Balance

[Beck31]

Does anyone have trouble balancing between vanilla and lifestyle? I ask this because only a few people know of my lifestyle. My sister knows a little but is uncomfortable with it so I try to be as vanilla or "straight laced" as I can around her. Also when my niece visits I can't be a pup. My niece is eight and would not understand at all so we are very careful when she is around the house. A quick anicdote to illustrate my point if I may:
My Mistress, my sister, and I were sitting in the living room. My natural instinct even though I have couch privliges is to sit at my owner's feet. She got up to get something in the kitchen and I jumped up as if to say "What does Mistress want?" I am so used to doing what she wants and bieng a pup that I forget sometimes I need to be more vanilla around family. I mean you can probably imagine how difficult it would be to have to explain to my niece what was going on. She doesn't know I have a Mistress. As far as she is concerned my Mistress is a loved one.

 

[Stella_Omega]

You are lucky to have so much private time with your Mistress.

yes, it can be extremely difficult to keep your vanilla world away from your "real" world. But it's something we all have to do.

 

[Beck31]

Yes. I am very lucky. Some are not so lucky in that regard so I always count my blessings. Yes it is very difficult sometimes but like you mentioned it's something we all have to do from time to time. I don't like having to be secretive about the Lifestyle which is why I wish there was an easier way to balance the two.

 

[blulilacgrl]

Okay I will admit to not being completely informed on the BDSM lifestyle, as I am just beginning my own foray into the world. But... i will say two things popped out at me about your post and I have a question.

Regarding this...

My Mistress, my sister, and I were sitting in the living room. My natural instinct even though I have couch privliges is to sit at my owner's feet.

Question: Does it have to be formal? In that is there a specific position that you assume when sitting at Mistress' feet?

I only ask because whenever I am at a large gathering inevitably due to shortage of seating a number of us end up sitting on the floor. And since we are married we tend to naturally gravitate and end up sitting on the floor next to out partner or at their feet if they are seated. Truth be told there are times I prefer to stretch out on the floor and lean against my husband's legs instead of sitting next to him on the couch. If a someone asks I simply say that I like stretching out on the floor. In fact many times why I really like it is because husband will absently rub my neck or just stroke and play with my hair.
That answer would also work with an 8 year old, I should think. But then again, I think it would all be in the position you are in. I am normally very relaxed and sprawled out. lol

As to...
She got up to get something in the kitchen and I jumped up as if to say "What does Mistress want?"

In the presence of company, can you amend the vocabulary? I see nothing wrong with a SO/partner saying. "Honey let me get that for you". Hubby does it for me and I do it for him all the time. Or is it the change in vocabulary that is throwing you?

Again, if I am wrong or missing a key point of the dynamics here, please excuse. I was just trying to think of a way that you could get what you need in situations where you feel constrained by familial or societal expectations.

Or if you could explain what I am missing? I always love gaining insight.

 

[njlauren]

It raises a lot of questions about various aspects of the BD/SM lifestyle in its various forms, issues for example of being in public and non consensually exposing them to things like, for example a mistress having a slave on collar and leash in a vanilla setting (true story; David Del Tredici, a composer, showed up at various performances of his music recently, including carnegie hall, with a young man wearing a leash and collar...). For people living this lifestyle, where there are outward signs (as opposed to simply keeping it behind bedroom doors) it can be difficult, because after all you want to be yourselves as anyone else is (after all, easy to ask the question and it is a valid one, if two guys can go down the street holding hands or a trans person not so passable being out and around, how is that different......).

Unfortunately we live in the real world and things like, for example, being a pup and having a mistress or master who has one use a wee wee pad on the floor can be kind of hard to explain to friends and family, especially where things like jobs are concerned.

I kind of like what the last poster said, when in a lifestyle relationship we found ways to try and maintain our 'thing' when in public without it being obvious. For example, as the previous poster said,someone lying at the feet of their spouse on a couch or something is not uncommon in 'vanilla' life, or being attentive to a spouse, jumping to get him/her something, etc, could be taken as an attentive SO. Going in front of the mistress and holding the door? Being careful to let her lead in conversations, walking slightly behind her, could be seen as being a caring spouse (my Mistress admitted it was a mindfuck to play these details out and having others say "what a nice, attentive spouse, so caring and considerate' about how we played it out.

While it is a challenge, it is kind of like toys in scene play, where you can buy all kinds of expensive toys and such but often it is a lot more fun to improvise/make your own. One thing I could suggest to you and your M/owner would be to have a conversation (where permitted, in however you handle such things) and come up with ideas on how to extend your relationship into the vanilla world where you know it and they don't, be creative. Patting the head of a pup means one thing in private, in public could be a simple sign of affection. Having the pup walking slightly behind the M could be 'heeling' while to others it simply is the way you are walking.....if you M says "good boy" to you in public, if said with a slight bit of humor to it, seems like playful affections with an SO to vanilla but to you is praise to her pup...and so forth. Likewise, a punishment in public could be subtly hidden, if she lightly slapped you on the hand and said "oh, you naughty boy" with a hint of silliness in the tone, to others it was playful teasing, to you it would be correction.....you get the idea.

 

[CutieMouse]

I'm trying to understand how the example given = a struggle to balance kink/daily life. Personally, I suspect it may feel obvious/awkward to you, simply because you are fully in "the know" re: the dynamics of your relationship.

For example, I read

My Mistress, my sister, and I were sitting in the living room. My natural instinct even though I have couch privliges is to sit at my owner's feet.

and thought "... oh. They may have protocol in place, but it's just as likely that she enjoys sitting on the floor (as many people do)."

and

I jumped up as if to say "What does Mistress want?"

is YOUR (fully informed, BDSM filtered) interpretation of the event. That does not automatically mean that others present saw you hop up and thought "OMG they're shoving their kinky sex lives down my throat! EW!"

If the idea of being "caught" hopping to for your mistress in front of others is uncomfortable to you, develop a subtle work around. She can get in the habit of using a non-verbal signal, so you can ask "May I get you anything Dear?" - giving you an "excuse" to pop up and cater to her needs. Or decide how often it's okay to "check in" (re: needs) if company is around, without sounding obsessive or frenetic.

An alternative option is to remember it's not about you; it's about your Mistress. Which means chill the fuck out in front of others, if that's what she wants - even if it means temporarily dropping the protocol (and ensuing self-flagellating guilt trips for doing so).

 

[eastern sun]

When I first became slave, a lot of repressed sexual energy was released into my daily life. I had to be extremely careful, because I would sometimes say things in "vanilla" settings that were sexually-charged and inappropriate. My behavior was also saturated in sexual arousal, which triggered responses in other people that were sometimes dramatic and inappropriate to the context.

It all felt "out of my control," like I was being moved by "deeper" - more meaningful - forces.

And I was disappointed ultimately when my vanilla world relationships and obligations required me to exert more control over my own speech and behavior. I wished I could be a sequestered slave, removed from the outside world and the need to conform to it.

But. . . it's like growing up. As we become adults, we recognize how we fit in to a world much larger than ourselves and our own needs and desires. The longer I stayed slave within a world that included family, friends, work, PTA meetings, the more I developed behaviors that "fit in" with the larger context.

And I found that many things that make me a good slave, also make me a good friend, neighbor and employee.