Becoming a better Dom - just practice?

[mirrors2]

I'd like to apologize in advance if this post seems fragmented - I'm overcaffienated, and I reserve the right to later edit this post for clarity..

How do you practice being a Top? THe primary reason I haven't been incorporating BDSM into my sexual life is a lack of practice / confidence / whatever. I have a parnter who is definately into being a sub, but I don't want to just start Commanding without any real experience. There seem to be two unpleasant possibilities - that I'm not commanding *enough* "Sit down! Now! Err.. If that's alright with you..." or that I'm too over the top, and she has to use a safe word every two minutes.

I've been told that being a bottom first is a big help, but most of my sub fantasies involve wresting control from my Top - a fun fantasy, but probably not much help for the whole 'gaining experience' thing.

Any suggestions?

 

[AngelicAssassin]

How do you practice being a Top?

Any suggestions?

At the risk of sounding simplistic, communication, then control.

You need to speak with your partner. How else do you know what constitutes a limit for either of you?

Once you have that ironed out, control your impulses to go way beyond, or falling far short from lack of confidence.

Best of luck.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Communication is a good start, but also it is important to remember we all had to start somewhere. If your sub is experienced, they can perhaps help guide you....if not, explore together what you both want and expect from such an arrangement. Don't feel pressured to think you have to get it right from the beginning. Most here who have been into D/s for awhile at the least will tell you there is no 'right way' and it is normal to change, evolve over time, shift limits, and try new things....sometimes things you never thought would interest you. It is a fun journey....enjoy it.

Catalina

 

[Marquis]

I'd like to apologize in advance if this post seems fragmented - I'm overcaffienated, and I reserve the right to later edit this post for clarity..

How do you practice being a Top? THe primary reason I haven't been incorporating BDSM into my sexual life is a lack of practice / confidence / whatever. I have a parnter who is definately into being a sub, but I don't want to just start Commanding without any real experience. There seem to be two unpleasant possibilities - that I'm not commanding *enough* "Sit down! Now! Err.. If that's alright with you..." or that I'm too over the top, and she has to use a safe word every two minutes.

I've been told that being a bottom first is a big help, but most of my sub fantasies involve wresting control from my Top - a fun fantasy, but probably not much help for the whole 'gaining experience' thing.

Any suggestions?

I got your back bro. Check it:

Chris Rock said it best "Your girl is freakier than you can ever imagine. She will do whatever the fuck you want, you just gotta come correct."

You gotta make your desires, your standards and your expectations paramount. Have no concern for what might seem "reasonable". Considering the opinions of others is for losers, it's why the Republicans are kicking our asses left and right.

This philosophy has worked magic for me in my life. For example, I could really give a fuck what a bitch does with my cum after I bust in her mouth. But as a matter of principal, I always get upset when a girl tries to spit.

"Woah, woah, those are my little soldiers baby, if you weren't trying to give them quarter you shouldn't been blowing the horn in the first place."

You gotta do things like this just to keep them on their toes.

So I want you to find a mirror. Look deep into your own eyes with the sexiest look you know how to pull and say "I am the motherfucking man."

When shorty comes home, tell her to get ass naked as soon as she walks in the door. Girls always feel vulnerable when they're naked and you're not, so this should give you a good headstart. And I don't know about you, but a head start is usually what I have in mind, but obviously you gotta do your own thing.

I wouldn't worry about being too over the top. These little subs are tougher than you think.

 

[le Dragon Noir]

Talk to her. Ask her what she wants. Tell her what you want/need/expect. If her ideals aren't in line with yours, negotiate. If you can't find a happy medium, then drop it. You may lose her at this point, but if your needs are that out of line with each other and neither of you is willing come to common ground, you may not have been that compatible to begin with.

Reach out to your local community. If you don't know if there is one, LOOK. You can google for bdsm and your nearest town and city. If you have an alternative paper, check the back of it. Our local one has an uncensored ad area, where you can find every weird fetish known to god and a few the devil himself must've invented.

Most bdsm organisations have seminars and classes. That's a great place to start. If you find a PYL whom you both like and respect ask them to consider mentoring you. Or a couple for that matter.

 

[Mr Blonde]

How to become a better dom? You gain confidence by finding things that bring you "closer" to your partner -- things that you can each enjoy in your own way. Then you grow through practice and communication. At some point, you begin to interact with outsiders and learn different experiences/perspectives that either influence you or fortify your own style.

And eventually you need a little introspection and humility to see where you stand plus where you want to go.

 

[Netzach]

I actually agree with Marquis, although I've never gotten to use the little soldiers line.


Yeah, talk to your bottom.

Yeah, don't do things you don't know how to do safely.

But,

go look in the mirror and think of every decision you ever made that was the right decision.

Are you entitled to Top her? Are you ready and worthy?

If not, then wait. If you can honestly answer that question "yes" you are on your way, just decide what you want and make it happen.

 

[bigvinny]

I suggest...

www.soulshaven.com ....A veritable cornucopia of info. My sub pointed me there.

Read the Lit Library.

Read My thread about a New Dom's Mistakes

It's not about saying "sit"

Best of Luck!

bigvinny

 

[WriterDom]

If you have never played golf, pick up a set a clubs are try 18 holes. You will learn a lesson in humility. Or compare the first day of college with the last month.

Why expect to go from nilla to Master overnight? It is a power, and experience, and knowledge set that grows. You won't find it in a potion of newt eyes and bat wings. That being said, doesn't mean you can't enjoy the process. Just be careful about hurting someone physically or psychologically.

 

[FungiUg]

I actually think you nailed it with "practice".

Of course, there are things you can do to best enable you to practice. Yep, back to communication.

Also, you need to communicate with yourself. Know yourself. Explore your fantasies and desires and wants and needs. Get to know what really drives you, motivates you. Then you can reflect that through what you have a submissive do.

How to get to know yourself... is a whole 'nother conversation.

 

[FreeBloke]

I'd like to apologize in advance if this post seems fragmented - I'm overcaffienated, and I reserve the right to later edit this post for clarity..

How do you practice being a Top? THe primary reason I haven't been incorporating BDSM into my sexual life is a lack of practice / confidence / whatever. I have a parnter who is definately into being a sub, but I don't want to just start Commanding without any real experience. There seem to be two unpleasant possibilities - that I'm not commanding *enough* "Sit down! Now! Err.. If that's alright with you..." or that I'm too over the top, and she has to use a safe word every two minutes.

I've been told that being a bottom first is a big help, but most of my sub fantasies involve wresting control from my Top - a fun fantasy, but probably not much help for the whole 'gaining experience' thing.

Any suggestions?

I disagree with some of the other posters here.

I had always wanted to play in the realms of BDSM, but I didn't know anything about it.

I met Freegal, my slut, and we communicated. We did more than that, we talked it all through. She told me, in her words, that she "likes it rough!"

I asked her for details, received them, then clarified more. I got those answers then asked her outright, "Would you like me to do this, and this, and this???"

I even showed her some pictures.

Our first full session, although a little clumsy, was completely awesome. Simply because, I knew how far she wanted to go, and knew that I was willing to take her almost everywhere she wanted.

We've since found out more and more about each other and done more and more together.

We learn and try new things all the time, as described in our session stories, submitted here at lit. Everything we write about doing is true. Follow the links below to see.

Communication is key. As in life, it pays to talk.

 

[Xtacy4us]

Becoming a better Dom -

I also agree with Marquis. When I began "experimenting" with my dominance, I had the same questions...and was usually nervous as hell when it came time to "show my stuff" (so to speak). Eventually I came to realize that what worked best for me was to do whatever I wanted, for myself. Rather than trying to find out what my partner wanted from a scene, I just let him know what _I_ wanted, and we could negotiate from there, if need be. But it was getting the focus back on the dom being the one in control that finally made things happen naturally for me. Since then I've also become a pro-domme, and am quite popular as being one who is real, and knows what she wants and exactly what to do to get it!

My control is gained by seduction, rather than force, nine times out of ten. I prefer to seduce my partner into deciding that he actually WANTS to please and obey me, rather than being the bitch goddess that you so often read about (although there are times when that works better for me as well).

But the main thing is that, once I knew what I wanted, it was simple to convince my partner(s) to want, or at least agree to, the same thing. The real trick, I finally learned, was knowing what I wanted....after that, the rest was easy!

Xtacy4us

 

[MechaBlade]

How do you practice being a Top? THe primary reason I haven't been incorporating BDSM into my sexual life is a lack of practice / confidence / whatever. I have a parnter who is definately into being a sub, but I don't want to just start Commanding without any real experience. There seem to be two unpleasant possibilities - that I'm not commanding *enough* "Sit down! Now! Err.. If that's alright with you..." or that I'm too over the top, and she has to use a safe word every two minutes.

If you are a dom, then all you need to do is practice (that is, I think. I'm still an amateur dom). How do you practice? You already know. Just do what you want to do to her/him. Act out your fantasies. Write down good ideas from erotica and websites. That's my plan.

Oh, and communication is good for setting boundaries.