bdsm versus your 'real life' - coming out

[petrel]

i know there were several posts around the "how do you come out to your friends/ gyn / dr etc" topic on the monster thread - i will try and get them up on here too.

my general theme for this one is to ask for peoples experiences of coming out or not to friends etc outside of their BDSM circle.

After a long and somewhat drunken discussion with partner tonight we both got very maudlin about the way we feel we have to bit our tongues every five seconds in 'ordinary' conversaiton - it is harder for both of us becasue i am very masculine in certian ways whilst my partner is at heart a screaming queen!! - both of which aspects of our personalities we feel obliged to hide/ deny in work / every day life.

so when do you tell people? have you told your friends, work colleagues, family, doctor etc etc how did they take it? when and why did you tell them you were a 'pervert'

 

[Wizard]

Many of our friends know we are in the lifestyle and at work we have about 8 folks and a month or so ago we were talking about sex and they now know We are into BDSM also........I feel no need to hide it......It is who we are ...like it or not.......

They already thought we were perverts anyhow.........Sorry I love good sex...........

 

[Dhalgren]

Work?
Hmm…to me, that’s like talking about loving blow jobs. People have different tastes and needs and I’d never think to talk about that at work.

Friends?
Well, my friends actually think I’m really a prude because I don’t sleep with any other man except for my husband.

My orientation is actually kinda quirky.

I’m only ever attracted to women..and if there is love involved..oddly enough..I’m the Dominant one.

I’m married and very much in love with a man whom gives me a lot of sexual pleasure and is very aware I’m submissive..but he is secretly waiting for me to burst out of my self~induced sexual shell.

I’m not really sure it’s something you come out of the closet about..
Or not.
It’s just about who you are.

 

[petrel]

mined formt he monster thread - thanks to cym

Today i came out to another nilla person in my life. My doctor.

I told my mother last summer, if you’ll recall, and that went well. Emboldened by that success, and scared, too, by that visit to the ER last summer, i decided a while ago that i was going to need to tell my doc about my being a masosub. Today it was time for my annual and i decided i was going to tell her then, when we had a long appointment, so i could have enough time to say it in the way i felt it needed to be said, and without any rushing.

So… i went in there this morning.
The nurse did the usual height/weight/temp/blood pressure thing.
Then changed and sat on the exam table in the little paper gown they give you so you can pretend you’re not totally naked.

Cindy, my doctor, came in. She and i are friends, kinda sorta. We’re the same age, had breast reductions in the same month, she’s delivered both my kids, she confessed her lesbianism to me four or five years ago, i call her Cindy. We’re friends as much as anyone is friends with their doctor, anyway.

She frowned at me and told me that blood pressure was way too high and she’d have to see me again next week to check it.

I told her it might be a good idea to check it again after I got done telling her what I needed to tell her.

She sat down to listen.

And i told her.

I stumbled around a little bit; she really knew very little about BDSM and less than that about sexual masochism and it was hard to find the starting place in our discussion. You know, the starting place is that place where you’re both about equal in knowledge, the place you move from in what you’re telling them. But i found it and we talked.

The talking got easier as she understood more. I relaxed. She relaxed. In the end, we both agreed that IF i need her skills at any time down the road, it will be better for both of us that she already knows about me than to try to figure it out in the middle of an emergency.

She took almost no notes, explaining to me that, essentially, all her records are open to the insurance company to look at when they wish to look at them. The only thing she wrote in her notes that pertained to what i’d told her about myself was the rather cryptic phrase (so she thinks) “edge player”. She said that will remind her of the entirety of the conversation we had when she sees it.

She said, too, that it was good for her to know about the marks i might have. By law, physicians have to report what they consider to be suspicions of abuse, even if you say it is not. (Some of you in settled relationships out there might want to think about this one.)

So she finished the yearly. Those things are never fun, are they?

Then she took my blood pressure again.
It was back down.
We both laughed and i left.

Think about coming out to your doc.
It feels… quietly elating to not have to keep this from the person responsible for my health care, you know?

 

[cymbidia]

petrel, i came out to my mother last summer and told y'all about tell her in the Monster, around about the middle of August sometime. I just told my doctor last week. There are a few friends who might suspect something. Beyond my lifestyle friends (and the man from whom i'm divorcing), there's no one else who knows anything much in terms of my being really out about who i am sexually.

Oddly, and without reason, i *love* the freedom and odd sense of security i have in knowing that both my mother and doctor know.

We all come out to other people for different reasons, i think, much like we're all drawn to this and are able to find our fulfillment in this kind of sexuality in different ways.

I think your getting some of the "coming out" info from the MegaThread would be beneficial to us all since this topic just keeps coming up, it seems.

 

[this one]

this one has only just discovered her "other side" and has only "come out" on this board. It scares her deeply to consider telling anyone else, partly because she has not yet finished her inward gaze, but because she has nobody around her who would be accepting of her if she was to reveal herself as a submissive D/s style. Most of the people she knows are more than a bit closed minded to anything outside their own belief system. The rest are prone to judgement based on previous knowledge, and that judgement can be harsh when all they know of a subject is what Jerry Springer shows them. this one will probably not be "coming out" for a while. she wonders how she will manage looking for a Master sometimes.

 

[morninggirl5]

this one,

coming out to anyone is scary as hell, but the relief afterwards is so freeing. Take the time you need to look inward and you will know when that time comes that you cannot exist only in yourself anymore. Sometimes, life throws you things you never expected just at the moment you are searching for them.

Please continue to ask questions and post your thoughts here. There are more than a few of us just learning where we are.

mg

 

[MissTaken]

I told a friend (fuck buddy) last week in more specific terms about my involvement with D/s. With him, I have been gradually leading into it. I started about a month or two ago, joking about bondage.....then, talked about my toy box contents in general terms.

Well, the other night I showed him. Keeping in mind, I am fairly new to the lifestyle, my toybox isn't terribly full....but certain items there were cause for discussion.

I don't know why it is important to me to "come out" to him...accept that he is probably most open to casual and kinky play while I am single.

I expect that "coming out" will become more important when I am attached again.

 

[truthpurveyor]

I had the pleasure and blessing of being in a relationship for over ten years, recently to my hearts distress this ended and I find myself at loose ends with my life.

I've often considered writing about this, in an effort to cleanse myself and help me get through it all.

What am I saying? Well more to a group of people that I only know by pen names than to my own family, it seems.

What existed between us was definately love, but more than that I think as well, the trust and affection we felt for each other ran very, very deep in each of us.

We lived in a "prudish town in a prudish state" but that in no way stymied the passion we felt or practiced with the walls of our home (or hotel, or woods for that matter)

One thing I have been curious about, having few to compare with til recently. How many loved playing roles in thier relationships? Acting out specific fantasies that satisfied your desires? It was the original reason I was drawn to this site, and have finally been brave enough to speak and write about it all.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Private Means Private to Me

I do not discuss my private life with anyone other than who is involved. Be it vanilla or BDSM, I do not think it is anyone's business. Just my opinion, YMMV.

And since many BDSM activities can land you in jail, I think it is a wise thing to do.

Diane Sawyer asked the couple whose 7 year old daughter was abducted from their home recently, a question about a rumor that they were swingers.

She also asked if they thought this might have a bearing on their daughter's disappearance. Dispicable? Yes.

I wonder what she would have said if they had been rumored to be BDSM lifestylers.

I personally am not intereted in being outed on TV.

Ebony

 

[Frouwa_Aph]

Coming out is a very personal thing and everyone has to make his/her own decision about it.
I recently told a good friend, the result was very positive. Would I tell everyone, hell no! I chose carefully who I tell.

As a Domme marks on my body don't give me away, so I won't tell my doctors. Afterall, if they enter information like that in their computer not only the doc would know, but the insurance company as well. Which of course is none of their business at all. It might be different for a sub, who is likely to show some marks, a good doctor will notice and wonder about abuse.

Things have changed a lot during the last decade and hopefully they will change some more. I personally hate to be discrete and secretive about my style of life and love. But I honor the wishes of my play partners, who as submissive males seem to have more need to keep in the closet.

Monika

 

[Lain]

I tend to be a very open person. If a friend asks me a question out of honest curosity, I'll tell them as much as they want to know.

"Coming out" has never been a concern of mine. When my friends talk about coming out to their parents about their sexuality, I can't remember every trying to hide my bisexuality from my parents. It was there, a part of me, and I wasn't going to feel ashamed of it.

Now, as I explore this whole new D/s stuff, I have to decide who I will tell. Since I doubt I'd ever do anything to risk a serious injury, I don't feel the need to tell my ob/gyn or my pcp. I have a friend who would drop innuendo about kinks before I discovered this side of myself, so it's been easy to drop innuendo back at him until we both have a general idea of what the other person is into -- good enough for me.

However, I ran into a little problem with a good friend of mine from college. When I was doing almost pure vanilla stuff, we'd talk about sex all the time. I was very open about my experiences, as was she. But I recently learned that since I'v started talking about BDSM with her, she's gotten progressively more uncomfortable. She now feels like we don't have enough in common to make talking about sex worthwhile. She also faints at the *mention* of blood, so I've had to be very careful in what I've said. This makes me sad because she's the first person I've ever felt comfortable talking about sex with in any amount of detail. Losing her as a confidant was one of the main reasons I've started posting in this forum. Still, I don't regret telling her about the stuff I've gotten into. I would feel like I was being deceitful if I tried to hide it from her, especially if I kept making up stories about vanilla sex to contribute to our conversations.

My partner had a rough time after his insensitive wife (now ex-wife) outed him as a submissive to their mutual friends. Having just seen 8mm, they tried to "intervene"...

Lain

 

[pierced_boy]

Great discussion

.

 

[petrel]

I tend to be a very open person. If a friend asks me a question out of honest curosity, I'll tell them as much as they want to know.

"Coming out" has never been a concern of mine. When my friends talk about coming out to their parents about their sexuality, I can't remember every trying to hide my bisexuality from my parents. It was there, a part of me, and I wasn't going to feel ashamed of it.

Now, as I explore this whole new D/s stuff, I have to decide who I will tell. Since I doubt I'd ever do anything to risk a serious injury, I don't feel the need to tell my ob/gyn or my pcp. I have a friend who would drop innuendo about kinks before I discovered this side of myself, so it's been easy to drop innuendo back at him until we both have a general idea of what the other person is into -- good enough for me.

However, I ran into a little problem with a good friend of mine from college. When I was doing almost pure vanilla stuff, we'd talk about sex all the time. I was very open about my experiences, as was she. But I recently learned that since I'v started talking about BDSM with her, she's gotten progressively more uncomfortable. She now feels like we don't have enough in common to make talking about sex worthwhile. She also faints at the *mention* of blood, so I've had to be very careful in what I've said. This makes me sad because she's the first person I've ever felt comfortable talking about sex with in any amount of detail. Losing her as a confidant was one of the main reasons I've started posting in this forum. Still, I don't regret telling her about the stuff I've gotten into. I would feel like I was being deceitful if I tried to hide it from her, especially if I kept making up stories about vanilla sex to contribute to our conversations.

My partner had a rough time after his insensitive wife (now ex-wife) outed him as a submissive to their mutual friends. Having just seen 8mm, they tried to "intervene"...

Lain

thanks for the reply Lain,
pretty similar to my own experiences I have rarely hidden the fact that I am Bi. However I have concerns about coming out in the BDSM way. Also I sometimes feel that I shouldn't have to make a big issue about it all - after all it is my life, my personal life so why should people know the details?
What makes it hard isn't keeping my private doings private it is trying to figure out what the 'vanilla' response would be when someone mentions bdsm, non-hetero's, kinks or anything else. Do i act shocked, do I nod knowledgably, do I protest that I don't mix with that kind of people?

Talking about the simplest things can lead to confusion. I can't mention the clubs I go to, the clothing I buy, the shops I frequent, the presents my partner buys me etc etc. Perhaps I am over-reacting but I do like my job, and my parents and so I don't particularly want to lose or offend either. Also I have concerns that some BDSM is still illegal - even in the privacy of your own home!!

One thing I have noticed is the assumption from people who know I am a 'perv' is that I need to do it all the time and that it is more about a sixteen year-old level of rebellion than a real grown up lifestyle choice.

A friend of mine couldn't believe that I wasn't getting married in rubber - even when I pointed out that I didn't feel the need to try and wear rubber on a hot june day in front of my parents and family, she seemed to think I couldn't be a proper perv/BDSMer because I was choosing to wear a lovely romantic wedding dress to get married in.

BDSM is a large part of my life, as if I was a mad keen rock climber. It of course informs the other areas of my life, but it is not the be-all and end all of my life.

If I was a climber I would probably choose holidays that allowed me to indulge my passion. However I wouldn't expect to always go on holiday to the mountians, nor would I expect people to look at me strangly if i choose to wear a lovely dress rather than climbing gear.

Its a clumsy analogy I know but hoepfully some of you will know what I mean!

 

[BamaNicki]

"Coming out" is not an option for me either. I work in the medical field in a town where there is a church on every corner. I feel I have to guard every facet of my kinky side. The only people who know about what I am and what I like are in the lifestyle. And yes I do tend to play along with others when they are criticizing anything other then heterosexual monogamous unkinky relationships. If medals were given for being the biggest hypocrite. I would be going for the gold. But i look at this way, being a hypocrite is less of a crime then losing my family because of other peoples uptight beliefs..............

 

[James Blandings]

My parent's became aware of my bisexuality , and that it took on some kinky aspects, from the time I was 16. This led to a lot of trouble and a long period in my twenties when I was completely estranged from my family. We have since made a rapproachment, but I'd describe the curent state of affairs as "dont ask, dont tell"
I am self employed and all my close friends are either involved with BDSM, sympathtic to it, or just dont care.
Perhaps if my parent's had found out about me at a later time, things would have gone better, but because we all went through a long period of pain, I am not enthusiastic about counselling people to out themselves. If you have the kind of relationship with your family that allows you to talk to them freely about it, that's wonderful, I envy that. But in most cases, I think keeping it a private matter from them is the best policy.

 

[MissTaken]

"Coming out"?

Well, I simply cannot do that.

I have slowly introduced a friend of mine to the idea, but as he isn't a close enough friend to meet my family or other friends, it seems safe enough. He has no idea the depth to which I am involved. He knows only that I like certain activities, spanking, bondage.

Even with him, as sexually adventurous as he is, there were some difficult questions and a lot of misplaced concern on his part.

 

[SpectreT]

Not much point in me "coming out", as the saying goes, since I'm currently unattached. When I build and develop a relationship again, one that definitely will include "play", will be the time I (and my partner) will wrestle with that particular issue. After all, I wouldn't just be exposing myself to the scrutiny of others, I'd be exposing her to it as well. We'd both have to talk to friends, family, etc, or not. My own inclination would be along the lines of a "Don't ask me unless you're prepared for an honest answer." policy. I doubt my friends or family would freak out, or disown me, but I know they'd never understand.

Moot point, anyway. I'm alone right now, so I've got nothing to "come out" about.

 

[fallon2]

What to do

A person must do what they comfortable with and no one wants to hurt someone they like or love just for the sake of doing it. Children, parents, occupation and even religion all play a part in one's decision.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Bump.......

 

[DougBTX]

Moot point, anyway. I'm alone right now, so I've got nothing to "come out" about.

Almost another thread.. but: how do you find someone with common kinks without a degree of "comming out"?

 

[Sodality]

Coming Out



My friends already know Im a freak(eccentric lol), I'm honest with them, some of my co-workers know, my parents somewhat know but not to what degree and with no detail. The only people I hide it from are my ex and his family and my son, although he sees me in certain items of fetish gear when I am going out but nothing that would get his lil 8 yr old imagination running wild on him.

I found that younever know where people are hiding and sometimes, just sometimes there is this look of relief on someone's face that you are just as freakish(I like to call it eccentric) as they are..

Besides, its hard to pull off a velvet cloak without sayin at least....somethin..

 

[s'lara]

Kind of with Eb on this one.

Sodality, no offense meant in the following sentence. For me, that font color inhibits genuine interest in what you have to say. i am also not sure how a velvet cloak is indicative of BDSM. Is there ponygirl accoutrement underneath the cloak? Not meant to be funny, but cloaks don't typically make me think of BDSM.

lara

 

[Soulfiregirl]

I've talked a little bit about my fascination with bondage to my mom but she's not really comfortable talking about it. So, I decided to keep it to myself. I talked a little bit about it to my ex-boyfriend, but he just wasn't that interested. So, I decided to keep it to myself. I don't think I'll ever feel comfortable enough to be "out" about my BDSM desires to anyone, except for the person I'm hoping to one day meet and explore this stuff with. I keep it secret because I don't want to weird people out and I know many of them wouldn't understand anyway. I'm happier keeping it private actually. But that's just me.

 

[Guest]

Almost another thread.. but: how do you find someone with common kinks without a degree of "comming out"?

Hmmm Ever play that damn minesweeper game that comes with windows????
If you win...You found somebody...If you hit a mine ..You fumbled around in the dark until you told the wrong person too much and it got back to your parents/friends/boss/preacher/gossipy old lady down the block..

This is one of the reasons for munches and stuff of that nature..Coming out..But doing so in a community..