Beautiful

[fairiesecrets82]

Few of the images in my head...

Just thought I'd share....I don't really consider this anything but an image that is in my mind....I had to get it out....share what you would like about it....



here i sit
waiting for him to speak
order me to serve

im aching between
my thighs
wanting so bad
for him to grab me
drag me
order me
choke me

he stares at me
sticks his finger
in my mouth
forceing it to open

then sticks his dick in my mouth
fucks my mouth....
orders me to lay down
on my back

he gets on top
grasps his strong hands
around my neck
i struggle for air.....
he won't let go
i struggle for air
i struggle for....

I'm dead
my soul watches him...
fuck my lifeless body

he cums...
he kisses my cheek
it is going cold....

he picks me up...
my pale beautiful body
puts me in his bed

he crawls in bed
wraps his arms around my body
and says "i love you my angel, this way you will stay beautiful forever. I will beable to keep you safe this way...no more pain for you"

 

[BooMerengue]

Its just my humble opinion, but I think it's terrible. The grammar is pretty good, though the theme at best goes from trite to gross. Necrophilia?? Jazus!!

Love, Boo and Welcome to Lit!

though I have a sneaky feeling you are already here under a different guise. I don't blame you; had I written this I would hide, too.


.

 

[fairiesecrets82]

lol yea...i have a twisted mind...but ya know...i wouldn't REALLY want that to happen....I just have a morbid imagination, I guess....but thanks for the opinion...

 

[BrinkOfDoom]

Hi Fairiesecrets,

What an interesting story you have here, 'beautiful' - It looks like a modern updating of Porphyria's Lover by Robert Browning. I like the way you handle your verses(strophes) and think you have real talent in organizing your story and ideas. I am curious if your overall idea stems from Browning. At the time he felt he had to blunt the shock of his poem with the prefix 'Madhouse Cells'. And you - you seek the opposite effect. Browning's final line is brilliant, it strikes at the heart of religious punditry and probably elicited quite a shudder in its day. I think Browning was a computational genius as far as meter, yet he could be beautifully descriptive, carefully drawing you in. It's unfair for me to compare any modern poet to him, but cast a glance in his direction, he's good to learn from.

BoD!

 

[RhymeFairy]

Hi ya. Also, welcome to Lit.

I have to say ... this is not really my field. I could research and let ya know.
Overall this feels very morbid, and scary.

I do not want to dissuade you from writing, just write what ya know about. If this is it, then just know, it may not be everyone's cuppa tea. So you might not .. or you might, have a huge following. Depending what YOU want to get out of writing and posting. Anything is possible, here at Lit.
I do like your like your imagination. I can also see you have potential.
Just be free and let it flow my Friend. In the end ... all is good~

just my opinion ~
please take no offense~

Again welcome to Lit ... Happy writing ~

 

[Liar]

Yikes. http://www.my-smileys.de/smileys2/omg.gif
That one caught me off guard.

Can't really comment on the theme, since it's too off the chart even for me. Technically, I like the pace. The tempo of words matches the varying intensity of the action. But it's really all due to the line breaks. Nothing else differs it from regular prose. This is more of a story vignette to me. Which is not a bad thing either.


Oh yeah, hi and welcome.

 

[fairiesecrets82]

Thanks everyone for ur honest opinions....and actually I got the idea from a Korn song, "My Gift to You". I know it may weird some people out....but I tend to write to shock or make people think and wonder about what's inside my head. lol But thanks for the insight.....no offense taken....

 

[fairiesecrets82]

Here's another...

Hero~

My mind is invaded by your piercing
eyes

My body is invaded by your sensual
touch
My heart is invaded by your
unconditional love

My soul cries out for you to heal it's
pain
My fears burn inside me

I search for what I know is there
You give me more than what I need

I want to give you so much more
but there is a resistance in my way

I want you to kill it away
murder my fears
fuck them away

just don't leave me...

 

[fallengoddess82]

hey

both very good, shocking, sweet & sexy...all at once.

 

[J.Doe]

Just thought I'd share....I don't really consider this anything but an image that is in my mind....I had to get it out....share what you would like about it....

Not really poetry with the list description, but a shocking image, it is. Perhaps a postcard from purgatory, a bit of flash fiction?