balancing D/s with a young family

[FloggingMolly]

Because I need to stop hijacking ES' thread, and the D/s with kids in the house thread is too far ahead.

So, when you had (or have) kids under 3, how did you manage to keep your kinky life going?

 

[PhilGarlic]

still

Are you still allowed to lock them in the shed at the end of the garden??

 

[FloggingMolly]

Are you still allowed to lock them in the shed at the end of the garden??

It's frowned upon.

 

[PhilGarlic]

I'm

It's frowned upon.

not even if you move all the sharps out of their way, let them have a book and crayons to play with.

 

[Cmay]

Date Night

Planning a date night, dinner, dancing, then home for play or where ever you play. While the kids are nice and safe with grandma, grandpa, aunts, uncles, the first stranger that agrees to watch them, lol. I used to try and plan 4 a month when my kids were younger, I would even say things to them like "don't you want to go to your friends house for a sleepover". Then they started school and that made planning a little less planned.

 

[CutieMouse]

Learn to carve out time.
Learn to create silly little meaningful/meaningless moments.
Trust him to parent *in his own way*.

Maybe get a sitter one night, or share a bottle of wine after the baby's put down and talk about what each of you miss from your old dynamic. You are "in service", though the mothering of your child - even if it feels like you're in service to a one year old.

Would it help to establish a 5-10 minute "play time" when he gets home each night? Baby gets access to special toys that only come out when dad gets home - nothing fancy, just something long enough for you two to reconnect for 5 minutes. Help him change clothes, get a drink, quick shoulder rub/grope sort of thing, then back to real life. Get creative with looking for the power and submission that are still there, simmering under the surface.

 

[FloggingMolly]

I like your thinking CM. Sometimes I feel like I'm mother, then housewife then wife after that. I don't know where the 'me' now is

 

[midwestyankee]

I like your thinking CM. Sometimes I feel like I'm mother, then housewife then wife after that. I don't know where the 'me' now is

Seems pretty easy for me to see. She's just to the left of your post, looking positively stunning.

Molly, you raise a very challenging point. It's terribly difficult for parents of young children to maintain a regular sex life, no matter what that sex life looked like before the uber-Doms arrived. And, because of the added noise and other distractions that add the special sauce in D/s type relationships, it's somewhat harder to keep up that sort of relationship under the new world order in your household. My advice, worth a little less than you're paying for it, is to hold the goal of giving yourselves some bit of together time some number of times per week. It might be a minimum of ten minutes at least twice each week for a while, or it might be some other quantity. What matters most, it seems to me, is not so much the quantity that you achieve but that you hold this goal together and work together to meet it. That way, even when some weeks work out so that you don't come close to meeting the goal, it's a joint event. The working together is the most important part. Success will take its own form, and it might not even be a form that you can imagine right now.

When our children were young, we used to insist on some together time every Wednesday night. Sometimes it was just enough time to enjoy a small bite of dessert in bed together before lights out. But when that's all the time you get, it's worth cherishing nevertheless.

 

[eastern sun]

We lived in just three rooms, and had to keep noise down to a bare minimum lest we wake the sleeping prince. Any kind of impact play was out of the question. But we discovered "role playing" then, with a surprising amount of age play thrown into the mix.

On the rare nights that we found ourselves together, we would enter extended spontaneous role playing - albeit in whispers and with repeated commands to "be quiet," etc. In fact, the secrecy and need for silence fed our imaginations - and we hit some of the more taboo areas we've ever visited. Molestation and rape scenarios with intense age play.

We also had three-way phone sex, which was novel at the time. With a baby sleeping in the other room - we weren't in a position to invite strangers into our bed - but we could use the phone.

We also took advantage of the changes in my body - and became almost exclusively anal for a while. In the months after giving birth, I wasn't that eager to have vaginal sex, and my breasts were feeding machines - but my hips had opened up, and my tissues were very flexible - we had a great time exploring a variety of anal options.

It was very hard to carve out time to spend with each other - but we found that when we did spend time together, we felt a lot better if we used that time to indulge our kinky selves. It somehow took the sting out of being so transformed by this change in lifestyle, and connected us to "who we know we are."

It also was extremely exciting to discover that I could be a kinky mom. That was a very hard line for me to cross. At first, I felt that "moms" don't do these kind of things. But after taking a few post-baby dives into our sexual imaginations, it certainly made us understand how important this kind of sexual expression was to us as a couple. We liked it too much to let it go.

 

[njlauren]

Went through that as well with our kid. What you are experiencing is what all couples with young kids go through, the lack of time, the feeling like you are lost in dirty diaper land, you name it.....the answer is you carve out time when you can. The D/s is there, always, but how it expresses will change as circumstances dictate. Keep in mind, too, that in many ways there is a super D/s once you have kids, they are sort of the ultimate sub, in that as a parent you are in charge, but they definitely top from the bottom

Another problem can be that as a couple with young kids, it can feel really weird to be this mom or dad, who not long ago was giving a kid a bottle,breast feeding it, changing a diaper, singing to it, all the things you do being a loving parent, and then doing something that seems 180 degrees away (like as a domme with a kid, pouring hot wax over the dad, or as a dad, flogging the person who you just saw suckle a kid)....it can raise all kinds of feelings, like how can I be a good parent and then be doing this, because it seems such a glaring contrast.


My therapist used to talk about this, and she said we have to recognize that as people, we are a lot of things, in context. My therapist was a grandmother, a mother, and a devoted therapist to her patients, but she also was a one hell of a fierce domme who could from what I hear do a heck of a lot of damage *lol*. We have many roles, and the same passion that can drive a couples passion for their child also drives the love and passion in what they do in expressing the D/s...in other words, it is all part of the same package, and accept that everything in a relationship has ebb and flow, but it is still there, whatever the nature of the relationship is.

Also know that this time is challenging as hell, with young kids, and they are the ultimate dom in any relationship, but also know this time is very, very precious, and also, as my kid is getting ready to go off to college in the fall, it is over a lot faster then you think, far too fast

 

[CutieMouse]

I like your thinking CM. Sometimes I feel like I'm mother, then housewife then wife after that. I don't know where the 'me' now is

One of my biggest regrets as a mother, is that I spent so many years buying into the idea that I needed to suppress the "me-ness" of me, in order to accomplish the things I wanted to accomplish (as a parent).

It's okay to drop the ball.
It's okay to let the baby wait a minute or two.
It's okay to schedule "me time".
It's okay to schedule "couple time".


It's difficult with a little dictator in the house, but the habits you prioritize now (me time, couple time, etc) will impact where those things (me time, couple time) fall on the priorities list for the next 10-15 [+] years. Sneak it in while he's mailable [young] enough to adapt & accept your needs (as a person & couple) have value. Your family will be better for it, and so will he.

(I think I remember you having a son? If Wong, I apologise.)

 

[FloggingMolly]

Yes CM he's almost 1 now.

Finding bits of time seems like a good idea. We just seem to be all over the place especially when he works nights.

 

[Netzach]

I'm coming outside the parental perspective, so take this with a grain of salt, but I have noticed that I can't go from "oh shit oh shit money job money" (work is my baby, OK, I admit this, and yes, my business does cry at 3 am a lot) directly to "involved sexual partner" without stopping at the "zen recharge" station.

It seems counterintuitive, but if you have a silent hobby or craft or reading moment, I think it will help plug those batteries in for a second. Even 15 minutes helps immensely.

This is probably true for him too, so being really on the same scheduling page helps a lot. Have late-night hot tea and go over your next-day plans together as a routine, if you don't, make it a nice thing rather than a frantic thing.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Yes CM he's almost 1 now.

Finding bits of time seems like a good idea. We just seem to be all over the place especially when he works nights.

Working late shifts and nights does complicate things a bit. My husband worked odd hours when our oldest was a baby and I remember walking around for hours so he could get some sleep. It was nice when the weather was ok.
What helped us was planning little meetings and do something nice and talk all those practical issues through even with kid in tow. Like lunch in town or a coffee on a park bench, before or after he had to go to work.
We kept that routine when I went back to work and he was at home because it was a good way of actually getting to those planning sessions that make life run more smoothly while both focused and in a good mood.

We also had a great playgroup (No, for the baby!) and took turns watching each others kids so we could get a few of those "Must have another grown up in the house while doing this." out of the ways without using up all the time together.