Being an Online Domme?

[anne27]

Ok, I am looking for guidance for those of you experienced in online bdsm play. I have been in the lifestyle for quite a few years RL, but just recently started playing online again, with the permission and blessing of my mate and Top. I used to play online a few years ago, but it was always vanilla. I just never tried to translate all the specifics and fun of kink to my online partners. I am a subby switch. I always sub with my mate, but have topped and really enjoy it when I do it.
I recently met an interesting man online and he and I have hit it off quite well. We share the same passions, desires, and kinks. I Domme him online and am having a blast with it. One evening this past week, he hinted then came right out as asked if I'd be interested in collaring him. I was extremely flattered and said yes I'd be honored to call him my own. The next day, I realized I had no clue as to what was expected of me as an online Domme. I've never owned my own slave, RL or online, and my boytoy knows this. I want to do it right and make this a good experience for us both. He's very serious about it.
So, for those of you with experience, any suggestions or words of wisdom you can offer would be most appreciated! I could really use help!

 

[MasterNico]

I'm only guessing here, I'm no expert <about ANYTHING!>


I would guess that the painting of pictures with words and stimulating the mind is what the online stuff is all about. My suggestion would be to draw on great bdsm stories for words and ideas, and from your personal experiences. Keep things fresh, and try to make each encounter unique.

Gee, the more I write, the more I think it's not that different from RL. Except for the brusing.

Of course, you could tell him to bang his head on the monitor for that


JUST KIDDING!

 

[Kajira Callista]

One thing tht i think is very important to remember about this online stuff is that the emotions are very real even though its a virtual relationship. My 2 cents

 

[EbonyVenus]

Vivid Images

Your words are your power. The better you at creating a vivid picture the better you are at dominating him. If you control the mind the body soon follows without questions


From my experience
Ebony

 

[Vixandra]

One evening this past week, he hinted then came right out as asked if I'd be interested in collaring him. I was extremely flattered and said yes I'd be honored to call him my own. The next day, I realized I had no clue as to what was expected of me as an online Domme. I've never owned my own slave, RL or online, and my boytoy knows this. I want to do it right and make this a good experience for us both. He's very serious about it.
So, for those of you with experience, any suggestions or words of wisdom you can offer would be most appreciated! I could really use help!

Salutation Anne and welcome to the boards, first of all.
Okay, moving along to the topic at paw-
If he wants to metaphorically collar him, then perhaps changing his screen name to one that suits you? AKA "Annies_boitoy" or something akin to that.
If he wants to be physically collared- I'd check a site where you can send something as a gift, using only the name he calls you by. Just to be one the safe side. Then send him a real collar and have him wear it.
Ebay always has some pretty ones.

 

[MissTaken]

Before responding, I am curious.

How much experience does he have?

If he is new to this, some of what you can do is give him sites to reference and report on. Have him write about his thoughts concerning certain stories, articles, etc .

You can give him directions to carry out through the day at different times. For example, going into the bathroom at noon every day and stroking himself without achieving orgasm.

Your words and your demeanor are you greatest tool in an online relationship, but as has been said, remember that there are real people behind that text.

In terms of direct im correspondance, you can have him torture himself. Perhaps he must grab his scrotum, squeezing with increased pressure while you "count" ten (in typing, of course.)

And he MUST always tell you when he hasn't done or isn't doing what you direct. Otherwise, you won't be able to gauge the relationship, where it is and where it needs to go.

Trust is the biggest element in on line relationships, imho. (Or any relationship, as I think about it. )

 

[Pure]

Except for Miss Taken, and perhaps Kajira, I dont find myself in agreement with anyone here.

I recently met an interesting man online and he and I have hit it off quite well. We share the same passions, desires, and kinks. I Domme him online and am having a blast with it. One evening this past week, he hinted then came right out as asked if I'd be interested in collaring him. I was extremely flattered and said yes I'd be honored to call him my own. The next day, I realized I had no clue as to what was expected of me as an online Domme. I've never owned my own slave, RL or online, and my boytoy knows this. I want to do it right and make this a good experience for us both. He's very serious about it.

Miss Taken referred to truth in a relationship. In a word, have you got it? Do you know his first and last name, address, place of work, workphone, marital status? I mean 'know' as in evidence, not just onscreen 'chat' typing?

In relation to MissTaken's example, how would you know if he squeezes his own nuts for you. How do you know so quickly that there is honesty? Kajira hinted at this problem.

Second, are we talking about a kind of role playing game:
I had no clue as to what was expected of me as an online Domme. Suppose it says somewhere: online dommes do XYZ; online subs do ABC. You each assume those roles: OK, it's a fun game, kind of a fetish, but is either one 'controlling' the other?

Iow, if I agree to play 'servant' and I induce you to be the Queen of England, are *you* controlling, commanding or calling the shots? (I say 'no')

Which leads to the last point: First he hints, then he outright asks if you'd collar him. The hint is a proposal. The last is verging toward a request or directive. Is this 'sub' serious?

What the f*ck does he think he's doing, requesting his collaring? If you're too slow in shopping for collars, does he get to give you reminders: "You promised; what's the delay?"

Iow, this is a *controlling person who may have already established himself.

Frankly, I'd have him drink his own piss for a week and send the polaroids. Have him dip a pair of shorts in it, and put them over his head, and send you the polaroid.

Unless you start calling the shots in non fun ways-- directing cybersex doesn't count--you will not be in control, ever. Imo, the situation is very "iffy" right now. There's a good likelihood that really directing him would cause him to disappear and seek to play elsewhere.

What you don't seem to realize, is your rarity, and his 'luck.' He's probably asked the last 99 women for this, till you turned up.
Iow, I'm saying, 'exploit your position' by being extremely demanding of something besides jerking off.

None of this is to say you two shouldn't 'cyber' yourselves silly and have a great time at this erotic game of 'you be the domme I want, and I'll sub for you in the following ways.'

My 2 cents only. Perhaps I'm insanely skeptical, and he's Jesus Christ on wheels. (Oops, that would mean... who's worshipping who? )

J.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Except for Miss Taken, and perhaps Kajira, I dont find myself in agreement with anyone here.

I recently met an interesting man online and he and I have hit it off quite well. We share the same passions, desires, and kinks. I Domme him online and am having a blast with it. One evening this past week, he hinted then came right out as asked if I'd be interested in collaring him. I was extremely flattered and said yes I'd be honored to call him my own. The next day, I realized I had no clue as to what was expected of me as an online Domme. I've never owned my own slave, RL or online, and my boytoy knows this. I want to do it right and make this a good experience for us both. He's very serious about it.

Miss Taken referred to truth in a relationship. In a word, have you got it? Do you know his first and last name, address, place of work, workphone, marital status? I mean 'know' as in evidence, not just onscreen 'chat' typing?

In relation to MissTaken's example, how would you know if he squeezes his own nuts for you. How do you know so quickly that there is honesty? Kajira hinted at this problem.

Second, are we talking about a kind of role playing game:
I had no clue as to what was expected of me as an online Domme. Suppose it says somewhere: online dommes do XYZ; online subs do ABC. You each assume those roles: OK, it's a fun game, kind of a fetish, but is either one 'controlling' the other?

Iow, if I agree to play 'servant' and I induce you to be the Queen of England, are *you* controlling, commanding or calling the shots? (I say 'no')

Which leads to the last point: First he hints, then he outright asks if you'd collar him. The hint is a proposal. The last is verging toward a request or directives. Is this 'sub' serious?

What the f*ck does he think he's doing, requesting his collaring? If you're too slow in shopping for collars, does he get to give you reminders: "You promised; what's the delay?"

Iow, this is *controlling person who may have already established himself.

Frankly, I'd have him drink his own piss for a week and send the polaroids. Have him dip a pair of shorts in it, and put them over his head, and send you the polaroid.

Unless you start calling the shots in non fun ways-- directing cybersex doesn't count--you will not be in control, ever. Imo, the situation is very "iffy" right now. There's a good likelihood that really directing him would cause him to disappear and seek to play elsewhere.

What you don't seem to realize, is your rarity, and his 'luck.' He's probably asked the last 99 women for this, till you turned up.
Iow, I'm saying, 'exploit your position' by being extremely demanding of something besides jerking off.

None of this is to say you two shouldn't 'cyber' yourselves silly and have a great time at this erotic game of 'you be the domme I want, and I'll sub for you in the following ways.'

My 2 cents only. Perhaps I'm insanely skeptical, and he's Jesus Christ on wheels. (Oops, that would mean... who's worshipping who? )

J.

LOL, Pure.... I am with you in this and prefer to think it is more realistic , than simply skeptical. I remember the amount of subs, even here on Lit, who have openly admitted that online they have said 'Oh yes, PYL, I did as you said and it still hurts so bad' but in reality admit they just sat and typed the words. I think if I were ever to entertain the idea of online Domming, I would only believe what I could see via a very clear live webcam or completed tasks, at least for a fairly substantial trust building period of time. Trust is wonderful to have, but if online with no way of checking, can be abused just as easily as it can be honoured. From a sub POV, I would expect to have to prove myself, just as the Dominant has something to prove as well to me for it to feel remotely real..and if I asked for a collar and got it, virtual or not, I would question the reality base of the whole situation, and as you say, who is dominating who...but then I like a challenge.

Catalina

 

[EbonyVenus]

if it feels good just do it

I have to say I disagree with the two people before me, BDSM in some since is a form of role play. We all play role in life, < mother wife, slave, doctor, etc...>Be it real life or online. A r/l Mistress is no better than an online Mistress and vice verse as far as subs. It all depends on YOU. Do you know yourself, and are you confident in your abilities to dominate. If the thought of him squeezing his balls mercilessly, turns you on, isn’t that that the whole point? and if a submissive tells you he is squeezing his balls and isn’t. Who does he hurt? Him self.

Anne24 stated that she was online having a blast, if its fun then do it. As long as you both are enjoying yourself, and no one is being hurt then do it and don’t allow others to tell you what is real or true. Because Truth as far as I am concern is subjective.

Just my .02 cents
Ebony Venus

P S many submissives have me their r/l Master/Mistress online. It all starts with the mind

 

[catalina_francisco]

Re: if it feels good just do it

I have to say I disagree with the two people before me, BDSM in some since is a form of role play. We all play role in life, < mother wife, slave, doctor, etc...>Be it real life or online. A r/l Mistress is no better than an online Mistress and vice verse as far as subs. It all depends on YOU. Do you know yourself, and are you confident in your abilities to dominate. If the thought of him squeezing his balls mercilessly, turns you on, isn’t that that the whole point? and if a submissive tells you he is squeezing his balls and isn’t. Who does he hurt? Him self.

Anne24 stated that she was online having a blast, if its fun then do it. As long as you both are enjoying yourself, and no one is being hurt then do it and don’t allow others to tell you what is real or true. Because Truth as far as I am concern is subjective.

Just my .02 cents
Ebony Venus

P S many submissives have me their r/l Master/Mistress online. It all starts with the mind

I know for my part it was not an assertion either was better or worse than the other, each has it's place to those involved...and yes, because I have had enough experience with those who feel it is fun to play games when the other person is serious, added to the fact I think trust and honesty are important underlying factors in D/s, I do like to know the other person is not just amusing themselves at my expense.

I think it is niave to believe if you trust someone, they will honour that trust in kind..***** has taught me otherwise, yet I do usually trust to a degree until I have reason not to. I also disagree that the important factor is you believe you are dominating another, whether you know it to be true or not. You may be doing your part, but if they are not following, there is no domination or submission taking place except in your mind and fantasies.

By all means if people want to have light fun, that is their right to do so, but it is a huge problem if that online relationship then moves to real life and there has been no substance to build that on except lies. As Anne 27 says he is serious about it, and she feels honoured as such, and asked for experieenced people to advise her, it is wise to look at all possibilities and follow through on a path that does not see her disillusioned unnecessarily in the end, not just with him, but with those she has trusted to give her guidance.

Catalina

 

[Four_Inch_Heels]

A webcam does wonders to be sure a sub is carrying out Your orders. But, it all really boils down to trust. As was said earlier, if he isn't carrying out your orders, he's only hurting himself. I trust implicitly that My boys are doing what I say, webcam or not. But, this trust was built over months, and in a few cases, years, of getting to know each other.

As far as collaring, You say You "recently" met him. If it's only been a few weeks, I think that's too soon to know that you're a match as Domme/sub. The boys I've collared online wear a chain around their necks 24/7. No one in their r/l knows its significance, and that's sexy in its own way!

As in r/l domming, You have to set Your rules. Is he allowed to play with others? What do you expect of him as far as behavior? How is he to address You? Is there a set time you expect him to be online for You?

I feel You can do almost anything online that You can in r/l, outside of actual touching, and obviously any pain carried out probably wouldn't be as strong as You would have administered in r/l.

he'll look to You for his pleasure, acceptance, approval, feelings of self worth. I hope You take it as seriously as You say he does. It's really quite incredible to see the changes in a sub as they progress along their journey with You. Good luck!

 

[Pure]

Eb.V: "Anne24 stated that she was online having a blast, if its fun then do it. As long as you both are enjoying yourself, and no one is being hurt then do it and don’t allow others to tell you what is real or true. Because Truth as far as I am concern is subjective.

Just my .02 cents
Ebony Venus

P S many submissives have me their r/l Master/Mistress online. It all starts with the mind "

--
Eb, my closing was to this effect:

Pure: "None of this is to say you two shouldn't 'cyber' yourselves silly and have a great time at this erotic game of 'you be the domme I want, and I'll sub for you in the following ways.' "

While it's true sub have met their (soon to be) real masters online, and it's true spouses have met online, it's also true
that many online arrangements are based in air. At least one has been concealing a vital piece of information. Further the emotional state is frequently intense, but in fact the connection is shallower than at least one thought it was, since the other 'leaves' (vanishes) with at most, a good bye if you're lucky.

My view is that the 'sucesses' have usually been gradual learning to trust, no immmediate "I love you." or "I'll marry you." If two people can bother with typing the trivia of life (as opposed to melodramatic statements) for months, and still be interested, there *may be something.

Besides the 'too strong' content, the *speed of the process Anne reports makes it suspect TO ME. Though I wouldn't swear that one in a thousand 'instant matches' sometimes works out.

J.

 

[MissTaken]

Well, Pure, I would suggest that your assertions in your last post could all be held true for real time dating situations as well. Relationships without substance, one caring more than another, one vanishing........

The manner in which Anne posted this relationship has the same tone as someone talking about a play party they attended. Two people hooking up and it is all in good fun.

I do believe it is good advice to be wary of and aware of the potential for emotional involvement as well as the limitations if that were the case. However, it really sounds like a play scene as opposed to "I went to a chat room and met the submissive- of- my- dreams- who- will- be- with- me -forever- and -paint- my- toe -nails- every- night- until- Haley's- Comet -visits -again , now what?"