BDSM as an alternative to "sex"?

[Belle966]

BDSM seems to be usually seen as a way of having sex, which still includes 'sex' in the vanilla sense. Am I right in thinking that most heterosexual couples into BDSM still have 'regular' sexual intercourse too?

For me though, BDSM is an alternative to vanilla sex and sexual intercourse. For many reasons, including childhood repression, intimacy issues, health anxieties and the fact that I think it's degrading to women, I don't have 'sex', and BDSM has become my replacement. During my last relationship which lasted two years, I'd say we had a very active and varied sex/BDSM life, yet never once had sexual intercourse.

Is there anyone else who's sexuality is like this, or am I alone in this? And for the people who still have regular 'sex' too, what is it about sexual intercourse that means you have to do it in addition to your kink (apart from if you want to have kids)? Do you still see intercourse as 'normal' sex, despite being into alternative sex too? Do you feel that having intercourse as well makes you more 'normal' and acceptable in society?

 

[Bandit58]

We are in a romantic, loving relationship which just happens to include some kink and service. So yes, we do have regular sex, which by our definition also includes G spot play and oral. We rarely have intercourse due to erectile difficulties, but when He is able I've found that more intimate than a good flogging

what is it about sexual intercourse that means you have to do it in addition to your kink (apart from if you want to have kids)?

We are well past the age of childbearing. We have sex because it brings us closer and reinforces our love and the intimacy we share. Plus it feels good

 

[KoPilot]

And for the people who still have regular 'sex' too, what is it about sexual intercourse that means you have to do it in addition to your kink (apart from if you want to have kids)? Do you still see intercourse as 'normal' sex, despite being into alternative sex too? Do you feel that having intercourse as well makes you more 'normal' and acceptable in society?

I think most of us do it because we like it and it feels good. ;P

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

BDSM seems to be usually seen as a way of having sex, which still includes 'sex' in the vanilla sense. Am I right in thinking that most heterosexual couples into BDSM still have 'regular' sexual intercourse too?

For me though, BDSM is an alternative to vanilla sex and sexual intercourse. For many reasons, including childhood repression, intimacy issues, health anxieties and the fact that I think it's degrading to women, I don't have 'sex', and BDSM has become my replacement. During my last relationship which lasted two years, I'd say we had a very active and varied sex/BDSM life, yet never once had sexual intercourse.

Is there anyone else who's sexuality is like this, or am I alone in this? And for the people who still have regular 'sex' too, what is it about sexual intercourse that means you have to do it in addition to your kink (apart from if you want to have kids)? Do you still see intercourse as 'normal' sex, despite being into alternative sex too? Do you feel that having intercourse as well makes you more 'normal' and acceptable in society?

Re the bold: Mostly because omg sex is awesome. I don't separate the two, normal and alternative sex. It's all just sex.

Re: Finding sex degrading to women, how did you come to that belief/value ? Have you ever considered that sex can be very empowering to women? What made you dismiss that?

 

[Ravenwind]

BDSM seems to be usually seen as a way of having sex, which still includes 'sex' in the vanilla sense. Am I right in thinking that most heterosexual couples into BDSM still have 'regular' sexual intercourse too?

For my Husband and I, sex is sex. Doesn't matter whether it's with a fistful of my hair, a tight grip around my throat, and screams of agony, or with gently stroking my hair, kisses on my neck, and screams of ecstasy. Sex is sex... same difference as "cowgirl" is still as much "sex" as "missionary" is.

the fact that I think it's degrading to women

I don't see how sex is degrading to women any more than it is to men. Just so I can wrap my mind around it, care to explain?

And for the people who still have regular 'sex' too, what is it about sexual intercourse that means you have to do it in addition to your kink (apart from if you want to have kids)? Do you still see intercourse as 'normal' sex, despite being into alternative sex too? Do you feel that having intercourse as well makes you more 'normal' and acceptable in society?

Like Bandit, we are well past our child-rearing days (though, for us, out of refusal to have more, as opposed to age). For me, BSDM tickles the mind, not the body- I hate to admit this, but despite being a masochist, I hate pain (piercings aside, which I do enjoy)... I don't generally get off from the physical response to pain, but the mental and adrenal rush from it. And as a slave, my body hates serving in cold winters, where my age is catchin' up to me a little more each year... but again, it's not the physical response, but the mental, that I enjoy. Actual intercourse, though, "scratches the itch" of the physical need and want, both the normal type, and those created by play.

 

[catalina_francisco]

the fact that I think it's degrading to women, I don't have 'sex', and BDSM has become my replacement.

Hmmm, if I were you, I would be getting some sort of counselling to see why you feel sex is degrading to women because you are missing out on a lot of living if you truly feel that way and don't have sex.

Catalina

 

[satindesire]

Intercourse is normal. BDSM is normal. Hating sex is not normal, sweetie.

I think you need to ask yourself some serious questions and maybe get some counseling for those demons, before they're too deeply ingrained to do anything about.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I've known people who do BDSM instead of fucking. I thought it was wierd too, but I've come to reconsider that.

I now know that;

Not liking sex is not "normal" in the sense of most people love sex-- but it's well within the range of normalcy.

People can be asexual for a myriad of reasons. The notion that sex is degrading is more common that you'd expect, and not only for women but for men as well. There can be anatomical variants-- a lack of sensitivity in the genital nerves, for instance, that makes sex physically pleasureless.

There can be a sense of distaste for physical intimacy, stemming from about a bazillion different reasons.

Yay for the internet though! because people have gathered together to talk about the wierd thing they are, and find out that they are not the only ones.

There's even a new term for asexual folk; "Ace."

Okay, to answer OP's question... For me, it's all about body energy, and pain, pleasure, stress, etc are all parts of that energy. Even if we don't have "sex" during play I consider an orgasmic finish-- or orgasms as part of the play-- very desirable.

Let me aso ask; When you say sex, are you talking about penis in vagina? Because there are SO many other ways to have sex!

 

[teknight]

Let me aso ask; When you say sex, are you talking about penis in vagina? Because there are SO many other ways to have sex!

NOWAI!
Really? I don't believe it. Prove it!

@OP: how is sex degrading to women?

 

[switchbitch]

NOWAI!
Really? I don't believe it. Prove it!

@OP: how is sex degrading to women?

degradation is the attitude not the sex

 

[teknight]

degradation is the attitude not the sex

Not trying to be obtuse, but, what attitude are you talking about?

I can understand how sex would be ...problematic ...to say the least, for victims of rape, but, is that what you are refering to?
What am I missing?

 

[greenjacobin]

Re the bold: Mostly because omg sex is awesome. I don't separate the two, normal and alternative sex. It's all just sex.

What she said....but from a safe distance, because as I recall, Lizzie Borden carried a fucking hatchet!

 

[where]

I don't get how vanilla sex is degrading to women either.

 

[teknight]

I don't get how vanilla sex is degrading to women either.

Well, you keep saying you have a penis...so, you might be biased?

Hi!!!

 

[switchbitch]

Not trying to be obtuse, but, what attitude are you talking about?

I can understand how sex would be ...problematic ...to say the least, for victims of rape, but, is that what you are refering to?
What am I missing?

you understand perfectly and explained far better than I.

 

[where]

Well, you keep saying you have a penis...so, you might be biased?

Hi!!!

but why vanilla sex?

and happy new year x

 

[JMohegan]

I don't get how vanilla sex is degrading to women either.

I don't think it's inherently degrading to women. Sex is one of those versatile forms of human expression, like tone of voice.

I can make it degrading. Or loving... or combative... or profoundly intimate... or celebratory... whatever. Depends on my mood, and partner.

 

[teknight]

I can make it degrading. Or loving... or combative... or profoundly intimate... or celebratory... whatever. Depends on my mood, and partner.

*wags finger at JM over the emboldened part*
Isn't that like the Nirvana song "Rape Me", though? I mean, you can't rape the willing, and, if you're ...practicing degrading sex (I don't like that wording) within a healthy relationship, is it really degrading...well, to those involved?

 

[where]

I don't think it's inherently degrading to women. Sex is one of those versatile forms of human expression, like tone of voice.

I can make it degrading. Or loving... or combative... or profoundly intimate... or celebratory... whatever. Depends on my mood, and partner.

well precisely. bit in itself I don't see how it is inherently degrading. If I ride mr trb's face, then I'm not in any way degraded.

 

[JMohegan]

*wags finger at JM over the emboldened part*
Isn't that like the Nirvana song "Rape Me", though? I mean, you can't rape the willing, and, if you're ...practicing degrading sex (I don't like that wording) within a healthy relationship, is it really degrading...well, to those involved?

Simulated rape and real rape are absolutely not the same thing, I agree.

I can still make a particular episode of sex degrading. Even within a healthy relationship.

I take it you've never had the urge for such a thing, on either end?

 

[teknight]

Simulated rape and real rape are absolutely not the same thing, I agree.

I can still make a particular episode of sex degrading. Even within a healthy relationship.

I take it you've never had the urge for such a thing, on either end?

Honestly?
What with being foreign in the States on a student visa, I figure some avenues of exploration are best left unexplored, before shit goes wrong, and I'm on a one way plane back home. No sex is or can be that good to be worth fucking up my life.

That is sort of a cop out, but, some things require a lot of communication, effort, the right mood, patience...a lot of factors that I can't be sure of...I don't wanna find myself crossing a line I didn't know she had...'cause then all I'm left with is a broken boundary.

 

[JMohegan]

Honestly?
What with being foreign in the States on a student visa, I figure some avenues of exploration are best left unexplored, before shit goes wrong, and I'm on a one way plane back home. No sex is or can be that good to be worth fucking up my life.

That is sort of a cop out, but, some things require a lot of communication, effort, the right mood, patience...a lot of factors that I can't be sure of...I don't wanna find myself crossing a line I didn't know she had...'cause then all I'm left with is a broken boundary.

I don't think that's a cop out. Makes perfect sense.

 

[where]

I take it you've never had the urge for such a thing, on either end?

I'm possibly missing out* but degradation just does nothing for me. the one and only time someone tried to degrade me sexually I left the relationship. Fast. And I could no more degrade a person than I could stick bangers up a cat's arse.





*I know I'm not actually 'missing out' on anything. it's an expression.

 

[CutieMouse]

Simulated rape and real rape are absolutely not the same thing, I agree.

I can still make a particular episode of sex degrading. Even within a healthy relationship.

I take it you've never had the urge for such a thing, on either end?

See I read the word "degrading" and thought 'Ohhhhhhhh that can be so dammed delicious with the right person... dammit I haven't gotten to do that in a really long time.' LOL

From a Women's Studies standpoint, I can kind of see how sex might be viewed as degrading [from a historical perspective]. Sex has been used as a political tool to keep women in their place, rape happens to women far more often than men, the mere act (in a traditional sense) is about a man invading a woman in a hot, sticky, messy way - and then (if things work a certain way) the woman spends the next 9 months [18 years] of her life dealing with the after effects of sex, keeping her "in her place".

(BTW - not my belief; I had to twist my brain around the phrase "sex is degrading to women" for a day or two to start thinking of possible alternative views to my own. )

 

[JMohegan]

I'm possibly missing out* but degradation just does nothing for me. the one and only time someone tried to degrade me sexually I left the relationship. Fast. And I could no more degrade a person than I could stick bangers up a cat's arse.





*I know I'm not actually 'missing out' on anything. it's an expression.

There's a wide swath of BDSM degradation that holds no interest for me, either. Verbal abuse, pissing on, making them lick the floor, and so on. For some reason, I just don't find that arousing.

I don't even do the most basic "you dirty whore" thing. I'm not into fucking dirty whores, and not into pretending that I am.

But I do have a hyperaggressive physical streak that appreciates coming unleashed every now and again. It would be disingenuous for me to describe the unleashed form as anything but degrading.

I actually find it degrading to both parties. A partner, for obvious reasons, and me, because I become so thoroughly uncivilized, so bestial.