Becoming a new dom

[TigerKatt]

Hi everyone, I'm new to the board, and to the lifestyle, which is why I could use a little help...

I've met a really great guy and he wants to be dominated...I've always been submissive in sex but for a long time I've wanted to dominate. I've spoken with doms before, have witnessed some of the lifestyle, so I know I have it in me.

I'm experimenting but I'm a little clumsy...

With my boyfriend, I'm not always sure when we're talking on the phone or texting/sexting whether to be dominant. This is a sticky area, and I was just wondering what your experience has been in this area. Like, I wanted to get all kinky and talk about other women (which he mentioned as a fantasy), but in reality it started to freak him out and almost turned him off. We have good communication, so I picked up on his discomfort and reassured him that he is all I want. He responded positively to this.

I'm just wondering if he's expecting me to be normal and girlie in regular time, and I'm a bit confused. It's hard for me to see the line between being caring towards him and cracking the whip (literally!).

Can anyone help me with that transition to real life, when you're dating? Because we are not living together it's not as clear for me.

 

[midwestyankee]

I don't follow the question in your last paragraph, but as to your primary question: do what you think will please you and don't be overly concerned with his pleasure (unless that's what will please you) for a time when you're together. If you think you want to take charge, then take charge and have fun on your own terms. Talk about it afterwards, but in the moment do it your way.

 

[TigerKatt]

What I wanted to ask, and made it overly complicated, is whether I should lay off the dominance when we're communicating in between dates. Does it throw guys off, to not?

Like, when we switch and he dominates me, he will dom in a text or phone convo, and I can handle it and play back. However, he doesn't seem to have the same comfort level with it.

 

[CutieMouse]

Have you talked to him about your struggle to figure out when to take control, and when not to? How does he want things to happen vs how you want things to happen?

 

[Stella_Omega]

You can be 'girlie" and be dominant at the same time-- only, that might not be the guy's fantasy of dominant. But really, dominance-- is for the dominant.

read the essay in my signature, see if it makes sense to you

 

[KlaytonFrost]

Just ask him. Ask him the exact questions that you are asking us. He is far, far, far more likely to know the answers.

And don't forget that what YOU want is also important. Your needs and desires (including things you don't have any interest in, or don't wish to do) are just as important as his.

 

[Netzach]

"Like, I wanted to get all kinky and talk about other women (which he mentioned as a fantasy), but in reality it started to freak him out and almost turned him off. We have good communication, so I picked up on his discomfort and reassured him that he is all I want. He responded positively to this.
"

Red flag. You both need to communicate about communicating. If he's directing you and then going negative on you simply doing what he more or less asked, you may be in for a LOT of frustration.

I'm dominant, but I've also done it for hire, which means fulfilling fantasies. A client who does this kind of communication is showing that he's not really ready to play games with loss of control, and the girl who works with him is often never ever ever "right" about what she comes up with. See if this is a pattern. If it is, stick to him in control - he will be either way.