BDSM outside a committed relationship?

[bhndblueyes88]

Most real problems lack a quick solution.

 

[Sweetprey]

Honesty

To be able to be honest with yourself, and him, is the key. If you really love him, and the sex is not where you honestly"Need" it to be then that is something you must negotiate with him. I spent ten years in a sexually incompatible although loving relationship, and it finally broke the relationship. We tried, and tried, and did therapy, and had an open marriage for a time, and tried some more, but love does not always mean fulfilling sex, and fantastic sex does not always mean love.

Communication is the key, no one should have to stay in a relationship where they have no voice sexually. Nor should deceit be the route to sexual satisfaction, imho. Needs and wants matter, as does truth and acceptance, so perhaps making a fetish checklist for yourself would enable you to focus on what needs/wants/maybes are not being addressed.

Just know that seeking outside solutions to sexual problems do not address the problems only the hunger. If you address the appetites with communication then perhaps there is a solution.

 

[lovebound]

Communication is the key, no one should have to stay in a relationship where they have no voice sexually. Nor should deceit be the route to sexual satisfaction, imho. Needs and wants matter, as does truth and acceptance, so perhaps making a fetish checklist for yourself would enable you to focus on what needs/wants/maybes are not being addressed.

Just know that seeking outside solutions to sexual problems do not address the problems only the hunger. If you address the appetites with communication then perhaps there is a solution.

Thank you, that really is insightful.

 

[Sweetprey]

Judgment

Your question already has answers on so many levels, best of luck.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

That fact that the OP described his/her current relationship as loving suggests this, certainly, but we don't actually know her/his partner and/or what they deserve.

Be honest for your own sake. Living with the regret of dishonesty is hell, particularly if you do, in fact, feel for or otherwise think so highly of the person you might consider lying to.

I believe that most people deserve honesty.

 

[catalina_francisco]

You sound like you need to discuss all this with your current partner, but I would leave the 'mundane' word out of describing how you see your relationship. If it is really mundane for you, perhaps it just is not for you and instead of trying to juggle a second relationship , you might need a new one altogether.

Catalina

 

[lovebound]

You sound like you need to discuss all this with your current partner, but I would leave the 'mundane' word out of describing how you see your relationship. If it is really mundane for you, perhaps it just is not for you and instead of trying to juggle a second relationship , you might need a new one altogether.

Catalina

Valid reasoning, but as an aside I use the word "mundane" in reference to the world outside of the kink universe. I thought I'd seen it often used in such context before.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Valid reasoning, but as an aside I use the word "mundane" in reference to the world outside of the kink universe. I thought I'd seen it often used in such context before.

Yes, but if you are using it to refer to any facet of your relationship, you are expressing a negative aspect IMO. You need to be honest, and if this is how you are feeling about the relationship, outside of kink, you need to ask yourself why it appears mundane to you and if you are having your needs met. It doesn't mean anything is wrong with either of you, but it might mean together you are not happy. No relationship is exciting and perfect 100% of the time, but nor are good ones usually described as mundane. Just don't fool yourself into thinking that finding another relationship to make you happy alongside the present one will make your life less than mundane, you might find yourself disappointed and disillusioned. Just be careful...and honest.

 

[Cinner]

I've just read through all of these responses; and have to thank everyone for asking and answering these questions. My Partner saw me struggling to conform to his and the society's expectations; and so he gave me his blessing when I told him about finding Lit. The problem that I have now, is that my eyes are so wide open to the possibilities that even his generosity is no longer enough for me. I'm struggling with wanting to tell him that I need to end it with him after nearly 14 years. I have decided to hold off on this though because I realise from my reaction to several people here that I still don't know myself well enough to make life changing decisions with any confidence.

I wish you all the best Lovebound.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Cinner, let me tell suggest that you keep on putting off that declaration while you educate yourself further.

I know you think there's no time, but believe me-- there is time.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Hi all,

Have any subs/Doms out there in teh interwebs had experience with being in a committed, vanilla relationship, and finding and enjoying BDSM activities outside of it? How did you approach the subject with your vanilla partner, assuming you did?

I love my partner and have no desire to end the relationship, as mundane and vanilla as it is. BDSM activities are just not something we do with any seriousness or willingness for development, at least on my partner's side. But there are some days I worry I may never get a proper working over and the thought horrifies me. Advice?

Being involved in the poly community, I have run into several relationships like this. _My_ first BDSM relationship was much like this in that my girl was married in a fairly vanilla relationship that would not work with the two of them if they tried an M/s dynamic. But they were open to other relationships, and I was able to provide her with the M/s dynamic she needed to find balance within herself. Her husband I were friendly with one another and respected the place each held in her life. I was not intending to replace him in anyway.

But this is not something everyone will be comfortable with. It will require a lot of communication, a lot of trust, a lot of cooperation. CAN it work? Certainly. WILL it work? Who knows.

But I feel it is better to approach it openly and deal with the difficult issues that BDSM relationship may create, than to hide things and stain your conscience with the burden of shame and guilt. Those things will eat away at you, and your relationship. Read The Ethical Slut by Easton and Liszt, both of you, to help set boundaries and work through some of these issues. A rock solid primary relationship is absolutely necessary if you want to think about adding a second one.

Safe journeys,