Bedtime

[ChromeCollar]

How can I adhere to my childs bedtime. With the disruption of my father dying, and people going in and out, and company staying for weeks at a time, my daughter got out of her routine of sleeping at a decent time, and sleeping by herself.

Now with everything returning to normal, I am trying like hell to get her back into the routine we have kept, but she is really being defiant about it. Going on two weeks, and she refuses to settle down. I try keeping her up all day, and having the sitter keep her up, with no nap, and still she wants to stay up until I go to sleep, and then wants to sleep with me. I know she is exhausted, but she wont give in. Any suggestions?

 

[shmily]

How old is she?
Are there other siblings?

If she is still napping I would assume she is under 6.
There has been lots of disruption and changes to routine. It might take awhile. She could be sensing your sorrow also. Try laying down with her for a few minutes at her normal bedtime. Talk, read a story, play soft lullaby music. after ten minutes tell her you need to get up for a minute but you'll be back. Leave the room for a few minutes then come back and check on her. it might take several 10 minute stretches and several nights to get back.
I went through this a few years ago when my stepkids g-ma passed she had been their major care giver their whole life they were 7 and 5 at the time , the 5 year old really struggled and it just took lots of patients and love. We went as far as to put him to bed 15 minutes early so it didn't stretch it to much later. We talked about g-ma and said our prayers to include her. He would wake up crying some nights this went on for several months until he settled back in.
The older one struggled but not as bad.
It was bad because she lived with us. We waited a month then rearranged kids rooms. We had 3 were sharing a room so moved the boys into g-ma's room.
Good luck. It will get better.
S

 

[ChromeCollar]

She is three, with no other siblings. I like your idea, I think I'll try it out tonight. I know patience is key, but sometimes it's hard to keep that in mind. Thanks for the response, and the rose.

 

[Vixandra]

Hey Chrome. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I like Shmily's idea. Saying prayers to whatever diety(s) you worship and including one for your husband with your daughter can help a lot too, for both of you.
Reading is also a good one- did she have a fav story that he read with her? Or a fav toy he gave her? Make up a story about the toy to tell her.

If she's scared to sleep by herself, you could try a couple of things.
Get her a stuffed animal for her to huggle at night, or a make a blanket with her of things to help her remember her dad (quilting I suppose).
If she's scared of "monsters"- try "Monster Spray" works like bug spray. Read about that on another site I frequent and thought it was a good idea.
I wish you good luck and peace.

 

[WetDenise]

Sorry for what you're going through!
If all else fails, get in bed with her (or put her in your bed) and lay with her until she's asleep. I know...there are those who say that's beginning a bad habit. But she's obviously in turmoil and probably afraid and your presence will be a comfort. Once things are back to "normal" you can work on getting her to sleep alone.
We do this with both our kids...simply out of habit now, but they always go to sleep happy and secure. We read, tell stories and sing songs and they always fall asleep in no time. Yes, sometimes in the night I have to bring them back to their beds, or we all four wake up together...but nothing beats waking up with everyone you love all snuggled up together.
Good luck! And big hugs to your big girl for being so brave!!

 

[Weird Harold]

She is three, with no other siblings. I like your idea, I think I'll try it out tonight. I know patience is key, but sometimes it's hard to keep that in mind. Thanks for the response, and the rose.

If she's three, she should be able to talk -- talk to her!

Try to find out what she's feeling and what her reason for resisting going to bed is. One you've done that, you can takes steps to address the problem in way that makes sense to her.

Talking to children that young is sometimes difficult but if you listen to what they are saying and can see things from their viewpoint, the solutions to seemingly insolvable behavior problems turn out to be incredibly simple.

It may still boil down to "go to bed because Mommy says so," but if you cn get her to talk, youshould be able to make a deal with her that satisfies both of you.

One thing I've discovered about children is that you can't order them to go to sleep; it seems to rouse an instinctive rejection of the idea in them through around age 35 or so.

What does work is to make it clear that they don't have to sleep but they do have to stay in the bed and be quiet -- or pretend to be sleeping -- for a set time period. Once they quiet down and relax, pretending to sleep turns into real sleep.

 

[Guest]

 

[Dstorage]

I hate to say it, but your daughter has gone through quite a lot for a 3 year old, and even though it might take you 3 weeks to get back on track I'm afraid it may take your daughter a little longer.

Sorry to sound pessimistic about it but stuff like this you have to go on the childrens schedule. That is not to say to give in, as they need the structure you provide but if you recognize that she is too young to be "defiant" and just needs more time to get back on track it may be helpful to your sanity! The idea that they do not have to go to sleep but they do have to stay in bed is a good one. Often keeping a couple night lights in the room is a good idea, so it stays light enough they do not get scared. I would caution against staying with her until she is asleep, eventually she will manage to stay awake longer than you want but by then you'll have painted yourself into a corner. If she really is very awake it is OK to let her have some books and dolls so she has something to look at rather than working up the effort to pad into your room....

Hope this helps, but as you know it is all a lot of work!

 

[ChromeCollar]

Thank you all for your kind words. I am going to try some of your suggestions. As for talking with her, I have. She has informed me that she thinks once she goes to sleep, I wont be there when she wakes up. (like grandpa is not there when she wakes up anymore) So I talked with her a bit, told her that wasnt so.

I dont mind bringing her to bed with me, even if it makes a bad habit. Its just that once that happens, it is an every night thing. And there are some nights I have things to do before I go to bed, and she cant be up until midnight doing them with me. The poor thing is exhausted the next day.

I tried not letting her take afternoon naps all weekend, and she fell asleep yesterday at 5:30 and slept all night. She was that wiped out, so I guess she still needs her afternoon naps. Thanks again.

 

[herecomestherain]

Hey there CC. This is just one more thing you could try if you get stuck. We have a nearly six year old and a four and half year old. When the younger one moved out of her cot to her bed she was a bug, getting up all the time, driving us crazy... anyway I got this one from a well known and respected child doctor and it seemed to help.

When she gets into bed and you've done the whole routine, tucked her in, given her twenty kisses etc tell her if she stays in bed you'll come back and see her in two minutes, then go back in the two minutes and make a big deal quietly, "what a great girl for staying in bed, that's terrific, I knew you could do it, you stay warm and cosy in your bed with teddy and I'll come back and see you in five minutes okay?"

It sounds tedious but you repeat it a few times extending the time to ten minutes, she may well fall asleep. It helps keep you stay calm because you're focussed on the positive and teaches her that she can do it. If she doesn't stay in bed, put her back in kindly but firmly start over. You'll need to do it for a few nights, "weren't you terrific last night when you stayed in your own bed" etc etc...make a fuss in the morning too about how ell she did going to bed.

Worked for us, could possibly work for you, keep it up your sleeve, and good luck. 3 year olds are very beautiful little people.

Has she just dropped her nap recently? There's often a period of readjustment there too when they get overtired and grumpy.

A couple of other things that have helped our kids at on time or another..out kindergarten teacher gave my son a shiny flat glass "stone" she called a relaxing stone, he could hold it to help him relax, he loved the idea. Sometimes when he's restless I give him special going to sleep kisses "magical" kisses applied to the eyelids..oh that one works everytime!

 

[MagicFingers]

Great book

It's called "Helping Your Child Sleep Through The Night", I think.
It worked wonders for us with our 2 boys when they were little.
It has step by step instructions and covers different scenarios.
Good luck, and I'm sorry for your loss.
That can change a child's habits. But, you know, you must get her back into a good routine.