BDSM and self harm

[graceanne]

Interesting post tzigane.

One part that jumped out for me was your comment about scars and how you would not go swimming for years.

When shopping with Dolf we came out of a shop and she commented about the shop assistant having self harm scars.
I had not even noticed them, yet dolf said they were up her arms.

Like the movie Secretary, people either 'see' it or they don't.

Perhaps less people than we imagine notice things about us

People usually assume that more people are watching them then actually are. A long time ago I realized that I rarely pay attention to people I just run into, unless their's something REALLY obvious.

Think about it - the next time you're (general you) out and about. How much do you really notice about other people? So what would make you so special that everyone's watching you?

Also - I bit myself to point of bleeding for years. I did not bother covering them cause I realized once, when I accidently exposed one of my bruises, that no one noticed them. I'd have bruises up and down my arms, and no one ever noticed. And that includes my mother.

 

[tzigane]

Interesting post tzigane.

One part that jumped out for me was your comment about scars and how you would not go swimming for years.

When shopping with Dolf we came out of a shop and she commented about the shop assistant having self harm scars.
I had not even noticed them, yet dolf said they were up her arms.

Like the movie Secretary, people either 'see' it or they don't.

Perhaps less people than we imagine notice things about us

I am sure that far fewer people would notice than one might think. In my experience, unless the problem is extreme, it is "only those who have scars to match" that notice, to quote a friend. My concern, however, has always been about my friends and family (either those with a history themselves, or those with someone close that are therefore attentive) that might indeed notice and be panicked. It's not so much about strangers. Strangers don't often ask.

On the other hand, I do notice scars or self-inflicted marks of any kind on others. Thanks to the places I have been in my own head, it is something I pay attention to, even in strangers. shy slave, I probably would've noticed that shopgirl too; graceanne, if I'd known you back in the day, I might have paid attention.

In terms of the research and of public education, the issue of self-injury is one that deserves much more attention. The research is either lacking or, quite frankly, bullshit; the information available to the public is closely linked to the research.

 

[Andraste]

Interesting post tzigane.

One part that jumped out for me was your comment about scars and how you would not go swimming for years.

When shopping with Dolf we came out of a shop and she commented about the shop assistant having self harm scars.
I had not even noticed them, yet dolf said they were up her arms.

Like the movie Secretary, people either 'see' it or they don't.

Perhaps less people than we imagine notice things about us

i think people that do it see it.

...and people who have done it will understand.

 

[SephStarr]

As someone who has been self-harming since the age of fourteen and is just recently getting into BDSM, I'm currently very interested in reading about the links between the two. I know a lot of people who are into BDSM, and some of them have self-harmed but most haven't.

I'm not sure that the two can be connected that much, really. A certain percentage of any group of people will have self-harmed at some point, so why should the kinky community be any different?

 

[JFJ_sub]

still not sure...

...about posting, am so new here, but read this thread with great interest. i guess i am what would be known from the thread as a "cutter" have been since i was 14. i have scars, not only from my own doing but also from things i have engaged in in my past. With my current partner, it was very difficult at first to allow him to see my body, particularly my back. It isn't that it is something i am ashamed of, more that it is difficult to explain to another particularly someone who is vanilla so to speak. Our relationship is complicated and not a traditional D/s one at all. Although maybe saying "D/s" and "traditional" in one sentence is a huge generalization anyway! There is no label between he and i really, just the dynamics of our relationship. It took a long time to open up to him, to tell him about my past. The first time i allowed him to see my back, thought i was going to be sick. Waited and anticipated he would walk away from me in disgust, but as i suspected he was so non-judgmental, i should not have worried. He accepts me for who i am and says what i have done in my past has nothing to do with us. i believe he is right and after that moment, it became easier and easier to open up to him and allow that trust to grow.

Just to tweak the topic, though, i will add this. i have issues (who doesn't?). i have an eating disorder which existed long before i met him. Some days are good, some days are bad. When he is here, it is so easy for a reason i have searched and searched for within myself and can not figure out. He believes i have "food issues" but does not know the severity, and yes, i know i am wrong for not completely trusting him yet and telling him. i will get there, he and i will get there eventually where i can tell him, trust in him that much, takes time. It is so hard. When we are together, or when he tells me to eat, i do and can because it becomes something all together different then, becomes a matter of pleasing him, of doing what he tells me to. That is rather twisted, i know, but the psychology changes in my mind. When we are together he lets me know it is okay to eat, to not have to panic over the possibility of gaining a lb. or two, that he loves me completely for me. i have lost another 6 lbs. since he's been gone which i am sure i will have to explain when he gets back. The really bad days i have text him and said please tell me to eat something. i guess all this to say i *am* dependent on him in that way and have never allowed myself to be with anyone else in my life. i don't know if that is wrong, but between he and i, it works. The relationship between he and i is so different than anything i have ever experienced before, and being so new, there are many things i am still trying to work out mentally and emotionally. i don't think anyone could have helped me before. He changes me, and i am very glad he does because left to myself, i engage sometimes in very self-harming behavior(s). i need him. i need him in ways i don't think i have even begun to fully understand.

Ummmm...really opened up here...maybe shouldn't have...but just my own perspective. Sorry so long.

 

[Andraste]

Ummmm...really opened up here...maybe shouldn't have...but just my own perspective. Sorry so long.

good post!

i have food issues too.

when i met my ex i was skeletal...but him being there, my cooking his dinner each night and eating with him, helped me eat.

there's been times when i needed online dom friends to keep tabs on my eating.
a guy who'll remember to ask me what i ate every day for months on end is pretty special!

that's part of d/s...trusting them enough to let them take control of your weakness as well as your strength.

 

[JFJ_sub]

good post!

i have food issues too.

when i met my ex i was skeletal...but him being there, my cooking his dinner each night and eating with him, helped me eat.

there's been times when i needed online dom friends to keep tabs on my eating.
a guy who'll remember to ask me what i ate every day for months on end is pretty special!

that's part of d/s...trusting them enough to let them take control of your weakness as well as your strength.

Thank you for your response. Weakness and strength, something i am still learning as i go. Not sure that ever really reaches an end? I suppose it comes down to a trust issue if you lay it all bare. That is something i can not just give over ASAP. i trust him, trust us in our love for each other. He is the most amazing man i have ever known. i am slowly learning to ask for help from him as i said before so i suspect that the trust is growing for me. Reaching out for help from him took a long time. Not sure any of that makes sense-how i can say i trust him, trust us yet am still holding parts of me back...still trying to understand for myself how my eating disorder is tied into my submissive nature. Maybe i never will. Maybe it will just have to be enough to know that with him it is better, that he has really saved my life, that with him i will eat *and* hold my food down when and because he tells me to.

i confess i did have to giggle a little at this morning's message from him: "EAT DAMN IT! EAT AT LEAST TWO MEALS TODAY OR I WILL BEAT YOUR ASS! I MEAN IT!" Giggled a bit, thought...threaten me with something i like?! How's that punishment? but uhhh i was smart enough to keep *that* thought to myself...would have been most disrespectful to share it!

 

[Andraste]

i confess i did have to giggle a little at this morning's message from him: "EAT DAMN IT! EAT AT LEAST TWO MEALS TODAY OR I WILL BEAT YOUR ASS! I MEAN IT!" Giggled a bit, thought...threaten me with something i like?! How's that punishment? but uhhh i was smart enough to keep *that* thought to myself...would have been most disrespectful to share it!

seems he's on the case!

disappointing him would be worse than any punishment though, yes?

 

[JFJ_sub]

seems he's on the case!

disappointing him would be worse than any punishment though, yes?

Exactly so! Which i am sure is part of the reason why i eat when he tells me to.

 

[UK_Strawberry]

Um – I wasn’t sure if I should contribute to this thread or not.

I went through a period of self harm, cutting to be precise, as a teenager. It lasted a couple of years and I have one or two scars from it, ironically the worst scar is from someone catching me and pulling the knife out of my hand.

Anyway…. back to the point of my post.

My self harm was a little different to most of the posters on this thread. It wasn’t about control at all. It was about feeling. Feeling something, feeling anything ! I was emotionally dead at the time. My parents had shown me no love growing up, my sister had moved out when I was 6 (she’s 10 years older than me), and I been through a period of abuse by a ‘friend of the family’ that lasted for approximately 2 years and only ended when he died.

As a result of this I felt nothing, I didn’t care about anything or anyone and certainly had no regard for myself. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t a trouble maker, I was just very quiet, closed – I hardly spoke.

So as the self harm was about feeling something I guess it was about the pain, although emotion or rather the lack of it was at the root of it. The question as to whether my BDSM tendencies are related to the self harm or the abuse in anyway. Well I don’t believe so. The self harm and abuse where things that happened to me – they are not part of my life now. The do not invade my life in any way. Sure they ‘helped’ shape me and ‘helped’ make me the strong person I am today (unless my Master is around of course *smiles*).

Anyway that’s my story.

 

[SephStarr]

What I find interesting is that all of of who've posted on this thread so far as ex or current self-harmers are subs...

 

[naxalite0906]

What I find interesting is that all of of who've posted on this thread so far as ex or current self-harmers are subs...

I was thinking something like this too... it might not be everyone.. but definately a large percentage.

 

[UK_Strawberry]

What I find interesting is that all of of who've posted on this thread so far as ex or current self-harmers are subs...

Um - I need to think about this one before I comment too much. You're commet is right but does it mean anything? If you believe in stats it screams "Self Harmers become Subs" but I'm not so sure that's an accurate statement.

*goes away to think some more*

 

[SephStarr]

Um - I need to think about this one before I comment too much. You're commet is right but does it mean anything? If you believe in stats it screams "Self Harmers become Subs" but I'm not so sure that's an accurate statement.

No no no. In fact, it wasn't so much a comment as a question that I somehow utterly failed to actually, you know, phrase.

Yes, so all the people who have said they SH on this thread are subs, with possibly a few switches. So what does that mean? That there is a link between the personality type that SHs and the personality type that subs?

OBVIOUSLY not that all SHers are subs or that all subs are SHers, that would be a *stupid* thing to say.

I'm just...interested, I suppose. As a self-harmer and a sub, I find it fascinating! [grin] In my group of friends on the scene, I can think of two people who I know to have self harmed at some point-both switches, one who mostly tops and one who mostly subs.

But then that's, you know, a sample of THREE. Not *vastly* helpful.

/me stops rambling nonsensically

 

[UK_Strawberry]

Ok - still need to do some more thinking on this but I do have a theory. Like you it arises out of a small sampling (2!!) hardly a straw poll now is it !!

Trouble is I'm afraid to post it on the forum for fear of being flogged *giggles*. No, seriously - if you are remotely ineterested in my theory I will PM you but not tonight too tired to articulate further !!

Sorry for being chicken but I'm new here and I kinda like it !

 

[SephStarr]

[grin] PM me! I totally want to know this theory now

I'm new here, too. It's nice, I like it. Good people.