BDSMers=Romantics?

[BiBunny]

I hear it said pretty regularly that BDSMers are romantics at heart. I'm not sure that I necessarily agree, but I don't know that I disagree, either. Obviously, this is going to depend on the person in question, but what do you think? Are the majority of us a bunch of hopeless romantics hiding behind our big, bad cynical exteriors? Does the nature of D/s-type relationships encourage this tendency? Or, to borrow EG's terminology, is it just another marketing ploy like the SSC thing? You tell me.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I am not a romantic. However I am not opposed to romance. I just do not let it rule my life.

 

[april2000]

Romance freaks me out. It will be a very special man who can be romantic with me, and if he can do it in the context of D/s, I'll probably have found a keeper. So no, I don't think all BDSMers are romantics at heart. At least, I'm not.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I don't know about BDSMers as a group but I do know about my own relationship. There is something about being in a relationship with someone who can be so demanding, so stern, so strict not to mention the rough sex, spankings etc yet send me love songs and be so caring and compasionate, (yes, I would call it romantic) that makes this so unique and so very special.

 

[jennyleigh]

for me, romance has not always been a factor of my interest in bdsm. i knew from a very young age that i was submissive. i know that at that time, it had NOTHING to do with romance.

skipping forward a few (cough cough, wink wink) to now- romance is an integral part of my relationship with my Master. i believe that for me, i need to be loved to be able to fully submit and push past my selfish ways to put my Sir first. (and, yes Sir, i know i slip up from time to time and i am sorry) also, something about knowing how much Master loves me, makes me want to try that much harder to please Him. He gives me so much and i to Him. i do know that everyone's M/s, D/s relationships are different. i am not saying that my way is the *right* way- there is no *right* way. to each to their own.

for me though, i know i would not be 110% satisfied atm if Master and i did not love each other and have the romance that we do- the same way that we have the kinks and fetishes and play times. perfect mix of vanilla and.... heh, non-vanilla.

 

[Ice2000]

I think D/S requires a level of trust greater than a normal relationship. That trust can then lead to romance. I personally fight it like the plague but it is always there and always a danger.

There is not much in this world that will make you stupid faster than romance.

 

[CutieMouse]

There is no Romance without BDSM...

 

[myinnerslut]

i am a hopeless romantic. A is not. it makes things....interesting

 

[__Lily__]

Hmm... I consider myself very cynical in the romance department and a complete commitment phobe in most situations.

However, in the current relationship, my first D/s, I sort of am a hopeless romantic. I love and trust him completely... I have that stupid fairy tale belief that we can overcome everything and live happily ever after. I would do and give anything for him and it really pisses that cynical commitment phobe side of me off because she still hasn't figured out what happened.

 

[wenchhh]

I think D/S requires a level of trust greater than a normal relationship. That trust can then lead to romance. I personally fight it like the plague but it is always there and always a danger.

ROFLMAO... YOU ARE such A GUY, ICE!

There is not much in this world that will make you stupid faster than romance.

That sounded like a quote direct from Jeff Foxworthy. YOU are a hoot, my man. A regular riot.

 

[catalina_francisco]

LOL, well some attach negative slants to being a romantic, I personally don't. That being said, I don't think I fit the bill...sheesh, I am hopeless at remembering dates for anything apart from appointments I need to keep (forget birthdays, anniversaries, dates people died on, how many years etc., regularly and have to run and check or work it out in my head when asked). I did decide I wanted a lifetime relationship which included love, but to me that was more a decision of reality than romantic rose coloured glasses. As to that love spoiling the D/s .....lol, well if he didn't love me he wouldn't be interested in playing with me, marking me, whipping me, torturing me, having me as his slave, so I don't think it has detracted from it, if anything, it has enhanced and deepened the depths we go to. I guess if you were still in a spot where there was mental conflict about such activities being the opposite of loving gestures it could create a problem, but for us we both had made the decision this was the only type of relationship which worked for us, and were searching for someone we clicked with who shared that view, so love just added depth, not problems.

Catalina

 

[WriterDom]

Nope, no correlation between romance and bdsm. We're just people, people. Some of us are more romantic than others.

 

[Bandit58]

As to that love spoiling the D/s .....lol, well if he didn't love me he wouldn't be interested in playing with me, marking me, whipping me, torturing me, having me as his slave, so I don't think it has detracted from it, if anything, it has enhanced and deepened the depths we go to.

I have found that too Although we don't go to the extremes that Francisco and catalina do, the fact that He loves me to death doesn't detract from Him being able to flog or crop me. Rather He does those things because we both enjoy them and it doesn't stop Him from hitting me rather hard

Our love also enables me to go further and do things I never thought I ever would. He asked me once if He had ever done anything that I hadn't come to enjoy.....the answer is a most definite no

 

[CutieMouse]

Some of it may be how you define romance, ya know....

 

[sensuella]

I know I am. But I don't think it's something that would come with BDSM..it's more about personality.

When you are a BDSMer you might find romance in a bit different things though...

 

[FluteMaster]

I am a Romantic, but I am also a Dominant. Love and affection are a key part of any relationship for me, as are the little things by which a couple express their relationship. D/s gives me a different framework to experience that.

My experience has also been that a relationship which incorprates some BDSM also involves greater communication, sharing and trust...factors which also are conducive to a greater sense of romantic attachement.

They aren't the same, but for me it isn't a suprise to think of them occuring concurrently.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Nope, no correlation between romance and bdsm. We're just people, people. Some of us are more romantic than others.

I know I am. But I don't think it's something that would come with BDSM..it's more about personality.

When you are a BDSMer you might find romance in a bit different things though...

My experience has also been that a relationship which incorprates some BDSM also involves greater communication, sharing and trust...factors which also are conducive to a greater sense of romantic attachement.

They aren't the same, but for me it isn't a suprise to think of them occuring concurrently.

Three excellent and succinct points.

For me personally, at this point in my life, I'd as soon leave romance out of it, but there still has to be a certain degree of ... "connection," since I don't want to use the "R" word. Otherwise, it's just exercise, for me (with the added benefit of getting to see shivers rippling through the body, tender flesh reddening, welts rising, and an occasional tear - whether from pain, pleasure, or emotional release).
Edited to add FM's post, which I somehow overlooked before the original submission of this post.

 

[shy slave]

Romance is like love, it means different things to different people.

I do not see myself as romantic, I buy him stupid gifts sometimes, but that is to make him laugh; not because I see it as romantic.

I like him to remember my birthday, but that is a because I want to know he cares, not because I want a big occassion made of it.

To other people gifts are romantic, but I think it depends on the gift

If singing chickens and sweets in the shape of pizza and chips are your idea of romance, then hell; I am romantic after all lol.


To me, romance is like foreplay; it has its place but I don't want it all the time

 

[missofdarkness]

well i'm not romantic but i think who live bdms inside a relatioship can live it in that way, i've never experienced it.

but i think should be very intense

 

[dexwebster]

I think this is hugely dependent on how you define romantic.

Chocolates and flowers and remembering every birthday and anniversary? No, I don't think people who do BDSM are by nature any more of that than anyone else.

But there is a sacrifice and thoughtfulness in the love between partners in our community--whether it be Eros ("romantic" love) or platonic (or friendship/"philia"), or another aspect--in the emotions that frequently come into play, a constant awareness of your partner's needs, that I think is inherently romantic.

It doesn't matter if a pair of people never kiss or have sex or are even compatible in sexual orientation. There is romance in a bottom saying, "Yes, I hate this, and yes, I will do it for you anyway. I will hurt for you, and trust you not to harm me."

I don't see romance as being defined by what dates I can remember and gifts I can buy. I see it in selflessness, in the thought put into serving another's desires. A man who sends his wife flowers and doesn't do it for any reason other than because it pleases her is being romantic.

A painfully shy girl who kneels naked at her owner's feet in a public play space, for whom the world melts away when her mistress pets her head and smiles, is being romantic. Her mistress, who strokes her cheek and tells her she's beautiful, that she enjoys the opportunity to show the world how beautiful this girl she owns is, is being romantic.

My BDSM--and I stress that it is not the same as someone else's--is definitely romantic.

 

[FluteMaster]

I think this is hugely dependent on how you define romantic.

Chocolates and flowers and remembering every birthday and anniversary? No, I don't think people who do BDSM are by nature any more of that than anyone else.

But there is a sacrifice and thoughtfulness in the love between partners in our community--whether it be Eros ("romantic" love) or platonic (or friendship/"philia"), or another aspect--in the emotions that frequently come into play, a constant awareness of your partner's needs, that I think is inherently romantic.

It doesn't matter if a pair of people never kiss or have sex or are even compatible in sexual orientation. There is romance in a bottom saying, "Yes, I hate this, and yes, I will do it for you anyway. I will hurt for you, and trust you not to harm me."

I don't see romance as being defined by what dates I can remember and gifts I can buy. I see it in selflessness, in the thought put into serving another's desires. A man who sends his wife flowers and doesn't do it for any reason other than because it pleases her is being romantic.

A painfully shy girl who kneels naked at her owner's feet in a public play space, for whom the world melts away when her mistress pets her head and smiles, is being romantic. Her mistress, who strokes her cheek and tells her she's beautiful, that she enjoys the opportunity to show the world how beautiful this girl she owns is, is being romantic.

My BDSM--and I stress that it is not the same as someone else's--is definitely romantic.

And I agree with your argument. Well put.

 

[Ice2000]

ROFLMAO... YOU ARE such A GUY, ICE!


That sounded like a quote direct from Jeff Foxworthy. YOU are a hoot, my man. A regular riot.

Wench, we really have to work on your timing. when I say something funny you never laugh. Hell I'm dead serious here. Let me tell you the difference between a romantic and a realist.

If a person accidentally runs over there dog. Its obvious the dog is mortally wounded

If the person is a romantic they jump out of the car, run over to the dog, start to cry, attempt mouth to mouth resuscitation, the dog is crying in pain, the romantic grabs up the dog, (dog cries some more)rushes to the vet with tears flowing, causing two auto accidents on the way while in a state of panic. Sobbing they tell the vet to do anything(dog cries some more), they love the dog. The vet keeps the poor animal alive for 3 more day(as the poor dog suffers), sends the owner a bill for $2000, and then the dog dies. Vet says he can dispose of the body for another $200.

If the person is a realist they walk in the house, get the gun and take care of business.

My point being if you let your feeling cloud reality, you are not helping yourself or anyone else. Telling a lover what they want to hear because of romance verses what you know in your heart is real is crime. And when romance takes over that crap happens a lot.

 

[FluteMaster]

Wench, we really have to work on your timing. when I say something funny you never laugh. Hell I'm dead serious here. Let me tell you the difference between a romantic and a realist.

If a person accidentally runs over there dog. Its obvious the dog is mortally wounded

If the person is a romantic they jump out of the car, run over to the dog, start to cry, attempt mouth to mouth resuscitation, the dog is crying in pain, the romantic grabs up the dog, (dog cries some more)rushes to the vet with tears flowing, causing two auto accidents on the way while in a state of panic. Sobbing they tell the vet to do anything(dog cries some more), they love the dog. The vet keeps the poor animal alive for 3 more day(as the poor dog suffers), sends the owner a bill for $2000, and then the dog dies. Vet says he can dispose of the body for another $200.

If the person is a realist they walk in the house, get the gun and take care of business.

My point being if you let your feeling cloud reality, you are not helping yourself or anyone else. Telling a lover what they want to hear because of romance verses what you know in your heart is real is crime. And when romance takes over that crap happens a lot.

All highly amusing, but an argument based purely on feeling. That was an argument short on logic,and strong on emotion...which makes you more likely to be a Romantic rather than a Realist.

And why shouldn't feelings cloud reality?? They are a part of reality. And telling a lover lies because it's what they want to hear isn't romance, it's manipulation to get what you want.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Wench, we really have to work on your timing. when I say something funny you never laugh. Hell I'm dead serious here. Let me tell you the difference between a romantic and a realist.

If a person accidentally runs over there dog. Its obvious the dog is mortally wounded

If the person is a romantic they jump out of the car, run over to the dog, start to cry, attempt mouth to mouth resuscitation, the dog is crying in pain, the romantic grabs up the dog, (dog cries some more)rushes to the vet with tears flowing, causing two auto accidents on the way while in a state of panic. Sobbing they tell the vet to do anything(dog cries some more), they love the dog. The vet keeps the poor animal alive for 3 more day(as the poor dog suffers), sends the owner a bill for $2000, and then the dog dies. Vet says he can dispose of the body for another $200.

If the person is a realist they walk in the house, get the gun and take care of business.

My point being if you let your feeling cloud reality, you are not helping yourself or anyone else. Telling a lover what they want to hear because of romance verses what you know in your heart is real is crime. And when romance takes over that crap happens a lot.

Great you explained yourself and your definition of a romantic, because in so doing, you proved as I have said before that you do not know me (remember your continual insistence I am a romantic and far too easily ruled by my emotions?)...your description of how a romantic behaves is so not me, and so much the realist description you gave, and which has actually been a choice I have made in RL without needing time to think. Also pertains to the idea of telling your lover what they want to hear....that is certainly not what I do, as painful or confronting as it might be for the one to whom I am speaking. LOL, so see, you just need to hang here a lot longer to get to know who I am instead of weaving fantasies in your head and insisting they are me.

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/223/510711670_5320c9d9d1_t.jpg Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

All highly amusing, but an argument based purely on feeling. That was an argument short on logic,and strong on emotion...which makes you more likely to be a Romantic rather than a Realist.

And why shouldn't feelings cloud reality?? They are a part of reality. And telling a lover lies because it's what they want to hear isn't romance, it's manipulation to get what you want.

LOL, I wasn't cheeky enough to say it, but my thoughts resembled your own.

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/228/508400304_935c3596fd_t.jpg Catalina