Bath of Blood- illustrated story seeking feedback

[Totzman]

My latest story "Bath of Blood," the sequel to my Halloween submission from last year "Dance With the Devil" is now online. I'm really proud of this one and I'd like to hear what you all think.

I even got some illustrations to go with it, by the very talented Ivy!

WARNING- VERY GRAPHIC VIOLENCE-- If blood and gore are not your thing, might want to skip, or just read all but the last two pages and just let me know how you liked the first three chapters.

Without further ado, may I present, Bath of Blood!

http://www.literotica.com/s/bath-of-blood

Enjoy!

 

[FlavioMatsunaga]

I think this is my favorite passage from the story:

"What do you think?" Jaclyn asked, twirling around in a circle. As she did, her skirt blew upwards, giving her brother a brief glimpse of her lacy white panties. Dylan crossed his arms.

"Don't you think it's a little too revealing?" Dylan asked contemptuously.

"Sure, Dad," Jaclyn said, rolling her eyes. "All the girls at this party are going to be wearing sexy costumes."

"Doesn't mean you have to," Dylan said.

"What am I supposed to do, be the only girl there dressed as a frumpy witch? Your sister is going to this party dressed as a sexy angel. Deal with it."

I love how Dylan, in trying to fulfill a protective role for Jaclyn, is suddenly and reluctantly forced to acknowledge his sister's sexuality. And how she then explicitly lays it out for him in the line that I bolded. That's how you lay the foundation for a sibling incest scene.

When you finally do get to the sex scene, it is all the more realistic because you laid that foundation earlier. And that realism, IMHO, is what makes an erotic story HOT.

"Good night, Dyl," Jaclyn said. She leaned in for a kiss. Dylan turned to kiss her cheek, but Jaclyn went for his lips. Dylan froze, unsure how to respond. Jaclyn kissed him long and lovingly, and Dylan found he could do nothing but return the affectionate gesture.

I love it. Just by turning her head to go for his lips instead of his cheek, Jaclyn suddenly turns a routine gesture of affection between brother and sister into something very sexual. Exploiting that fine line is the essence of quality incest erotica. They have been through so much already, and are about to go through so much more; it's easy to believe that this stress pushes the latent sexual tension over the edge.

SPOILERS AHEAD. STOP IF YOU DON'T WANT SPOILERS.






[spoileri] I will admit that you lost me with the ending. It was well-written, but I have an entirely personal dislike of eroticized dismemberment. I also wanted to see Jaclyn and Dylan, to put it simply, win. Or at least live to fight another day. The cruelty of their demise really just killed my buzz. Again, that's a reflection of my personal taste and not a knock on your storytelling. [/spoileri]

 

[Totzman]

Thanks for the feedback!

I completely understand your feelings on the ending. I ended it that way for two reasons: One: I wanted a story that would truly shock and terrify, and two, this is the second story in a trilogy, so it is supposed to be the darkest. I hope part 3 is more to your liking since I plan to give it a more uplifting ending.