibly expect you to map it all out ahead of time? And if it totally kills the mood for you to try to direct, and you need to FEEL and get into it, then what's the point?

If his goal is to give you more pleasure by learning what you like, making you be the drill instructor certainly is the wrong way to go about it and totally defeats the purpose.

The problem is not with you. He's being far too demanding and unreasonable about wanting you to keep up a running commentatry on his performance. That's not pleasing you. That's stressing you out, and you can't enjoy sex if you're stressed out.

 

[kiwichyck]

You need to tell him all of that. How in the world can he possibly expect you to map it all out ahead of time? And if it totally kills the mood for you to try to direct, and you need to FEEL and get into it, then what's the point?

If his goal is to give you more pleasure by learning what you like, making you be the drill instructor certainly is the wrong way to go about it and totally defeats the purpose.

The problem is not with you. He's being far too demanding and unreasonable about wanting you to keep up a running commentatry on his performance. That's not pleasing you. That's stressing you out, and you can't enjoy sex if you're stressed out.

Perhaps I haven't been clear enough about this. He is not being demanding and unreasonable. I can definately see where he is coming from. Its not about mapping it out ahead of time. It's about seizing the moment and verbalising possiblilites. Like how can we improve the sex and make it more varied and interesting by sticking with what we always do?

I guess I'm overthinking. I understand that he wants to try new things, he just wants to know what and when.
He's happy to keep up with things that work well, but how about at a different time in proceedings?
He is just tired of always being the instigator, and he feels he doesnt get the feedback he needs when he does something.

Like, we both know that if he stimulates my nipples that I'm 99% guaranteed to orgasm. We know that, thats fine and good. So instead of just going straight for the nipples every time, he's saying, lets do something else. If it doesn't work we can always go back to the nipples.

I kinda get stuck on what is working, and I am reluctant to move away from it to something else that may or may not be good. Am I making any sense? He says that he is becoming bored with the same old techniques all the time. I can understand that, and I want to be on the same page with him.

I guess at the end of it all, he is just looking for the same thing as me - to give pleasure creatively to one another without having to feel unsure about it. If I can give him the detailed explanations that he really wants, then he doesn't have to stumble around, not being sure of whats really going on. And how can I expand my range of arousing activites without trying things at different times and in different circumstances and communicating about them.

Meh, this is hard! He is taking this so personally, like its a trust issue, which I don't think it is. I've just never had much practise at expressing my needs sexually speaking.

 

[FurryFury]

This is hard on you both. You both have things you need to work on.

He needs patience. When we get enthused about trying new things it becomes easy to lose perspective and want to run when really, you should instead be learning to crawl. I know that because I've been there myself.

Making demands can backfire, so can going too fast too soon.

You know what you need to work on for him already.

As long as you both love each other and seek to make one another happy without giving up on this work, you can and should both feel pretty secure IMHO.

Fury

 

[kiwichyck]

Thanks fury

That makes me feel a little better!

Any pointers from anyone out there to help me work on opening up more?

I know this isn't going to happen overnight, but something to work with would be good.

So far most of my attempts have been dismal failures from my point of view.

 

[FurryFury]

You are welcome!

I've heard this book can be helpful in relationships. I haven't read it myself yet but I've heard a lot of good things about it.

The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman.

I think we all need to feel loved and communicated with in different ways. This book may help us see and implement that better.

Fury

 

[TBKahuna123]

Thanks fury

That makes me feel a little better!

Any pointers from anyone out there to help me work on opening up more?

I know this isn't going to happen overnight, but something to work with would be good.

So far most of my attempts have been dismal failures from my point of view.

Play twenty questions. Have him ask you sexual oriented questions and you answer them. This give shim an opportunity to ask you what he wants to know and gives you impetus to answer him. He's got to understand that while you may be willing to talk to him, it's hard to initiate that conversation and decide what to tell him. This prompting can help you open up a great deal. It's also a fun way for him to take the lead, without feeling like he has to pry the answers out of you.

This is exactly how we went about helping my wife open up enough to talk about things. She was a lot like you, very open, but not good at vocalizing things. Even though now she doesn't have any trouble talking about things, we still do this. It's fun. Maybe it would work for you.

 

[kiwichyck]

Thanks fury

I am quite familiar with the love languages book. My mother was really into it when I was a child. I recently browsed the website and got a few refreshers!

Kahuna

I was wondering when you were going to turn up! You seem quite wise and I appreciate your input. I will suggest 20 questions to him, but I'm not sure that he'll go for it. He has told me before that it bothers him to have to work so hard at getting information from me that I should really offer willingly. However it is a new twist that may work.

I should make an effort to schedule time for myself toward the end of the day. It seems my biggest problem is turning on mentally. We always seem to be on time pressure because he gets up very early for work in the morning. By the time I wind down from my day enough to switch mentality from mother to lover it is often too late to devote the time to foreplay that I need. He says it doesn't bother him too much, so long as I'm happy, but it's a real downer for me if he puts in all the effort for my O at the expense of his own.

 

[kiwichyck]

bump...........

 

[TBKahuna123]

I was wondering when you were going to turn up! You seem quite wise and I appreciate your input. I will suggest 20 questions to him, but I'm not sure that he'll go for it. He has told me before that it bothers him to have to work so hard at getting information from me that I should really offer willingly. However it is a new twist that may work.

Alright, hold it! I don't mean to sound disparaging, but I'm guess I'm gonna. This has got to be one of the most selfish things I have ever heard. He's angry because he has to ASK you what you want? That you should offer this willingly? Please!

Communicaiton is a two way street. if you really want someone to open up you ahve to have patience above all else! Patience is the ONLY way, combined with support, to make someone feel comfortable enough to open up to you! This isn't one of those, "if you love me you'd tell me" kind of things, this is "if you love me you'll give me the time I need."

You know, when my wife and I were goign through this I could have pushed and pushed until she just gave in, but that's not what I wanted. I wanted her to tell me freely, to offer this up without conjoling. Sure it was frustrating, sure there were times when I didn't feel like she trusted me, but I came to realize that is wasn't a trust issue. I showed her love, I gave her space and I gave her TIME. It didn't take all that long, but then again I'm in it for the long haul here.

I'm sorry if this seems unfair to him, but he sounds like he's being awful selfish, to me. I think he should be more patient, that's all. You can't expect someone to change in a few days or weeks, it takes time.

 

[Norajane]

Thanks fury

That makes me feel a little better!

Any pointers from anyone out there to help me work on opening up more?

I know this isn't going to happen overnight, but something to work with would be good.

So far most of my attempts have been dismal failures from my point of view.

What have your attempts that haven't worked been? What have you tried, or how have you tried to communicate? What's gone wrong?

I've found that the first step is the hardest. Once you start, and get a positive reaction from your partner, then it's easier to continue. For me, I remember my SO telling me how much he liked seeing me curious, that it turns him on. Ever since then, I've remembered that whenever I wanted to try something different or felt embarrassed talking about something. It made a huge difference in my feeling comfortable and 'safe' to open up to him.

The thing that also really helped, is he never, ever, not once, has pushed me in any way at all when it comes to what we do in the bedroom. Including whether I talk or not. I went from a woman that was slightly embarrassed about giving blowjobs (even though I really, really liked doing so) to someone who happily lets him take video clips of me doing so. I love knowing that he's got a hard drive full of OUR porn, heh, heh, heh.

I started out sending him dirty emails every now and then, and eventually started writing little stories for him. Sometimes the stories would be about fantasies or things I wanted to try. Other times, I wrote about things we had done together, a scene. That way, he could see from my stories the things that I enjoy and want more of, or would like to try, or that I thought were extremely erotic, even though he might not have realized it.

Perhaps you could write something for yourself - write down what you like a lot, what you don't like, what you're curious about. Maybe read some of the stories on Lit and see what turns you on and what doesn't. Maybe you could spend some time masturbating and discovering your own body and what feels good.

Maybe you could ask him for some help in the evenings, so you have time to decompress a little and switch from mommy to lover. Foreplay is crucial for a woman's enjoyment. Without it, I think sex would suck (unless it's a passionate quickie, but then you'd already be in the mood).

 

[kiwichyck]

Well, we've talked about this some more and we both understand where the other person is coming from now! He IS frustrated, but he certainly does not want to push me into anything that I'm not comfortable with. I guess the goal he is after with me being able to communicate freely is like his ultimate fantasy, but also an achievable goal.

I've put a lot of thought into this, and I think I have some new insight! I have only ever been sexually active with two men in my life. My first was not a good introduction to sex shall we say, and I have been with my husband since I was 15 years old.

The very first time I had sex, the guy I was with put a bunch of effort into foreplay, but when it came time for penetration, he stopped and then told me that it was up to me to continue, because he didn't want to be told later that he forced me into anything. I was 14 years old, hot and horny and simply did what he said. Afterward he told me that he didn't believe that I was a virgin (short story - masturbation and improvised dildo). I felt like I had done something terribly wrong and dirty. We had a relationship of sorts for a couple of months and continued to have sex, but it was never supposed to be a pleasure for me. For the sake of brevity, I won't go into it all here, but in hindsight I should have known better than to accept the treatment I was getting. But then sex was never really discussed in my home, except for it being something reserved for marriage, with some vague indications of possible enjoyment.

After I met DH, I discovered the joy of sex within strict boundaries in my mind. I never consiously thought it, but I now know that I was ok with experiencing pleasure and orgasm, but without losing control of the situation. So it was ok for me to orgasm, but only on my own terms. All this was complicated by serious issues within our relationship which lasted for many years. The short story is that he was being a prize asshole, and I thought it was all my fault.

Finally we started to sort out all the crap that was going on, and four years ago we got married and finally settled into an even keel.

The problem that he is having, and being so frustrated by, is that most of our sexual history has been a lie. Sure I've been having orgasms, but not because of his being a great lover, only because I've trained myself to orgasm. I've learnt and experienced enough to know the bare minimum to get me off, without having to talk about it. For example, he's always liked giving me oral, but it was mostly trial and error, I never really enjoyed it, and until very recently I'd never got off from it. My thinking went something along the lines of "just be happy he's going down there, don't complain, you could be so much worse off."

I accept that maybe he is being pushy and yes, maybe even selfish. However, we have now talked about that and he in no way wants to force me into something I don't want. We both know that would be counter-productive. But understand that I'm a ditherer. If he doesn't push me a little, then I will happily sit around waiting for a meteor to hit me and make me make a decision. I would rather make no decision than a wrong one, in most aspects of my life. I hate to change my mind once it is made up, and I need to explore ALL possible outcomes before taking action. Especially in areas like sex where I don't feel confident. Ask me anything about childbirth or breastfeeding or potty training and I could talk with authority for hours. Ask me what I want to do in bed tonight, and I'll sit there gaping like a goldfish.

Part of it is definately the whole mother to lover thing. Switching roles can be difficult, but he has always been considerate and helpful in that respect. Once again, I find it is MY mindset. I have gone for so many years denying myself in favour of my kids, husband or housework, that I struggle with feelings of guilt if I take a moment for myself before all my jobs are done (which we all know is never-ending). Completely illogical I know!

This has been quite a difficult thing for me to go through, but I am really glad that it has happened. It has been the jolt I needed to start really thinking about and challenging my thought processes.

Norajane

Thanks so much for your input. I really like the idea about writing stuff down and reading some of the lit stories for ideas. My biggest problem lately has been my lack of imagination. I have never fantasized and I have never really analysed my likes and dislikes. It seems like a really good idea. I also like the idea about experimenting with masturbation. We've talked about that before also, but I have been and actually still am reluctant about that. For me, masturbation has always been about getting off quickly, quietly and silently when I don't have a better option (ie: DH asleep/away or sneakily when I was young so my parents would never know). The idea of masturbating as a preferred and extended choice is somewhat foreign to me. I have masturbated in front of DH and during sex before, but as a means to an end rather than a relaxed learning and enjoyable activity. Oh and ignore my previous 'dismal failure' comment. I was feeling down because the previous night things hadn't gone like I expected. It wasn't a dismal failure. It was just awkward and I took it personally.

TBK
Funnily enough that was pretty much what I expected you to say, if a little harsher. You seem like you must be almost the worlds most patient man! Congrats Mrs TBK!
Did you do anything else to encourage your wife to open up, or did you just sit back and wait for her to work things out herself? Has she told you of anything you did that really helped her? Is this a mental journey I have to make myself - can she offer me any insight?

Thanks for reading
Any and all suggestions welcome

 

[TBKahuna123]

So I was trying to think of exactly how this all progressed, and you know what I discovered? The turning point for us was when I got pissed off and we had a big fight!

Our fight wasn't about talking about sex, per se, but it was about experimentation. I had to learn what was causing what I felt was this disconnect in our sex life, and I finally learned that my wife wasn't enjoying sex. This wasn't because I wasn't meeting her needs or anything like that, it was simply because she had become so fixated on the fact that she was having trouble getting pregnant. Sex for her had become a twofold string of emotions, at the same time it was exhilerating and depressing. The thing is that once we talked about it, really really talked about it, and identified a course of action to resolve the issue(her getting pregnant), everything worked out. It was just her letting go of the pressure she was putting on herself. This is the same thing that you have to do.

You called me the most patient man in the world, well that's not true. Patience is last among my list of strong suits, except where my wife is concerned. She's fought through so much, and I learned that if I wanted her to confide in me and to use me as her support that I had to be patient and not get frustrated. This is one of the toughest things that she could ask of me, but that is what I knew I had to do. So, I guess that I feel a little guilty for being so hard on your husband, because it sounds like his heart is in the right place, he just finally had to vent that frustration. Sometimes, that can be the catalyst to open discussion, so long as you vent that frustration, then revert back to patience.

Honestly, she's a lot like you are, in that she's always been open to anything, but never really vocalized things. The 20 questions approach was an idea that started when we were first married. It was actually more for me, to be honest. It was a way for me to prompt her to ask me the questions I wanted her to, so I could tell her the things I couldn't openly vocalize because I was embaressed to say them. Far from a game, this has been a great marital exercise for us throughout our marriage.

The other thing is that I started getting her to read some stories from Lit. Again this happened by accident. I had been reading for a while and finally decided to write a few of my own, but I wasn't sure how she'd react. I wrote her a story that I knew was her ultimate fantasy, and then printed out some others and brought them all to bed one night for "storytime". Well, she loved the idea, loved the story, and was totally cool with me writing. It also seemed to spark her imagination so that she would start exploring or leading the explorations. She's still not as outspoken as some ladies here, and is more content to let me take the lead, but she'll certainly participate in any discussions we might have.

I said on another thread that one of the greatest moments of my life was when my wife turned to me after 4 years of marriage and told me that she finally believed that I was for real, that this wasn't some dream that was just going to disappear someday. You have to believe that your past experiences are over, that your husband does love you and cares about your pleasure, not just his. You have to let go of the programming as you called it, and let yourself revel in the sensations. You are are forcing the orgasm and missing the journey, missing the intimacy, missing the pleasure of the conjugal embrace of your lover. In my opinion, you're missing the best part, and you are doing it strictly because you are afraid make the wrong decision. There is no right and wrong in ones sexual response, but unless you can trust your partner feels the same way, people tend to worry about being judged by them. I know, I was there. If you can let go, trust your husband and know that he isn't going to think you're dirty because you like or want some particular thing, you will be able to not only vocalize but enjoy your sex life much more.

I think Norajane's idea is a great one! Write some stories of your own, bring them to bed and let your husband read them, or read them to you, or better yet you read them to him! If you are having trouble with your imagination, try reading a few stories on Lit. That should spark your imagination.

The key is to make the effort. It sounds to me like while you may not want to be pushed, you need a little nudging now and again. Your husband can do this gently, but you have to make the effort to respond. This will take time, maybe years, but remember that a marriage is a long term endeavor, and it doesn't have to happen overnight. Make sure your hubby remembers that too. I've found just as much pleasure in the journey as in the conclusion, and even the smallest steps forward are so rewarding. It's a twofold street, in that your husband has to recognize and be happy with the little steps you make and you have to put forward the effort to make those little steps. Patience, effort, and a whole lot of love.

I wish you both nothing but luck in this exploration. I get why this is one of his fantasies, because trust me there is absolutely nothing as arousing as watching that look on your lover's face as they describe the sensations of you touching them a certain way, in a certain spot, their eyes glazed over as they float back into the memory of that bliss.

 

[kiwichyck]

Thanks for the advice everyone.

I have spent most of the day reading lit stories...very interesting!

I feel much calmer about this now - it's a work in progress. I've made the first few steps and I feel good about it. Hopefully it's mostly downhill from here!