been awhile...

[fire child]

I snatched the pen and signed the line,
I said I would give up my whole life.
I had thoughts of who I could have been...
and then I gave it up and signed again.
Papers flew and ink ran dry,
and it was over in a sigh.
Raised my hand and swore a vow,
I was done with this world...
they could have me now.
To the plane, on the bus--
sit down without a fuss!
And then I'm there and...
my shoes are filled with sand.

Angry faces fazing in and out,
no time now for any bit of doubt.
I'm part of nation wide dream,
so I'd better do well for the team.
I picked up my sack and put it down,
I jumped up and then fell down.
I pushed and yelled with all my might,
until they said I was ready for the fight.
To the plane, on the bus--
sit down without a cuss!
And then I'm there and...
my boots are filled with sand.

I shouldered my rifle and aimed it sharp,
came then an angel playing a harp.
I had thoughts of who I could have been,
and then I before I blacked out,
I pull the damn trigger again.
Fuzzy faces floating all above me,
saying get up soldier and you'll see...
walk no more on earthly land,
stand up now and take my hand.
I said, "Well now, what then is this?
you tell me that I didn't miss?"
but to the left, and to the right,
soldiers that had took the fall,
standing for their last roll call!
I stood then and raised my hand...
one more soldier lost to the sand.​

eh...not so great. Advice? Critique? Anything?

Talk to me.

 

[fire child]

freezing cold
blue lips

glassy patch
on my ass

leg folds
biting pain

red faced
broken hip

crutches then
8mo-10

forever named
cripple kid

 

[Angeline]

I snatched the pen and signed the line,
I said I would give up my whole life.
I had thoughts of who I could have been...
and then I gave it up and signed again.
Papers flew and ink ran dry,
and it was over in a sigh.
Raised my hand and swore a vow,
I was done with this world...
they could have me now.
To the plane, on the bus--
sit down without a fuss!
And then I'm there and...
my shoes are filled with sand.

Angry faces fazing in and out,
no time now for any bit of doubt.
I'm part of nation wide dream,
so I'd better do well for the team.
I picked up my sack and put it down,
I jumped up and then fell down.
I pushed and yelled with all my might,
until they said I was ready for the fight.
To the plane, on the bus--
sit down without a cuss!
And then I'm there and...
my boots are filled with sand.

I shouldered my rifle and aimed it sharp,
came then an angel playing a harp.
I had thoughts of who I could have been,
and then I before I blacked out,
I pull the damn trigger again.
Fuzzy faces floating all above me,
saying get up soldier and you'll see...
walk no more on earthly land,
stand up now and take my hand.
I said, "Well now, what then is this?
you tell me that I didn't miss?"
but to the left, and to the right,
soldiers that had took the fall,
standing for their last roll call!
I stood then and raised my hand...
one more soldier lost to the sand.​

eh...not so great. Advice? Critique? Anything?

Talk to me.

The subject of your poem is so emotional that it's hard not to have a strong reaction to it. I'm usually not happy with ABAB rhyme schemes because they make a poem sound childish and, unless you're writing for small children, it doesn't usually work. Even so, I think you have a good start. You could leave it as is--if that is what you want--or you could take the ideas you've stated and continue to explore them. If you did that, maybe you wouldn't have the same kind of poem. Maybe you'd end up with two or more poems. Who knows?

There are a few ideas in your poem that I think are really interesting and worth exploring. The first I saw is this:

I had thoughts of who I could have been...
and then I gave it up and signed again.

Many people would say that what you chose is noble, but your lines suggest it was a compromise for something less desirable. There's a world of subtext behind those two lines. Also, I'm not wild about the ellipsis points (...) in poetry. If it means your thoughts trailed off, maybe you should find a way to say that. If it doesn't mean anything, lose it.

Then there's this:

I'm part of nation wide dream,
so I'd better do well for the team.
I picked up my sack and put it down,
I jumped up and then fell down.
I pushed and yelled with all my might,
until they said I was ready for the fight.

Again, there is a ton of unstated information, poetry, related to these lines. What does it feel like to be part of a nation's dream? Pride? Pressure? Do you like it? Hate it? Maybe some of both, but how? And those last two lines, I know there's a lot more to that. There are people, personalities, experiences that those two lines sum up. More detail about them could make very powerful poetry.

The last part of your poem, for me, is too much fantasy. It's sad and we all react with sorrow at the thought of another soldier lost to the sand. But my best poetry mentors have always said write about what you've experienced or at least be very well-informed. What you are saying in that last bit is so subjective. Again, there are experiences and feelings related to them about fighting and being hurt or seeing other hurt or dead that are powerful and moving because they are authentic. I think that's the way to go.

Just keep working at your writing. That's the best advice for you and me and all of us. The more you read and study and write, the better you get. That's a fact.