Banishing "WAS"

[BigTexan]

I'm in the middle of writing a fairly long story and I keep catching myself using "was". In nearly every instance I immediately go back and take out the entire sentence.

Why? Because as I read more and more and study how stories are written, I see "was" as the ultimate clue that I'm telling not showing.

"She was a beautiful woman." is replaced with just enough description to make the reader realize she is beautiful.

"The room was cold." is replaced by

"A shiver ran through her small frame and her nipples puckered. Looking down at her thin hands, she saw her breath form a soft cloud of vapor that dissapated quickly in the cold air."

Of course it is making my story even longer, but I think it will be better in the long run.

What are other clue words that I should be looking for to tell me that I'm "telling" not "showing"?

What do you guy's think of this? Am I screwing up and just not realizing it?

BigTexan

 

[poohlive]

I had a similiar problem, it was with the word "and" though. Seemed like every sentence had that darned article in it. He walked to the store and grabbed a pop. She couldn't help but feel scared and run away.
I literally through what I was working on across the room (notebook, not computer).
Of course, after learning a few tricks of the trade that is gone now, but in reality we all have some sort of ancient writing tool that we thought was good at thet ime, but as we evolve, it begins to hinge us from going to the next level.
My onluy advice is to look at some published works (not to offend anyone who writes for lit, I just say published because they went through a proofreader and an editor more than once if it is a decent publishing company, and they had sculptured out all of the unwanted was's and's and as's) and look at the way some authors, objectively, go through this. I know I have done that. I still do that actually, from time to time, seeing how authors write things, what they use to effectively get their message across.
Take it from the ones who already made it, that's a big help.

 

[kristydoll]

What do you guy's think of this? Am I screwing up and just not realizing it?
BigTexan

I think you are doing a great job replacing the "was" factor! I agree that the word "was" tells too much.

My overused word I constantly try to delete is "as" - it is far too overused in my opinion.

kristy

 

[wildsweetone]

'ly'

Ridding myself of almost every '...ly' word is my current fad. I have been using this wonderful 'find' feature, hunting out every single 'ly' word (without having to re-read) and then looking at each and every sentence to see how it can be reworded in a better way.

I find I have to leave in a couple, but the last story I finished I realised how prolific my 'ly' words are. It's taking a fair bit of effort, straining the old braincells taut, but I'M LEARNING!

"The room was cold." is replaced by

"A shiver ran through her small frame and her nipples puckered. Looking down at her thin hands, she saw her breath form a soft cloud of vapor that dissapated quickly in the cold air."

Wow, it sounds so much better!

 

[Alley Cat]

What you have to say, reminded me of a book I recently read.. Stephen King's On Writing.

Buy it, read it. It talks about the mechanics of storytelling(showing).

I cannot stress enough on how much this has helped me in my creative writing (which is what this is, correct?).

 

[JUDO]

What you have to say, reminded me of a book I recently read.. Stephen King's On Writing.

Buy it, read it. It talks about the mechanics of storytelling(showing).

I cannot stress enough on how much this has helped me in my creative writing (which is what this is, correct?).

AC -

Yes! Awesome book. Just read it a month or so ago. The best thing about it was the affirmation that the way SK thinks "was" exactly the same way I think when writing and creating.

See? "Was" has it's place.

Of course, its place is usually where you need to communicate less information, BT. The places in telling a story where you need to move along quickly without a lot of detail.

Example:

And that was about as good as it gets.

Then...

-----


- Judo

 

[JUDO]

(blankety-blank double post!)

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

As JUDO just iterated and the reiterated "show don't tell" isn't a hard and fast rule or always a good idea. Beginning writers tend to err on the side of "telling" not "showing" but as BigTexan is discovering, going the other way can really juice the old word count. As with most things, moderation is a good idea.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[Guest]

Funny how we all have our little devils to purge

In my earlier stories...(and I almost wish they were no longer on here now), mine was ending a sentence with: "....as well."

I go back now...re-read these first stories and want to curl up in a little ball and hide. They jump off the page at me and scream:

"You fucking idiot!"

So...ok, I scan my stories now. And as Wildsweetone does...use find and irradicate the little fuckers. Yes...they still show up from time to time when I'm not looking. Matter of (nasty) habit I suppose.

And now another one's jumped in to take the place of that one. So now I find myself shooting at the word "and" sprinkled all over my stories like way too much salt.

Hmmm how many "ands" did I just type this time?

I remain,

 

[Guest]

really and very

My dynamic duo are really and very. Usually (sorry, WSO) I catch myself linking these with weak adjectives. I have to go back, search them out and then find a more apt adjective.

Really painful becomes excruciating.
Very wet becomes drenched.

Frequently I just drop them and use the adjective by itself.

Much as an adverb is also suspect.

 

[deliciously_naughty]

I actually don't know mine...I need to go back and look. Although I am aware of a sad and painful addiction to excessive adjective usage. <---see what I mean?

 

[BigTexan]

I admit that I don't remove every single "was", but I do look at each one. Often enough it is a signal that I'm getting lazy as a writer.

I'll have to look at all the other words mentioned here too.

Isn't this just the coolest place to learn stuff

And to RF: Moderation is a good thing, as long as it's not taken to an extreme.

BigTexan

 

[JUDO]

Re: Funny how we all have our little devils to purge

Speaking of little devils...

Mine comes from describing the scene in my mind as though the reader was standing next to me, and I am pointing everything out to them.

"He is standing by the door as the sun went down."

"He stood by the door as the sun went down."

DOH! This one continues to plague my re-writes after all these years.


- Judo

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Brilliant!

Big Tex, you was indeed the Man!

That is a brilliant suggestion. This has become my most commonly hit off-switch now. All it takes is just one single seemingly innocent "was" sentence, and I'm gone. Even such an innocuous opener as "It was a lovely spring day." and I'm gone.
Tell me "It was such a nice day you could have made love to the air" but don't tell me "It wuz a nice day"

And for those who are going to bring up "It was the best of times; it was the worst of times." I say, come back when you're Dickens. And what did he know about erotica anyhow?

---dr.M.

 

[Quasimodem]

You DON'T think 'Bleak House' was erotic!!!

 

[its Leslie]

Always interesting to see what other author's "word hells" are.

For me it is just that "it is" as opposed to "it's".

Drives me nuts, like some how I can't use contractions innately.

 

[Whispersecret]

These are the words on the card I have taped to my monitor, the words I use the Search function on when I'm done with a project:

began to, started to, seem, seemed to, just, sort of, almost, and somewhat.

I don't eradicate them all, but I look seriously at every place they appear because I tend to be a little wishy-washy, as you can tell from the words that I need to watch for. For instance, I'll write, "His touch was almost like an open flame." Almost? Hell, just go for it - "His touch was an open flame."

Oh, crap. Look at that sentence! I said "a little!" LOL.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Just a quick defense of that little, three-letter word, WAS.

If we didn't have WAS, how could we go to the library and ask for "How Green WAS My Valley?"

When we went to the movies, there'd be no, "I WAS a Teenage Werewolf."

Writers and readers the world over would forever be deprived of that immortal opening line, "It WAS A Dark and Stormy Night."

Oh yes, and afterward, how could we ask, "WAS it good for you?"

Rumple Foreskin

 

[Guest]

Rumple.........

Was that really necessary. Or was it just something you had to get off your chest?

So now I have "almost" and "began to" to add as my pepper to my "and" salt. (Thanks a lot Whisper).

Seriously....this has been a very insightful (and) intertaining thread. I almost forgot to check my spelling though, and began to do that but figured....what the hell.

I remain,

 

[TaffyJ]

Oooh! Learning, learning, learning! I love this. I'm gonna make a card to tape to my monitor, too. My nix word is "that." Would I be correct in thinking the only time not to get rid of a "that" would be when you'd have to replace it with an "it?"

The only cure for me is to go spend a whole 4 or 5 years at the local university studying the language and its usage.

 

[Guest]

and then....

I just got busted for using "then"...

The engineer in me loves sequential descriptions...

That feedback has jolted me into awareness of how didactic "then" sounds... It's Julia Child in the bedroom:

After sucking her nipple to a rosy tint, trail fingers to her navel and lightly circle, being careful to watch for stomach spasms. When spasms last for over 20 seconds move down to rub her mound with firm strokes. Then gently spread her lips and trail your tongue on the inner surfaces...

Not quite as romantic....

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Julia Child in the bedroom:

After sucking her nipple to a rosy tint, trail fingers to her navel and lightly circle, being careful to watch for stomach spasms. When spasms last for over 20 seconds move down to rub her mound with firm strokes. Then gently spread her lips and trail your tongue on the inner surfaces...


OUTSTANDING BK.

My only question is, how do we decide who gets the bowl and who gets the beater to lick?

RF

 

[Just_John1]

Said

During a recent review one author referred to the word "said" as satan's tag line or words to that effect. I'm trying to write any new stories without using that word. Damn! that's difficult.

 

[Guest]

OUTSTANDING BK.

My only question is, how do we decide who gets the bowl and who gets the beater to lick?

RF

LOL... thank you very much RF! Since posting that, I have been toying with the idea of doing a full blown piece following the form for a humor posting. The scary part is that it may not be too much of a stretch for me.

Isn't the answer to your question obvious? I know guys who would like to lick their own beater and gals who would like to lick their own bowl, but I personally don't know any contortionists who could do so....

 

[Madame Manga]

Re: Said

During a recent review one author referred to the word "said" as satan's tag line or words to that effect. I'm trying to write any new stories without using that word. Damn! that's difficult.

Every really good writing book I've read (King, Strunk & White, etc.) has said that "said" is NOT a word to avoid. It's plain and serviceable. Now, every speech does not have to be tagged with a "he said" or "she said", but that's a matter of style. When you DO need to tag a speech, consider "said" before purplish alternatives like "growled, gritted, spat, ejaculated, hissed, huffed, lusted, groaned" and so on. Put the expression into the situation and the dialog itself.

I heard of a novel that someone wrote without using the letter "e". ;-) Interesting exercise, but probably of not much literary merit!

MM