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Hitenshi

Hitenshi

tasty little snack
Joined
Dec 1, 2005
Posts
1,134
JIM AND MARY

Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the
deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Mary's heroic act, she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Mary the news, she said, "Mary, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged. Since you were able
to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another
patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The
bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom
with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's
dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

"How soon can I go home?"
 
NEVER TICK OFF A NURSE...

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just
Like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have
Anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him, but
Finally even she had had enough. She came into his room and
Announced, "I have to take your Temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down,
Crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse
Stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled
Over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the
Thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now
You stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses
Under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.
After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's
Going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers,"What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever
Seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."

:D
 
Ah ha ha ha ha!! Thanks for the laughs. I need them today. :rose:
 
Since it is only 115 days until Christmas...

I think I will share these now...
 
Last edited:
UP........................what a word.

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this . . .
There is a two-letter word that perhaps
has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so............ Time to shut UP.....!

Oh...one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P
 
Sioux City Male said:
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this . . .
There is a two-letter word that perhaps
has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."
Click to expand...


And along that line....

Why is it that we park in a driveway, but drive on a parkway?

:D
 
Sioux City Male said:
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this . . .
There is a two-letter word that perhaps
has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so............ Time to shut UP.....!

Oh...one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P
Click to expand...

Good Lord...you are right, SCM! There HAS to be a Freudian thing here....I'll look it UP. :D
 
poppy1963 said:
Good Lord...you are right, SCM! There HAS to be a Freudian thing here....I'll look it UP. :D
Click to expand...

When you find something, make sure you write it UP here. Otherwise it will probably end UP somewhere else.
 
panty_inspector said:
*chuckle*


looks quite small for what i was planning, but..... :D
Click to expand...

LOL

OK... everyting I've got it smaller than that! But let me see what I can find...
 
panty_inspector said:
and then of course there's THIS:
Click to expand...


Reminds me of a song by Ween called 'piss UP a rope'

No really. It's a song. Look it up.
 
piss up a rope

panty_inspector said:
how could i doubt you, my butter-covered co-star? :kiss:
Click to expand...

Since there's those out there saying "Ween? Piss up a rope? That cannot be!"
Here you go....

My dinner's on fire while she watches TV
And if you've ever wondered what it's like to be me
She takes all my money and leaves me no smokes
Yells at my buddies and insults my folks
I'm breakin' my back doin' the best that I can
She's got time for the dog and none for her man
And I'm no dope, but I can't cope
So hit the fuckin' road and piss up a rope

You can piss up a rope
And you can put on your shoes, hit the road get truckin'
Pack your bag, I don't need the ag
On your knees you big, booty bitch start suckin'
You ride my ass like a horse in a saddle
Now you're up shits creek with a turd for a paddle
And I can't cope -- piss up a rope

Uh, you can piss up a rope and feel the pissy dribble
You can piss up a rope and watch me giggle
For the last 6 months I been packin' your bag
You can wash my balls with a warm, wet rag
Till my balls feel smooth and soft like silk
I'm sick of your mouth and your 2 percent milk
And I'm no dope, but I've lost all hope
So hit the fuckin' road and piss up a rope

You can piss up a rope
And you can put on your shoes, hit the road get truckin'
Pack your bag, I don't need the ag
On your knees you big, booty bitch start suckin'
You ride my ass like a horse in a saddle
Now you're up shits creek with a turd for a paddle
And I can't cope -- piss up a rope
 
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