BDSM for Undergrads

[Nameless_Rose]

Hi all! I'm 18, almost 19, a submissive, and I'm starting my sophomore year at a small liberal arts college in August. I discovered the lifestyle in January and was amazed to find that there were people who actually did the things I'd fantasized about since puberty ( ; Since then, I've been doing as much exploring as is possible online.

I'd like to get involved in the scene in real time, but it's rather difficult because when I'm at school I have no means of transportation, and when I'm home, I have to deal with overprotective parents. I've also been having problems with the types of people who have been contacting me on the BDSM personals site which I've joined. I sometimes get the feeling that a lot of the people who contact me just have a Lolita fetish and are only interested because of my age. Another problem I have is that some people seem to think that I can easily be manipulated because of my inexperience. My last and most frustrating problem is that I get the feeling that experienced Doms don't take me seriously. My youth seems to disqualify me from from being a "true" submissive.

Do any of you younger subs and Dom/mes out there have similar problems? What have your experiences in the BDSM world been like? Do you have any wisdom to share? Also, you older subs and Dom/mes, do you have any advice which you could dish out to us? I'd love to hear from anyone who feels like responding.

 

[graceanne]

you can't be the only one at your school with this problem. Start your own group.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'd hold off on the starting your own group idea for now as you are young (not a negative) with your life ahead of you and by starting a group, you are basically outing yourself and possibly jeopardising your future career path. You could try going to a munch or such if so inclined and you find one local enough...not such a big risk of outing as anyone you meet there is presumably also of the same interests, but could still be a slight risk if they have nothing to lose by outing you (and thus themselves).

You will find lots of people who have a problem with age, whether it be too young, too old or any number of other reasons. The trick is to not give up, stick to what you want, and don't settle for anything else. And yes, there are going to be many who are hung up on the Lolita thing, but you seem clued in enough to protect yourself against those. Don't be in a hurry, enjoy the journey, and as annoyingly protective as your parents may be, remember they are that way because they love you and want to do whatever they can to ensure you get to a ripe old age in one happy piece.

Catalina

 

[WriterDom]

First thing, and I guess you figured it out, that online creepsters are probably in the majority. The age thing is going to be a problem if you are looking for a 20 year old Dom. Maybe write down what qualities you are looking for and make your search more specific. Those outside of what you want, you can immediately ignore. Figure on kissing a few frogs before you find your Prince. In the meantime continue to educate yourself about bdsm. you seem very mature and bright for 18. I'm sure one day you'll find what you are looking for.

I'd suggest also buddying up with an experienced pyl just to bounce things off of and to get advice. We have a pretty good group here. I'm sure anyone would help you.

 

[myinnerslut]

(warning: bottled up feelings being let out)
im 19 and a junior in college. i got active in the lifestyle when i was 17. i completly understand how being young seems like a negative thing sometimes. ive dealt with people who thought i wasnt a "real" sub becuase of my age. ive dealt with people who thought that just because i was younger then them, they knew more then me, even though i had more real time experience. ive heard people tell me its just a phase, and ive seen people completly dismiss me despite the fact that i had a valid point to make or was more then qualified to be in the discussion.

without knowing your career of choice, i would advise not making a group, and being careful with who you tell. im not telling you to be paranoid, im just saying that people can be close minded and depending on what you plan to do with your life, you may not want others to know your opinions on BDSM. for eample, im studying to be a teacher. big no-no for the world to know that thier child's teacher likes being tied up and beaten. its information better kept to a cricle of close friends then left to the general public.

also, if you have questions about beng young and involved in BDSM, feel free to PM me

 

[FurryFury]

I'm going to be honest and say that whenever anyone says that they are 18 or 19 I always wonder if they are really even that old. My one worry about younger people has to do with legalities and the entrapment, which hunt sort of things going on right now.

"True" anything doesn't usually mean anything or rather it means many things to many people and therefore means nothing specific.

It has little to do with age in any case.

That's just my opinion.

 

[Netzach]

I was too busy for more than quickies most of senior year anyway. BDSM takes more time space and privacy than dorm life shared house life allows. And that's fine, it's still there over the summer and after you graduate. But I could be grumpy because I didn't get into any really weird orgy like situations like one is supposed to.

 

[Literotti]

Re: BDSM for undergrads

Take it from me. I've been doing this since I was 19. Just because we are living in a different time than when I grew up, it is still not easy connecting with those who are most compatible with you.

At least you have the benefit of the Internet, which I didn't have when I started out. But I think the best idea would be to find a local munch group. Munches (derived from the German "burgermunch") are get togethers at local eating places or pubs, where like-minded people can talk freely, and in a social setting, about our interest in BDSM and D/S. Becoming involved in local social activities will enable you to meet with others who DO have a reputation in the community. Those of us who are reputable and known to the community will most likely not engage in any activity that is not consensual or dangerous.

Do a Google search to find BDSM munches in or near the city in which you live. If you are in an area that doesn't have local munches, you might have to travel to find one, but they are going on throughout the USA.

If you meet people on the Internet, just beware of their intentions, and take a reasonable amount of time to get to know them before you engage in anything of a physical nature.

Please be careful and good luck!

Phil

 

[be_ignited]

I just wanted to pop in and say hello. I'm 19 and I've encountered many of the same problems you have (and judging by your profile (I hope this doesn't make you think I'm an internet stalker) we've got a lot of the same interests). Add to that that most of my friends having only an inkling as to my kinkier side and I felt pretty isolated. Lit's been a great resource and everyone here has been very helpful.

Sara

 

[myinnerslut]

i assure you furry, i really am 19

as for the idea of finding a local munch, just be aware that a lot of muches or groups require people to be 21 for legal reasons. not all of them do, and if you can find one that allows people under 21 go for it, but it may take some searching.

i've found anything within an hour and a half of my school requires you to be 21, and an hour and a half is a long drive for someone who has no car.

 

[Nameless_Rose]

Furry, I too am 18 (well, almost 19), and I would provide credentials if I wasn't afraid that someone would see them and decide it would be fun to stalk the nice teenager. I do agree with you, though, that some people do play the age card in order to get attention. That being said, you also have women pretending to be men, men pretending to be women, etc,etc,etc. Anyway, what I'm trying to point out is that you can never be sure that the person you're chatting with is who they say they are until you actually talk to them, and that goes for everyone, not just people who claim to be 18. Again, I agree completely that a good number of people like to play on the Lolita fetish, and that just makes it hard for those of us who really are that young.

And don't worry, be-ignited, I don't think you're a stalker ( :

 

[FurryFury]

Furry, I too am 18 (well, almost 19), and I would provide credentials if I wasn't afraid that someone would see them and decide it would be fun to stalk the nice teenager. I do agree with you, though, that some people do play the age card in order to get attention. That being said, you also have women pretending to be men, men pretending to be women, etc,etc,etc. Anyway, what I'm trying to point out is that you can never be sure that the person you're chatting with is who they say they are until you actually talk to them, and that goes for everyone, not just people who claim to be 18. Again, I agree completely that a good number of people like to play on the Lolita fetish, and that just makes it hard for those of us who really are that young.

And don't worry, be-ignited, I don't think you're a stalker ( :

You are absolutely right about people pretending to be all sorts of things they are not.

I'm only worried about getting in legal trouble myself though.

I had a person who said she was a young girl contact me once. Said she'd heard I was "fun." She also said she was 16 or so.

None of that was a good thing IMO.

The conversation ended pretty quickly even though she was whining that no one want to "talk" to her and how interested she was in sex and how she had all these "feelings."

I apprised that most kids probably feel that way at one time or another but it would take a real idiot to talk about sex with someone who claimed to be underage.

I don't think she liked that.

LOL.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Hi Rose,

To find local Munches, email groups, and events in your area, try:
SceneUSA - http://www.darkheart.com/sceneusa.html
Caryl's Page - http://www.drkdesyre.com/
The BDSM Events Page - http://www.thebdsmeventspage.com/ which has links to both organizations AND events.

A lot of groups meet and socialize in bars, hence the 21 and up requirement. Some groups do it for the sake of alleged maturity. Let face it, while 21 year olds are still primarily hormone driven, a lot of growing up is done between 18 and 21. But we all know 50 year olds that still need to grow up!

My group kinda compromised... 21 and up to be a "Member" but we will allow "guests" 18 - up in 1 of 3 catagories:
#1 - committed relationship with a Member (we aren't going to break up a couple)
#2 - member of a reciprocal group that allows 18 and up members.
#3 - Parental permission. Hey, if the youngster has the courage to ask, and Mom or Dad signs off on it, who are we to say no?

It ain't exactly fair, but a lot of our members were worried when the group started that if we had play parties and got raided, there would be "HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT ARRESTED AT SEX PARTY!" headlines and lead stories on the news...

Hell it's bad enough we just had a couple of college kids fucking on the roof of a building downtown slide off the thing and land, buck-ass nekkid, in the bushes 4 stories below... Unfortunately they did not survive their injuries...

 

[Marquis]

I'm 25 and I've had this problem as long as I can remember.

The BDSM community doesn't really reach out to people your (our?) age much. Which is fine, as Gracie suggested it's probably our responsibility to carve out our own piece of the culture, which I'm in the process of doing.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

I'm 25 and I've had this problem as long as I can remember.

The BDSM community doesn't really reach out to people your (our?) age much. Which is fine, as Gracie suggested it's probably our responsibility to carve out our own piece of the culture, which I'm in the process of doing.

*does the "old geezer" hehehehehe...* Watch yer mouth, whippersnapper! You'll be joining us in the old folks home soon enough!
*coughwheezehackcoughhehehehehehe*

 

[SweetErika]

In addition to local munches and clubs, you might also see if there's a "TNG" (The Next Generation - a group specifically for the 18/19-35 or so crowd) chapter a manageable distance from you. Here's a list of some of them , but also google something like 'BDSM TNG the next generation a_nearby_city' to find a lot more. If you can't find something close enough on your own, I'd suggest asking some of the chapters in your state, as they may be able to point you in the right direction.

Be safe and have fun!

 

[catalina_francisco]

I think like most things, age is something you can either make a problem or accept and turn into a positive. I see a lot of women (not here) who are in the 40+ age group who complain it is not easy to find a suitable D/s partner, they are discriminated against etc., etc. If I had taken that attitude (and yes, I was past 40 when I went in search of a lifetime partner who would be my Master)and lived it I would not have found the wonderful man I did and hey, 9 years younger to boot!! A lot of circumstances in life can be more about the way you approach them than the actual circumstance having to be a negative. As for people who do judge by age, do as I did and just bypass them as not worth putting the time into to try and change their minds....there are plenty more who do not have such an attitude. And the Lolita thing, you will find there are a lot of people out there looking for someone young to train because they feel that is the best age at which to train them to be the submissive they want and need as a permanent partner...does that have to be so negative if they are not looking for just a temporary fling, but actually interested in investing a future with the one they train? Positive thoughts are a lot more than just pretty words, they really work if you internalise and believe them.

Catalina

 

[neonflux]

You are absolutely right about people pretending to be all sorts of things they are not.

I'm only worried about getting in legal trouble myself though.

I had a person who said she was a young girl contact me once. Said she'd heard I was "fun." She also said she was 16 or so.

None of that was a good thing IMO.

The conversation ended pretty quickly even though she was whining that no one want to "talk" to her and how interested she was in sex and how she had all these "feelings."

I apprised that most kids probably feel that way at one time or another but it would take a real idiot to talk about sex with someone who claimed to be underage.

I don't think she liked that.

LOL.

mini-hijack ------> I know this is going to sound weird, but I wonder if this might have been an attempt at entrapment by an online law enforcement person... I used to coordinate a health-oriented arts/media program for LGBTQ youth that had an online component. Exchanged 3 or 4 emails from a "youth" who made very vague allusions to sexual feelings, and looking up to older people, but nothing direct. Of course, I suggested that it would be healthiest for him to explore them with someone his own age. As I continued to give advice and resources, he was the one who pushed to meet me, stating that he wasn't understood at home. I would never suggest a young person run away from home or come out to parents who might kick her/him out. The minute that I got a home location from him and gave him some specifics about resources in his area, the emails stopped. ~ Neon

 

[neonflux]

I'd hold off on the starting your own group idea for now as you are young (not a negative) with your life ahead of you and by starting a group, you are basically outing yourself and possibly jeopardising your future career path.

(Edited out)

Catalina

Cat, I agree with a great deal of your advice here, but disagree with this, especially as EG mentioned, so many legitimate BDSM associations don't allow people who are under 21 for legal reasons. I think that there are ways to create a group that will naturally attract people who are sexually adventurous without risking one's future career. I know that there are groups on campuses here (granted, I do live in San Francisco) that are "sexual liberation groups." They are sex-positive groups that are fighting sexually repressive public policy, but often will have "educational sessions" including on topics related to bdsm.

Nameless_Rose, it may very well be that such a group already exists on your campus, depending upon how liberal the administration is. (Of course, you'd also have to be of a politically-oriented frame of mind.) You don't mention your sexual orientation, but again depending upon where your campus fits on the liberal-conservative scale, you might also find an open attitude towards bdsm in your campus lgbtq group (a lot of queer folk will NOT be open, of course).

Taking some human sexuality classes (which often fulfull general ed requirements) might also be a way to learn about kinky groups in your area, meet some kinky folk. I have a therapist friend who regularly speaks on panels about BDSM at one of the state colleges in the bay area. If you live close enough to a large city with an active arts scene, I might also check out performance art venues - not sure why but lots of performers are at least nominally kinky and like certainly attracts like.

I know this all seems very "round about" and "geeky" LOL!

Anyway, good luck and have fun! Neon

 

[WriterDom]

I seriously doubt that a small school in the Midwest is going to have a thriving bdsm community.

 

[neonflux]

I seriously doubt that a small school in the Midwest is going to have a thriving bdsm community.

Then again, Antioch, (mom and uncles were grads, just closed, sigh) was a very liberal school and it was in Ohio. My sister is an academic (only recently received her Ph.D.) and is pretty familiar with campuses in such communities - they may be the only places that allow for public discourse on sexuality. A lot of it depends upon the school administration and whether or not the school has strong religious affiliations.

 

[Netzach]

I'm 25 and I've had this problem as long as I can remember.

The BDSM community doesn't really reach out to people your age much. Which is fine, as Gracie suggested it's probably our responsibility to carve out our own piece of the culture, which I'm in the process of doing.

The best resources for the 18-25 perv are mostly peer led. Without a doubt. The TNG movement and its offshoots, conversio virium and various on-campus organizations - this is really the way to go. Because you will inevitably run into a bunch of 40+ people either
1. pissed off that you are making an organization that excludes them
2. pissed off that if they don't exclusde *you* this f-d up society will scrutinize them even more on totally baseless grounds if you are over 18
3. perving on anything half their age. And you know what, DO NOT let anyone guilt trip you for being attracted to people your OWN age. It is not shallow. It is not stupid. If it is wrong, why are they so reluctant to date THEIR own age?

4. telling you a million reasons why it's not a good idea to pursue SM as a lifestyle or come out or whatnot. I was 23 when I began playing. I've had a "don't ask or I'll tell you" policy of being out since I was 23 and knew I wanted one.


At 33 I'm still welcome to the youth organization thingies but at 33 I do them the favor of not going unless they want me to present something - I think 18-35 should be way weighted toward 18. Our local group allows anyone but is "geared towards" younger players - you can imagine what happened to that group. It mirrors the other groups except there are some younger people there. Pointless, IMO.

 

[Netzach]

I seriously doubt that a small school in the Midwest is going to have a thriving bdsm community.

Don't assume anything. I went to the quintissential small school in the midwest - a mirror of pressure cooker small schools on the eastern seaboard. If the small school begins with an "O" for example, there'll be one.

 

[Marquis]

At 33 I'm still welcome to the youth organization thingies but at 33 I do them the favor of not going unless they want me to present something - I think 18-35 should be way weighted toward 18.

Agreed.

I think a big issue is the constant assumption that age and knowledge of BDSM lore are identical issues, when clearly they're not.

People of the same age tend to feel more comfortable around each other, regardless of their relative experience level.

 

[neonflux]

Don't assume anything. I went to the quintissential small school in the midwest - a mirror of pressure cooker small schools on the eastern seaboard. If the small school begins with an "O" for example, there'll be one.

LOL, have a number of friends who, if I am right about your reference, went there.