KillerMuffin
Seraphically Disinclined
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Begging for feedback - Non erotic poem.
- Thread starter KillerMuffin
- Start date
alexander tzara
"Release The Bats!"
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I'm glad you left it "raw and unedited" as you put it, KM, because that's a really powerful poem.
KillerMuffin
Seraphically Disinclined
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Thank you guys.Ul, I suck as a poet, I wouldn't know how to fix it if I were inclined. I see the serious repetition of certain words, and it makes me cringe. If I were to edit it, I would edit them all out, and I think that would be bad. Not to mention I have this nasty habit of putting the verb at the end of the line, which seems to be pretty wussy.
Not to mention I'm just not angry any more.
Isabella Thorne
Saucy Ambassador of Tarty Foreign Affairs
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Well Muffy ....
Your words stay with me ... it is haunting ... I can't shake them even though I try to ...
I take some solace in thinking that perhaps you were able to purge some of your anger by writing that poem.
You are a wonderful expressive poet. Thank you for sharing.
Your words stay with me ... it is haunting ... I can't shake them even though I try to ...
I take some solace in thinking that perhaps you were able to purge some of your anger by writing that poem.
You are a wonderful expressive poet. Thank you for sharing.
Samuari
Twice Blessed
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KillerMuffin said:
Ul, I suck as a poet, I wouldn't know how to fix it if I were inclined. I see the serious repetition of certain words, and it makes me cringe. If I were to edit it, I would edit them all out, and I think that would be bad. Not to mention I have this nasty habit of putting the verb at the end of the line, which seems to be pretty wussy.
Not to mention I'm just not angry any more.
Muff, I tried to tell ya that itwas a very good poem. You reach into our minds and stir up our emotions, which is exactly what a poet is suposed to do. You could prolly tinker with it some, but not to much. It is very good. And if you suck as a poet, then come a little closer and we'll try out a new verse.
JUDO
Flasher
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First reading: Wow!
But something grabbed at my mind in the first 8 lines or so on the first reading. So, I went back with an analytical mind the second time; trying to see if there was a structural pause somewhere in the beginning.
When I read it the first time, I felt that there was some kind of slowness in the beginning; something that almost stopped me.
[Unfortunately, I don't have your poem up in front of me as i write these lines. Please forgive me if i misquote.]
Look at the lines in the beginning
"...with no conscience."
"...without conscience."
And the wonderful little line with the word "delight" in it.
I would like to suggest losing one of the conscience lines and including another line to resolve the impression of "delight" instead. Where is the delight? What is the source of delight? The ending that's to come. The delight in taking control of a horrible situation?
I believe this is where my mind got a little "bogged down" on first reading.
Didn't stop me from saying "Wow!" though on the first reading.
- Jubo
But something grabbed at my mind in the first 8 lines or so on the first reading. So, I went back with an analytical mind the second time; trying to see if there was a structural pause somewhere in the beginning.
When I read it the first time, I felt that there was some kind of slowness in the beginning; something that almost stopped me.
[Unfortunately, I don't have your poem up in front of me as i write these lines. Please forgive me if i misquote.]
Look at the lines in the beginning
"...with no conscience."
"...without conscience."
And the wonderful little line with the word "delight" in it.
I would like to suggest losing one of the conscience lines and including another line to resolve the impression of "delight" instead. Where is the delight? What is the source of delight? The ending that's to come. The delight in taking control of a horrible situation?
I believe this is where my mind got a little "bogged down" on first reading.
Didn't stop me from saying "Wow!" though on the first reading.
- Jubo
Killer poem muffster
I loved the pace and rythme of it and the repitition of "rage" was perfectly apt if you ask me. It empowered the emotion of the lines and really drove home the angst you must have been feeling.
I like the cypress image as well - the way it went from "growing like a cypress" to "like a stunted cypress" was very clever indeed.
Kudos babe.
I loved the pace and rythme of it and the repitition of "rage" was perfectly apt if you ask me. It empowered the emotion of the lines and really drove home the angst you must have been feeling.
I like the cypress image as well - the way it went from "growing like a cypress" to "like a stunted cypress" was very clever indeed.
Kudos babe.
Heironymous
Literotica Author
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Whew!!!!
KM,
Great poem! It moved me, and asked me to read it again and again. Each time I did I got more from it.
I sent you an email with more praise & love!!!
Heironymous
KM,
Great poem! It moved me, and asked me to read it again and again. Each time I did I got more from it.
I sent you an email with more praise & love!!!
Heironymous
WickedAlchemy
Literotica Guru
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Killer Muffin's Poem
Your poem has some great qualities. A rippling energy coarses through your words, and its very powerful as others have attested. What you need to concentrate on is how you can turn some these words into images, concrete vibrant images...like your cyrpress tree twisted on the rocks and....show me your breasts is also a powerful image. But these images have a tendancy to get lost in barage of metaphor and discription, of which we know little. For example, what do you mean by "maimed without conscious?" A other things like a "maimed heart" and a "murderous soul" which seem methaphoric have no basis, nothing concrete to attach to the reader.
A technique that a professer taught me was to copy the poem onto another sheet and than erase all the adjectives and adverbs, anyword that describes another word. Not only do adjectives and adverbs usually slow down writing, but they also complicate and cloud images. After you've stripped down your description you have you concrete images from which to build and hopefully can create more images to show the rage and terror that your poem presently has.
But let me remind you, it is YOUR poem, you don't have to change a thing if you don't want to. If you have questions, don't hestiate to ask. I'm glad to help.
WA
Your poem has some great qualities. A rippling energy coarses through your words, and its very powerful as others have attested. What you need to concentrate on is how you can turn some these words into images, concrete vibrant images...like your cyrpress tree twisted on the rocks and....show me your breasts is also a powerful image. But these images have a tendancy to get lost in barage of metaphor and discription, of which we know little. For example, what do you mean by "maimed without conscious?" A other things like a "maimed heart" and a "murderous soul" which seem methaphoric have no basis, nothing concrete to attach to the reader.
A technique that a professer taught me was to copy the poem onto another sheet and than erase all the adjectives and adverbs, anyword that describes another word. Not only do adjectives and adverbs usually slow down writing, but they also complicate and cloud images. After you've stripped down your description you have you concrete images from which to build and hopefully can create more images to show the rage and terror that your poem presently has.
But let me remind you, it is YOUR poem, you don't have to change a thing if you don't want to. If you have questions, don't hestiate to ask. I'm glad to help.
WA
Kymberley
I perfected 'BITCHYNESS'
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Awesome!
Not sure what more I can add to that. Sorry, still speechless. I will get back to this when my fingers are able to type all the thoughts in my head.
The anger and violence seems so controlled in your thoughts. It appears as though you are not without power as long as you allow the rage to build towards the person who planted the first seed of pain in your soul.
Wow!
Going back for another read.
Not sure what more I can add to that. Sorry, still speechless. I will get back to this when my fingers are able to type all the thoughts in my head.
The anger and violence seems so controlled in your thoughts. It appears as though you are not without power as long as you allow the rage to build towards the person who planted the first seed of pain in your soul.
Wow!
Going back for another read.
nasty
yeah, baby, yeah
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This is slightly off the topic, but I'm begging for feedback on my stories. Negative or positive. My most recent are "Before & After 2" and "After the Party." However, if you are gonna send me negative feedback, please make it constructive. I HATE nothing more that getting feedback that just says to stop writing, or something to that effect. Please make it helpful. I'll try to make my next story better.
Mark Singer
Experienced
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- Jun 25, 2000
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hmmmm. and hmmm....
K.M.: I don't hang here a lot ( I think my post total is, like 12 or something...), but I'm glad I stopped in today. This is a huge poem. Huge. As for repetition...shit, girl... The emotions that are so vivdly displayed should be repeated and repeated and REPEATED...until the strength is there to pull...
You're sharing is a wonderful example of what makes me come back to this place called LIT. I am continually amazed (and wrongly so) at the number of willingly exposed souls we have in our midst here. And I'm proud to be a member (although mostly non-participating and emotionally challenged) of this site.
Thanks for sharing a wonderful poem. Look for a quick e-mail (mostly because I'm a non-participating and emotionally challenged member...:-> )
Thanks, K.M.
-M-
K.M.: I don't hang here a lot ( I think my post total is, like 12 or something...), but I'm glad I stopped in today. This is a huge poem. Huge. As for repetition...shit, girl... The emotions that are so vivdly displayed should be repeated and repeated and REPEATED...until the strength is there to pull...
You're sharing is a wonderful example of what makes me come back to this place called LIT. I am continually amazed (and wrongly so) at the number of willingly exposed souls we have in our midst here. And I'm proud to be a member (although mostly non-participating and emotionally challenged) of this site.
Thanks for sharing a wonderful poem. Look for a quick e-mail (mostly because I'm a non-participating and emotionally challenged member...:-> )
Thanks, K.M.
-M-
KillerMuffin
Seraphically Disinclined
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I had no idea I was even writing poetry when I wrote it. I was just expressing a bit of anger.
Xantham
Really Really Experienced
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- May 23, 2001
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Just a little clarification...
Shakespearian iambic pentameter is a misnomer. Shakespeare wrote (mostly) in Iambic Pentameter, but he did not begin the style nor did he end it. If KillerMuffin's poem were truly in Shakespearian (which is a modern term we often use when we mean Elizabethan) it would contain a lot more archaic terms and words. Also, a quick look at the meter and stress would quickly show that, as is befitting a poem of this nature, it is heavily trochaic with sharp attacks at the beginning of phrases and it doesn't follow a consistent meter. (Nor does it need to)
But that's just me being picky.
My only complaint was echoed earlied. the lack of some punctuation left me occasionally confused at first about where to place my pauses. But on the whole, it is a strong piece.
Shakespearian iambic pentameter is a misnomer. Shakespeare wrote (mostly) in Iambic Pentameter, but he did not begin the style nor did he end it. If KillerMuffin's poem were truly in Shakespearian (which is a modern term we often use when we mean Elizabethan) it would contain a lot more archaic terms and words. Also, a quick look at the meter and stress would quickly show that, as is befitting a poem of this nature, it is heavily trochaic with sharp attacks at the beginning of phrases and it doesn't follow a consistent meter. (Nor does it need to)
But that's just me being picky.
My only complaint was echoed earlied. the lack of some punctuation left me occasionally confused at first about where to place my pauses. But on the whole, it is a strong piece.
I stand sufficiently rebuked, chastened, and rectified!
however, their is a sufficient enough syllabic consistency and stress to at least provide a whiff of i.p., never mind the absence of archaic diction;
p.s. this is why people grow to hate poetic explication
however, their is a sufficient enough syllabic consistency and stress to at least provide a whiff of i.p., never mind the absence of archaic diction;
p.s. this is why people grow to hate poetic explication
