Believable?

[VanillaDreams]

Here's the general gist :
Happy Husband and Wife
Anniversary Coming Up
Wife announces she's going to meet an old college friend...
he's male (and something in a dreamy catagory)...
at a bar...
in a hotel...

Husband doesn't want to follow her. Trusts her. Wife's friend calls to cajole him into watching her - 'she's been talking about this', 'I don't like what she's saying or the way she's acting'... I think you should go to the hotel. (It's important to the plot and I think believability that the friend doesn't stop until she gets confirmation that he'll go... for the sake of the marriage or kids or something.)

Husband decides to follow her.

She has a drink, chats it up, hands friend what appears to be her room card key and she leaves to go back to her room. Husband follows her to her room -- knocks on door to confront her. Wife opens door... She calls him by friends name, explains how excited she is to fulfill her fantasy of having sex with a relative stranger in a hotel who still finds her gorgeous. Husband realizes this was a set up thing, accepts it and ravishing occurs. In the end, wife comes clean - her friend was the one called to be sure he followed her, same friend's husband the "college friend." Room key she gave friend was just an unprogrammed room card key the hotel gave her - it doesn't work on any door. She did have a secret fantasy about having sex with a stranger but obviously couldn't/wouldn't so she did this instead.

Now the question is: do you think it can be written believably? It seems like a stretch to me but I've been rolling it around for a while. Any suggestions for plot improvement? I suppose the devil on this is in the implementation but would appreciate any feedback before. Also, I assume there really aren't a lot of "Holy Crap, never seen that before" scenarios but if you think '*YAWN* seen it a million times.' Let me know!

VD

 

[nakdsub]

This is unreal

This is extremely close to a story I have half written!

 

[silverwhisper]

that's totally believable and i think there've been a few stories like this. however, don't let that stop you: it requires a deft hand to pull this off and it's always good to see more good erotica. :>

ed

 

[HeyAll]

This does sound believable. And it also sounds like a story I'd be interested in reading.

If I could offer one suggestion for improvement, it would be to add something to the scene where the husband goes to the room and the wife opens the door. It could be spiced up a little.

Perhaps the room is dark and the wife says something sexy like "I've been waiting for you. It's about time." Something along those lines. Then she continues saying, in her role play with the husband, "Don't turn on the lights, it's better this way, I've always wanted...."

Then they have sex, afterwards the lights come on an all is revealed.

This is extremely close to a story I have half written!

That's actually pretty common among writers- me included. You're working on something, and someone beats you to the punch coincedently. It's been mentioned in the authors hang out a few times.

 

[MaxSebastian]

I like it, it's certainly believable, a good little twist. I can see that it might have been done before (I haven't seen it though), but there's hardly a story that hasn't.

Don't put too much backstory in early on, drop it in a little at a time, but it would be good to provide the reader with a touch of explanation on why their love lives might have gone stale (husband's too busy at work, etc), and why something like a bit of unexpected role play might be enough to spark it back into life (not just because of a couple of rings on fingers, but because they do actually have feelings for each other).

Then there's a choice to be made - do you reveal that the wife knows it is her husband before the sex (greeting him at the door) or afterwards?

 

[VanillaDreams]

Thanks for all the suggestions. I think I'm off to work; after all, what's Christmas for!

Max, really like the comments on backstory. Thanks. I hadn't really thought about the decision on "before" or "after". It seemed to me that to be believable the husband has to reveal himself. I've stayed in enough hotel rooms that (A) you CAN'T sneak into one, the lock and handle are too loud (B) the hallway is going to be lit so unles he breaks all the lightbulbs, she is going to know it's him. But then again, being vanilla in my dreams, I assumed the husband is going to be pissed that his wife might be cheating... I clearly need to think this through a bit more.

Anyway, thanks for the comments and suggestions, really appreciate it.

 

[VanillaDreams]

And then it hits me, there is a workable way to get him in the room without her seeing him. So, since I'm rather new at all this, which would be more enticing to read, hot sex with partners who know the gig or husband thinking he is playing wife, or reader doesn't know if wife knows or not until the end of the story.

I still have a problem - why husband wouldn't a husband reveal himself and confront wife pre-sex if they are happily married. I can only imagine that in that situation, I'd be pissed enough by the time I got to that room that I wouldn't be willing or even possibly able to keep my identity and anger a secret. So, I'm thinking she would literally have to gag him so he can't tell her that it's him. Again, might be a mark of my lack of imagination. Any further suggestions?

Just for the record though, I'm not interested in taking the "their actually swingers" route because I think that makes the story too easy.

 

[jaF0]

I still have a problem - why husband wouldn't a husband reveal himself and confront wife pre-sex if they are happily married.

I've seen a lot of stories along that line where the guy comes home unexpectedly and finds the wife entertaining someone. He creeps in to find out what's going and and gets caught up in the scene. His anger rages at first, but the maybe other guy is stronger than him, or the wife is rich and he doesn't want to lose the gravy train or something else stops him. As he watches, he finds his anger subsiding and he's getting more and more into it.

--- Reading back over your initial post, the concept is called role playing and you'll also find a lot of those. It deals with the notion that the mind can be the ultimate erotic organ.

 

[nakdsub]

Spam! Spam!

Removed by nakdsub.

 

[snoopercharmbrights]

(Originally Posted by shuixing) should be removed.

It was, but your posting will stay there. The way to get that done without leaving litter on the thread is to click on the pages

icon in the top right hand corner of the offending posting. Then the moderator will handle it.