BDSM outside a committed relationship?

[lovebound]

Hi all,

Have any subs/Doms out there in teh interwebs had experience with being in a committed, vanilla relationship, and finding and enjoying BDSM activities outside of it? How did you approach the subject with your vanilla partner, assuming you did?

I love my partner and have no desire to end the relationship, as mundane and vanilla as it is. BDSM activities are just not something we do with any seriousness or willingness for development, at least on my partner's side. But there are some days I worry I may never get a proper working over and the thought horrifies me. Advice?

 

[ecstaticsub]

I am in a very happy vanilla marriage (24 yrs) and I also am in a long-term D/s relationship (6yrs) with my dominant.

My husband has always been into wifesharing. I have been with others--mostly short-term vanilla relationships and one-night stands. I hadn't been with anyone outside of our marriage for about 8 years when I met my dominant. I wasn't really looking for anything but friendship at the time.

When I told my husband I had met someone on-line and that it may move to a in-person meeting he was cautiously thrilled. We sat down and reviewed the limits we had had previously. I wasn't planning to have a D/s relationship.

When it evolved over a few months into D/s I again brought it up to my husband. I was able to reassure him that my dominant would be respectful of the marriage and I promised to remain honest with him concerning any new developments.

The first year was a little difficult finding that balance between the three of us but I took it as being my job to figure out how to obey my dominant and keep my household running smoothly and keeping true to the promises I made to my husband.

Almost 6 years later I think we have found the balance to make everyone happy.

 

[Primalex]

Have any subs/Doms out there in teh interwebs had experience with being in a committed, vanilla relationship, and finding and enjoying BDSM activities outside of it?

Does it have to be a vanilla relationship?

I love my partner and have no desire to end the relationship, as mundane and vanilla as it is. BDSM activities are just not something we do with any seriousness or willingness for development, at least on my partner's side. But there are some days I worry I may never get a proper working over and the thought horrifies me. Advice?

Only philosophical ones, not practical.

Hmm.. maybe one practical.

*puts on flameproof vest*

Cheat to figure out the importance. If BDSM turns out to be essential, prepare to end the current relationship. If real life BDSM turns out to be suddenly not so much fun, live the rest of your life with the guilt of having cheated on your husband.

 

[CutieMouse]

I'm struggling with a massive disconnect in describing a "loving" relationship as mundane with a side of horrifingly boring sex.



Does your partner know you view your relationship as mundane and vanilla, and that the idea of a lifetime of sex with him (as it currently stands) horrified you?

I mean, yes, people have open/poly relationships and they work (and are sometimes hard work to maintain), but don't both of you deserve sexual compatibility?

 

[rosco rathbone]

I'm struggling with a massive disconnect in describing a "loving" relationship as mundane with a side of horrifingly boring sex.



Does your partner know you view your relationship as mundane and vanilla, and that the idea of a lifetime of sex with him (as it currently stands) horrified you?

I mean, yes, people have open/poly relationships and they work (and are sometimes hard work to maintain), but don't both of you deserve sexual compatibility?

I think it's possible to be in a loving relationship with horribly boring, unsatisfying sex. That's how I'd describe me & the ex. It might have been more loving if the sex had been better, but it was pretty loving.

 

[Primalex]

Does your partner know you view your relationship as mundane and vanilla, and that the idea of a lifetime of sex with him (as it currently stands) horrified you?

This rewording is not quite fair.

I mean, yes, people have open/poly relationships and they work (and are sometimes hard work to maintain), but don't both of you deserve sexual compatibility?

Considering that 99% of men are at least once in their life horrified about the idea of marriage and monogamy, I think you emphasize certain aspects of her/his posting too much. And of all the women who are horrified about turning 40 years old, only very few pick the Marilyn Monroe way.

 

[Stella_Omega]

This rewording is not quite fair.



Considering that 99% of men are at least once in their life horrified about the idea of marriage and monogamy, I think you emphasize certain aspects of her/his posting too much. And of all the women who are horrified about turning 40 years old, only very few pick the Marilyn Monroe way.

You're in one of your moods again.

 

[CutieMouse]

Okay, maybe the wording was unfair... It was a personal twitch and more of a knee jerk response from my own experiences than helpful to the OP. Apologies.

If the OP has an otherwise kick ass relationship, but the sexual excitement is lacking, the most ethical thing to do (IMO) would be discussing an open arrangement. It does work for some; however, if she gets her needs (sexual or otherwise) met elsewhere, it's only fair he gets to do the same.

 

[NomadLady]

You're in one of your moods again.

OH yes he is.....

Okay, maybe the wording was unfair... It was a personal twitch and more of a knee jerk response from my own experiences than helpful to the OP. Apologies.

If the OP has an otherwise kick ass relationship, but the sexual excitement is lacking, the most ethical thing to do (IMO) would be discussing an open arrangement. It does work for some; however, if she gets her needs (sexual or otherwise) met elsewhere, it's only fair he gets to do the same.

I can't help but think she's tried that with this one and he isn't interested, but reading between the lines isn't my best trait.

 

[SimonBrooke]

Hi all,

Have any subs/Doms out there in teh interwebs had experience with being in a committed, vanilla relationship, and finding and enjoying BDSM activities outside of it? How did you approach the subject with your vanilla partner, assuming you did?

I love my partner and have no desire to end the relationship, as mundane and vanilla as it is. BDSM activities are just not something we do with any seriousness or willingness for development, at least on my partner's side. But there are some days I worry I may never get a proper working over and the thought horrifies me. Advice?

I know a considerable number of women who are in a similar position to you, including my own plaything. Of them, one, of whom I am very fond, is deceiving her vanilla partner, because she thinks he could not understand and accept her need for transgressive sex. I have told her that I don't think she's wise about this. It might be that he could not cope with her having a kinky affair, but how much worse would it be if he found out he'd been deceived?

So if you're going to go down this route - as I say, I know a lot of women who do, most of them apparently successfully - then be honest about it. There are various ways you can negotiate that - two women I know do not have penetrative sex with their BDSM partner, only with their vanilla partner, others only play in public at clubs. I have to say neither of those arrangements would work for me if I was their BDSM bit on the side, but it clearly works for some people.

 

[lovebound]

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to post.

If the OP has an otherwise kick ass relationship, but the sexual excitement is lacking, the most ethical thing to do (IMO) would be discussing an open arrangement. It does work for some; however, if she gets her needs (sexual or otherwise) met elsewhere, it's only fair he gets to do the same.

And thanks for the rewording. The vanilla sex is far from boring and we've had some discussions about what it is from BDSM that I like, but my partner is just not that hardcore as it were.

I suppose the major dilemma for me is that I'm not too sure he would be truly comfortable with anything less than a monogamous relationship and I'm wondering how or what sort of terms I could suggest in this case. I don't know yet if I'd want to look into public play.

 

[lovebound]

*puts on flameproof vest*

Cheat to figure out the importance. If BDSM turns out to be essential, prepare to end the current relationship. If real life BDSM turns out to be suddenly not so much fun, live the rest of your life with the guilt of having cheated on your husband.

I should take a blowtorch to you for morality's sake... but I can't deny the practicality of that solution. But I'm not sure it's for me.

 

[CutieMouse]

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to post.



And thanks for the rewording. The vanilla sex is far from boring and we've had some discussions about what it is from BDSM that I like, but my partner is just not that hardcore as it were.

I suppose the major dilemma for me is that I'm not too sure he would be truly comfortable with anything less than a monogamous relationship and I'm wondering how or what sort of terms I could suggest in this case. I don't know yet if I'd want to look into public play.

See this is where I would sit down and go "Okay - how I *I* define "hard core" and how does *he* define "hard core"?" and find the middle ground. I mean, there's sex that is fun and okay and all, but just doesn't shut down my brain... and then there's sex that instantly brings the darkest parts [of me] out to play. Neither state of being is necessarily good for me; it's all about finding the middle ground.

If you need some communication tools you could try reading When Someone You Love is Kinky, or Opening Up, or The Ethical Slut, or joining the polyamorous forums at FetLife.com to discuss the issues with other people in open arrangements, but the reality of it all may be that your partner simply isn't hardwired to be non-monogamous or kinky enough for you [to both be fulfilled and happy]. If that's the case, it's a decision time sort of thing.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

Whatever you do, do it with honesty. Your partner deserves that.

 

[lovebound]

If you need some communication tools you could try reading When Someone You Love is Kinky, or Opening Up, or The Ethical Slut, or joining the polyamorous forums at FetLife.com to discuss the issues with other people in open arrangements, but the reality of it all may be that your partner simply isn't hardwired to be non-monogamous or kinky enough for you [to both be fulfilled and happy]. If that's the case, it's a decision time sort of thing.

Thank you! Those look like great resources.

 

[scraggles]

I think it's possible to be in a loving relationship with horribly boring, unsatisfying sex. That's how I'd describe me & the ex. It might have been more loving if the sex had been better, but it was pretty loving.

OMG... been there done that and NO T-shirt to show for it either LOL...cheated with a Dom ..hubby found out... lawyers... and legal seperation ....and now happier that I decided to embrace and enjoy the full time D/s lifestyle..no regrets except wish I had been more direct with Ex Hubby about how unhappy I was with our marriage.
Each one of us has to find our own way to what is 'Our Happiness"

 

[Hiliburn]

Hi all,

Have any subs/Doms out there in teh interwebs had experience with being in a committed, vanilla relationship, and finding and enjoying BDSM activities outside of it? How did you approach the subject with your vanilla partner, assuming you did?

I love my partner and have no desire to end the relationship, as mundane and vanilla as it is. BDSM activities are just not something we do with any seriousness or willingness for development, at least on my partner's side. But there are some days I worry I may never get a proper working over and the thought horrifies me. Advice?

wow, I could have posted that word for word!
thank God for the internet to explore more of my interest

 

[Etoile]

Whatever you do, do it with honesty. Your partner deserves that.

This.

 

[lovebound]

wow, I could have posted that word for word!
thank God for the internet to explore more of my interest

I knew I wasn't alone!

 

[lovebound]

Whatever you do, do it with honesty. Your partner deserves that.

Absolutely.

 

[Maidinusa]

I've done my thing secretly for years, I don't know any other way

 

[Etoile]

I've done my thing secretly for years, I don't know any other way

Well, hopefully you're having safe sex...

 

[Emerald_Lilly]

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to post.

And thanks for the rewording. The vanilla sex is far from boring and we've had some discussions about what it is from BDSM that I like, but my partner is just not that hardcore as it were.

I suppose the major dilemma for me is that I'm not too sure he would be truly comfortable with anything less than a monogamous relationship and I'm wondering how or what sort of terms I could suggest in this case. I don't know yet if I'd want to look into public play.

wow, wow, wow... i could have written this myself! i love hubby but he does not enjoy sex in the same way i do. his "kinks" and mine are vastly different. i wish i had known myself better, and accepted my needs more when i was younger and making decisions that effected the rest of my life. i am just figuring myself out now. Lit is helping me. Talking to others in similar situations is helping me. Right now i have a long-distance relationship with my Mistress. Hubby knows about it and is generally ok with it. But if he didn't, i think i would be back in the "can i really suppress these needs in myself?" mode of self-analysis and i have to say that i don't know that i can anymore. (nor do i want to).

 

[ultimatefntsy]

It came down to this for me:
Which will I regret more? 1) Staying faithful and never getting a chance to explore the submissive side of my personality or, 2) Taking the chance and seeing to my needs.

I did what was best for me after answering these questions honestly for myself.

Best of luck! There is no easy answer here.

 

[lovebound]

wow, wow, wow... i could have written this myself! i love hubby but he does not enjoy sex in the same way i do. his "kinks" and mine are vastly different. i wish i had known myself better, and accepted my needs more when i was younger and making decisions that effected the rest of my life. i am just figuring myself out now. Lit is helping me. Talking to others in similar situations is helping me. Right now i have a long-distance relationship with my Mistress. Hubby knows about it and is generally ok with it. But if he didn't, i think i would be back in the "can i really suppress these needs in myself?" mode of self-analysis and i have to say that i don't know that i can anymore. (nor do i want to).

I'm far enough in that I feel like I'm already past that chance for exploration, though we aren't married. But I don't feel like an online connection would be enough, or else I'd definitely explore that route. It's the flesh on flesh (or leather on flesh or rope on flesh... You know) I need which makes my situation all the more difficult. :s I don't think there is a quick solution here.