BDSM humor

[myinnerslut]

i've been a bit of a downer lately with the heart problems thread, and too busy to post much besides, so to make up for it i present to you: BDSM humor. sorry they tend to be a bit long.

please add your own as well. there are those of you out there that always post jokes that have me cracking up. you know who you are. yes, you. i want to see some contributions please.


That Don't Impress Me Much

Author: killa and Rick's_miria © 2002 from leathernroses.com

sung to the Shania Twang song of the same name



I've known a few Doms who thought they were pretty smart
But you've got being wrong down to an art
You think you're smart
But you're really a troll
You're a regular wannabe, a know-it-all

uh oh you think you're something special,
uh oh just cause you read Castlerealm
that don't impress me much!
OH so you're a Master then?
That don't impress me much!

So ya got the whips but have ya got the cuffs?
Now don't get me wrong yeah your dungeons alright,
but that wont warm my butt on a long lonely night
that don't impress me much!

Well I never met a Dom who carried clamps in his pocket
and a length of chain just in case,
now I cant believe you kiss your rack at night
C'mon baby tell me -- you must be jokin', right!

uh oh you think you're something special,
uh oh just 'cos you read Castlerealm.
that don't impress me much!
OH so you're a Master then?
That don't impress me much!

Okay, so you're a Marquis DeSade
That don't impress me much
So you got the pain but have you got the touch
Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright.
but that wont warm my butt on a long lonely night
that don't impress me much!

You're one of those Doms who likes to shine up his cross.
You make me take off my clamps before you let me get on
I can't believe you kiss your rack good night
C'mon baby tell me -- you must be jokin', right!

uh oh you think you're something special,
uh oh just cos you read Castlerealm
that don't impress me much!
OH so you're a Master then?
That don't impress me much!

Okay, so you've got a flogger
That don't impress me much
So you got the moves but have you got the touch
Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright
but that wont warm my butt on a long lonely night

That don't impress me much
You think you're cool but have you got the ice
Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright
but that wont warm my butt on a long lonely night
That don't impress me much

Okay, so what do you think you're DeSade or something
Wish that hurt
That don't impress me much.....

 

[myinnerslut]

World's Shortest BDSM Manuals
Author: Alkallah © 1998 from leathernroses.com

· My Experiences in the Scene by Eva A. Wannabe
· Polish Rope Bondage
· Lorena Bobbit's Guide to CBT
· Personal Limits by Dennis Rodman
· Bullwhip Mastery in 5 Minutes by Ima Dreamin
· Being Submissive by Bill Gates
· The SAM's Book of Manners
· Domming for Dummies
· Medical Play by Jack Kevorkian, M.D.
· Cooking with Scat
· People I Would Never Play With by Madonna
· My Life in Drag by Rev. Jerry Falwell
· Out of the Closet: The Politician's Guide to Public Perversion
· Brilliant Career Moves by Marv Albert
· Disney's Guide to Wholesome Family Perversions
· Erotic Strangulation by the Boston Strangler
· Fisting Safely by Captain Hook
· The Pervert's Guide to Right Wing Acceptance
· The Fine Art of Negotiation by Howie Dodat
· My Kinky Lovers by Van Ila
· Safe and Easy Knife Play by Vincent Van Gogh
· Safe, Sane and Consensual Kinks by Ted Bundy
· Inescapable Bondage by Harry Houdini
· Consensual Biting by Mike Tyson
· Acceptable Kinks by John Paul II
· Polyamorous Marriages by Mother Theresa
· You Too Can Be A Gorean Slave Girl by Hillary Clinton
· Corset Training - How to Get The Figure That Drives Men Wild by Roseanne Arnold Barr
· Dominance - Your Attitude is Everything by Steven Wright
· Consensual Non-consensuality by Monica Lewinsky

 

[myinnerslut]

The Top 10 Most Commonly Found Doms online:

1. The 'I Am Dom Hear Me Roar' Dom: All shiny new leather wear, with a belt full of toys (just bought at Jack's Whip-O-Rama). Of *course* he knows what to do! He read SM101...and even watched Exit To Eden three whole times!

2. The 'I Just Wanna Get Laid' Dom: Roams the halls of AOL sending IMs to the ladies in the Chateaux telling them "On your knees! I am a Dom and U R my slave!". When he gets irate IMs back from the Domme he just sent to by mistake (what, read a profile? you *must* be kidding, right?), he quickly changes his tune to "R U a FDom? I am your slave! May I lick your boots?".

3. The 'Dungeon Slut' Dom: Has a new 'lady love' each day (sometimes 2 or 3 a day). He swears each time that *this* one is his 'eternal true love'....at least for the next two hours.

4. The 'Psycho-Stalker' Dom: Wants to know *exactly* what you do...every minute of the day and night. Insists on BCCs of all sent mail, and Forwards of all read mail, wants access to your account to check up on you. Do you get the feeling that someone is watching you? With this one, you're probably right.

5. The 'I Just Wanna Be Your *Friend*' Dom: Offers to guide you and protect you....you innocent sweet thing you. Oh, those other 10 subs? Just friends. Really.

6. The 'Of Course I'm Dom...Uh Oh My Wife Is Home Gotta Run' Dom: Warning signs: Picks 'no response' on marital status in profile. "No honey you can't call me at home...call my voice mail instead". Often disappears in the middle of a hot n heavy cyber session...uses an excuse like 'my power went out' when asked about it. "Of *course* I'm not married!"

7. The 'I'm Not *That* Type Of Dom' Dom: Squeaky-clean image. The type of Dom that everyone *knows* is a good guy. He would never do something less than up-front and honorable.
Uh-huh.

8. The 'Tom Cruise' Dom: He's young, rich, handsome and perfect....until you meet him in person. Then you find out that the 'Tom Cruise look-alike' you've been subbing to is 5'4", 400 lbs, bald, 48 years old, and living with his elderly mother. (Oh yeah... and he works as a clerk at 7-11...not as a CEO
of a 'major corp').

9. The 'Alex I'd Like to Buy a Clue For $200' Dom: Ok, now you've got a sub....now what?

10. The 'I Don't Have A Sub Bone In My Body' Dom: Really a bottom at heart, just refuses to admit it...even to himself.

 

[CurlyKat]

Captain Hook... *cringe*

Way too funny, though!

 

[myinnerslut]

http://moderatelyfunny.com/comics/DMV.png

 

[myinnerslut]

http://images.icanhascheezburger.com/completestore/2008/12/6/128731040116187487.jpg

 

[ZRT]

· My Life in Drag by Rev. Jerry Falwell
· Erotic Strangulation by the Boston Strangler

Those two might actually turn out to be longer books than you might think.

My personal favorite would have to be:

· Brilliant Career Moves by Marv Albert

 

[graceanne]

There's a manners book for SAMS?



Well, too bad. I won't read it. So there.

 

[notalwaysweak]

There's a manners book for SAMS?



Well, too bad. I won't read it. So there.

The pages are blank, save for a few cookie crumbs and smears of chocolate.