BDSM: Lifestyle or Sex?

[MLadyPain]

Curious as to how folks here see bdsm - as a lifestyle or kinky sex?

I consider myself a lifestyler - I'm open and out, my family and work knows, most of my social contacts are like minded folks, even my vanilla friends know (and accept or wouldn't be friends). I rarely have sex as part of a scene (hell, I rarely have sex - can count on both hands how many times in the last 3 years).

And to be honest, I used to look down a bit at folks who were into the "kinky sex" aspect. I was appalled that they still had such trival needs such as genital orgasms. BDSM, to me, was supposed to be mental, spiritual, psychological, and emotional.

BUT... I've come to realize, damn it - I really like sex and why can't it be a part of my bdsm life? Why am I feeling so guilty about wanting to be fucked after a good scene? Why won't I ask for some physical comfort during a scene? I'm not talking random encounters. I'd still reserve any sexual activity to partners with whom I'm somewhat "involved".

So... what is bdsm to you? a way of life? or wonderful kinky sex? both? thoughts? opinions?

MLP

 

[Never]

MladyPain:
"I was appalled that they still had such trival needs such as genital orgasms."

OMG, that's shocking. There are people who want orgasms?! I had no idea those types of people still existed. It goes to show you how messed up we've become as a country that those types of people are allowed to practice their genital orgasmic perversions.

When will we as a nation learn that true happiness can only be had through community service, bake sales, and being flogged at least once a week?

 

[Etoile]

It's both to me. I feel very much like a submissive all the time, but when I'm not with a lover I'm not as willing to give up all choice. My relationship with my top is not my primary relationship, but if it were I would definitely be a 24/7 submissive, it would become my total lifestyle. (I want this very much, but I am not leaving my girlfriend. It's just if she were not at all in the picture, that's what it would be like.)

As for being open and out...I am not so much. My girlfriend knows, of course (she is a little bit toppish, but not very much so), as does my top (!). There are a few friends who know too. My parents definitely do not know, though when I was a teenager and went through their sex cabinet I found a copy of a magazine called Bound Bimbos!

The idea of not having sex as part of a scene is alien to me. I'm not very experienced outside my relationship with my top, though the two of us have done quite a bit together.

Great topic, I'm looking forward to seeing what others have to say.

 

[SpectreT]

Hrm...

All. Nothing. Both, and everything in between. It's part of who and what I am, and colors nearly every aspect of my existence in ways I'm still just beginning to understand. It's only part of my sexual expression in a committed relationship, something which I'm not currently in.

And orgasms are a part of my life, too. I don't see any call to separate the two.

That's my opinion, anyway

 

[Never]

Yah see, now I feel bad because you're a new person, asking serious and important questions and I'm just cracking jokes. Not a lot of bad, but a little bad.

I'm still a babe in the woods compared to many on this board. I've had sex with one person and the most I know about BDSM I've learned from this board and HBO specials that seemed more interested in showing pictures of women in black leather welding whips than any serious exploration of the subject. – Oh, and some anime.

So, baring in mind the fact that I'm just going on my feelings here, how does having good sex or asking for physical comfort take away from BDSM being a mental, spiritual, psychological, and emotional? People who are into health food like to munch down on burgers and shakes once in awhile. People who consider themselves professionals don't always feel the need to wear three-piece suits.

There are no ridged rules when it comes to being who you are, especially when it comes to desire. Having a desire that doesn't fit in perfectly with your lifestyle doesn't take away from it. In fact, if it fulfils your needs it enhances your lifestyle. Unless you're in some contest to be the perfect sub or dom/me where you get a fabulous cash prize for winning you're not doing yourself any favors by denying yourself.

BDSM doesn't have to be option A or B. It can be a little of both, or more at one time and less at another. Or, it can be option C. Whatever works for you and your partner.

Anywho, I'm rambling so. Those are my thoughts.

 

[Etoile]

My top and I have an interesting take on physical comfort...I have arthritis, so there's an unwritten agreement that I always have to be able to move enough to stretch and flex joints (which does not give me much wiggle room for anything else!). If I'm bent over somewhere being subjected to something, I'm always allowed to pause briefly to stretch a knee or flex an ankle, that kind of thing. Actually, one of my top's more amusing ways to torture me is to stretch the joints that don't want to be stretched! All I can do is sit there and whimper as one joint after another goes POP! Same thing goes for my back, I can't be strung up or forced to arch or whatever for too long...I'm always allowed a chance to fix up my joints before going back into the arch or whatever.

Wow, I babble a lot.

 

[MissTaken]

Hrm...

All. Nothing. Both, and everything in between. It's part of who and what I am, and colors nearly every aspect of my existence in ways I'm still just beginning to understand. It's only part of my sexual expression in a committed relationship, something which I'm not currently in.

And orgasms are a part of my life, too. I don't see any call to separate the two.

That's my opinion, anyway

A grand ditto!

Submission colors every aspect of my life. That isn't to say that I am an introvert or spineless when assertivenes is necessary.

It is to say that submission colors every aspect of my life!

I will add more later as I am very tired and not bound to make a lot of sense!

Good thread!

 

[WriterDom]

Until I find a lifetime partner, it's more kinky sex than lifestyle. I think in any relationship where there is forced time apart, more focus is on sex. Ultimately, I'm looking for the best of both worlds. I think the saddest thing is when someone is living two separate lives. Like a submissive I knew last year who only found out her married Master died because a friend read it in the obituaries.

 

[Guest]

BDSM is both lifestyle and sex.
BDSM is a lifestyle without sex.
BDSM is sex.
Do you see what I'm getting at?
It's different for each person.
I have witnessed D/s relationships that never included sexual acts. I have seen kink partners that yearn only for S&M acts.
It's relative. And, it's life. Unique with a myriad of definitions.

 

[cymbidia]

So... what is bdsm to you? a way of life? or wonderful kinky sex? both? thoughts? opinions?

MLP

Well! What a fabulous question!

I've been actively involved with BDSM sexuality, and claimed it as my primary sexual focus, for more than 30 years. In that time, the actual doing of BDSM has changed and evolved.

Long before the net, back in the mid-1970's, for example, when i started this, the depth of knowledge we take for granted as immediately available today simply didn't exist. There was no widespread understanding by anyone who did this back then of BDSM's historical aspects. There were no books like Screw The Roses, Give Me The Thorns or The Bottoming Book or The Ethical Slut or any of the rest of the widely read and readily available books we all know about today.

Back then, there was no net, no concept of a net - heck, instant teller machines at banks were still a new thing then. There were no openly published magazines in which one could read about BDSM, no BDSM clubs, nothing at all ever on TV about it. (Would they have shown it before or after I Dream of Jeannie do you think?) There were a few, a very few, highly secret and underground print publications into which one could place BDSM personals-type ads for like-minded partners but that's all.

If you didn't know people in your immediate geographic community who did BDSM, then you were screwed. Nilla-screwed, not kinky-screwed.

Back then, we just did it. And sexual play was definitely a part of "it", too, at least in my area.

So it has always been for me.

I'm not a bottom. Never been a bottom. I'm not in it for just the sensation play.

I'm a masosub. A masochistic submissive. For a long time, i've described myself to new partners as an "emotional vampire" of sorts. The energy that flows between my dominant and me is of urgent and overriding importance to me. I feed off it. I return to my partner what i am given, magnified and illuminated by my reactions to the sharing. And it's sexual, this energy, it's definitely sexual in nature.

For me, in my life, BDSM...D/s...whatever...is inextricably bound up in the place where my emotions, sexuality, and intellect all converge. Even in public play situations, not my favorite place to play since the energy flow i crave is so focused and intimate, i am submissive, not a bottom, and my submission in scene is always sexually based.

So it has always been.
I'm comfy with things there, too.


I'm a BDSM lifestyler. I've sacrificed to be able to stand up tall and live my life, including expressing my needs, without any lying about who or what i am. My mother knows, my doctor knows, my ex-husband knows (which is part of the reason he's my ex-husband) and i'm out in my local community. In my life, there's no need for me to be militant about my BDSM involvement, though, and force people who may not be comfy with the idea into choosing between me or their discomfort - but if i were asked, i would be truthful about this side of myself.

Good question!

 

[Etoile]

cym, your post was fascinating to me. I'm still processing some parts of it. I have got one question.

I'm not a bottom. Never been a bottom. I'm not in it for just the sensation play.

What definition of bottom is this?

 

[Svedish_Chef]

Its a brilliant question, and personally the idea of BSDM without some sexual activity seems a little short of gratification for me. Or at least extended foreplay without the right climax...but others have different needs.

 

[cellis]

Before I knew it had a name it was a part of my sex life....


It still is...

 

[RisiaSkye]

I agree with T, as happens fairly often. To me, it's Both/And but also Neither. BDSM is sex, lifestyle, sexual style, non-sexual emotional relationship, philosophy, goal, model, and conversation. And it is more, or less, to everyone who has an interest in or desire for it.

 

[KestralWolfe]

Erm......BDSM is another aspect of me. It's built-in, came with the package. My every waking hour is not filled with kinky activities or Dominating someone, but it is a large part of my life. I'd have to agree with da chef, though....BDSM without some kind of sensual/sexual contact is very unfulfilling for me. I'm not as highly sexual as this may make me out to be, but it is hard, during/after a scene, not to have some sort of sensual/sexual contact. But that's just me. And, as we have seen many times, everyone's view on BDSM is different. Whatever strokes your goat.

Namaste

 

[MLadyPain]

Wonderful Answers!!!

Thank you Everyone for the good answers!!!

ok, like there was a wrong or bad answer LOL

This is topic that gets tossed around time to time in the local community. I wondered what other folks thought about it.

Now I know

better informed,
MLP

 

[monster666]

Never,

I like you.

MladyPain:
"I was appalled that they still had such trival needs such as genital orgasms."

OMG, that's shocking. There are people who want orgasms?! I had no idea those types of people still existed. It goes to show you how messed up we've become as a country that those types of people are allowed to practice their genital orgasmic perversions.

When will we as a nation learn that true happiness can only be had through community service, bake sales, and being flogged at least once a week?

 

[Sandia]

...monster... dammit... ya stole my line... and my number too.

but i think she might be a lesbian...

I vote for number C. "Kinky sex" sounds too much like "just sex."
And "lifestyle," well, except in bed, I'm not dominant at all...

So C.

Edited to add: MLP, thank you for raising the question.

Sandia.

 

[Never]

I have something to confess..
I only hang around here so I can tell all my friends about hanging around here and therefore increase my coolness level.

I typically kink drop. "Well, I don't know how you feel but my friend the D!O!M!I!N!A!T!R!I!X! said she thought Babylon 5 was way better than Deep Space Nine."

"So this SUB that I met at a porn site told me I should never stick my bras in the drier."

 

[CarolineOh]

I have something to confess..
I only hang around here so I can tell all my friends about hanging around here and therefore increase my coolness level.

I typically kink drop. "Well, I don't know how you feel but my friend the D!O!M!I!N!A!T!R!I!X! said she thought Babylon 5 was way better than Deep Space Nine."

"So this SUB that I met at a porn site told me I should never stick my bras in the drier."

I do something similar. I was just saying to someone "Well, I know the definition of a counterculture, a lesbian pointed a gun at me and explained it."

 

[Never]

Bet the person thought you were tres chic after that, no?

 

[CarolineOh]

Bet the person thought you were tres chic after that, no?

But of course. My social standing has never been higher.

 

[Sandia]

I have something to confess..
I only hang around here so I can tell all my friends about hanging around here and therefore increase my coolness level.

I typically kink drop. "Well, I don't know how you feel but my friend the D!O!M!I!N!A!T!R!I!X! said she thought Babylon 5 was way better than Deep Space Nine."

"So this SUB that I met at a porn site told me I should never stick my bras in the drier."

Never, I'm in love with you now.

And Caroline, I've always loved you.

 

[Never]

You've fallen in love with me in four days? That's got to be a record.

 

[Sandia]

Oh, come on, Never. Don't play like that. We both know it happens to you all the time. (smile)