BDSM Changing Personality Traits?

[SweetErika]

This question has been percolating for a bit, and I'm curious to hear everyone's thoughts. I'm exploring and learning a ton right now, so please bear with me while I try to flesh this out. I apologize if it's been asked before; I have been through the fantastic Library and searched to no avail.

As the title suggests, I'm interested in your experiences with BDSM facilitating changes in personality traits. I'm thinking more of bigger, fundamental ones, like a tendency to feel guilty or apologize a lot for everything, a strong desire for everything to feel equal all of the time, not feeling powerful, overanalyzing, being very indecisive, fearful of giving a bad impression or rubbing people the wrong way, low self-esteem, etc.

If that's not very clear, here's a personal example: I've started to explore my Dominant side with a friend who defines himself as generally submissive and has said he'd like to be submissive to me specifically. We had a (vanilla-ish) romantic relationship last year, and are moving toward that again, I think, but few actions have gone beyond platonic so far, if that matters. He's been doing things he knows I appreciate, like giving me compliments, small gifts and massages. Until very recently, I'd never ask him to do anything, he'd always have to offer, at which point I may have accepted; I don't like to ask for things, want everything to be fair/reciprocal, and feel guilty when I receive, even when I know the other person is getting just as much pleasure out of giving. These are long-standing, fundamental personality traits of mine, and thus far I've been unsuccessful in changing them much, despite my best efforts to do so.

As I'm delving deeper into BDSM and realized I really want to explore my Dominant side, it seems the aforementioned personality traits are changing. I'm finding I don't feel guilty asking for what I want or receiving. I'm seeing receiving IS reciprocation enough in this case. I don't feel bossy or shameful about giving direction. All of this is extending beyond this specific relationship, so it's not a matter of our specific dynamic being used as an excuse (for want of a better word), or believing I only have 'permission' to feel and act differently in a D/s context.

I suspect this is a perfectly common occurence, but I still wonder why these long-standing traits that haven't changed much with a lot of work are suddenly turning around, and if anyone else has had similar experiences. I'm curious as to why BDSM seems to be such a powerful, and maybe the only, impetus for real change for me, but maybe others, as well.

All thoughts, experiences (from any perspective - clearly I'm kind of looking at this from a Dominant's side right now, but as a Switch, I'm excited about hearing from subs, too) and discussion are most welcome!

 

[Bredon]

It happens to me too right now (fledgling dom). I actually use BDSM to work on some guilt stuff and so on. I think the reason why this works so well is because you are actually *doing* it. Therapy is more or less about theory. The one thing that is close to BDSM is martial arts imho. Martial arts has a similar effect on me.

Bredon

 

[SpectreT]

I'm not sure if it's the kink, or being unattatched for so long, but I've become extremely over analytical. I'll take an idea or thought, chomp away at it, chew and grind it around in my mind, rearrange it, study it, examine it, then think about it some more.

 

[neonflux]

SweetErika,

Thank you, thank you, thank you for this question, as it is something that I have been thinking about a lot! I think that I am learning much through my BDSM "practice" about myself, about power, and about how to better flow with the second. I am not sure that it has changed my personality but it has certainly helped me to develop new skills that I can use in support of characteristics that were already there.

I've written before that Topping makes it easier for me to submit, because it has given me a new appreciation for the idea of surrender. And bottoming is going to make me a much better Domme for a number of reasons - it has taught me patience, and it has shown me how important it is to be specific and clear in one's directions, it has helped me to understand the gift of submission.

I have been a trainer for years and so am used to giving instructions and expecting them to be obeyed - this has always come easily for me. Applying this to my personal life was more difficult until I began to Top formally - I think because like you, I feel more comfortable not only asserting my desires but accepting that I have a right to have them fulfilled. All of my experiences in BDSM are helping me interact with others in a powerful way, to better assert myself gently, confidently without being aggressive when that is needed; to enable me to submit gracefully when that is the wiser path. (Over the past several days, I have used both a great deal with my supervisor, who is also a 20+ year friend, as we've been working on a major proposal, LOL.)

Does all of this make sense? I really look forward to following this thread and reading others' thoughts, as this is the type of discussion for which I returne to Literotica.

Neon

 

[Netzach]

I have definitely found that my experiences in SM have lent a lot to the rest of my life. I've found that expressing myself as a Dominant has made me much more able to delineate my boundaries, much less overly-apologetic (though I see myself doing this still, sometimes) and much more liable to assume that if someone has a problem with me, it's THEIR problem, not me.

At the same time, trying to walk the walk has made me aware of my weaknesses and how far I have to go in order to really have the right to command a consistent, organized, response from other people. It's made me aware of a lot of work I've got to do.

 

[SweetErika]

It happens to me too right now (fledgling dom). I actually use BDSM to work on some guilt stuff and so on. I think the reason why this works so well is because you are actually *doing* it. Therapy is more or less about theory. The one thing that is close to BDSM is martial arts imho. Martial arts has a similar effect on me.

Bredon

That's a very good point, Bredon. Maybe a component of that is frequency; I'm noticing there are far more opportunities to practice in a shorter period of time in BDSM-related activities than at other times.

I don't have any experience with martial arts, but I am curious, especially now that you've made that comparison.

I'm not sure if it's the kink, or being unattatched for so long, but I've become extremely over analytical. I'll take an idea or thought, chomp away at it, chew and grind it around in my mind, rearrange it, study it, examine it, then think about it some more.

Interesting. Do you think you were "under analytical" before; IOW, have you moved from one end of the spectre-um (sorry, couldn't resist ) to the other, or more from what you consider average to extreme?

FWIW, I've noticed I tend to get more analytical when things go "wrong" (including relationships) or my self-esteem drops - both have a negative impact on how much I trust myself. I'm really struggling to not over analyze everything-BDSM, but this weekend I finally felt like I was gaining ground in that battle.

SweetErika,

Thank you, thank you, thank you for this question, as it is something that I have been thinking about a lot!

Woohoo! I'm very glad I took the plunge (I've been tenuous, being a newcomer to posting here and after seeing some of the drama of the past week ) and asked, then!

I think that I am learning much through my BDSM "practice" about myself, about power, and about how to better flow with the second. I am not sure that it has changed my personality but it has certainly helped me to develop new skills that I can use in support of characteristics that were already there.

I like the way you put that; it rings true for me in a lot of ways.

I have been a trainer for years and so am used to giving instructions and expecting them to be obeyed - this has always come easily for me. Applying this to my personal life was more difficult until I began to Top formally - I think because like you, I feel more comfortable not only asserting my desires but accepting that I have a right to have them fulfilled. All of my experiences in BDSM are helping me interact with others in a powerful way, to better assert myself gently, confidently without being aggressive when that is needed; to enable me to submit gracefully when that is the wiser path. (Over the past several days, I have used both a great deal with my supervisor, who is also a 20+ year friend, as we've been working on a major proposal, LOL.)

That's very reassuring and exciting, Neon; thanks for sharing!

I know this is a bit of an offshoot (or maybe it's a new thread altogether!), but is there a line of reasoning behind you having a right for your desires to be fulfilled, or is it just a given? IOW, if you had to talk yourself into it or reassure yourself, what kinds of things did you say? I ask because it's something I'm not quite sure I'm understanding/doing well with, and think I could learn from hearing from others on this.

Does all of this make sense? I really look forward to following this thread and reading others' thoughts, as this is the type of discussion for which I returne to Literotica.

Indeed it does (your posts really resonate with me - I've learned a lot from a-lurkin' ), and me too.

I have definitely found that my experiences in SM have lent a lot to the rest of my life. I've found that expressing myself as a Dominant has made me much more able to delineate my boundaries, much less overly-apologetic (though I see myself doing this still, sometimes) and much more liable to assume that if someone has a problem with me, it's THEIR problem, not me.

I've never considered that last one, Netzach, but I really like it because I know I have a major issue with putting all of the blame on myself. Are there certain things that brought about that realization that it's more likely to be their problem?

At the same time, trying to walk the walk has made me aware of my weaknesses and how far I have to go in order to really have the right to command a consistent, organized, response from other people. It's made me aware of a lot of work I've got to do.

Those are very powerful ideas! I can definitely see that now that you've brought it up, and will be giving it some serious thought.

 

[chris9]

The biggest thing I noticed was my self-esteem going way up. I believe though that this has more to do with better self-knowledge and self-acceptance than primarily with BDSM.

What I only slowly start to realize and what I believe will need some more time, thinking and work is that I see myself more powerful, more in control than I both am and want to be. While I still sometimes entertain ideas of ruling the world, of being the boss somewhere, I also know that this is not something I have the personality for, that it's not something that would ultimately make me happy.
I also believe from what friends told that I'm mainly valued for my sweetness, while I often see myself as a smart/tough/sexy woman. I know that sweet and sexy isn't worth less than smart and tough, but it's more boring (at least to me). I don't know if this has much to do with BDSM, but realizing I'm submissive (at least sexually) has helped me (a long time down the road) to see this. It might be easier to make this change in my self-view (is that a word? I mean to say in the way I see myself) because I have accepted that being submissive does not mean being worth less, is no betrayal of feminism. This might make it easier to accept that I don't have to have a career.

I'm not sure if I'm making any sense. I'm breaking my coffee habit (no coffee for breakfast anymore) and I have not really thought this out. It's a very interesting thread, though

 

[SpectreT]

<snip>

Interesting. Do you think you were "under analytical" before; IOW, have you moved from one end of the spectre-um (sorry, couldn't resist ) to the other, or more from what you consider average to extreme?

FWIW, I've noticed I tend to get more analytical when things go "wrong" (including relationships) or my self-esteem drops - both have a negative impact on how much I trust myself. I'm really struggling to not over analyze everything-BDSM, but this weekend I finally felt like I was gaining ground in that battle.

<snip>

More like moved from very slightly over analytical to an extreme. And the more I think about it, the more I think it has to do with having too much time on my hands, and a philosophical nature that just won't quit. Self-esteem is a tricky piece of ground for me, too. I generally have what I consider to be a healthy amount, but when a depressive phase kicks in, the bottom drops out real fast.

 

[catalina_francisco]

For the most part I think I have been too busy just trying to get from day to day, year to year to analyse or think about this too much. That being said though, overall I have found I am a lot more centered where other people are concerned. Once upon a time I would trust them to a degree even though I never trusted anyone deeply, then would still be disappointed or stunned when I found that trust betrayed. These days I trust with the knowledge that whatever happens, I do not have to let it hit me so personally, or feel let down in that I accept it and move on. I am also learning that I have to be extremely careful in giving my word to anyojne, promising to do something etc., as it is no longer my final choice and has happened before, he can forbid it or change our plans leaving me in an awkward position of having to try explain it away. I feel a lot more secure overall as well. and for the first time feel I am in a relationship which is not going to end and with someone who is not going to desert or betray me overnight.

One other way I have changed, though I would think it is more suppressed than changed, is in my humour. In our early days my brand of Australian humour was often a source of problems between us, misunderstandings etc. I didn't realise until recently when I was with someone else and had them in stiches of laughter and declaring I was the most fun person they had been around in years, just how much I have shut that part of me off in my everyday life. It comes out when I am back in Oz, but for the most part these days I am serious and don't joke around.

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

I've never considered that last one, Netzach, but I really like it because I know I have a major issue with putting all of the blame on myself. Are there certain things that brought about that realization that it's more likely to be their problem?

When I am heavily into it with someone I am not wrong.

I might make a mistake, I might rethink something midstream, but I am never, ever....WRONG.

If the possibility existed that I might be wrong, and not a completely infalliable Goddess and if the sky is blue and I say it's red it's RED - there's no point for me.

Taking a little of this to the outside, fake it till you make it. It's a good thing to get in touch with.

 

[A Desert Rose]

When I am heavily into it with someone I am not wrong.

I might make a mistake, I might rethink something midstream, but I am never, ever....WRONG.

If the possibility existed that I might be wrong, and not a completely infalliable Goddess and if the sky is blue and I say it's red it's RED - there's no point for me.

Taking a little of this to the outside, fake it till you make it. It's a good thing to get in touch with.

Boy does this remind me of someone I used to know... LOL. I love it!!!

 

[FurryFury]

This question has been percolating for a bit, and I'm curious to hear everyone's thoughts. I'm exploring and learning a ton right now, so please bear with me while I try to flesh this out. I apologize if it's been asked before; I have been through the fantastic Library and searched to no avail.

As the title suggests, I'm interested in your experiences with BDSM facilitating changes in personality traits. I'm thinking more of bigger, fundamental ones, like a tendency to feel guilty or apologize a lot for everything, a strong desire for everything to feel equal all of the time, not feeling powerful, overanalyzing, being very indecisive, fearful of giving a bad impression or rubbing people the wrong way, low self-esteem, etc.

If that's not very clear, here's a personal example: I've started to explore my Dominant side with a friend who defines himself as generally submissive and has said he'd like to be submissive to me specifically. We had a (vanilla-ish) romantic relationship last year, and are moving toward that again, I think, but few actions have gone beyond platonic so far, if that matters. He's been doing things he knows I appreciate, like giving me compliments, small gifts and massages. Until very recently, I'd never ask him to do anything, he'd always have to offer, at which point I may have accepted; I don't like to ask for things, want everything to be fair/reciprocal, and feel guilty when I receive, even when I know the other person is getting just as much pleasure out of giving. These are long-standing, fundamental personality traits of mine, and thus far I've been unsuccessful in changing them much, despite my best efforts to do so.

As I'm delving deeper into BDSM and realized I really want to explore my Dominant side, it seems the aforementioned personality traits are changing. I'm finding I don't feel guilty asking for what I want or receiving. I'm seeing receiving IS reciprocation enough in this case. I don't feel bossy or shameful about giving direction. All of this is extending beyond this specific relationship, so it's not a matter of our specific dynamic being used as an excuse (for want of a better word), or believing I only have 'permission' to feel and act differently in a D/s context.

I suspect this is a perfectly common occurence, but I still wonder why these long-standing traits that haven't changed much with a lot of work are suddenly turning around, and if anyone else has had similar experiences. I'm curious as to why BDSM seems to be such a powerful, and maybe the only, impetus for real change for me, but maybe others, as well.

All thoughts, experiences (from any perspective - clearly I'm kind of looking at this from a Dominant's side right now, but as a Switch, I'm excited about hearing from subs, too) and discussion are most welcome!

Reading your post, SweetErika, made me thing it could be BDSM that was in a way changing your personality traits. It could also be having an accepting partner who enjoys what you both agree on. That is a wonderful thing and can make just about anything possible IMO.

In any case I am happy for you both. It sounds like y'all are having a great time exploring BDSM and each other! That's beautiful to me.

Fury

 

[FurryFury]

For the most part I think I have been too busy just trying to get from day to day, year to year to analyse or think about this too much. That being said though, overall I have found I am a lot more centered where other people are concerned. Once upon a time I would trust them to a degree even though I never trusted anyone deeply, then would still be disappointed or stunned when I found that trust betrayed. These days I trust with the knowledge that whatever happens, I do not have to let it hit me so personally, or feel let down in that I accept it and move on. I am also learning that I have to be extremely careful in giving my word to anyojne, promising to do something etc., as it is no longer my final choice and has happened before, he can forbid it or change our plans leaving me in an awkward position of having to try explain it away. I feel a lot more secure overall as well. and for the first time feel I am in a relationship which is not going to end and with someone who is not going to desert or betray me overnight.

One other way I have changed, though I would think it is more suppressed than changed, is in my humour. In our early days my brand of Australian humour was often a source of problems between us, misunderstandings etc. I didn't realise until recently when I was with someone else and had them in stiches of laughter and declaring I was the most fun person they had been around in years, just how much I have shut that part of me off in my everyday life. It comes out when I am back in Oz, but for the most part these days I am serious and don't joke around.

Catalina

It sounds like you are going through some self discoveries and soul search after a difficult period of time.

*HUGS*

Fury

 

[catalina_francisco]

When I am heavily into it with someone I am not wrong.

I might make a mistake, I might rethink something midstream, but I am never, ever....WRONG.

If the possibility existed that I might be wrong, and not a completely infalliable Goddess and if the sky is blue and I say it's red it's RED - there's no point for me.

I have experienced this but it doesn't fit with me well. I like power to come from a logical position and not one which from my position seems to be more driven out of ego or spur of the moment lack of another idea...and I am aware this is probably not so, but is how it makes me feel. For me it makes me think the Dominant has some big issues with exercising their power and control over, they want me to dumb down or think I am stupid, or they want me to play that as a role.....all things I hate and don't seem as proving dominance for me. Don't get me wrong, I know the whole idea is to prove the submissive accepts the dominance of the Dom/me, but isn't it better to bring that about in a way which is actually realistic and productive? For me it undermines my trust in them as unfortunately I am not stupid enough to actually believe the sky is red, green, or yellow when I can see otherwise so for me with my over analytical ways I begin to think how many things can I trust their word on, and where do I know where the line is and should there be a line where trust is involved? I also expect some might think it is humiliating for the sub but once again for me I just wonder why they feel this would work and impress or win me, not to mention humiliate me? Maybe it is just I am missing something...LOL, goodness knows F sometimes wishes I didn't think so much.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

It sounds like you are going through some self discoveries and soul search after a difficult period of time.

*HUGS*

Fury

LOL, not so bad, just never have time to think about these things much.

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

Well, I like humiliation.

I traffic mainly in smart men who are told they are smart at every turn and are sick of hearing it and they like humiliation too. And the sense that, as far as they are concerned I shit gold.

Just because.

I find this very liberating and useful. Even if I don't shit gold.

I have experienced this but it doesn't fit with me well. I like power to come from a logical position and not one which from my position seems to be more driven out of ego or spur of the moment lack of another idea...and I am aware this is probably not so, but is how it makes me feel. For me it makes me think the Dominant has some big issues with exercising their power and control over, they want me to dumb down or think I am stupid, or they want me to play that as a role.....all things I hate and don't seem as proving dominance for me. Don't get me wrong, I know the whole idea is to prove the submissive accepts the dominance of the Dom/me, but isn't it better to bring that about in a way which is actually realistic and productive? For me it undermines my trust in them as unfortunately I am not stupid enough to actually believe the sky is red, green, or yellow when I can see otherwise so for me with my over analytical ways I begin to think how many things can I trust their word on, and where do I know where the line is and should there be a line where trust is involved? I also expect some might think it is humiliating for the sub but once again for me I just wonder why they feel this would work and impress or win me, not to mention humiliate me? Maybe it is just I am missing something...LOL, goodness knows F sometimes wishes I didn't think so much.

Catalina

 

[neonflux]

I know this is a bit of an offshoot (or maybe it's a new thread altogether!), but is there a line of reasoning behind you having a right for your desires to be fulfilled, or is it just a given? IOW, if you had to talk yourself into it or reassure yourself, what kinds of things did you say? I ask because it's something I'm not quite sure I'm understanding/doing well with, and think I could learn from hearing from others on this.

Honestly, I wish I could say its due to something I've consciously done. But I think its just that the older I get, the more I am willing to not only acknowledge my desires, but to claim my right to their fulfillment. I think that some of this has to do with having a lot more self-acceptance and self-confidence (almost seemed to happen overnight once I hit 40 or so), and in part because I recognize more and more how short life is - I'm not willing to compromise anymore! (This is even more true having come out of 8 years of celebacy about 1.5 years ago - lesbian bed death followed by no desire to date for 4 years after we had our final break-up...)

Indeed it does (your posts really resonate with me - I've learned a lot from a-lurkin' ), and me too.

 

[neonflux]

One other way I have changed, though I would think it is more suppressed than changed, is in my humour. In our early days my brand of Australian humour was often a source of problems between us, misunderstandings etc. I didn't realise until recently when I was with someone else and had them in stiches of laughter and declaring I was the most fun person they had been around in years, just how much I have shut that part of me off in my everyday life. It comes out when I am back in Oz, but for the most part these days I am serious and don't joke around.

Catalina

I so identify with this! In my first long-term relationship (7 years, with a man who's still a good friend), he didn't understand my sense of humor either. When with my ex, the fact that she "got me" in this department was one of the primary reasons I stayed with her long after we were no longer very good for each other... How often do you get back to Australia???

I traffic mainly in smart men who are told they are smart at every turn and are sick of hearing it and they like humiliation too. And the sense that, as far as they are concerned I shit gold.

Just because.

I find this very liberating and useful. Even if I don't shit gold.

Oh I love your turn of a phrase. BTW, undertand your stating that, "you're never wrong" within this context, LOL Not something I do - lived in Japan too long, where everyone is always apologizing for everything - but I definitely understand it

Neon

 

[catalina_francisco]

Well, I like humiliation.

I traffic mainly in smart men who are told they are smart at every turn and are sick of hearing it and they like humiliation too. And the sense that, as far as they are concerned I shit gold.

Just because.

I find this very liberating and useful. Even if I don't shit gold.

LOL, I like humiliation too, but it doesn't work for me if it borders on the ridiculous in my mind. I too keep getting told how intelligent I am, but even though it has been happening around 40 or so years now it doesn't reduce me to places where I get off on dumbing down. I think perhaps it is the fact it can only work if it is role play/let's pretend of sorts because basically that is what it is when it is something which is so unrealistic, and I am not a fan of role play so maybe that is why I can't get my head into a place where it works for me without any negativeness toward the one delivering the message to me. It does mean F has to spend a little more time thinking about different angles, and thankfully does so far.

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

I get at what you are saying, cat, and I understand it, having bottomed as much as I did - I mean globally who wants to play a stupid game of "simon says?"

But there was also a certain part of me that wanted to just be wrong, depending on who's right. Painted into a corner, because it's not a democracy. Choose A or B. I'm sorry, the answer is 5.6 not A and not B. Maybe it *is* totally contrived, but for me the issue is being willing to submit to that certain person and being subject to her caprice and silliness as well as her brilliance. The stupider and more far-fetched the better. Because I trusted my top to the point where I could sign on for that and know I'd be ok in the end.

Additionally I can handle my slave feeling negatively toward me in small doses. I thrive on a little antagonism along with the swallowed pride.

Hey, to each their own. For some people the edge is in pain, for some people it's in being whored out, for me it's in this kind of blind because-I-said-so psychodrama.