BDSM short story

[Ginlover]

My latest short story has just been published, it’s a 30-40 minute read, 8000 words. It sits firmly in the BDSM category. It’s quite far outside of my comfort zone in writing and I’ve taken a long time trying to make the main characters three dimensional while still keeping it erotic. I’d love some constructive feedback, due to a site glitch though it says published yesterday it didn’t actually become visible until today.

The set up is a pro Domme, a Dom from the clubs and two potential submissives who want to work in clubs.

Turning the Tables, by Ginlover

https://www.literotica.com/s/turning-the-tables-30

TIA

 

[DelNovo]

Per our exchange on another thread, I sent you feedback through PM.

 

[UsuallyPresent]

A few run-on sentences, but in general grammar, spelling and punctuation were excellent. That by itself is notable - well done. The number of times I've had to stop actively enjoying to try to make sense of someone's confusing writing style is not small.

The characters are intriguing, but I wonder - it seems Jen has an ulterior motive and Dan seems to me to be signficantly lacking experience. His promise to do 'anything' to avoid a lifetime ban is setting himself up to fail, something he should have seen occur more'n once if he's been around others playing, IMO.

Arguably, he already set himself up to fail at the very beginning, when Jen's girls came out, by not negotiating the rules before starting - what was too far, what penalties may apply to him, to her, and/or the girls, for instance. A sentence towards the beginning about how "Now, after his agreement to Jen's rules, she was happy to bring him into her educating her subs."

Jen's willingness to let him have at her girls/subs/pyt without that kind of understanding is why I consider her to have an ulterior motive. Instead of protecting her subs, she's willing to let them potentially get hurt in pursuit of cowing him into submission.

FWIW, I've never seen a third-party accessible playspace that didn't have explicit rules and some form of deliberate acknowledgement required before any play began, often in writing. At least some defense in case of later lawsuits. Private play spaces have differed occasionally, but even then there's usually a discussion about what's in and out of bounds except occasionally when everyone's well acquainted with each other, already knowing limits & safewords at a minimum.

Hot, well-described action. Contrary to the bulk of my comments here, I enjoyed it quite a bit - schadenfreude w/r/t Dan's fate, but were this to happen around me IRL I'd be very carefully reviewing the rules I was playing under that lets Jen get away with excessive damage to her subs - at least from her reactions she considers it excessive, and I'd agree as written.

I suspect I'd enjoy an extended series focusing around Jen, her club, and various doms and subs that enter & leave her circle of influence.

 

[Ginlover]

A few run-on sentences, but in general grammar, spelling and punctuation were excellent. That by itself is notable - well done. The number of times I've had to stop actively enjoying to try to make sense of someone's confusing writing style is not small.

The characters are intriguing, but I wonder - it seems Jen has an ulterior motive and Dan seems to me to be signficantly lacking experience. His promise to do 'anything' to avoid a lifetime ban is setting himself up to fail, something he should have seen occur more'n once if he's been around others playing, IMO.

Arguably, he already set himself up to fail at the very beginning, when Jen's girls came out, by not negotiating the rules before starting - what was too far, what penalties may apply to him, to her, and/or the girls, for instance. A sentence towards the beginning about how "Now, after his agreement to Jen's rules, she was happy to bring him into her educating her subs."

Jen's willingness to let him have at her girls/subs/pyt without that kind of understanding is why I consider her to have an ulterior motive. Instead of protecting her subs, she's willing to let them potentially get hurt in pursuit of cowing him into submission.

FWIW, I've never seen a third-party accessible playspace that didn't have explicit rules and some form of deliberate acknowledgement required before any play began, often in writing. At least some defense in case of later lawsuits. Private play spaces have differed occasionally, but even then there's usually a discussion about what's in and out of bounds except occasionally when everyone's well acquainted with each other, already knowing limits & safewords at a minimum.

Hot, well-described action. Contrary to the bulk of my comments here, I enjoyed it quite a bit - schadenfreude w/r/t Dan's fate, but were this to happen around me IRL I'd be very carefully reviewing the rules I was playing under that lets Jen get away with excessive damage to her subs - at least from her reactions she considers it excessive, and I'd agree as written.

I suspect I'd enjoy an extended series focusing around Jen, her club, and various doms and subs that enter & leave her circle of influence.

Brilliant, thank you and all very valid.

I think Jen has been put to bed now so her adventures wont continue. The story is based on a written RP with a friend who clearly had his own ulterior motive for the scene. Topping from the bottom ot bottoming from the top depending how you want to view the Dan character. It's taken since last Summer to workout how to retell the story. Getting into Jen's head was a challenge. Personally I would have kicked him out for being an idiot. I let the scene play out as it was a friend having fun and I really wanted to get it into a story because of the strange dynamic shift he caused.

I should have shown more negotiation. I had hoped it would be assumed Jen already had the preagreed role of protecting her girls by then showing she did work ethically when negotiating with Dan, but I was clearly not explicit enough.

And yes I took a big leap in fictional play space rules and policies, that's a clear indicator I had no damn clue how to let Dan be enough of an idiot to let the shift in dynamics happen.

When I checked the story with a couple of dungeon leaders their response was, while not perfectly correct nothing should cause too many people to be offended.

Thank you again for such constructive feedback.

 

[UsuallyPresent]

Thank you for taking the critique so well!

Huh, I'd not seen Dan's role as a deliberate choice on his part, but rather someone inexperienced and/or overrating their experience and getting in over his head, and Jen as the aggressor, setting the scene to encourage him to fuck up. I can see your take on it now you point it out - interesting!

How to let Dan be an idiot? Simple. He's human. We humans are all idiots, far too often. *wry grin*

You've also already painted the picture for his motive, getting to play under Jen. Assuming:
- her clubs are his only (or primary) outlet to his D/s side
- he's been playing solely in the dom role
- has no (or at least, extremely little) experience in the sub role
- curious/fantasizing about being switch or sub
- doesn't know how to make that fantasy happen (ego, social pressures, inexperience, shyness, ...)
I can definitely see how he could deliberately set himself up for a loss.

Jen's upping the ante to a lifetime ban IMO might have shaken him up more'n what I get out of the story as written, but it's still in the range of the probable, I think.

I am fascinated in the verisimilitude of such a messy social situation. It's a helluva great job, getting it in black & white and leaving the mess intact.