Be BRUTAL

[BamaBelle]

But be truthful. This is my first posted story and this will decide for me if I want to attempt another writing.


The story is enititled: Jack and Connie in Erotic Couplings
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=50385

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Belle

You already know my take on this story. Don't stop writing, hun.



dixicritter

 

[BamaBelle]

Thank you Sugar!

 

[SexyChele]

BamaBelle - first, welcome to the world of writing! Don't let what anyone here, or in anonymous feedback, determine if you will submit another story. If you are writing because you love to do it, then just do it!

You say to be "brutal", yet I hesitate to do that with a new writer, so I will try to offer constructive criticism and hopefully be a help. And please keep in mind that this is only my opinion, and I am certainly no one's idea of a professional!

My first impression is that the basic story is a good one. You present the love between the two principal characters as being very strong, very tight, very trusting. You explain well the reason to experiement, which is another good point. You have a certain eye for detail, and I personally appreciate that. You seem to enjoy what you are doing - writing - and that comes out in the story. I know, can seem hard to believe that anyone out here doesn't enjoy writing, but sometimes it seems that way to me!

Here are some things that I found you might want to look at when you write your next story for submission:

1. Be careful about writing how you would talk. This is a "biggie" for a lot of folks. Most people will put words to a computer screen as though they were having a conversation with it. Problem is, it doesn't convey well to readers.

An example is the very first line:

"I had been in a very abusive relationship when I met Jack, and him being 10 years younger was certainly no hindrance to the fact that I found him to be exciting, as well as my life mate."

This line works well if you are in conversation. It comes across as awkward in writing. The awkwardness, for me, comes with the "and him being 10 years younger..." It sort of twists my brain to think that way. A possible rewrite might be:

"I had been in an abusive relationship when I met Jack, who was 10 years younger than me. I found the age difference to be very exciting, yet he had other qualities about him that made me consider him to be a life mate."

Another example of awkwardness would be the following:

"Randy and Peyton offered to drive and us ride with them. Leaving our car in the restaurant parking lot, we agreed."

The phrase "Leaving our car in the restaurant parking lot..." is really unnecessary. Obviously, if Connie and Jack are going with Peyton and Randy, the car would be staying where it is. But the first line reads awkward. A possible rewrite:

"Randy and Peyton offered to drive us to the club, and we agreed."

There are more, but I think you might get the idea.

2. Dates. This really confused me. In the beginning you state, "One afternoon, about a month ago..." Okay, that sets the stage. No problem there. Then, a little later on, you state, "Last week...." [this is when Randy IM'd Connie] So, in my mind, I'm thinking 3 weeks have passed, and someone has contacted one of the protagonists. Cool. Let's continue. Then you state, "one month later". Whoa! Wait! What's going on? Are we now in the future here?

I would say that most readers looking to get off are not going to put all of these dates together, but if you are writing for improvement, this is one of those little details that might garner some negative feedback because a reader just can't get it out of their head. (like me) The rest of the story continues, for the most part, in past tense, so there is no "futuristic" foretelling going on. The best thing I could suggest with this is that either keep the dates firmly planted in your mind, or do away with them all together. I'm inclined to go with the later.

Now, how would this affect the story? Simple, The first one would be "One night I was in the "couples room"...." Then, "A few weeks later, I was contacted...." And finally, "After about a month of chatting, we decided to meet and..." See? No dates to get mixed up with. And you can keep the timeline flowing smoothly in the way you want to.

3. A part where I got personally confused on was that at the beginning of the story, it is stated that the fantasy was to bring another person to the couple. Then it switched to a couple situation that involved swapping. I got lost as to what the true fantasy was. Minor, I know, but I can be rather anal about such things.

4. There was a loss of continuity at one point that was very obvious to me. Much is made of placing a condom on Randy (good point, btw!), so the reader is well aware that Randy has one on. However, when he climaxes, suddenly, "Randy pumped his hot thick wet cum into my already wet and drenched pussy." Wouldn't he have pumped that cum into the condom? Maybe I'm just lost here and I'm the only one seeing it, and if so, then just disregard.

5. I am one of those readers who do not get hot and bothered by reading extended letters. The "I'm cccuuuummmmiiiinnngggg" line just causes me to smile and sometimes laugh. Other readers might feel differently, however. (I feel this way about chat as well) I think writing has a much more classy edge to it when the writer simply states, "He cried out as he came...." Something to that effect works better for me.

6. (and final suggestion) I think this story would have worked better if written in 3rd person. That way, the reader would have gotten both Jack and Connie's reactions. After all, we know nothing of Jack's responses, or of his liasion with Peyton. Maybe that is the next story? If written in 3rd person, you could have switched between the two protagonists easily, presenting their reactions to the situation around them.

Okay, well I hope I haven't totally shredded your story! I actually did like the concept and basic idea. Please, don't stop writing. Writing is about growing - if your writing always stays the same, it becomes boring. I know I have had people who have read my stories in chronological order tell me they can see definite improvement over time. And the views and votes speak that way as well. So, don't think if you receive negative criticism (hopefully all will be constructive!) that you should not write again. Look at it as a growth experience, take what you can use, leave the rest, and go on to write better and better stories!

Good luck!

 

[BamaBelle]

Dixi, Thanks for the support. I love YA!!

SexyChele,I went back and read my story again, thru your eyes and I could see exactly what you were critiquing. I appreciate the help and will use it again as I am pretty sure that I will post again!

Thanks!!