BDSM Humor

[SirLeo]

Somone posted a pun the other day, that went something along the lines of subbies getting horny when they hit the "submit button" when posting. I do their post no justice and apologize in advance. Still I chuckled really hard when I read it and thought a BDSM humor thread would be a good thing. So here it is, an invite to silly puns, jokes, stories etc. that poke fun at ourselves and our world.

Thanks in advance.

 

[luvitlong]

Hey little sub girl
the master wants to fiddle
with a cat and a paddle
on a sub unable to move
the master laughed
to see the sub's tears
and flogged her 'till she swooned

 

[WriterDom]

When does a switch go from sub to Dom?


When the switch is switched.

 

[SirLeo]

Heh Heh

Its working already! Thanks.

 

[CheekyBoots]

Ok, I know there are several threads like this already on Lit, but I sure as heck can't find them. Hehe, so here's my contribution... Well, not mine; I'm just the copy-paster.
------------------------------------------------------------

You know you're kinky when...

...you keep fake hanging plants around the house, just so your mother will never know what all those hooks in the ceiling are really for

...someone refers to a serial killer as sadistic and you roll your eyes, because the man has nothing on you.

...you realized you've charged more in lingerie than you get paid in a year

...you have more toys than your kids

...you take up macrame, just to learn some new knots

...your favorite dessert is hot crossed buns...and you don't eat sweets

...someone says they have a leatherman, you almost say "me too!" before you realize they are talking about the tool gadget on their belt.

...you are on a first-name basis with all the local EMT's.

...you have the closest 24 hour locksmith as #1 on your speed dial list.

...you speak of crop rotation with someone, and they aren't a farmer.

...you try to get arrested, just for the handcuffs , body cavity search, humiliation scene and time in the cage.

...Avon tells you stop writing, they are not going to make eau d'leather aftershave

...you haunt the dollar stores for "pervertibles"

...you've got a toy chest bigger than the one in your 6 year old son's room.

...your children ask if they can borrow your "costumes" for Halloween.

...your body piercings set off the metal detectors at the court house.

...you need two separate packing and moving crews....one to pack and move the furniture and belongings, and the other to pack and move the "furniture" and "belongings".

...escape artists come to you for advice.

...you say Vanilla like it's a bad word.

...you spend more time on your knees than a Catholic priest.

...you consider filing a lawsuit for false advertising when the pizza place has a sign for HOT GREEK-STYLE SUBS.

...there's enough rope in your bedroom to scale Mt. Everest.

...you find yourself wandering through the wax museum's medieval torture chamber making comments like "gimme a break, my Dom's grandmother could get out of that!"

...getting tattooed and pierced is merely foreplay.

...the first thing you check when looking for a new car is whether the trunk can hold a bound submissive or two.

...you take advantage of the needle exchange program in your city and you have never used intravenous drugs in your entire life.

...you fake injuries just so you can replenish the medical play kit from the ER.

...you can accurately convert horsepower to #ponygirls harnessed.

...someone calls your wife a slut and you thank them.

...nose to the grindstone is an orgasmic abrasion fantasy.

...investing in stocks and bonds means refurbishing the play area.

...your children think your primary language is acronyms.

...your toilet seat is leather.

...your children are named Dom, SAM, Sissy, and Autoerotic Asphyxiation.

- Citibank calls you because someone used your credit card to make a huge purchase at a tack shop in another state, and they know that you live in a metropolitan area and don't own a horse.

- You make your vacation destination decisions based on that area's Assault and Battery, Consent, and Sexual Deviance laws.

- Your son's Boy Scout Troop thinks you are way cool because you helped them earn their merit badge for knot tying.

 

[Breaker_Morant]

"A masochist walked up to a sadist, and said 'Hurt me'. The sadist said 'No' and walked away."

from Harlet Minx's signature

 

[luvitlong]

Top Ten Ways You Know You Might Be Too Old For BDSM:

10. Sensory deprivation is when your Dom hides your hearing aid batteries.
9. Your nipple clamps have training wheels.
8. Edge play is standing by the microwave with a pacemaker.
7. When you tell your sub to get the cane, you have to specify "walking" or "beating".
6. You can't tell the difference between your tattoos and your age spots.
5. You shout "One, two, three, CLEAR!" for electrical play.
4. Your idea of breath play is when your wheelchair runs over your oxygen hose.
3. Your idea of suspension is an UltraLift™ bra.
2. You hold the paddle and say, "You're younger than me....back into the paddle....HARD!"
And the Number One way to tell you might be too old for BDSM:

1. Age play really is 24/7.

 

[CheekyBoots]

Top Ten Ways You Know You Might Be Too Old For BDSM:

10. Sensory deprivation is when your Dom hides your hearing aid batteries.
9. Your nipple clamps have training wheels.
8. Edge play is standing by the microwave with a pacemaker.
7. When you tell your sub to get the cane, you have to specify "walking" or "beating".
6. You can't tell the difference between your tattoos and your age spots.
5. You shout "One, two, three, CLEAR!" for electrical play.
4. Your idea of breath play is when your wheelchair runs over your oxygen hose.
3. Your idea of suspension is an UltraLift™ bra.
2. You hold the paddle and say, "You're younger than me....back into the paddle....HARD!"
And the Number One way to tell you might be too old for BDSM:

1. Age play really is 24/7.

Oh oh, these are priceless!!! Made my day!!!!

 

[SirLeo]

Why did the stupid but very obeidient subbie get his hand bit at the zoo? His Dom told him to spank the monkey!

 

[luvitlong]

Sue and Sally meet at their Basildon High School class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.


Sue says "It's OK. We fuck every night , but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"


Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."


Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have quessed that you would go for that."


"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He Snores while I Masturbate."

 

[kinky_caligirl]

Top Ten Ways You Know You Might Be Too Old For BDSM:

10. Sensory deprivation is when your Dom hides your hearing aid batteries.
9. Your nipple clamps have training wheels.
8. Edge play is standing by the microwave with a pacemaker.
7. When you tell your sub to get the cane, you have to specify "walking" or "beating".
6. You can't tell the difference between your tattoos and your age spots.
5. You shout "One, two, three, CLEAR!" for electrical play.
4. Your idea of breath play is when your wheelchair runs over your oxygen hose.
3. Your idea of suspension is an UltraLift™ bra.
2. You hold the paddle and say, "You're younger than me....back into the paddle....HARD!"
And the Number One way to tell you might be too old for BDSM:

1. Age play really is 24/7.

I can't stop giggling.

 

[lovebound]

I love this thread!! More please!

 

[ImOnIt]

you can accurately convert horsepower to #ponygirls harnessed

snorted

 

[SweetMystery]

One day Mom was cleaning junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.
She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

 

[lovebound]

One day Mom was cleaning junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.
She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

Ahahahahahahaha. Classic.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

What do you call a bull in the middle of a field spanking his monkey?


Beef Stroganoff.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

OK, so maybe not BDSM specific... but totally silly-har-har condom reminders...


1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her

 

[satindesire]

OK, so maybe not BDSM specific... but totally silly-har-har condom reminders...


1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her

Holy crap I love that.

 

[Chiara_searches]

OK, so maybe not BDSM specific... but totally silly-har-har condom reminders...


1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her

Thank [the deity or dogma of your choice] that I never again have to say "no glove no love." Thank you for expanding my vocabulary.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious.
>
> He had been hearing quite a bit about 'making out'
> from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and
> how it was done.
>
> One day he took his question to his mother, who
> became rather flustered. Instead of explaining
> things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the
> curtains one night and watch his older sister and
> her boyfriend.
>
> This he did. The following morning, Johnny described
> EVERYTHING to his mother.
>
> "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while,
> then he turned off most of the lights. Then he
> started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must
> be getting sick, because her face started looking
> funny.
>
>
> He must have thought so too, because he put his hand
> inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way
> the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the
> doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding
> her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because
> pretty soon both of them started panting and getting
> all out of breath.
>
> His other hand must have been cold because he put it
> under her skirt.
>
> About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and
> sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end
> of the couch. This was when her fever started. I
> knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt
> really hot.
>
> Finally, I found out what was making them so
> sick......-a big eel ;had gotten inside his pants
> somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood
> there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he
> grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.
>
> When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her eyes got
> big, and her mouth fell open, and she started
> calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it
> was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell
> her about the ones down at the lake by our house!
>
> Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by
> biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it
> with both hands and held it tight while he took a
> muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the
> eel's head to keep it from biting again.
>
> Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a
> scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of
> the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight.
>
> Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend
> almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill
> the eel by squashing it between them.
>
> After a while they both quit moving and gave a great
> sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they
> killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there,
> limp, and some of its insides were hanging out.
>
> Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the
> battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He
> started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the
> eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started
> to fight again.
>
> I guess eels are like cats- they have nine lives or
> something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to
> kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute
> struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was
> dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin
> off and flush it down the toilet.

 

[midwestyankee]

Two submissive women ran into a handsome dominant. You'd think at least one of them would have seen him.

 

[shy slave]

Great thread idea SirLeo

Breaker & Loveit - thank you. Those will have me giggling for quite a while

 

[ImOnIt]

My ex-wife had this really weird fetish. She liked to dress up like herself then act like a bitch all the time.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

For a thread that's been hanging around here for three years, this doesn't get a whole lot of posts... but it's still fun to see it pop up to the top every once in a while.