best friends/ mystery lover

[jack30341]

Hi,

I recently posted my first couple of stories on Literotica, and I would really appreciate any and all feedback as to how they are and how I could make them better.

I really want to improve my writing and give readers alot when they give the stories their time and attention. It is also important to me to hear how the stories are received.

Again, any and all feedback is appreciated.

Jack

 

[Varian P]

LINKS

Jack,

Hope you get plenty of useful feedback. You'll save your prospective reviewers a bit of legwork if you provide links to your stories.

Best Friends

Mystery Lover

Good luck!

-Varian

 

[Varian P]

BEST FRIENDS

Hi Jack,

You did a good job of building the tension, and the seduction is nicely arousing.

I had big problems with your first sentence, which is too bad, because after that things only got better. Don't sell yourself short by discouraging readers with an opening that's not worthy of the story you're offering.

It was the kind of relationship that grew from your typical mother and son relationship into more of a "best friends" kind of relationship---only she was 44 years old and my mother, and I was 20 years old and her son.

Whew! I'm not even through the first sentence yet, and you've said 'relationship' three times. Checking through each sentence and paragraph to be sure you're avoiding unnecessary repetition is one thing that will make your prose more digestible.

Another problem with this first sentence: you seem to be setting up a contradiction with the word 'only' after the m dash, but there's no contradiction—the 24-year difference and the mother/son dichotomy is just what you've set up in the earlier clause. If the contradiction you're going for is that they're best friends in spite of their kinship and the age difference, you've already stated everything in the first clause.

You've got some decent, natural-sounding dialogue, and some more stilted, unrealistic dialogue. Phrases like this ring false:

"It's nothing, Jack. Nevermind, son."

Do parents really call their boys "son?" I've never heard it except in TV shows and films from the 50's. But then, I'm a girl with no brothers, so what do I know?

Clearly you've got an eager fan base going—keep up the good work. Hope some of what I've said is helpful.

-Varian

 

[jack30341]

Hi,

Thank you very much for your very helpful and insightful feedback. This is exactly what I was hoping for, so that I can improve.

Actually, I was intending for this to be a first of several chapters, but now my 2d chapter has been waiting for approval for several days. Meanwhile, I'm worried that the readers may be feeling like I've left them hanging. Do you think they'll want to see ch. 2 after this kind of delay?

Also, in all candor, I wish I'd saved the last part of back-and-forth dialogue about giving her what she needs, until I'd built up to it even more with some further conversation. However, I was worried that the readers wouldn't stick around that long.

What do you think?

Thanks,

Jack